...
"yes father." I found myself saying that a lot since I've lived here, it's basically the only thing I have said, afue days ago I got a job at some IT tech place.. I felt empty, no matter what I was doing, everything in my life was boring, I hasn't called Tom, but I didn't stop thinking about him. I just couldn't, I missed him, I missed his touch. His warm body holding mine..
I was sat downstairs in the living room on the sofa, looking out the window as snow fell form the sky, it was December.. Christmas was soon and iw as not excited. It wasn't heavy snow, only now settling on the floor, it was so warm in the house but I wanted nothing more than to be sitting outside, the coldness soothing my body as it goes numb in the bueatiful white cold rain drops as they fall onto me, dancing around my body in no such rhythm.
I closed my eyes, the silance of the house taking over my mind as I day dreamed, I wouldn't be able to say what about. Because I didn't know really, I was thinking of everything, yet my mind was completely blank. Christmas was one of Bill and Georgs favroute time of the year. I wondered how they would be celebrating, if they would visit family, or with each other, or maybe even alone..
"Jenie!" Harson called for me as he walked into the room, I turned, giving him my attention as he passed me the house phone. "Some guy is calling for you?" I gave him no reaction, I didn't want contact with anyone. But I knew who it was. "tell him I don't want to talk" I said smiling politely as he nodded and left again telling the person on the phone I was busy, I heard him on the other side, his voice rasing as did his temper "busy?! Tell her it's Tom, please I need to talk to her." his voice drifted away with the phone but my disere to see him grew every day, but I didn't need him, I had my real... family.
I got up off the sofa and walked into the kitchen, meeting my mother who was sat on a stool reading with a coffee on the counter in front of her, she didn't show nay attention to me as I opened the fridge, grabbing some water, closing it and turning to her. "mother," I said, trying to get a word out of her. I wasn't successful. But when I said it again "moth-" I got cut of by a loud annoyed voice that I had always recognised as hers "don't you have homework to do Jeneane!" not even showing a glance a si looked down at my feet, talking again. Quieter this time. "I don't go to school anymore mother." she glared at me, like she had broken out of a loop that had been controlling her. Out of place.
"well, just go do something. I'm busy can't you observe?" she turned back to her book, and I left the room. Never had I felt so alone in my home, I walked up the stairs. Memories flooding my mind, it had always been like this, was I no longer used to the feeling that before I had nothing but hopes, dreams and wishes that I would brake out of. That same loop I had been stuck in, that this house freezes in place for all to feel when just entering. Making it up to my room, my days spent hybernating.
My phone, constantly buzzing, turned over I could still sense who It was. I didn't want to turn it off, knowing he hadn't forgotten about me made my heart shake, collapsing onto my bed as I gripped my phone, staring at the multiple "pick up Jen. its important." notifications staring right back at me. I couldn't, I couldn't bear the sound of his voice posining my brain. Bombarding my parents work phones trying to get hold of me, it was almost pethetic, but I couldn't help fonder over his want to speak to me, even if I didn't truley know why.
But that feeling, those feeling I left behind in Germany that slowly trailed back with me needed to dissolve the way I wanted them too, I blocked his number, the last message he sent being "Jen, if you don't answer I will find you." he was bluffing, I didn't want him to. So why would he? My dad apaeared in my doorway, making me jump slightly, he had a wide smile as I looked at him with a confused glare.
"how are you feeling father?" I sat on the edge of my bed as he started laughing, a deep growl like laugh before responding with the only sense of joy I heard in century's "I've invited an old friend of mine round, you and him must talk again." and without explanation he left, walking into his office and locking the door. I thought nothing of it as I spent the rest of my day watch junk TV, because what else was I supposed to do, life after being around Tom, well it was just boring.
After while the front door bell rang, I heard it open and a greating between my father and another man. He then called me down, at leaving my room and glancing down the stairs my body, having no idea how to react, just freezes in place. It was stan, I hadn't spoken to him since I left. He was my best friend, he looked up at me with piercing eyes. A mix of emotion ran through my mind as he stepped into my home "you never told me you were back.." he spoke in a calm voice, he didn't remove his coat as he spoke again "would you like to go for a walk?" and as I was about to refuse my father replied for me.
