The next morning, Lily woke to someone pounding on her door. She groaned and cracked an eye. 5:30 a.m. Who in God's name was pounding on her door this early? Sighing, she threw back the covers and sat up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She'd gone to bed less than an hour ago. Nikoli's damn game kept her up until all hours, engrossed in it.
Another round of loud knocking earned the poor door a glare. "I'm coming! Give me a minute!" she grumbled, standing up. She dragged herself to the door and nearly ripped it off the hinges, ready to let whichever girl was on the other side have it if this wasn't an emergency.
But it was Adam who stood there, his eyes bloodshot, and he smelled like a brewery.
"Hey, Lils." He grinned down at her. "Can I come in?"
A door cracked down the hall, and Lily stepped back, not wanting any of the very gossipy girls on this floor to see him. "Hurry up," she said as he took his sweet time stumbling inside. How did he even get in here? Guys weren't allowed in the girls' dorms past eleven at night. They locked the doors after two.
"You're drunk, Adam."
"Just a little," he agreed, his eyes drooping.
"What are you doing here?" She frowned when he tried to sit on her bed and missed, his butt landing on the floor with a loud thump.
"I don't know," he said, the confusion in his voice as puzzling to him as it was to her. Or it could have been the slight slur when he talked. "I just started walking and ended up here. I'm sleepy."
Lily sighed. She couldn't boot him out when he was drunk. She locked her door then threw him one of her pillows and grabbed a blanket out of the closet. "Here. You can sleep on the floor."
He gave her a crooked grin and lay down, pulling the blanket close. He was always a blanket hog, even when they were kids. She climbed back in her bed and tried to ignore his shuffling. She needed sleep too.
Just as her eyes were closing, he spoke. "Lily?"
"Yeah?" Go to sleep, dammit.
"I'm sorry."
He sounded pitiful and lonely.
"I need you to forgive me, Lils...I miss you. What I did, it was unforgivable, but I need my best friend back. Please."
There was that heartbroken little boy she'd loved so much. The same one who'd stuck by her through everything. She missed Adam too. He'd hurt her deeply, yes, but he'd suffered enough.
"Okay."
"Thank God," he whispered. "You remember that summer we went to Myrtle Beach, and I ignored you because I was flirting with what's-her-name?"
Lily laughed. Yes, she remembered it. It was the summer she realized he didn't love her like she wanted him to. It wasn't until he'd started liking other girls she'd understood he didn't feel that way about her. It used to hurt a lot, but not so much anymore.
"You were so mad at me 'cause I left you out of everything. I didn't understand why you were mad until now, until you stopped talking to me. Now I know what it feels like to have your best friend ignore you. I'm so sorry, Lils."
He must really be drunk to be going down memory lane.
"It's okay, Adam. Let's go to sleep, okay? I'm tired."
"Okay."
Lily breathed a sigh of relief when he stopped talking. She was damn tired and needed sleep.
"Why are you dating Kincaid?"
"You know why," she said, groaning. Why? Why tonight? Why did he have to start talking about this when he was drunk and she was dead tired?
"No, not that bullshit reason you told everyone. Why him, Lily?"
"Why not?" she asked.
"Because he's..."
"None of your business," Lily interrupted before he could start in on Nikoli's character. Yeah, he might be a manwhore, but he was also a decent person at heart. And she loved him. She still couldn't figure out how she'd let it happen, but there was the cold truth of it. She should be scared, but she wasn't. Even if he broke her heart—and he would—she didn't regret it. She thought she might once she started to really think about it, but she didn't. Nikoli had given her more in a few months than anyone else had in her entire life.
"He's gonna hurt you, Lils," Adam told her, the slur back in his voice.
"I know," she whispered.
"Then why?" Adam asked, confused.
"Because I love him," she replied softly.
"Damn," Adam cursed. "You're not serious? He will eat you up and spit you out, Lily."
"Why do you care, Adam?" she asked, irritated. "Who I do or don't love isn't your business."
Adam sat up and looked at her. His eyes were serious. "I care because I love you, Lily. I've always loved you."
"I love you too, Adam, but this big brother complex has to stop. I can make my own choices, my own mistakes. You don't have to protect me. I need to live my own life instead of hiding behind you and letting you protect me from anything that can hurt me."
"No, Lils, you don't understand. I love you."
