In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful
For this Quran is, most surely, an enduring Remembrance of great honor for you, O Muhammad, and for your people, in whose language it had been revealed. Thus all of you shall be questioned on Judgement Day about your obligations to it.
I hated hospitals, they were depressing and cold and only associated with bad memories, for me anyway. It was at a hospital I found out about Dad's cancer after he collapsed at home, the times after he was hospitalized a few months to his death were excruciating. It was painful watching him fade away day by day, sometimes I just didn't want to go, and I was so mad at the hospital for not trying to save him. I knew it wasn't their fault, but I needed someone to blame, I needed someone to direct my anger at. It felt cruel and unfair; having my Dad suddenly ripped away from me, from Mom and Zayd. The fear, anxiety, sadness and anguish I felt those days were terrible.
And now, as I was sitting in the hospital lobby, I felt all those feelings all over again. My right leg bounced up and down nervously and I couldn't stop fidgeting, I was still wearing the pyjama pants and sweatshirt I had on at Hailey's place. After I received Zayd's call I had sprinted out of Hailey's house barely stopping to wear my hijab, then flagged down the first taxi I found and rushed to the hospital. I felt the cold tile beneath the soles of my feet and I realized I was barefoot, I didn't even wear my shoes. I'm sure some people thought I was crazy; a barefoot girl clad in pyjamas running through the halls like a mental patient.
I glanced up at Zayd who was pacing up and down impatiently. He told me that Mom's workplace had called him cause he was listed in her emergency contacts, they told him which hospital they were bringing her to and he called me before driving over. He said he hadn't seen her since he got here and no one had told him anything about her condition, so here we were; waiting for news- whether good or bad. Was it even possible to receive good news at a hospital? It was either bad news... or worse.
What happened to Mom? Was she sick? I tried to recall if there were any times that she seemed sick, she always looked tired, but she said that it was just work and I believed her without another thought. Had she been suffering for a long time and kept it hidden from us? She didn't have...? did she? God, I didn't even want to think about it. I started to shake and I wrapped my arms round myself tightly, this couldn't be happening. I can't lose Mom too. Ya Allah please, don't take away our Mom too, we need her.
"I called Aunt Melanie after I called you", Zayd said and fell into the seat beside me, "she's on her way"
I nodded mutely, but my mind couldn't even process what he was saying. I kept staring at my feet, hugging myself while praying that my Mom was okay. The lobby was frustratingly empty, Zayd sprang up and started pacing the floor again, then he stopped a nurse who was walking by and started asking her a bunch of questions. I couldn't even decipher what they were saying, all that was going through my mind was Mom, Mom, Mom Mom Mom and Mom.
The doors to the lobby slid open and Aunt Melanie rushed in, she stopped in her tracks when she saw us, "Zahra, Zayd", she walked over and sat down beside me, "oh honey", she said and pulled me into a hug. I said nothing and stayed still in her arms, feeling numb.
She released me when Zayd approached her, she wrapped her arms round him and I drowned out their conversation. Where was the damn doctor? I needed answers.
"Wait here", Aunt Melanie told us and walked to the doors that led to the emergency room, she beat on them until a nurse appeared at the window, she glanced at Aunt Melanie, then her eyes darted to us. She disappeared from the window and moments later the door opened and she emerged from the other side, Aunt Melanie faced her immediately, "a woman was just brought in after collapsing from work, where is she? Any news yet?"
The nurse peered at her from behind thin rimmed glasses, "are you talking about a muslim lady?"
"Yes!", I raced to Aunt Melanie's side, "yes, the muslim lady, what happened to her? Is she okay?", the questions kept spilling out, "she's not sick is she?"
Zayd came to join us and the nurse squinted at us, I glanced at the ID card clipped to her chest; Rosie, "are you family?"
"She's our Mom", Zayd declared hotly.
"I'm her sister", Aunt Melanie answered her, "how's her condition? Can we see her?"
Rosie pursed her lips and nodded, "wait here", she said, "let me get someone who can help you"
Zayd blew out a breath and threw his hands up in frustration when she left, "how much longer do we have to fucking wait? It's been almost an hour"
If I was in a better mood I would have bit back a response, but I was starting to get pretty pissed off myself. This was another thing I hated about hospitals, the waiting, it was like they were stalling for time before dropping the bombshell on us.
Some minutes later a doctor came up to us, I stood up quickly as he approached us, "you're relatives of Mary Ibrahim?"
"Yes", the three of us chorused.
