13th of November 2023🥀
"You can't stay in there forever you know," Dominique says,over the phone laid on the bed, put on speaker.
I roll my tired eyes, catching my dimpled smile through the mirror as I fix my dark blue tie and for some reason it's a struggle this morning.
Just like leaving my room will be a struggle.
"Dom Dom you just keep getting smarter and smarter. All this time I thought I could create a new world in my vandalized room."
He chuckles.
" Hey! You're the one who trashed your room and you know the famous saying: Another man's trash is the same man's trash and he must pick it up and stop littering."
This makes me laugh.
I knew that calling Dominique before I faced whatever I had to face out there was what I needed. He could laugh with me about all the things I wanted to cry about, making the solutions come out from silly jokes.
"Dom Dom, you wanna know a fun fact?"
"How fun is it? I'm expecting it to be fun, okay!" I hear him sigh deeply.
"I'm tired of people who say they have a fun fact and tell me some rubbish about how a frog pees six times a day!That is not fun okay! It's not fun!" he continues his rant, and I let him air it out, entirely amused.
It goes on longer than I expect it too because after his rant he starts fake crying over the phone. It gives me time to finally fix this stupid tie.I pull on the navy blue blazer next, settling onto my bed and picking my phone up.
"Are you done?" I ask him, smiling.
He fake sniffles. " Yeah I'm done. Now tell me this fun fact. It just might cheer me up from all the trauma I've lived through in my life when adults told me they had a fun fact."
"Dominique it's not a fun fact okay!"
Laughter touches my words," It's just a fact."
He sighs into the phone.
"This. This is why we're best friends- and the answer is yes. I will walk you down the aisle."
We laugh.
"So what's the fact?"
"I haven't slept a wink. "
"Are you exaggerating or like are you for real, for real?"
"Serious man. Mkhulu told me to clean my room and that's what I did. I couldn't sleep so I decided to clean."
My eyes go over the room that looks as Mkhulu asked it to be-spotless. There's broken pieces of the lamp and a few things I broke that couldn't be fixed in the bin and it makes me feel some type of way.
A new kind of shame.
"The small beginnings of a housewife," Dominique jokes.
"Shut up."
"But you did study, right ? We're doing Geography and that subject doesn't play games."
"I did. I just hope I don't fall asleep before I even write my name."
"You'll be fine. Dude, I gotta go, my mom's doing a room inspection and my room is not exactly in a good condition."
I laugh.
"You have no right to laugh. Mr. I trash my room for fun. Only rich kids do that.Tell me did you win the lottery or something?"
"Just drop the phone you little maniac."
We both drop the phone and I place mine by the bed stand. I relax back on my bed even though I'm ready for school and even the exam.
I'm just not ready for my mother?
The white ceiling stares back at me, hopeless just like me.
The fact is that last night after I got into my room, the first thing I looked for in the mess of my room were my headphones.
My headphones that were always there when I didn't really need them were now a struggle to find in the mini panic attack I seemed to be having.
When I finally found them underneath the bed, I could've screamed but instead I took out my phone, connected it to my headphones and blasted the music into my ears.
It didn't really matter what songs were playing at that moment, love songs, hate songs, songs about getting out of the hood-all that mattered was that I didn't want to hear her voice again.
I didn't want to hear her.
I didn't want to hear her say things I've always wanted to hear her say like I miss you or I love you and mean it.
I didn't want to hear her not say those things and not even be concerned or bothered that I wasn't coming out of my room.
I didn't want to know how big of a hug Mkhulu was giving her and all that stuff.
In that moment as the music blared through my ears, sitting in my self vandalized room -ignorance was bliss.
Ignorance was bliss because I wasn't going to let her hurt me again.
That's the thing about bad parents is that they don't just hurt you once or sometimes even in one way but instead...
Instead, it's like they cut open a wound in your heart and when you address it, the knife just goes deeper and deeper hurting in more ways than one.
So somehow as I grow, the hurts of that 13 year old boy who cried in his grandfather's arms as his mother left seemed to intensify and not to heal.
Later on in the night, I ate the food in the lunchbox Mkhulu said I should take. They were delicious sandwiches with all my favourite ingredients.
It was fresh lettuce, sliced cheese and tomato with my favourite tartar sauce and fried patty bringing everything together.
