TW: SelfH@rm
Charlie's POV
It's been almost two weeks since that night out with the Gang and things are going fairly well.
Well more than well, I guess.
I almost have a BOYFRIEND!
Ben and I have been talking nonstop since that night at the Volt. He is really nice and caring. He asks me about my day, sometimes walks me from our creative writing form to my study abroad elective. The past two form days, he's even held my hand until I got to the door of the classroom. He makes me laugh and is taller than me. I have always wanted to date someone taller than me.
I haven't really talked to anyone about him though... Not because I don't want it. This past Wednesday, Elle asked me about Ben. She saw us holding hands outside the door. When I started to talk about him, I felt Nick's demeanor change. I felt bad so I just said the generic, basic things someone crushing on someone would say and then I dropped it.
Nick and I haven't really been talking as much. He's been a little distant since that night. I do not owe it to him to tell him that information. I would say he is my best friend but at the same time he's not gay. I do not want to brother him with all the crush-y details of Ben and I. Like, also I do not really know exactly how I feel about Ben. It's been only two weeks.
"Charlie." I hear and I am broken out of my thoughts. I look up and it's Nick, looking at me with a hint of concern in his eyes.
"Hmm?" I ask. "You just spaced out there. Darcy asked if your family is coming for Family Weekend." I look at him before looking at Darcy. "Sorry. I just have some things on my mind. They are. My Mother, Dad and my sister with even leave her apartment to come."
"I didn't know you had a sister!" Tara remarks. "Yeah, she's a year older than me. Her name is Tori. She goes here, she just likes to keep to herself a lot. She studies English or something like that." This causes me to chuckle a little. Tori has always liked to keep to herself. Growing up she used to just sit in her dark room and watch tv or read. She doesn't really share emotions that much but she was always there to listen when I would need to vent about our Mother or school or-or the bullying at Truham.
"Well we would love to meet them. My parents are coming too. Maybe we can do a giant family dinner or something!" Elle says really enthusiastically.
"Elle, keep it down." The professor says and goes back to talking and writing on the white board.
"I will message the group to tell everyone the plan." Imogen whispers before grabbing her phone from her pocket. A few seconds later, I feel my phone vibrate. Then a minute passes before I feel my phone vibrate again. I look and see its Isaac and Tao:
Issac:
My parents will be getting here tonight. They are staying at a hotel. They are good for tomorrow but they wanted me to ask if you guys wanted to get dinner.
Tao:
My Mum is really excited to see you guys and your parents. I guess they were already planning for us to have group dinner with the three of us but... surprise lol AND YES PLEASE TO DINNER! Your parents just know the best places to eat.
I don't respond, just shove my phone back into my pocket. I am really glad Tao, Isaac and I made more friends. I love them. I have know them for so long but it's nice to not be the "Terrific Trio" Tao liked to call us.
The form ends and we all walk to the Chat for lunch. I am to anxious to eat so I just make a cup of tea. I kind of forgot about Parents Weekend. It's just been nice getting away from home, especially my Mother.
I don't really talk at lunch until Isaac asks if I wanted to head back to the apartment. I just nod my head and we take a slow walk back. I look at the clock and see it's only 13:30. I climb into bed and wrap my comforter tightly around me, closing my eyes with the comfort. Before I know it, I sleep the day away.
My phone rings and wakes me up. I see it's Tori.
Tori: You haven't been answering your phone. You okay?
Me: Yeah, I was just napping. What time is it?
Tori: Like 20:30. Mum and Dad have been trying to plan this weekend. I covered for you don't worry.
Me: Thanks. Anything I need to remember or whatever?
Tori: They heard about your dinner thing with your friends and their families. So we have to do that. I guess, uh, Elle? I think that's the right girl. Elle's Mum made a reservation at some restaurant downtown.
Me: Oh
Tori: Sounds like there is going to be like 30 people there.
I do not respond
Tori: Charlie?
Me: Yeah. It will be fine. When are they getting here?
Tori: 8:30. Mum wants to do the bowl making course.
Me: Ok. I will just check my messages in the morning about what else is planned.
Tori: Will your boyfriend be there?
I laugh before answering.
Me: No he's not and he's not my boyfriend. We just are talking. It's nothing serious.
Tori: Yet.
Me: Tori!
She laughs a little.
Me: I am going back to bed. Do you want to come to my apartment tomorrow morning? We can just leave from here.
Tori: Sure. I will see you in the morning. And Charlie...
Me: Yeah?
Tori: We will get through this together, okay?
Me: Thanks Tori. Goodnight.
Tori: Bye Charlie.
I put my phone back on the charger and tighten my grip on my comforter.
Tomorrow is just going to be so bad. My Mother is just going to yell at Tori and I. Just like on my move-in day...
She never thinks I am good enough. My grades are never enough. The guys I like are bad for me. I am always distracted.
I don't love her.
I don't love my Dad.
I just wanted to get away from her.
She told me I can't handle being so far away from home. Then when she is having a really bad day and wants to make herself feel better... she will tell me I am an awful person and the reason I don't have a boyfriend is because I only care about myself. I can never love someone because I am selfish. I am just seeking attention.
I think she is right...
I am an awful person.
My grades are crap.
Tao and Isaac only tolerate me. They needed a third person to just fill the apartment spot.
My new friends just pity me.
I am this disgusting, quiet nerd who just is tolerated by others.
Who would even like me? Ben? No. He just likes the idea of having a crush and I am so desperate that that's why he jumped at the idea of liking me. I am easy.
He's bisexual so he's just waiting for someone better to come along. He is so caring and nice... why would he like someone as gross as me.
I stand up and walk into my bathroom. I turn the lights on and look into the mirror, tears streaming down my face slowly.
See disgusting. You can't even keep it together. The smallest things get you upset and who wants to deal with that?
No one.
I grab my small zip pouch and pull out a small single blade. I look in the mirror and let the blade glide across my bicep. Lightly at first... until I look down at my scars. The faint but noticeable white lines from my other cuts. See who can love someone that does this to themselves?
I press the blade harder against my skin and close my eyes before dragging it across. I feel the warmth slide down from my bicep to my wrist and dripping slightly into the sink. I close my eyes and let out a small whimper. I cover my mouth my hand and slightly fall against the bathroom door. My knees give out and I slide down the door until I am sitting on the ground, the blade falls to the ground with a little metallic clink.
I pull my legs to my chest and press my face into my knees. My tears streaming faster and steadier down my face.
They all were right.
The Truham bullies.
My Mother.
Everyone.
How can anyone like me when I don't even like myself? I am so disgusting. I am not good enough. I will never be enough.
I continue to have these thoughts for a while until I can hear Isaac and Tao closing their bedroom doors.
I wait a few minutes before standing back up, grabbing my blade before stepping back to the sink. I wash the blade and put it back into the pouch. I clean my cuts and press a gauze bandage against them, causing me to flinch and suck air in through my teeth with the burning sensation. I clean the sink and the floor before leaving the bathroom and crawling back into bed.
I close my eyes, the last of my tears forcing their way from behind my eyelids. I wipe them quickly before checking the time. 22:17.
I place my phone back on the nightstand and close my eyes and try to fall asleep.