tw: descriptions of anxiety and panic attacks
josephine lee
Dad, Theo, and I are flying to Florida for the All-Star Weekend in an hour. Dad begged us to be on the plane at least 30 minutes before take-off which is why I'm currently stressing to get my Uber at my house. "Come on, come on, come on." I plead, tracking his car as he turns down a street closer to my house.
I wheel my luggage out past the gate closing my house off and wait outside by the curb. "Josie? Oh good Josie!" An incredibly familiar voice says, along with the sound of a car door slamming. I turn my head over my shoulder and see my ex-boyfriend running over to me. His curly hair is messed up, his eyes look tired, and it looks like he hasn't shaved in a few weeks.
"Brendan, I'm kind of in a hurry." I say, wishing for my Uber to appear out of thin air. He holds his hands out, almost like he's expecting me to run into them. "I'll be fast then." He promises, looking down at my suitcase and airplane outfit. "Are you running off with him? With the hockey guy? Whatever the fuck his name is, are you seriously leaving with him?" He yells at me, holding onto my arm tightly.
I fight his grip as his nails dig into my bicep while checking the location of my Uber. "I am not running away with him. Are you serious? Let go of me!" I yell back, wanting to no longer feel his hand on me. If anything his grip tightens, but fortunately my Uber pulls right in front of me. The man gets out of the driver's seat and yells something at Brendan.
Due to the pounding of my heart, I can't hear a thing they say to one another. All I know is that when I no longer feel Brendan's nails digging into me I put my suitcase in the trunk of the car and hop into the backseat. "This isn't over." My ex-boyfriend points a finger at me before storming off. I put my seatbelt on just wanting to get as away from him as far as I possibly can.
My driver gets back in his seat and asks me a few times if I'm okay. "Yes, yes, I'm fine. Let's just leave." I say, jerking my chin up at the road in front of us. He nods his head with a sorry look in his eye and makes the fifteen-minute drive to my private plane.
When we get closer to where he'll be dropping me off I grab a few twenty-dollar bills and hand them to him as a thank you for stepping out of the car and helping me. He takes the money, looking like he truly appreciates it. I get out of the car with my suitcase and load it onto the plane. "Dad? Theo?" I call out, looking for them.
"Dad is late." Theo says, slouching in one of the chairs. Pretty amusing that the guy begging us to be on time is late. I laugh and sit right in front of my brother, mimicking how he's sitting in his chair. "So are you and Jack going to pretend you don't know each other this weekend?" Theo asks, wanting to be in the loop about whatever is going on.
It's too confusing to put into actual words or a title. "Most likely since I'm pretty sure his friends and Dad don't know, and we want to keep whatever is going on under wraps until we can figure out what's going on." I explain to him, wanting him to understand what's going on.
"Right, "we want to keep things under wraps," are you sure that's not just you?" Theo snaps at me a bit. Once he starts he doesn't stop lecturing me about how I need to figure out my own feelings before I drag Jack deeper into it. I sit in my seat, stunned over how Theo spoke to me. I simply nod to silently tell him that I understand and don't think to open my mouth again for the rest of the flight.
I pop my fingers, picking at my cuticles until my thumb starts bleeding a bit. "You guys ready for this weekend?" Dad says with excitement lacing his voice. I get up to hug him and feel his lips on the side of my head. Theo gets up to do the same while he tells our Dad just how excited he is to spend this weekend with us.
I'm not quite sure what got into Theo this morning, but I don't blame him. I have been pretty awful and confusing about how I feel. I do need to be clear with Jack so he doesn't get hurt. I like him, but sometimes my anxiety and fear of never being enough get in the way of me and my love life.
Dad talks about everything he has planned this weekend while I start dozing off, wanting to escape any awkward tension between Theo and me. I pull my blanket over my shoulders and lay my head at an angle that I'll regret once I wake up.
And I do. I feel the strain in my neck when I wake up due to the plane landing. Landing always scared me a little more than taking off, I'm not sure why but I keep it under control. I don't look out the window and focus on taking deep breaths without alarming anyone.
Once we're off the plane I feel much better, and I put my hoodie and sunglasses on as I catch a few paparazzi trying to capture a photo of the Lee family stepping off the plane. I keep my head down, following my Dad's footsteps as we pile into a large black SUV, ready to take us to our hotel.
When we get there we focus more on getting our keys and getting up to our room than our luggage. The last thing I want is for more fans outside of the ones who love hockey to swarm around the hotel. I settle into my hotel room waiting for a knock on my door, letting me know my suitcase is outside.
I haul my bags inside and open them up looking for an outfit for a nice and quiet family dinner before all the craziness this weekend will bring. I lay out my clothes on my bed and start taking off my sweats and sweater. Before putting on my new top I get closer to the mirror and examine the harsh indents on my skin.
That's easy to blame on myself. No worries. I tell myself, feeling my heart thump as I press my hand against my chest. I take deep breaths, in through my nose out through my mouth. I put my shirt on, refusing to look at the marks more than I need to.