I cried softly, the salty tears mixing with the sandwich because Mkhulu made this especially for me and I still couldn't forgive myself...
You don't do that to the people you love
Dominique's words from yesterday condemned me to the point I cried so hard I couldn't swallow the sandwiches any more.
But I ate them through the tears because he made them for me.
I was so angry at my anger. It made me hurt the ones I loved and I wondered if I would ever hurt Olivia.
If so I wanted her nowhere near me.
I also wondered how I couldn't exactly yell at my mother. I couldn't express my anger to her.
I mean , yes I could be cheeky and all that stuff but everytime she called these past few months I had done myself wrong by acting like everything was okay. I talked to her like when she hung I wouldn't start thrashing my room or something.
It had boggled my mind so much that I needed my third best friend's help.
Google: It's been long Leonardo. How may I assist you?
Me: Google why do I show my anger to the people I love the most? I need help. I'm a mess.
Google: That's because in love there is comfort. Comfort of all forms meaning you're comfortable to show all your emotions, all of who you are. The good, the bad and the ugly.
And anger is pain and you're bound to show your pain to the people you love-not people who would otherwise be unbothered.
Me: So I should just go on living knowing that I will take out my anger on the ones I love??
Google: No brochacho, you have to control your anger because you love those people.
Click here to check the definition of control.
Google: On a very related note there's anger management therapy for just R350 000 per hour. I know it's cheap! And anyway you can't put a price on your mental health.
Me: How can I pay for that if you still haven't answered the question I asked you years ago.
Google: Which one?
Me: How can teenagers in South Africa make fast money online???
Google: Bro, I got you! Here are 656 links.... Although half of them are scams and the other half are nothing related to what you have searched.
Me: Google we're straying off topic. How do you always make me stray off topic?
How can I express my anger (in a healthy way) to someone I feel uncomfortable sharing my feelings with.
Google: According to your recent search on the internet about Hating your mother-I know you're talking about your mother.
Me: Whatever...
Google: Anyway, there are many ways to express your anger which is actually your pain like...
1. Writing a letter.
2.Speaking to an adult so they can be a mediator.
3.Phycology trick- if they say something that hurts you in the heat of the moment -remember it and then the next morning say it back to them with no context and it will surely get your message through.
4. Take them to therapy with you which will be R350 000 per hour, times two. I know it just keeps getting cheaper and cheaper!
Me: That's enough Google. Is all you want from me, money? Just answer this question. How can I get rid of my anger for free?
Google: Error......
Google: Just joking my friend.
Google: 1.Take a one year getaway to the forests with no electricity or any technology, including me and that will greatly increase your anger.
2.Be hypnotized. Ps they may or may not be side effects.
3. Watch Anger management the movie. It doesn't help but it's funny.
Me: I said free!!
Google: ...God.
Me: (sighs) You know what Google?
Google: I know everything.
Me: I should have known that better than you did.
❄️❄️❄️
When I step into the kitchen the soft chatter between my mother and grandfather who sit on black stools by the counter with mugs in their hands comes to a halt.
Specifically Mkhulu whose dark eyes hold mine with unease at what I'll do next.
My eyes flicker to the unfamiliar sight of my mother in this kitchen. In this house.
My chest tightens, locking up that painful longing in my heart for her.
I have to remind myself that she lost her job and that's the only reason she's here.
Her brown eyes hold mine, welling up with tears. The silence is hard to break.
She's in a blue gown. Her afro is pulled into a neat bun making her soft brown eyes pop, her mouth is agape and she clutches the mug she holds tighter.
"Good morning Mkhulu," I finally croak out, walking towards the fridge and pulling out an apple.
"Morning Leonardo...Don't you see anyone else here?" his dark eyes warn me.
I close the fridge looking straight at him.
"No. I don't see any one of importance besides you here."
Mkhulu frowns and I can imagine the look on my mother's face. I decide not to look at her.
"I've got to go to school now."
"You'll go to school after you eat breakfast."
"I'm not hungry."
"Well then make yourself hungry " he retorts, jaw taut, " unless you want to pass out before you even write your name on that exam."
"Fine."
I take a seat furthest away from my mother as Mkhulu dishes the spaghetti and meatballs on my plate.
Her eyes practically burn holes through my skin, frustrating me so much that I tighten my hand on my knee.
I keep my face trained on my plate, eating silently when Mkhulu's done.