"And I love you too." She laughed.
"No, dammit," he growled. "I love you, Lily, not Susan. You."
Lily's mouth fell open. Did he just say what she thought he said? He loved her? Like loved loved her? No way. And why did he say it when he was drunk?
"Adam, you're drunk and not thinking straight. It's the booze talking. Go to sleep, and you'll forget all this in the morning."
"I'm drunk, Lily, but not nearly that drunk," he said softly. "I know what I'm saying."
"Adam, you love Sue," she said, trying desperately to remind him. Why now? Was it just a response to her telling him she was in love with Nikoli?
"Yeah, I do love Sue," he agreed. "I loved her enough to ask her to marry me."
"Then why are you saying you love me and not her?" Lily searched his eyes, and she saw a truth there she would have jumped up and down for a few months ago, but not now.
"Because I'm a blind fool," he said bitterly. "My mom said something to me over the summer when I told her about the engagement. She said I was foolish for not seeing what was right in front of me. I didn't understand what she meant, but I do now. When I thought I lost you, I went a little nuts. I kept thinking of how much I hurt you and the look on your face when you told me to get out. The thought of losing you, it broke me. I can't imagine my world without you, Lily."
Her heart stuttered at the shattered sound of his voice, and a single tear slipped down her cheek. Why couldn't he have said this even a few weeks ago? She loved him, but she loved Nikoli more.
"You're the one I want, Lily, the one I want to marry, to have kids with, the one I want to grow old with. Just you."
"Adam..."
"Please, Lily, tell me you love me, that you'll marry me, please."
Her heart broke. She saw the truth of what he was saying in his face, heard it in his voice. Drunk he might be, but he was being honest with her, maybe because he was drunk. It might have given him the courage he needed to tell her all this. Liquid courage, Mike called it. He'd heard the expression in some old western his dad had made him watch. It fit.
"I..."
"Don't say anything now," he interrupted her. "Just think about it, okay?"
"You might wake up and regret all this in the morning."
"No, Lily, I only regret it took an ass like Kincaid to make me realize how much I love you and how badly I hurt you. Just promise to think about it, please? Just think about you and me and everything we've shared, about all we could share in the future? That's all I'm asking, to just think about it."
"Okay," she whispered, and he lay back down. When he didn't say anything else, Lily turned over and stared at the wall. Her mind felt fuzzy. She was so tired, and now it was full of thoughts and questions about how she felt, about everything.
Why the hell had Adam decided to spring this on her tonight?
And what was she going to do when they both woke up?
***
Nikoli whistled as he walked down the hallway to Lily's dorm room. It was nine, and he figured she'd had enough time to sleep. He told himself he was here because he wanted to hear her thoughts on the game, but honestly, he just wanted to see Lily. He knocked on her door and shouted, "Wake up, Lily Bells!"
The next thing he heard was a loud thump and Lily cursing worse than a sailor. He laughed, just thinking of her face. She must have fallen out of bed. When she wrenched her door open, his smile faded. Adam was passed out on the floor.
"Shhh," she whispered and pulled him inside. "He's still asleep."
"What's he doing here?" Nikoli demanded, the caveman inside yelling "mine."
"He showed up drunk early this morning, and I let him sleep on the floor," she said, her voice weary. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to take you to breakfast." She looked tired. "Did you sleep?"
"Some," she said, yawning. "I was playing your game all night, and then this one woke me up less than an hour after I passed out."
"Come on," he said, "let me take you to breakfast, and then you can go sleep at the apartment."
She yawned again and glanced at Adam before nodding. "He'll sleep most of the day. He sleeps like the dead when he's drunk. Let me go to the bathroom, and then we'll leave."
Lily grabbed her toothbrush and toothpaste before leaving. Once she was gone, Nikoli turned his attention to Adam. He couldn't figure out what Lily saw in Boy Wonder. He was average, generic. He also had bad taste in women. Sue was an empty-headed shrew with a care for no one but herself. Nikoli had had the chance to fuck her in his sophomore year, but even he had standards. Sue was a real piece of work, and he'd nipped her in the bud before she could get past hello.
Adam, unfortunately, was beginning to understand his feelings for Lily. Nikoli wouldn't be surprised if he dumped the Barbie for Lily. Just the thought of Adam and Lily together set his teeth to grinding. They would be good together, though. They'd get married and have the traditional two kids and a dog to go along with the white picket fence. Lily would have everything she ever wanted. She'd be happy. She deserved to be happy.