I take the elevator to the lobby and see Dad and Theo waiting for me in the seating area. "Aren't you the cutest guys ever?" I smile at them as they get up from their chairs. We walk towards the restaurant we're going to quietly since Theo and I haven't made up just yet. Dad opens the door for us and gets us a table in the back.
We order our food and start talking more about the All-Star game. "I'm pretty excited to watch the first pick overall from," He thinks for a bit before figuring it out, "Oh 2019. What was that kid's name again?" He tries to remember, but Dad is the worst with names. I let him try and figure it out but Theo comes to the rescue and says, "Jack Hughes?"
My head whips over to him, completely forgetting Jack was the first pick overall that year. I kind of stopped keeping track of the guys after 2017—the year of Nico Hischier. Dad gushes over Jack Hughes and his skill, making me heat up, and nervously itch my arms and neck. I try switching the topic to a different player. "Shame Dawson Mercer, couldn't be here. That guy is on fire." I say, making Dad wave a finger at me in agreeance.
But somehow the topic kept going back to Jack.
Thanks to Theo.
After dinner we all head to our separate rooms, wishing each other a good night. Once Theo and I step into the elevator I smack his arm hard. "Ow!" He hisses, turning towards me with furrowed brows that match mine. "What is up with you today?" I ask as he scoffs. "Me? It's you! It's not my fault little Miss. Josephine Beth has a crush on Mr. '2019 First Pick Overall' but can't admit it." He shouts.
The elevator dings and we step out ready to get away from one another. When I run out I bump into a body slightly taller than mine. "Ahh, speak of the devil. Literally." Theo smirks, putting a hand on my shoulder as he gets closer to Jack. "Night Josie. Good to see you, Jack, our Dad is really looking forward to meeting you." He pats my shoulder and walks away to his hotel room.
Jack tries assessing what just happened in the hallway in the past minute. "Hi," he says with that gorgeous, cartwheels-in-my-stomach type of smile. "Hey," I say shortly since I'm fuming over how Theo was acting today. I try walking past Jack and to my room but he holds my hip keeping me in place. He blows a soft laugh through his nose and brings his hand to the side of my head. I pull away from it instantly, because of how on fire I feel.
My body burns hot with anger, anxiety, and my fear of losing control. Jack tilts his head to the side before saying, "What's going on Josie girl?" He says calmly, reminding me of how fucking different we are. My heart continues to pound in my chest, making it impossible for me to breathe. "Nothing, Theo's just being a prick." I say, still not able to look him in the eyes.
"Come on, I'll walk you to your room." He says softly, extending his hand to me. I take his hand, intertwining our fingers as I lead the way to room 1111. Just holding his hand feels so safe to me, my heart slows down, and I feel more at ease. I unlock my door, allowing him to step inside before I walk in and close it. "Alright, talk to me." He whispers with my eyes still glued to the ground.
Jack's knuckle rests below my chin, lifting my head while his thumb caresses my bottom lip. I take a deep breath and tell him everything that happened during dinner up to the point where we bumped into him. Jack maintains eye contact with me, nodding every time I bring up something else, letting me know he's with me. From when I bumped into him in the hallway and now I'm much closer to him.
"I understand, okay? I know you're not ashamed, I'm not ashamed either. I know things are just tricky right now." He says, raising his hand to hold the side of my face again. This time I allow him to. His thumb rubs circles into my cheek as I take another deep breath in and out. Jack's eyes soften even more at my attempt to calm myself down.
We still have some space between us but when he says, "Come here, babe." I take the full step into his arms. My heart flutters at the pet name, but I try not to dwell on it as my arms go over his shoulders and his around my waist. I stay like that in his arms for as long as I can, because of how safe it feels.
I feel like nothing could hurt me while I'm here. He rubs his hands down my back soothingly and it boggles my mind that I've been missing out of this. The simple but ever-so-spectacular act of a hug. We pull away from one another, keeping our arms around each other.
"My friends are going to be here, just fyi." He tells me, squeezing my hips softly. I hum softly, closing the space between us one more time just to soak in the secure feeling a hug from him brings me. "I can't wait to meet them, someday." I mumble next to his ear. This time he pulls back from our hug and asks, "Can I have a kiss?" so softly, like the question were made of glass.
I know he's trying his best to not burst the bubble we're in. I lean in, cupping his cheek with one of the hands that was holding onto his shoulders, and press my lips against his. I try keeping it light but he turns it into something deeper when he tightens his grip on my hips and flicks his tongue against my parted lips to make its way inside.
I don't stop him of course, taking him in when out of nowhere he gets a call. I assume he'll ignore it but instead, he stops kissing me to answer his phone. "Hey Baby." Jack says into the phone, causing me to furrow my brows, but he smooths the wrinkle out with his thumb while he chuckles into the phone. A very loud boy yells into the phone, "Rowdy, where the fuck are you?" He giggles into the phone, probably drunk right now.