The man nodded, "follow me", he said and led us to the emergency wards. My heart was beating wildly in my chest, I clamped my hands together tightly and prayed that we'd find Mom sitting up in the room and she would just laugh and say she had a headache and was just slightly dizzy and her coworkers overreacted.
The doctor stopped at a room and opened the door, I was holding my breath as we entered. Mom was lying on the bed, her eyes closed and an IV in her arm.
"Mom", I breathed and we rushed to her side, I held her hand in mine; it was warm and she looked like she was just sleeping.
Aunt Melanie turned to the doctor, "what happened? Is my sister alright?"
"She had a TIA", he answered.
"A what?", Zayd asked.
"A TIA, a Transient ischemic attack"
A transient ische- what? I had no idea what that meant, but it sounded serious and scary.
Aunt Melanie frowned and shook her head slightly, making me know she also had no clue, "what does that mean?", she asked the doctor, "is it bad?"
"It's not fatal, I understand your concern", he replied, "a TIA is often referred to as a mini stroke because it has similar symptoms, but it doesn't cause any long term damage. It happens when blood flow to a part of the brain is temporarily blocked, usually due to a blood clot"
I heard nothing else after mini stroke. Mom had a stroke? Why? How? I thought strokes only happened to old people, what was going to happen now?
"But how?", Zayd voiced my question out loud, "why would Mom have a stroke? Mini or whatever, it doesn't make any sense, she's perfectly fine"
The doctor held his gaze for a while before sighing, "when she was brought in, her blood pressure was high. Her sugar levels were also low, so it's possible she isn't eating well", he placed his hands on his hips and continued, "high levels of stress, anxiety and depressive symptoms can also cause a TIA, it's not very severe, so I believe she's under a lot of emotional stress", he turned to Aunt Melanie, "has there been any signs you can think of? A traumatic experience maybe? Does she smoke?"
"No", she looked down, "but her husband died some months earlier", she said quietly.
"I don't understand", I shook my head and stared at the doctor, "you're saying that she's depressed? She looked just fine", I insisted, all those times that Mom came home with a tired face came to mind. Had she been battling with depression and anxiety all those times, how could I not have seen it? Her room was filled with memories of Dad, she still had his clothes. God, I felt horrible.
Sympathy flashed across the doctor's face, "depression doesn't always show on the outside", he told me, "the happiest person on the outside could be dying inside"
"So what now?", Zayd asked, "is she going to be okay?"
"What do we have to do?", Aunt Melanie asked him, tears were starting to form in her eyes.
"We'll keep her for the night", he replied, "we still need to perform more tests, but she should able to go home tomorrow, I'll prescribe medication afterwards. Also I think it's best for her to take some time off work and rest at home, her underlying conditions also need to be addressed, therapy should help her"
I released a shaky breath and looked at Mom, she laid still on the bed, not even a finger twitch, and her chest rose and fell with each breath she took. Tears pooled in my eyes, I was the worst daughter ever, how could I not have noticed what she was going through? The only thing that had been going through my head ever since was Hassan and volleyball, and Hassan again. And lately; Zayd and Lucia. I lowered myself onto the seat beside the bed and placed my hand on top of her, Zayd came to stand beside me while Aunt Melanie asked the doctor more questions. I lowered my head and rested my forehead on the bed, going over the last few minutes again; TIA, mini stroke, anxiety, stress, depression. God.
A hand settled on my shoulder and I raised my head, Zayd was staring at the IV that was attached to Mom's arm, a grim look on his face "she's going to be fine", he said, his voice full of conviction. He squeezed my shoulder before letting go and I nodded, "yes, she will", I choked out.
She had to.
We stayed with mom for another hour before leaving, she opened her eyes briefly but she couldn't talk much before slipping into slumber again. Aunt Melanie offered to stay with us for the night but we told her it was fine, the ride home was silent. I stared out the window the entire time, wondering how my life suddenly start to take a 180 degree turn, the calm before the storm, I thought. Or in this case; the storm after the calm.
My phone buzzed and I pulled it out from my purse; there were messages from Hailey and Kamilah, and I saw that I had earlier texts from them,
Hailey: hey, what happened? Is your mom okay?
Kamilah: are you there yet? How's your mom?
Hailey: got any news yet? I hope it's nothing serious.
Hailey: Zee, are you okay? Call me when you're free to talk.
Kamilah: Hailey and I are worried sick, are you okay? What about your mom?
Kamilah: everything's gonna be okay, don't worry. I'll be praying for your mom.
