Here it is at last.
-----------------------
How am I going to do this? I keep asking myself. I didn't go with them last time to see Xavier. I stayed outside the room with Ryan. Xavier probably looks different too, but that doesn't change that I don't want to be close to him. How am I going to take the twins? As much as I would like to keep them from seeing him in this state I can't; he's their father too. I don't want them feeling bad for what he did. I don't want them questioning it again.
*
Flashback
"Daddy, why didn't you come with us?" Celestine asks.
"I just couldn't see your dad."
"He was really mean to you." Angel states. "He's a bad person."
I stared at him with wide eyes.
"I don't want to see him again." Angel states his voice hard. "He did hurt you. He hurt us."
My eyes fill with unshed tears. "No, chunky monkey, he's not a bad person. He just made a bad choice. You can both see him again if you want. Remember, he is your dad too and he has always loved you both very much. He hurt me not you both. He's sick." I hug them both.
*
I don't want Angel's image of Xavier to follow him for the rest of his life. I don't want it tainting his experiences.
I can't imagine how he looks. His lawyer said that he's out of it most of the time. I didn't want details. I just know his health has deteriorated quicker than anticipated. I have to go in with them, so that they, especially Angel believes what I said...he made a bad choice then.
"Daddy!" Angel exclaims.
They're back. I run my hand down my face. "Yes, Angel." I respond with a smile.
"We saw a baby giraffe!" He exclaims running in.
"Yes, daddy. Have you seen one?" Celestine asks.
"No, not a baby giraffe."
"You should have come, daddy!" Celestine exclaims.
"I couldn't go, remember I had an important meeting."
"We know, daddy." Angel says.
"How did it go?" Oriel asks.
"It went fine." I reply. "Thanks for going."
"No problem. I do love going to the zoo. I'm going to drag my husband there this weekend." Oriel grins.
I smile. Everytime he says, husband he grins and his eyes are filled with happiness.
"Does Alex not like going to the zoo?" Celestine asks.
"He kind of doesn't. He thinks all animals should live in the wild not at zoo." Oriel explains.
"Oh." Celestine says.
"Yes, but I'll make him go to the zoo. We have to go see the baby giraffe." Oriel states.
"Okay."
"What are we eating?" Angel asks. "I'm hungry."
"What did you eat during the trip?" I ask.
"We--Oriel remembers." Angel states.
I turn to look at Oriel, "We ate healthy food." Orile responds.
I arch my eyebrow.
"Okay, maybe not all of it was healthy."
"So what was healthy?"
"The chocolate milk?" Oriel asks.
"So then we need some more healthy food for dinner."
"So what are we eating, daddy?" Angel asks.
"We are going to have some pasta but with a lot of veggies."
"Do we get garlic bread?" Angel asks.
"Do we get dessert?" Celestine asks.
"Yogurt for dessert."
"But daddy that's not sweet."
"It is and it is healthy." I reply. "Are you joining us for dinner Oriel?"
"Not today, I'm taking Alex out today!"
I smile. "Okay, go have fun then."
"See you all later." Oriel says before leaving.
***
Today is the day. I think turning to the clock, it's five in the morning. I didn't even need the alarm again. Might as well get up, I can't fall back asleep. It's going to be a long day.
"You should change clothes." Ryan suggests.
"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" I ask looking down at my outfit. "Oh." I'm wearing all black.
"You're not going to a funeral."
"Not yet." I whisper.
"Would you be able to go?" Ryan asks.
"I don't know." I really don't. I find myself feeling guilty at thinking that everything will be solved if Xavier dies. I wouldn't I wouldn't have to worry about him. It makes me worse than Xavier.
"Cristian!"
"What?"
"You're about to burn the pancakes. Let Let me finish making it."
"No, just take a seat."
But I need the distraction.
"You're too distracted. Why don't you tell me what you're thinking. It might be good."
I take a seat, turning the mug around..."I don't know if I can go in with the twins to see Xavier."
"You don't have to."
"I do. I don't want their image of their dad to influence their future. I didn't tell you what they said last time when I didn't go in with them...what Angel said."
Ryan nods.
"We're here." I tell the twins as I drive into the parking lot. I take a deep breath. Here we go. "Ready to see your dad?"
Celestine nods. Angel doesn't respond.
"Hands." We walk to the nurse's station. I need to ask what room he is in. It seems like such a short route to his room. I come to a stop in front of the door. She said that he was most likely asleep, but that is not a guarantee. I can do it for them.
"Daddy are you alright?" Celestine tugs on my hand.
Angel squeezes my hand.
I nod. "Yes." I whisper. Breathe in and out. He's weaker than he was before. He wouldn't do anything with them here. We're at a hospital. Breathe in. Breathe out. "You heard what the nurse said. He might be asleep."
"Yes."
"He will look different, he might look pale, he might have gotten a haircut..." I say.
"Okay, dad." Angel says.
"Can we go in now?" Celestine asks.
"Yes." I let go of their hands to open the door. I avoid looking in; I open it wide enough for the twins to step inside. I wish the door had been opened, but it was close. Celestine starts walking towards the direction of the bed. I don't move from the entrance. I look over to see him. I see his lower body is covered by the white hospital blanket all the way to his upper body. His arms are not, they lie on top. His skin color is not as healthy as it used to be. His face. I stared wide eye. It doesn't hold the beauty I once found in it. He has bags underneath his eyes. His hair is gone. He had a haircut. If none of it was present, he would look like he was peacefully asleep. I'm relieved he is asleep.
"He looks different." Celestine whispers.
