I had to get another notebook and I'm almost at the end of it.
Looking at the date, It feels unreal that it's already been three weeks. Mostly. Today we'll be getting our results for whatever tests we were taking last week. I'm not excited.
My mind is too hazy. I feel more like a robot as each day goes by. This empty feeling in my head grows as time passes. My emotions have taken the reins of my daily life, and I can't control them. I wouldn't have noticed if I didn't have my notebooks, which started being used as diaries as well.
It's like I'm looking through another girl's letters to herself. The person who writes has a jumpier version of my handwriting and more vulgar speech. She's a stranger, I don't know.
But... something deep, deep inside of me claims I do know her. Something keeps telling me that I've locked her away.
But why is she coming out? What let her out of the prison I made?
I don't know why I'm asking such a silly question. I know what it was. It was this place, it's worse than the training homes. These people are evil.
"Lynx, are you paying attention?"
I look up and nod. I have to blink a few times to focus on who's in front of me. Jack. He tilts his head at me and asks, "Are you going to eat?"
I look down at my plate and nod again, "Yeah... um, Jack... where are we?"
He looks around at the green lush surrounding us, "Outside the academy. Do you want to go back inside?"
I shake my head and say, "No, this is fine. Why am I all wet?"
He smiles sheepishly and says, "You jumped in the pond back there for your tasks."
"Oh," I mumble as I watch him twist open our red bottles. What he said doesn't register until he sets a pill in my hand. "What! Why are you the only one here?! How long ago was that?!"
He blushes and says, "It was just half an hour ago. I'm the only one here because I was the only one you wanted to stay with."
"I-huh?" My face burns.
"You didn't want to get out, but when you did, you yelled at everyone to go away. Then you told me you needed to talk to me about the results," He says, pulling at his collar, "The whole academy was watching."
"Well, isn't this nice!" I mutter, popping the pill into my mouth and swallowing it down with a cup of apple juice Jack hands me. "Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't remember what I had in mind to talk about. I don't even remember getting the results. I didn't write anything down."
"I have the results. You gave me yours," he says, lifting two envelopes.
"Oh," I mumble, feeling my face burn again. It feels like I just woke up from a very long nap. He smiles and hands me mine, but I push his hand back, "No, you read it."
He looks down at it and nods, "Okay, but which one first?"
"You can pick. If you don't want to read yours aloud, then don't."
I close my notebook and try to concentrate as Jack rips open one of the envelopes. He clears his throat before beginning:
"'Dear Jackson Spencer, here are the results and latest testing. You have full power to tell or not tell anyone. We want to sort kids into pairs. They'll work together aside from their roommates unless they're grouped with one or more of their roommates, and each of their grades and decisions will impact the team'," he pauses and looks up at me. I nod at him to continue, so he does, "'The tests were to see how well you'd get along with your classmates and how well your final score would be. You'll be a color or a mix of colors. You've been sorted into group silver. You are number two, making you the second person to'- What?!"
He looks alarmed as his eyes jump through the words of the page. I let him finish before asking, "What's wrong?"
"I-this doesn't make any sense! I can't be the second one to make the decisions for the team. It says that the only person that I have to listen to is number one. If number one can't be there to make decisions, I have to do it. Like some second in command!" Jack says hysterically, his eyes darting through the words. I laugh and put my hand out for him to give it to me, which he does after scanning the page three more times
The first half of the page is the letter and the second has a grid. "It looks like you have to find the rest of Team Silver. Wow, Jack. Good job. I'm sure you'll do well. I would've loved to have you on my team."
"I am."
"Really? What number am I?"
"Five."
My smile drops as I pull my letter out of his hands. His dazed expression remains as he watches me. My heart races as I skim the letter. Sure enough, I'm number five.
"I'm in charge of our group points and announcing our leaders' decisions," I say, blinking back tears. I crumble the paper and throw it, making Jack ask, "What's wrong? Did you want a higher number?"
I clutch my fists, lean closer to his ear, and drop my tone to a deadly whisper, "Jack, I can't get away from it. From them. I was number five! I took speech and investment classes. Jack, they won't leave me alone."
"Uh-Lynx-w-who?" he stutters, his breath against my neck. I grit my teeth and say, "I can't say, Jack. They're torturing me! I don't know why they won't leave me alone."
He grabs my shoulders and gently pushes me away to say, "Lynx, you need to take a deep breath. Okay? Try to take a deep breath and calm down."
I nod and try to focus on my breathing, but pain erupts through my head. I drop forward into his arms and bbitemy lip to stop myself from crying.
×××
"What happened?" A doctor asks, lifting my chin. I shrug and mumble, "I don't remember."
I turn my attention to Jack, who sits in the white waiting chairs. He clears his throat and says, "You passed out after getting a nosebleed."
"My nose bled?" I ask, struggling to think straight. My hand goes to my nose, making the doctor chuckle and say, "It's not anymore Lynx. How are you feeling?"
"I... fine. I feel fine."
The doctor sighs and hands me a pill bottle, "Take these instead of the others. It should help with the headaches."
"I haven't been getting headaches," I say, turning to Jack. He lifts my notebook and nods. I roll my eyes and take the bottle. I look at the doctor's tag and ask, "Dr. Evans may Jack and I talk?"
She smiles and says, "Of course. I'll give you five minutes alone before coming to check on you again. Take those pills once a day at the same time every day, okay?"
I nod and she leaves.
"Why did you read it?" I ask Jack, narrowing my eyes so he knows my anger, And why did you take me here?"
"You told me to do both," he says defensively. "And why would you not want to get checked up? You don't remember the pain you felt!"
"I don't need you to try to protect me, Jack."
"Yes, you did. I'm sure you don't remember passing out on your way here. How long has it been? Do you know? Without looking at the time?"
That shuts me up.
He nods before saying, "It's been almost three hours."
"Wow. That's nice," I mumble, pulling my hair out of my face. He nods again and says, "I want you to know that if something like that happened again, I would take you here without a second thought. You can be angry at me or... stop talking to me but I was worried."
"Whatever. I can't stop you," I say, turning away from him to a mirror, "I look terrible."
"No, just sick."
"Hand me those scissors," I say, sliding down from the bed. He looks back and forth between my outstretched hand and the silver scissors that I know are for medical use. He awkwardly picks them up and hands them to me.
I spin to the mirror and bring the scissors to the hair at my shoulders and, before Jack can respond, cut. My hair drops to the ground and a smile grows on my lips. I don't pay attention to Jack's open mouth as I cut all the way around. It's uneven but it feels good to have it gone.
In the training homes, they wouldn't have let me do this.
"Lynx..." Jack says, his voice nearly inaudible. I turn to him and ask, "What's wrong? I can get it fixed."
"You... why did you do that?" He asks, a smile tugging at his lips.
"Too impulsive?"
We both laugh and it feels good. It feels very good to be happy about something so small, not about being the best.
But it doesn't last long. "Do you know who's number one to team silver?"
His smile drops as he says, "Adelaide."