She deserved better than him.
Not that she wanted him. Oh, she wanted him sexually, but she didn't want him. He knew what she thought of him. Granted, her opinion may have changed a little over the last months, but she still thought of him as the manwhore of Boston University. She would never see him as anything else. And that was okay. He didn't want her to see him as anything other than that. He needed her to think of him that way so it would be easier when they broke up. For both of them.
"Hey." Lily interrupted his thoughts. He turned and saw her smiling. How had he not heard her come in?
"Hey, my little stealthy ninja." He pulled her to him. "You smell all minty fresh."
She laughed, and he couldn't resist leaning down to sweep her lips with his. He felt the sigh go through her and pulled her closer in response, increasing the pressure of his kiss. Every time he kissed her, he lost more of his desire to let her go. This was getting to the point of no return. He needed to end it soon. After Miami. He'd end it when they got back from Miami.
He pulled back and stared down into her eyes, sparkling with laughter and warmth. Miami. Well, fuck. The dread slammed into him with all the force of a sledgehammer. Now he didn't want to go to Miami.
"You okay?" she asked, concerned. "You look like you're gonna puke."
"I'm fine." He brushed it off. "Ready to go?"
"Sure." Her eyes remained worried, but she grabbed her purse and followed him out the door.
The ride to his latest hole-in-the-wall discovery was quiet. He kept glancing at her, and she kept staring out the window. She had something on her mind, something that wasn't good. Nikoli couldn't explain how he knew this, but it was like an itch right at the base of his neck. It wouldn't go away.
Once they were seated in the dinky diner with their orders placed, he asked, "What's wrong, Lily Bells? Something's bothering you."
She turned confused and frustrated eyes to him, and he sucked in a breath. "Adam said some stuff this morning."
"Did he hurt you again? I swear I will beat him this time."
"No, no." She shook her head. "Nothing like that. He was drunk, and I don't think he meant what he said, or maybe he did because he was drunk. I don't know."
A sick feeling settled in Nikoli's stomach. He knew what was coming. "What did he say?"
Lily sighed and looked into Nikoli's eyes. They were darker, almost angry. If she didn't know him better, she'd say he was jealous, but the manwhore never got jealous. He didn't love her. She reminded herself of that forcefully. He might want to have sex with her, but he would never want her.
"He told me he was in love with me and that he wanted to marry me and not Sue."
"I see," Nikoli murmured, and Lily shot him a glance. His eyes had gone blank and his face closed off. "That's what you wanted, wasn't it, Lily?"
"Yes," Lily agreed quietly. "It was what I wanted."
"Then why don't you look happy, Milaya?"
"Why now, Nikoli? Why now that I'm getting better? Why now that I'm with you? I don't know if Adam really means it or if he's just reacting to something he's never experienced before. I was always there for him, and now I'm not. What if he misses that and is confused about how he feels because of it?"
"Milaya, Boy Wonder is in love with you. Is this recent, or has he always felt that way? I don't know, but I do know how jealous he's been. He can't stand the thought of me and you together. It drives him crazy."
"Maybe," she muttered.
"Well, if you decide to take Boy Wonder up on his offer, you renege on this imaginary bet, and Ellie stays with me."
His car? That was his first thought? His car? It only solidified Lily's opinion that Nikoli didn't love her, that he didn't want her. He just wanted his damn car. She felt her face heat up, but this time in anger. Why should she care or be shocked? He was Boston University's very own manwhore, after all.
Nikoli watched Lily's cheeks fill with color and her blue eyes flash with fury, and he frowned. Why was she mad? Boy Wonder was her end goal. She should be happy.
Nikoli should be happy for her, but he wasn't. He wanted to hit something. To beat someone bloody. Anger fought with jealousy inside of him, and he hated it. He didn't get attached, ever, but this woman had gotten under his skin. She would leave him. He'd known that from the beginning.
"Hey, May, turn that up," someone shouted, and he and Lily turned to see another crime scene pictured on the flat screen in the corner of one wall. Another girl had been found, and it appeared to be the same guy who'd been killing all summer. Boston was officially in the grips of a serial killer, and everyone was on edge.