"amazing idea stan, Jen come and get your coat on." I sighed, I didn't bother protesting as it would just cause arguments. So I walked down the stairs as stan shook my father's hand. I got my fluffy coat on and we left, stan walked by my side, we weren't in silance for long as he spoke
"how was Germany.." Stan never liked awkward silances. And before I would fill them with endless small talk but I just didn't have the energy anymore. I thought for awhile. "it was ok, anything happen here" I felt breathless as the cold air flew past my face. "no, nothing interesting." He turned to look at me, I didn't do the same to him. Keeping my head down and my hands away, I could feel his energy, his regret and sadness radiating largely around him.
Stan wasn't much taller than me, he had short brown hair, usually slicked back as it was today. He didn't have much of a style, usually went with whatever was popular at the time. His eyes were a deep green, a nice gold at times.. And his smile was truly memorising, when it was his true one at least, I could always tell. Reading him was so easy, he could say the same about me.. His smile causing dimples on either side of his mouth to dip in, he never liked them. And I could never see why, the air was thin and energy tence. Stan stopped, causing me to stop with him and turn, finally looking into his lost eyes.
"Jen, before you left, I just.." I stopped his words with mine, I didn't want to hear what he had to say. I had already thought about it. "I forgive you Stan. No need to go over it again.." and with that I kept walking, making it to a cafe where we both sat and spoke, I didn't tell him about what really happened In Germany, but I could tell he knew I was lieing. He just knew me too well.. My phone kept buzzing in my pocket, I tried to ignore it. Putting it on silant, hoping Stan would ignore it. And although he didn't mention it, he did notice.
"stan, I feel like I'm going crazy." I blurted out while he was half way through speaking, he gave me a confused glance and a weird smile, he assumed I was joking. "what makes you say that?" his voice was anything but serious, it irritated me but I don't blame him. "while I was in Germany, well it wasn't all perfect.." I wasn't about to tell him I killed anyone... But. I just needed someone's opinion. "I know, you were explaining your trip there like some kind of dream you half remembered" my heart darkened as I did remember. I sighed continuing my ranting.
"I met someone. He hurt me, although he didn't want to or mean to, and I left. He wants to talk to me again, he wants to explain something. But he changed me so much in such a short period of time.. He ruined everything, he made everything better. And then he'd ruin it again, I was questioning everything when I was with him. But being away from him made everything so nerve racking." Stan glared at me, trying to take in the small load of information that he got. But he mearly responded with the useless advice of "sounds like a toxic relationship Jen. It's good you left, he sounds like he'd hurt you again, on purpose or not." he didn't understand, I knew he wouldn't. But I had to say something to someone. Even if it didn't help... Then he offered something
"I have a therapist I could bring you too, I'll pay. If this guy effected you that much that is." I have him an annoyed look which he didn't understand, but I changed the subject, I didn't need a therapist. I needed Tom. I drained Stans voice out, looking out the window, yet again studying the slowly falling snow on the other side of the window, falling and joining the rest on the cold ground, piling up as time went on every individual snow flake going its own way, on its own path. Just to end the same as every other floating and falling along with them.
Stan realised I wasn't paying attention and stood up, taking his bag and I followed. "let's go back, you seem tired." at least he got the hint. The walk back felt time miles. Everyone passing me, they're all there own individual snowflakes, going there own way. I wonder what path they're taking that's so different to mine. If the wind will push them to fall and land to melt first, getting home left me exhausted as Stan said his hello's and goodbye's. But I didn't stick around for that, going right back to my bedroom where the day had begun. Grabbing my phone out of my pocket as I collapsed on the bed that soothed me in my most vulnerable depth of sleep. Finding Tom's number and calling it regretfully.
It rang, the ringing lasting longer each time, was he not going to pickup after all that effort. Was he over me. Was I too late, just as I was about to hang up, the ringing stopped. Being replaced by a raspy deep voice that left a ringing in my heart "hallo..?" they asked. I sighed, "Tom..." I whispered, hearing him instantly get up, he had obviously fallen asleep, so early in the day.. I could hear his heartbeat grow from over the phone as mine sinked in beat. "Jen?!" his voice still grasping on to itself after being silant for as long as he slept my smile grew as my mind clouded, his voice dangerously attractive. "I.." I thought. "I want an explanation." I heard him chuckle imavenig the stupid smirk he would have. "I could ask the same."
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