[This chapter is dedicated to decemberluke for the amazing cover that I've put up].
We all have those moments where we hate it how our parents incessantly feel the need to interfere in our personal lives, because ostensibly it's best if they made those choices for us.
It's best because they know better. The thing is, that wasn't the problem. We know they know better and more, they've lived longer and have been smart longer, they've known things longer. We don't.
The problem was, the thing about making choices is that you had to make all the wrong ones once or twice just to make the right ones happen. If we let them make those choices for us, we wouldn't be people of our own command anymore. We would be people who let others push us around.
And I just have to be a woman of my own command, no matter what.
(8th of October, Wednesday)
Locking the door behind me, I dismissed my school bag by the entrance and called out for my dad, who took the air out with an awfully fake smile, wiping his hands on his jeans and moving forward to stand by my side.
"There's someone to see you here and I want you to act calm, for me, please," he asked, looking at me with worry in his eyes and I frowned, "Is everything all right?" I asked, turning to look through the door at the living room, but failing to see anything.
"Not really, let's go."
He placed his hand behind the small of my back and slowly pushed me through the living room, I was searching for different signs that might be shown on his face, but all I could really see was a bead of sweat on the side of his forehead.
I face front and find a woman with bright blonde curls, neatly tied up into a long ponytail that probably covered most of her back. Her long body was curvy in every best way, I've never seen a woman so immaculate, but when I looked into her icy blue eyes, almost gray like the shadow of the snow, my amazement faded into anger and I looked at my dad, my face probably redder than ever. I could hear him swallow next to me and whisper, "please."
Quietly sitting down, I cross my leg over the other and look at her, at the birth giver that looked nothing like any of us. How could my father ever fall in love with such an awful woman?
"Hello, Alaska," she smiled, her red lips stretching over her face, her cheeks almost not visible to the eye.
I just raise my eyebrow at her and nod, motioning for her to continue.
"I was just driving through and thought I'd stop by, got you some stuff here. I'm sure your dad doesn't go bra shopping with you, so I got some stuff and was wondering if we could talk? Your dad makes wonderful coffee."
I scoffed, "my dad makes the best coffee and he doesn't take me bra shopping, he gets them for me. In other words, he's been playing ever single role in my life that I need and I don't need your extra baggage on my shoulders. The door's right by the corner of the next room down the corridor. Feel free to let yourself out, Kennieth."
"I'm going to take a nap, dad. See you," placing a small kiss on his cheek, I smiled up at him and ruffled his dark hair. Smiling at the fact that, even though he looked mad, there was only pride in his for me. I knew it.
I didn't want to engage myself with a woman who didn't play any sort of role in my life, she was as good as any stranger passing by me on a Monday morning on my way to school. She was worse than nothing, because nothing never bothered you. Nothing doesn't exist. It's just nothing.
Closing my eyes, I let my mind take over all the thoughts about her for the first time in seven years.
Hearing the crash in the living room, I forced my little legs to drag me in the kitchen as I hoped down the stairs holding onto the railing so I won't fall over.
"Mommy?"
"Go to sleep, Alaska."
"What happened?" I asked, tears forming in my eyes as I saw her hand bleeding and our glass coffee table broke.
"Just go to sleep," she said, grabbing me by my arm and pushing me forward. I screamed at the pain she was causing with her nails digging into my skin.
"But I want to know what happened, mommy. Please tell me." she just yelled at me and pushed me over. I tumbled onto the shards of glass and screamed in pain.
"Daddyyyyy!" I called out crying.
"God, I'm so sorry, Alaska." Mommy apologized, but I just looked at her and cried. I didn't love her anymore. What happened to my mommy? Why did she push me and hurt me?
"Atlas, I am so sorry." I heard her cry as my father came closer to me and carried me out the door.
I don't think my dad has ever been angrier, like he was on that day, and I never knew why the crash came. I never knew why she was crying and what happened. I just knew that she cheated on my dad twice and he's forgiven her so many times and then she just left. She left him.