"That's two blocks away from the university." Lily's eyes widened. "Oh my gosh, he's been getting closer and closer to the college since he started."
"Don't worry, Milaya, they'll catch him."
"Yes, we will."
Nikoli's head snapped up, and he saw his brother, Kade, grinning down at him. The mess of curly black hair and sleepy black eyes made Nikoli laugh. Kade looked like he hadn't slept in a week and had a serious case of bedhead. He stood, wrapping his brother in a bear hug.
"Good to see you, Nik," Kade said when they let go. "One would think you were hiding from your brothers the way you never call."
"Just busy, bro," Nikoli said. "Lily, this is my brother, Kade."
"Hello," Lily said, smiling. "It's very nice to meet you."
Kade's eyebrows hit his hairline. Not that Nikoli blamed him. He and his brothers were all alike. They didn't take girls to breakfast. They had sex, and they moved on.
"You're the oldest brother, right?" Lily asked.
"Uh, yeah," Kade murmured and gave Nikoli a look that said, "What the fuck, dude?"
"Kade, have a seat, man. We just ordered breakfast, and the food here is stellar." Nikoli scooted over so his brother could sit. Kade slid in, but his eyes stayed on Lily. "How did you find me?"
"FBI, remember? It's easy to track you down."
"Pretty sure that's a violation of my right to privacy." Nikoli snorted at his brother's pious look.
"Brothers don't have an expectation of privacy." Kade laughed. "So, Lily, how long have you known my brother?"
"I've known the manwhore for a couple months," she said, her voice completely innocent, causing Nikoli to spew the mouthful of coffee he'd just taken.
Kade's laugh boomed through the diner. "Manwhore?"
"Well, he does have a bit of a reputation," Lily said, "but he has been behaving the last few months."
"Has he?" Kade asked, glancing at Nikoli, who shot him a fuck-off look. "That doesn't sound like him. My brother doesn't know how to behave."
Lily just smiled. "Then you don't know him as well as you think you do. Nikoli is a decent guy...for a manwhore."
"I thought we agreed you would stop calling me that," Nikoli seethed. He hated that nickname. Truly hated it, especially when Lily used it.
"Did we?" she asked, her voice all sweet, and his eyes widened. She was still pissed at him. But why? He hadn't understood it to begin with. Why was she mad at him because her dreams were coming true? The woman made no sense.
"Yes, dushka, we did." He leaned closer, eyes narrowed.
"Don't call me dushka!" Lily's own eyes narrowed.
"Oh, I'll do more than call you dushka," Nikoli said, his eyes a clear threat.
"You can try, Kincaid."
Nikoli's grin grew at the sly tone in Lily's voice.
Kade interrupted before Nikoli could respond. "Um, big brother here...do I need to leave so you two can get a room?"
"No." Nikoli sat back when the waitress came to set down their food. He waited for her to take Kade's massive order that had Lily scrunching her nose in disgust before asking, "What are you doing here, Kade?"
"Your serial killer." Kade's usual carefree face was serious for once. "The Boston PD called, and we were sent to do what we can to help catch the guy."
"Called?" Lily asked.
"I'm Special Agent Kade Kincaid," he said. "I'm a member of the BAU—"
"The Behavioral Analysis Unit," Lily finished for him, and Nikoli sighed. Lily was a true fan of the show Criminal Minds. She could watch that show for hours when the reruns came on. Truthfully, it had grown on Nikoli too. He found himself watching it even when Lily wasn't around.
Kade gave Lily his best "come here and let me hit that" grin. Nikoli turned so he could look his brother dead in the eyes. "No."
Kade's eyebrows shot up again. Nikoli knew how territorial he was being and how unusual it was for him, but he'd be damned if he sat here and watched his brother flirt with his girlfriend.
He saw Lily shake her head out of the corner of his eye, and he shot her a glare. "I mean it, Kade. Hands off my girlfriend."
"Your what?" Kade spewed his own coffee across the table and right onto Lily, who let out a dismayed gasp. Coffee stains covered her t-shirt.
"Girlfriend." Nikoli leaned over to wipe the coffee off Lily with a napkin. She looked so shocked at his use of the dirty word "girlfriend." She was his until he broke up with her after Miami. Or until she said yes to Boy Wonder, whichever came first. A brick settled in Nikoli's stomach at the thought. Damn, he really wanted to hit something.