I bit my lip and choked back a sob, clamping a hand over my mouth. Why I suddenly got so emotional I had no idea, Zayd cast me a wary glance before dragging his eyes back to the road, but he didn't say anything. We hadn't spoken to each other since we left the hospital, and I wondered if we were back to ignoring each other.
I typed back responses to Hailey and Kamilah, letting them know that mom was fine and thanking them, a brief burst of happiness and warmth filled my chest and I smiled for the first time since I left Hailey's house. My friends were the absolute best.
We arrived at our house and I trudged inside, Zayd went straight to his room and shut the door. I dragged my feet to the kitchen, then poured a glass of cold water down my throat. I looked down at my feet; grimy and dusty, I went to my room and took a shower. After praying Maghrib and Isha I went back downstairs, Zayd was in the kitchen leaning against the counter, his phone to his ear. He turned around when he heard me walk in, I stood awkwardly in the doorway, playing with the hem of my shirt. I wasn't sure if we were still ignoring each other or we could finally have a decent conversation.
He held my gaze and dropped his phone on the kitchen counter, "I ordered pizza", he announced, "figured it was too late to cook"
"Oh, right", I squeaked out and nodded, "yeah, good idea"
Zayd raised a brow before turning his back to me, he sat on a stool and cracked open a bottle of orange juice.
Okay, I guess we were still ignoring each other.
But, was this okay? Mom was in the hospital, we had to stick together for her. This dumb feud had to stop.
I walked towards the table cautiously, "hey", I started as I took a seat opposite him, "um... I guess we should talk. I mean, we can't keep avoiding each other forever right?"
Zayd raised his eyes to look at me, "I guess so", he said with a light shrug, taking another gulp of juice.
I was a little annoyed at his halfhearted response, but I quelled my irritation, "look, I know things are kinda awkward right now", I said, removing the part where it was his fault, "but Mom... she collapsed today, we need to stick together for her sake"
"I'm not heartless you know", he retorted with an eye roll, "I care about Mom too"
I pinned him with a scowl, what crawled up his ass? "I never said you didn't"
"Besides, you're the one making things difficult"
I scoffed in disbelief, "me? I'm making things difficult?", I pushed myself off the stool, "might I remind you that you are the one frolicking around with Lucia the Siren Murphy like some lovesick idiot? I can't even watch a romance movie peacefully without the image of the two of you playing tongue hockey coming to mind whenever there's a kiss scene!", I ran my hands down my face in frustration, this was the second time I'd failed to have a level-headed talk with him. Why did he always have to push my damn buttons and act like a brat all the time?
Zayd's lips thinned into a tight line and he shot an annoyed glare at me, "can you save the lecture for another day? I'm tired and don't have time for this", he said and got up to leave the kitchen.
"Oh? But you have time to fuck around with the Siren huh?"
Man, I was a pro at saying the F word now.
"Stop calling her that!", he whirled around and shook his fist at me, "for God's sake Zahra, just stop, shut up"
"What the hell is wrong with you?!", I cried, throwing my hands up in desperation and irritation, "I'm trying to reason with you, can't you see what you're doing? It's changing you Zayd! Do you think Dad will be pleased if he sees you now?", he flinched when I mentioned Dad and shifted his eyes to the floor, "have you forgotten what he told us about temptation? What you're doing is wrong Zayd and you know it, you can't tell me you don't"
Zayd's jaw was clenched tight now and his hands were fisted at his sides, "dammit", he said under his breath before storming out.
I shuffled out of the kitchen and fell back on one of the couches in the living room, it felt like I just made things worse.
So much for sticking together.
*****
Dad...
Your son is an idiot.
Yes, you heard me right (or whatever), your son; Zayd, is a big fat idiot.
Know what he did?
Well for starters, I found him kissing a siren after losing his basketball match when I went to look for him to cheer him up. Shocking I know, I couldn't believe it either. Later when I tried talking to him I found out that he's actually dating the siren, I call her the siren cause she acts like one, but mostly just out of pettiness. Her name is Lucia.
I couldn't believe it Dad, and I know you can't either. He didn't even listen to me when I tried talking to him, I'm so angry I can't think straight. Now we're ignoring each other, I know you don't like it when we fight, but I tried Dad. I tried but he wouldn't budge, today has been really messed up. Mom collapsed earlier at work, now she's in the hospital.