Jack smiles into his phone, assuring the boy he'll be there soon. "Z, I'll be out in a minute, see you soon." He hangs up, tucking his phone in his back pocket. A tinge of awkwardness swarms around us as Jack stays in place even though I know he has to go. "Alright J, I gotta go." He scrunches his nose.
I nod in understanding, thanking him for helping me calm down when I was pissed off at Theo. He chuckles, pulling me into another hug. If I had to guess I'd think this was our final hug for the night. "Anytime," he says, sealing our hug with a pat on my butt. I shake my head and walk him out, pressing one chaste kiss to his cheek before he's out of my room.
I close the door behind me feeling a mix of contradicting emotions. Some of those emotions could stay if they wanted to but the others make me feel sick to my stomach. My heart is on a high over how I left things with Jack, congratulating me over how I let go just a little bit. My brain however is screaming at me over and over again.
When did I turn so soft for him? God! I kissed him on the cheek and let him calm me down when I was angry. First off, no man has ever been able to calm me down when I'm angry. They usually have to let me be a bitch in solitude and come back later when it's safe. But Jack did it in a few minutes.
What is he doing to me? I rub my hands over my face, surely ruining my makeup from tonight. I want to enjoy my time with him but how can I when by the second I am losing more and more control? When I feel like I have no control over my own life I start feeling panicky. My hands reach for my neck when I start to feel like I lost control over how to breathe properly.
My breathing quickens every second that I cannot manage how to take slow and deep breaths like I have been all day. I fall to the ground and press up against a wall, pulling my knees to my chest. Tears begin to flow down my cheeks, leaving a trail of mascara from my eyes to my neck. I pull my top off, feeling like it's caging me in. My pants come off next, making me feel trapped.
I cannot move and I need to be free from anything making me feel imprisoned. The more I act like a rabid animal the more my brain screams out the fact that if Jack saw me like this version of me he'd lose all interest. Sure that's kind of what I've been secretly asking for since I do not see myself to be worthy of his time and affection but I don't want to go without it anymore. I enjoy every glance and soft touch.
How can I fix this nasty part of my brain? How can I fix it for him, so I can be the girl he deserves to be with? I want to be the perfect girl I said he deserved. But I think perfect is way beyond my reach.
I'm not sure what else I can do until my panic attack has run its course. I stay laid out on the ground for a few minutes, wanting to regain some strength to get up. My breathing comes out shaky and heavy as I push myself up off the floor, holding onto the doorknob to stand up. I count in my head in hopes that it'll help turn my attention to something else and it works.
"One, two, three, four," I count my steps out loud as I walk to the restroom where I get my first glimpse of myself after my panic attack. Practically naked with a tear-stained face, I look down at the sink, watching my shaky hands pump some face wash onto my hands to get rid of what's left of my makeup.
The cool water splashing against my face calms me down even more than the counting and once the face wash has done its job I turn the water off and pat dry my face with a towel. I brush my hair from the matted mess I turned it into and look for some pajamas to wear for the night.
I hop into bed, flipping through a few channels to find some cartoons. I pull the cold comforter over my body, hoping it'll protect me just like the hug I got from Jack. Panic attacks are incredibly draining so I'll probably stay in tomorrow just to recover. I hope Dad will understand.
Scratch that, he will.
I lay in bed watching old Noggin cartoons like Little Bear, Franklin, Maggie and the Ferocious Beast, and Oswald. After a panic attack, I always try to do something to heal my inner child because it helps remind me of a simpler time. A time when I wasn't worried about who thought what and how to fix certain parts of myself.
I stop trying to think so much because every time I do I miss out on my favorite cartoons and rile myself up. I try my hardest to close my eyes and fall asleep but trying to make sure I'm breathing deeply stressing me out of sleep. I start to think that this night will become a sleepless one.
But then during another episode of Oswald, I finally feel my eyes grow tired and I no longer worry over how I'm breathing. I fall into a peaceful sleep, wishing that my dreams are kinder to me than the reality I'm living.
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a.n// hello my gorgeous angels! ALL-STAR WEEKEND! WOO! WOO! When I first wrote this I remembered feeling so excited about an event like this because I had planned to add something that I dreamed of. Also so sorry for adding B-dan in like that...
The next chapter is more fun, and I am over the moon excited to add in MORE details, MORE hints to what's coming up, and sweeter moments with my favs. ALSO JOSIE IS LETTING LOOSE! She's going softer for Jack and I'm obsessed with them.
UGH I WISH I WOULD'VE WRITTEN GLITCH THE WAY I AM NOW BUT I DIDN'T KNOW! </3 I cringe when rr glitch because Lottie had no clue what she was doing and I know you guys like it but I hope you grow to like this version just as much!
Anyways I love you forever!
Stay safe, stay kind, and DM me if you need anything!
Love Lottie💐💐💐