It was everyday in life that you wonder why people make the worst choices, why they think the better is for them and why they were scared of the history being repeated. It was everyday that you asked yourself the questions you never had answers to, because you knew that nothing in life really does have an answer. It was all just a sequence of things that are common and those uncommon are left to stand by the side and watch.
My heart has never loved and ached for anyone as much as it did for my father, he was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Without him I wouldn't have been here, he was the most hardworking man I had ever met. The most caring and the most loving.
A knock on my door broke off all my thoughts, "you there?"
"Come in," I sighed, knowing that probably a lecture awaited me, but I didn't care. I had to let her know how much better he was than she. How much stronger he was than she ever will be.
I looked up at my dad and threw him a small smile.
"You've been smiling a lot lately. I always liked David, he's always brought up the good side in you. I just don't know why you've been always hiding it," he said, sitting by the side of my bed and placing his hand on my thigh, slapping it hard.
"Ow," I cried out and then complained, "come on, you used to do that to me when I was like five, really, dad?"
He just laughed and turned to the side, looking at the papers on my desk and I suddenly realized why he really was here, what he wanted to talk to me about.
"You didn't tell me you've been to the doctors. I'm glad that you went."
"You are?" I asked, surprised at first and then smiled at his understanding structure that was still staring at my desk.
"Of course, I just don't understand why you didn't tell me and let me come with you."
"I was scared it was something else. Even though that wouldn't have been impossible, but I did come home drunk a couple of times," I admitted, biting onto my lip.
"Well, I am definitely relieved that you're not pregnant. About coming home drunk, I'll let you know your punishment fairly well after we're done with this conversation," he looked at me, wagging his forefinger in front of my face in an attempt to be strict.
Groaning, I turned to him and said, "I didn't want to tell you."
"Why not?"
"Because I wanted to fix myself."
"You can never fix yourself, Alaska. Someone else has to always be there to fix you, it's how we all live. One is dependent on the other. That's just it," he explained, his eyebrows scrunching up.
"I don't know what to do."
"This is bulimia, it's a serious food disorder Alaska, you need to take this well."
"I am trying," I argued back, knowing it's a lie. But I didn't want to throw any further pressure onto him, I didn't want him to feel like this was all his fault because it was far from it.
"Why don't you tell me what's going on between you and David and I'll try to make some dinner, will you eat?"
"I will," I promised him, for him and for myself.
"Now tell me."
"I pretty much messed up real bad and you'll hate me," I admitted, turning to stuff my face in the pillow.
"What happened?"
Lifting my face up, I looked at him and said, "Wendy, Gwen and Mia set up a stupid bet where I had to get a guy to date me and it happened to be David. So, that's basically how it all started. But I promise my feelings for him are genuine," I explained, searching for some emotion in his eyes but finding nothing instead.
"Are you scared?"
"Of what?"
"Everything."
"I am not scared because I am doing it. I'm scared because I know what'll happen after it's done and I am still doing it."
"I never liked this Wendy, you know? The other chicks seem fine, but I didn't like that one with the ugly big glasses."
I gasped and then choked on laughter,"oh my god, dad. I cannot believe you just said that." He was laughing himself and I smiled at the rumble of sound.
"I don't talk to her anymore anyway. I asked her to call off the bet and she didn't want to, and he has feelings to you know? And I, I really like him, dad. I can't do this to him."
"I trust you to do the right thing, Alaska. I know you can, you have no other choice really. The only person who can started this mess was you, you agreed to it. What if it weren't David? If it were someone else, you would have gone with it and probably would have never told me this and you would have gone on and on. David has done something wonderful for you and I will forever be grateful for that boy,"
I was about to ask him what I should do about it, but he continued, "I love you so much, Alaska. You have a wonderful heart, but you don't know it. And as long as you don't know it, you won't be able to use it. You have to use it, you have to learn how to. Now, I'm off to cook dinner, what do you want to have?" he asked, smiling sadly at me.
"The proper balanced food is printed out in the papers along with the results, you can go through it and see what you can cook of the options provided," I placed a small kiss on his cheek and left to the bathroom, opening up the tap to let the water heat for my shower.
I was going to have a very important day tomorrow.