" It's been raining a lot lately," My mother says, starting small talk.
Who cares about the weather?
In this house we don't talk about the weather. It doesn't matter if it's raining coal outside or rats.
We don't care about the weather.
"It has." Mkhulu simply replies, and I can tell by his tone that he's also not the least bit interested.
"I've got to get a strong umbrella," she continues, " a good one. The one that doesn't blow away in the wind. I've had that happen to me a few times. How embarrassing. "
She chuckles.
Now we're talking about umbrellas.
"What's embarrassing is this conversation," I mutter.
"Watch yourself Leonardo," Mkhulu scolds.
The silence settles over us again,more tense.
" It's okay Dad, just give him some time to get used to me. I mean, I just arrived he must-"
"I don't need you to defend me." I cut her off.
"Thank you for the food Mkhulu but I've got to get to school now. I can't be late.Some of us can't just leave our responsibilities whenever we feel like it."
❄️❄️❄️
Olivia and I talk and laugh with each other as we both walk home.
My chest feels lighter and the butterflies in my stomach feel like they'll stay here forever and not fly away the moment she leaves.
She laughs at something silly I just said, her brown eyes crinkling into crescent moons and I want to tell her that she's my sweet escape.
It's wonderful how she doesn't even know what's going on right now in my life but she's an immense help in easing the pain. In bringing joy into the little cracks in my heart.
She makes me feel like I'm dreaming with my eyes wide open.
I know this little daydream is coming to an end when we reach the part of the street where we both have to part ways.
She looks at me and smiles.
"Can't wait till it be morrow Romeo," she jokes in a funny accent, making me chuckle.
"As will I Juliet" I continue,the same accent.
" In fact I'll be counting every star in the sky till the sun rises and maybe then you'll know the depth of my love."
She laughs a snort escaping her mouth.
I pull her into a hug and her arms encircle around my neck pulling me impossibly closer. I relish in this moment of safety and everburning happiness.
My bones feel like they could melt in her arms and when she pulls away our we're closer than before in more ways than one.
" Question 12?"
"Oh right." I remember, snapping out of my daze.
"If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?"
Olivia bites her pink lips in thought, her eyes light up a moment later.
" I'd want to wake up tomorrow as someone who never gives up... I'm a person who gives up easily when things get hard ,you can bet your money that Olivia's throwing in the towel and that's what I struggle with. I'd love to have that quality.I'm sure it would change my life."
"So like perseverance?"
"Yeah."
"Well from what I've learned the past few days is that you're stronger than I thought so you'll surely get this quality too."
"Thank you." she breathes,her face aglow with joy.
" I'd like to have umm..." my mind goes blank and my stomach drops.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Olivia notices my hesitation but doesn't say anything. She gives me time.
I try to think of the answer. If I could wake up with one quality or ability tomorrow what would it be?
I wrack my brain and when the answer settles over my heart,my eyes water but I quickly blink them back.
There's no way I'm crying in front of a girl two times!
I clear my throat, trying to get a hold of my emotions.
The answer is as clear as day to me.
It would 101% be to learn how to control my anger so I didn't have to hurt the people I loved.
I still felt so much shame at how things went down with Mkhulu a few days ago. He doesn't deserve that.
There's no way I can make it up to him.
"I'd totally want to wake up tomorrow with the ability to fly. I mean imagine that. The coolest thing in the world."
Olivia agrees, nodding to my answer.
"That would be gold!" Olivia adds, a gleam in her eyes.
"Yeah," I smile, my stomach dropping.
I know it's wrong that I'm not going to tell Olivia the truth. I mean, I'm the one who started this whole 36 Questions thing and now I'm lying to her knowing full well that if she lied about her answers I wouldn't be happy.
She smiles at me and suddenly I feel like I don't deserve such a beautiful smile shown to me. I feel deep shame melding with the burning anger already within me.
And I know that even now I can change my answer and tell her the truth but I can't...
I just can't.
And anyway the answer I gave her isn't a complete lie. It would be cool to wake up tomorrow and know how to fly but it isn't a deep truth either.
The truth is that I don't want Olivia to have to know my anger hurts the people I love because I don't want her to fear me in any way.
I just have to get rid of this shameful anger so the people I love don't get hurt anymore.
★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★
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12.If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
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Thank you for reading my story you special soul. It means a lot.❤️