The doctor said she had a TIA, which is short for a Trans- something attack, which is medical language for a mini stroke. The doctor said that the cause was stress and depression, I'm the worst, I didn't even notice that mom was depressed. I thought she was okay and that it was just work stress, I didn't even check to see if she was eating well. While she was suffering I was texting Hassan and picking out Halloween costumes for Hailey, now she's stuck in the hospital while her kids are here having the most ridiculous fight ever.
I don't know what to do Dad. I wish you were here, you would know what to say to Zayd, and mom wouldn't be depressed.
I love you, I miss you.
Zahra.
*****
It's weird how the night seems to drag longer when you can't sleep.
I laid in my bed wide awake and kept staring at the ceiling, I was tired but too wired to sleep. My brain refused to shut down and the events of the day kept running through my mind, when I got bored with staring at the ceiling, I turned to look at the digital clock on my bedside table; it was 2:30 am. I'd been awake for over two hours, I sighed and curled into a ball, squeezing my eyes shut. Another hour passed before I finally drifted off.
When my alarm rang for Fajr, it felt like I closed my eyes for only ten seconds. I dragged myself out of bed, my body felt strangely light even though I was heavily sleep deprived. I did ablution and prayed Fajr, then read Suratul Yasin and said a lengthy prayer to Allah for mom to get better.
I collapsed into bed when I was done and woke up three hours later, Tabitha appeared on the bed as I sat up and bounded into my laps. She looked at me with wide eyes and meowed loudly, rising on her hind legs and pawing at my face. I gathered her in my arms and cuddled her, massaging the pads of her paws till her eyes started to close. I placed her on the bed and went downstairs.
I entered the kitchen and spotted a box of pizza on the countertop, I'd totally forgotten that Zayd ordered pizza yesterday, after our argument yesterday I wasn't in the mood to eat anything. But now my stomach was rumbling, I opened the box and saw that it was half eaten, at least he had the decency to leave some for me. I put two slices on a plate and into the microwave to reheat it, then I made a cup of coffee while I waited.
I wasn't the biggest fan of coffee, unlike Nadia who couldn't function without her daily dose of caffeine, it was something I barely drank. I only drank coffee whenever I was desperately in need of an energy boost, and considering the fact that I barely had any sleep and we had to be at the hospital in a few hours, I definitely needed the it. Otherwise Mom might not be the only one collapsing, mine would probably caused by a SASDCBDAWITBA; Stress-And-Sleep-Deprivation-Caused-By-Dumb-Argument-With-Idiotic-Twin-Brother-Attack.
Said idiotic twin brother strolled into the kitchen when I was munching on chicken barbecue pizza, he froze when he saw me and we shared a long, tense stare. I was the first to break it and shifted my focus back to my plate, I turned around so my back was facing him, not in the mood to talk. At this point, it was clear that anything I said was going to result in disaster, and I really just wanted to eat my pizza and drink my coffee in peace. Thankfully Zayd said nothing either, he moved around the kitchen and I heard the clatter of a bowl on the island, then the sound of cereal being poured into it. We ate our food wordlessly, the silence hanging heavy between us.
We left for the hospital three hours later and Aunt Melanie arrived shortly after, Mom was awake when we went to her room. She was sitting up in bed looking out the window, she turned to us when we entered. She looked better than I had feared, but the signs were still there; her face was a bit pale, and she looked like she'd been awake for two days. I blinked back the tears that threatened to spill over and walked over to her bed, putting my arms round her, "Mom", I whispered, "don't scare us like that again, please"
"I'm sorry honey", Mom's voice was as light as a feather, "I'm so sorry", she said again, hugging me back and I released a sob.
"Mary", Aunt Melanie choked out and hugged Mom as I released her, "why did you keep it to yourself?"
"I'm sorry Mel, I'm sorry"
Mom was discharged shortly after the doctor checked her condition again, he prescribed her Aspirin, blood pressure medicines and some anti-depressants, "make sure her meals are well balanced", he said, "I recommend a low-fat, reduced salt, high fibre meal, including plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables, luckily her cholesterol levels are stable so she doesn't need Statin, also she should exercise regularly to regain her strength, preferably two days per week", he handed Aunt Melanie a piece of paper and a business card, "it's the contact information of a therapist friend of mine", he told her, "it would help her greatly"
We took Mom back home and Aunt Melanie came with us, Mom went to her room and fell asleep shortly after. Aunt Melanie and I busied ourselves in the kitchen cooking lunch while Zayd holed himself in his room doing God knows what, maybe talking on the phone with Lucia and calling her his sweet little siren.