"You don't do girlfriends," Kade sputtered.
"I do now," Nikoli growled. "Apologize to Lily Bells."
Kade stared at her with his mouth open, and Lily suppressed the urge to laugh. The man looked like he'd been kicked in the teeth at the thought of his little brother having an honest-to-goodness girlfriend. So funny.
"Sorry," he muttered at last, confused and frowning. It was all she could do to keep from smiling at his so Nikoli-ish look. She'd seen it on Nikoli's face a lot the last month or so. If he hadn't been so blasé about Adam this morning, she might have actually thought he cared. Nikoli confused her. He acted like he didn't want her, and then he went and told his brother she was his girlfriend.
It was seriously pissing her off, to be honest. She loved the idiot, and he couldn't seem to make up his mind about what she was to him. Lily knew deep down Nikoli would never be hers, but moments like this gave her hope that maybe she was wrong, maybe he did feel something for her. God, she wanted him to feel something for her. Needed it more than she needed anything else. And it scared her because she was going to be so broken when this ended.
"So, Lily, are you a senior or...?" Kade left the question hanging and brought Lily out of her dire thoughts.
"Senior."
"What's your major?"
"English. I'm going to be working at a literary agency in New York when I graduate. They've already offered me the job."
"You'll be working with authors? Not an author yourself?"
"Oh, I'm an author," she said, smiling. "My novel is almost done. When I finish and revise it, I'm going to try to get published."
"You're writing a book?" Nikoli asked. "You didn't tell me."
"No, I didn't," she agreed. "I don't tell you everything, Kincaid."
"Apparently," he growled, and Lily laughed. He was in full testosterone mode this morning. "What's it about?"
"None of your business," she said. She knew it would drive him nuts until he found out. If he only knew...she shook her head. He'd read it eventually and understand what she wanted to say to him. It was their story. She'd write the ending once they'd ended things. That was all that was missing from their story.
"Why don't you want to tell me?"
"Writers don't normally share their work until it's published. Something about needing their privacy."
"And how would you know that?" Nikoli asked his brother.
"I dated a writer for about a week." Kade popped a piece of sausage into his mouth. "She got all pissy when I peeked at what she was writing."
"That sounds about right," Lily agreed. "Come near mine and you'll get hurt."
"Come on, now, Lily Bells," Nikoli wheedled. "Let me read it."
"No."
"Just the first chapter?"
"No."
"Leave it be, Nikoli," Kade said. "She'll hurt you. Don't you see that gleam in her eye that says she's ready to stab you with her fork?"
"Lily wouldn't hurt me," Nikoli scoffed.
"Wanna bet?" Lily asked, remembering his blasé attitude earlier.
This time it was Nikoli's turn for his eyebrows to shoot up. Ah, he was finally getting the message of how pissed she was. He probably had no clue why, but he didn't need to know why, only that she was.
"So, Kade, you're working on the serial killer case?" she asked so she wouldn't have to deal with Nikoli. "Do you guys have any leads?"
"I really can't discuss an ongoing case," he said. "I will tell you that we just got here last night and are catching up on everything. We'll get him soon."
"I hope it's sooner rather than later. That last one was too close to campus."
"Yes," Kade murmured. "We're asking for the university to allow a police presence there, just in case. Make sure you never go anywhere on your own, always bring someone, walk back to your dorm with a friend. Never alone."
"I'll make sure of it," Nikoli promised.
Kade's food came, and Lily turned her eyes back to the TV. The news was still talking about the latest victim. If the FBI was here, then the situation was serious. She'd been nervous about the whole situation since she'd seen the first news broadcast over the summer.
She hoped they caught him soon.
***
When Lily returned to her dorm room, she expected to find it empty, but Adam was sitting on her bed, his face troubled. She closed the door and leaned against it. When his eyes met hers, they were dark and thoughtful. The hangover was evident from his wince when the girl in the next room slammed her door.
"You look like hell." Lily pushed herself away from the door and plopped down in her desk chair.
He ran a hand through his hair. "I feel worse."
"Getting shit-faced will do that to you."
He fell back on her bed and stared up at the ceiling. "Lily, we need to talk about...well..."
"What you said last night?"
"Yeah." He still didn't move. "I know blurting that stuff out at you when I'm drunk wasn't the best idea."