"He's sick." I respond.
"He has no hair." Angel says.
"He got a haircut."
"He's sleeping." Celestine states.
"He is tired." I say.
"I'm...awake." Xavier says.
I turn around and exit the hospital room. I lean against the wall trying to remember to breathe. My breathing is coming out in gasps. I need to breathe. I can't leave them inside by themselves. I shouldn't have brought them. Breathe, breathe, breathe. I can't be breaking down. Breathe, breathe, breathe. I can do this. Angel, Celestine...
"Where's Cristian?"
"Are you okay?"
I hear those questions faintly. I feel warmth in my wrists. Then, I feel my arms being pulled.
"Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in..."
I start following the directions of the voice. Everything is slowly becoming clearer; my focus of my surroundings. My heart rate is normalizing. The warmth is coming from a nurse's hands. He's crunched down in front of me. We're on the floor.
"Are you okay?"
I nod. I'm tired.
"I'll bring you some water. Wait a minute." He says walking away, down the hall.
I close my eyes. That was a ridiculous response.
"No, it wasn't."
I said that aloud?
"It's a normal response caused by anxiousness or a strong association." He says handing me a water bottle. "Drink, it'll help."
"Thanks."
As I drink, he stays there, standing in front of me.
"Are you going to be able to visit whoever you are visiting?" He asks carefully.
Am I? "Yes...I need to check on my children."
"They'll be fine." The nurse states.
"I still need to."
"Okay, finish drinking the water before you go in. I'm making my rounds, so if you need anything I'll be here."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
He doesn't leave. He nods to the water bottle. He's not leaving until I've drank it all.
"My name is Alex. What's your name?" He asks.
"Cristian."
"Cristian are you feeling better?"
"Yes."
"Okay, are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Okay, I'll be on this hallway checking on the patients, if you need anything let me know."
I nod. "Thanks."
"You're welcome." Alex responds walking away.
"Daddy are you okay?" Angel asks.
When did he join me in the hallway? "I'm okay. Xavier is still awake?"
"Yes. He's asking about you, daddy."
I nod. "You're sister?"
"She's talking to him. He's tired. He closes his eyes."
"Let's go join her."
"Okay." Angel responds holding my hand.
I stop at the door. He stops with me and doesn't let go of my hand. I take a deep breath and let it out before taking a step inside the hospital room again. I can do this. I look in the direction of Xavier; he's looking in my direction. I move towards the bed a few more steps, but stand a few feet away from the end of the bed. It's the closest I can be. Celestine is sitting
"Hello." Xavier says.
"H-hello."
"Celestine says you're leaving at the end of the week." He states. There's anger in his tone and in his eyes.
"Yes."
"Well, I won't be here for much longer." He states making eye contact.
What does he expect? I can't hold a conversation with him. I'm barely holding myself together.
There's a knock on the door. "Excuse me. I came to check his vitals." Alex says.
"What do you check?" Celestine asks Alex.
"His heart rate, pressure..." Alex replies. He nods in my direction.
"Could you take care of the children for a few minutes?" Xavier asks Alex.
My eyes widen and I look at Alex wanting to plead not to accept.
"Only for five minutes. I need to check on another patient."
My heart rate speeds up at hearing his response. I see him and the twins leave the room and he close the door. I avoid Xavier's eyes.
"Why are you taking them away?" Xavier asks resentfully.
Why is he resentful? He signed the permission. "We're going on vacation."
"You're moving."
"It'll be to start a new life somewhere else." I respond; my voice a lot more neutral than I feel.
"You can start it here."
"No, I can't." I say making eye contact. My eyes begin to feel with tears.
"So you're going to take them away?"
"I'm not taking them away." How can he accused me of that? "Do I need to remind you what you once said about them?" I ask angrily.
"I--"
"I didn't come here for you. I came to bring Celestine to see you before we left. She wanted to see you. We have nothing to talk about."
"Cristian--"
"Don't say my name."
"I didn't mean. I couldn't have. I didn't mean to hurt you the way I did."
But you did and it really wasn't just...I shake my head, it was your aggressiveness and disinterest during the previous months.
"I never meant to."
An apology would be better instead of repeating the same thing.
"I always wanted to love you, for us to belong to each other."
"We did."
There's a knock before Alex opens the door, "I have to go."
I nod. "Goodbye." I say before making my way to the exit.
"Cristian, I love you." His voices shakes. I stop. "I'm sorry." His voice breaks.
I don't turn around. I start walking again. I come out of the hospital room and hold my hands to grab each of my children's hands. They're the ones who are keeping me grounded.
I get the twins in the car and I take up my phone, hoping he will pick up and can do it. "Alex could you take the twins for some ice cream?" I ask.
"Yes. Is everything alright?"
"Yes, I need some time to run some last minute errands."
"Okay, I'll pick them up."
"Actually can you meet us there? We're already on the road."
"Okay, yes."
"Thanks." I let out a sigh of relief.
"You're going for ice cream." I say getting in the car.
"You're not coming?" Angel asks.
"No, Alex will meet us there. I have some things to do."
"But daddy, you should have ice cream with us." Celestine says.
"I really can't. I'll pick you up later after I'm done, okay?"
"Okay."
"Don't sound sad, y'all love spending time with Alex."
"He gives us chocolate." Angel says.
"And he shouldn't."
"But daddy, it's good."
"It is."
"He likes playing with us too." Celestine says.
"Exercise is good." I reply.
"Yes, we have races."
"I know, so y'all have fun while I run the errands."
"Yes, daddy." Angel responds.
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