"you're about to chop your fingers along with those peppers"
"Huh?", I looked down at the bell peppers I was dicing, the one I was holding had been reduced to a tiny cube and I was centimeters away from slicing my finger.
"What's on your mind?", Aunt Melanie asked me, "you've been spacing out a lot, and I don't think it's just about your mom"
Was she always this perceptive? I shook my head and forced a smile, "it's nothing", I said, "I'm just worried about mom"
"Hmm", Aunt Melanie looked unconvinced, she raised her brows and opened the container we stored the raw pasta, "and the tension I sensed between you and Zayd was just my imagination?"
Dammit, was the woman a private investigator or something? How could she be so spot on? I was silent for a while as I chopped red, green and yellow bell peppers and looked for an excuse to say, but my brain was exhausted from overthinking and couldn't come up with anything, "you noticed", I finally said after deciding to admit to it.
"Darling, the tension between you two was so thick I could slice it with a butter knife", Aunt Melanie remarked and dumped the pasta into boiling water, "besides, I've witnessed enough silent wars between Hannah and Brian to be able to detect stuff like this, so what happened?", she asked me, "did he put another fake creepy crawler in your room?", she smiled knowingly and I laughed.
Zayd and I were ten then, we had flown over here for a holiday and we were staying at Aunt Melanie's house. Zayd and Brian had gotten these rubber snakes and roaches and they put it in my bed when I was sleeping, I screamed the house down when I woke up, and didn't talk to Zayd or Brian for a full week.
"No he didn't", I chuckled, "if he did I'll release real roaches in his room", I said and recalled Mateo telling me about the prank he played on Bella. I should put one of the ideas he gave me to use.
"My backyard is filled with promising critters", Aunt Melanie joked, she placed the lid over the pot of pasta and turned around to face me, "so, what really happened?"
I sighed, putting the diced peppers aside and getting to work with the onions, "it's just a dumb argument, we had a difference in opinions", I told her, "we'll get over it eventually, hopefully", I added under my breath.
*****
I stared at my phone screen, reading the text over and over till it blurred.
Hassan: heyyy... wyd?
It was a simple text, but I had no idea how to reply. If this text was sent two days earlier, I'd have been giggling like an excited little girl who just got handed her first Barbie, now the excitement was mixed in with feelings of confusion and guilt. I wondered if I was doing the right thing, was I a hypocrite for scolding Zayd for flirting with Lucia while I was kinda sorta maybe doing the same thing with Hassan? Zayd had practically said I was deluding myself, but we were just texting really. There was no form of flirting whatsoever, the guy even enlightens me with Islamic dos and don'ts for crying out loud. Besides, he doesn't even feel the same way I do.
Maybe Zayd and Lucia started off with just texting too, I could remember times I caught Zayd typing away on his phone with a stupid smile on his face. The same stupid smile I had on whenever I got a text from Hassan.
"Ugh!", I closed the message and tossed my phone on the bed, I wasn't doing anything wrong so why was I feeling guilty? I hadn't even touched him! Though I'd admit, I'd always wondered if his dark waves felt as soft as they looked, and imagined running my fingers through them. Anyways, that wasn't the point.
Point was, at least one of us was resisting the urges.
I sank to the floor and lay on the soft rug in my room, maybe I should distance myself from him. I had been crushing on him for only a little over a week, it'd be easy to get over it. Besides, it wasn't like I was expecting anything from it, we were nothing more than friends and it was going to stay just that way. I just needed a little space from him and I'd get over it easily.
Right?
"Come on Zahra, don't be a wuss", I chastised myself, "it's not like you're avoiding him forever, it's just until you get over him so set your head straight, don't you dare lose focus when you see his gorgeous self in a maroon sweater, or in his volleyball jersey. Better still, don't go to the court until you're over him, Easton would love that at least. It's just a small crush, you can do this, besides, you have to set an example for your moron of a brother"
My phone buzzed with another message, cutting off my self pep talk. I grabbed it and opened the message.
Hassan: helloooooo, you there?
Hassan: so I was scrolling through Twitter, and I saw this quote. And I kinda thought of you.
The message was followed by a picture of a quote, I leaned forward and read it.
She's a rare soul, she has this infectious energy that makes you want to run next to her, she belongs to no one but herself. And to anyone that has yet to understand themselves, find the missing pieces in her presence.
"Dammit", I whispered as a wide grin spread across my face.
Moving on was going to be so damn hard.