"Ya think?"
"I may have been drunk, but I meant every word I said, Lily."
Lily closed her eyes and counted to ten. A month ago, this conversation would have meant the world to her, but not now. Now, it only meant she had to hurt the one person who had always been there for her through everything.
"Adam, you don't mean that..."
"Yes, I do." He sat and looked her in the eye. "I love you, Lils. I've loved you my entire life. I just didn't think you'd ever get better..."
"So you're only interested in me now that you think I'm getting better?" Anger leaked out of her voice. She couldn't help it.
"That's not what I meant." Adam rolled his shoulders. "I tried, Lily, I tried so hard to help you, but I couldn't. I don't understand why Nikoli could, when nothing I did worked. That is what I meant."
Either way, the outcome was the same. He hadn't shown any interest until Nikoli. It still stung a bit, but she'd forgiven him somewhere along the way. Didn't mean she wasn't pissed he only told her this after Nikoli.
"Adam, I love you. God knows, for the longest time, I thought I was in love with you, but I've only recently discovered the difference. You're my best friend, and you did help me more than you know. Just being there for me, never letting me push you away. That kept me from going off the deep end. You will always be my best friend, and I will always love you, but I'm not in love with you."
"You love the campus manwhore." Adam's eyes dilated, his anger evident in the way his body tensed. "He's going to break you into little pieces."
"Then my best friend will be there to put me back together again." Lily offered him a small smile. She knew it was true. Nikoli was going to hurt her, but she'd take the hurt for the way she felt right now.
"But, Lils, if you'd only listen to what I'm saying, you won't be broken." Adam stood and started to pace. "I love you, Lily. We can be so happy together, if you'll just trust me and let me show you."
"Adam, what about Sue?"
"What about her?"
"You're supposed to be getting married in a few weeks. What would that do to her?"
He stopped pacing and sat on the floor. His was expression torn, confused.
"I think you're only saying all this now because of Nikoli. You love Sue, don't you?"
"Yes."
"Then why would you even consider leaving her?"
"Because I love you!" he shouted, his frustration pouring out. "You're not listening to me, Lily. I love you more than I could ever love Sue. I want to marry you, have kids with you, and grow old with you. Only you. I've always wanted that. You're my heart, Lily. It's killing me watching you and Nikoli, thinking that should be me with you. Every time I see you two together, it feels like someone is stabbing me in the heart. What can I say to make you understand? I love you."
Tears blurred Lily's vision, and she wiped them away. He sounded so broken.
"Why, Lily? Why do you trust him and not me?"
"Because I was afraid, Adam." Her words were hesitant, uncertain. "I've been seeing Rebekha again, twice a week for the last few weeks. We've been talking about that. I was afraid that if I let myself touch you, you'd die, just like Daddy and Laney. I couldn't do that. My mind refused to even contemplate it. Nikoli had no ties to me. He was a stranger, and I wasn't afraid of hurting him like I was you."
"Do you still think you can hurt me?"
"No. I understand my fears now, and between Nikoli and Rebekha, I'm getting better."
"Then why not give us a chance, Lils? Let me show you how much I love you, how good we can be together."
"Because I don't love you like that, Adam." Her voice was quiet, somber. She watched him recoil in hurt, and it nearly made her double over from the pain. "I do love you, but I love you like a brother, like my best friend. I don't know what I'd do without you in my life, but that's all I feel for you, Adam."
He stood, his movements stiff and slow. His eyes were haunted when he looked at her, but there was a determination in them too. "When he breaks you, Lily, I will be here to pick up the pieces. Then I'll show you what you mean to me, and maybe you'll give us a chance."
"Adam..."
"No," he cut her off, "don't say anything, Lily. I'm not going to give up on you. I'm the one who will be here for you when he's gone. Remember that." Adam walked over and planted a quick kiss on her head. It was so fast, it reminded her of Nikoli's sneak attacks. It was over so quickly she didn't have time to freak. He gave her a crooked smile and let himself out, closing the door behind him.
Lily closed her eyes and let her head fall to the desk.
Damn you, Nikoli Kincaid, for ruining any chance I had with Adam.
She cried, cried for the life she could have had, for the happiness that might have been, but mostly she cried for the hurt she'd caused the one person she never wanted to hurt, but had.