Dear diary, - didn't even know PMDD was a thing. disclaimer: (talking about keto diet so don't read if u have an eating disorder)
I hate having my period. I can't stand the mood swings. I was in a shit mood yesterday evening. I told iehab and she was like yeh she feels really agitated as well with everything. I thought I'd have started my period today but my mood was even worse today and I ate an entire house and more, and have cried more than whatever storm the uk is having right now. I'm crying as I'm typing this. Why am I crying? I couldn't even tell you. I always get like this a day before my period, but lately it's been amplified and I hate it. I hate feeling this low.
I don't care about the chocolate and eating whatever I want cos in all honesty I need it and deserve it. But the mood swings and the crying is testing me. I end up feeling so overwhelmed and question everything in my life and question if anything is even worth it. I wanna sleep next to my mum tonight. My eyes are gonna be so puffy tomorrow I can't tell you how much I've cried on and off.
I'm sat on my prayer mat right now. I haven't prayed in a long time unfortunately:/ but I decided to pray to feel a little calm and talk to God for a moment.
Whenever I feel like this I try and isolate myself cos I don't wanna be mean to anyone and in all honesty, I don't even wanna talk to anyone, I just wanna be alone. I can't help it , it's my period. But it makes me be in a bad mood a few days before it. I told my mum the other night that I'm gonna start soon, so she is prepared lol.
But I'm genuinely frustrated with the mood swings.
I wanna go to sleep so the day is over.
Wallah no one knows how much I'm tolerating, how much is on my mind, if you knew the amount of cancer leaflets I have in my room right now and my mum came across one of them. She made a comment about my eating today and cancer.
I actually hope I start my period during the night so I'm not so sad tomorrow cos I feel miserable. I feel like I've forgotten what happiness feels like. Genuinely my period makes me feel depressed. Not always but fucking hell it's doing a mad one with my hormones tonight
its the next day (Monday 6th) and I haven't started yet and still feel SO LOW. ive been crying SO MUCH. its like I can feel all the hormonal imbalance in my body right now. its such a self deprecating feeling. Ive never had mood swings and sadness like this before my period. I have never wanted my period to start more than now, and I genuinely considered going on the pill or some sort of control so I don't have to deal with this every month. I can't even control it I wish I could. do you think I wanna be sad and crying constantly? its draining. no one wants to be sad. I was talking to my uni friends today, im quite close to one of them and told me about PMDD and I was like what? she told me about it and told me she thinks she has it and I looked it up and I was like omg? I genuinely have never felt so low, over period hormones. I hope it goes away like its not for every single month, cos yeh I get mood swings but tonight, ive literally come home from uni and stayed in my room. I was home alone when I came home, and I felt happy for like a minute cos I put on my fave song, but then I felt sad again.
I wanna sleep in my mums bed tonight, when I feel this sad I just want my mum. Iehab called me this morning and I told her I didn't wanna talk about me but ill happily listen to her cos I cba to socialise.
A was telling me about this keto diet, I know what it is cos I tried it years ago. I was actually a little shocked A would accept that. of all diets as well, keto?! that's so strict. I don't think a child or a teen should be introduced to any type of diet until they're old enough to realise how bad a diet actually is. take it from me, a teen whose parents took to the gp cos I thought I was fat when I was so skinny and developed an eating disorder for a few years (thankfully I got over it but it took a lot of reconditioning of my brain), all because of diets, calories, and body image. the amount of people that get eating disorders and body image issues and a bad relationship with food during high school is insane! even the guys I was friends with thought about it to some extent.
introducing such a restricting diet to a child is insane! carbs are meant to fill you up! there's no such thing as good food or bad food. chocolate? pizza? jacket potatoes? they're all fine to eat. anything is fine to eat, just in moderation. I understand you want your child to be healthy, but anyone, and I mean ANYONE can lose weight HEALTHILY. diets? not healthy.
the secret to losing weight? burning more calories than you eat. all you need to do is eat a BALANCED diet, everything in moderation, and to exercise. that's it! even eating excess fruit or veg isn't good. just moderate everything. take it from me, I even tried a fricking WATER DIET when I was a teen. so yeah. I know girl teens are different to boy teens but there's no difference really.
moderation is key.
my parents never told us we needed to diet. in fact, whenever I wanted to diet, they'd tell me the opposite. they encouraged a lot of exercise tho. they gave us everything, takeaways, chocolate, whatever have you, but they were really good to make sure we ate everything in moderation. and we always ate healthy, always had fruit and veg, always had more than our 5 a day, and tbf we were very active, we did gymnastics, Taekwondo, after school, back to back, and id do swimming and football. I remember the only thing we cut down on was drinking fizzy drinks and squash.
we barely ate any take out, and I remember we were only allowed 2-3 biscuits which I genuinely think is fine, that's what a child should have tbh. to this day, I only eat like 2 biscuits with my hot chocolate or whatever lol.
anyways, im not his mum but i care for him, they're his parents, and honestly I understand they want him to lose weight for his own benefit, but its the worse thing ever. diets only lead to a bad relationship with food, it leads to excessive binging after because you've restricted yourself from eating anything, and I think its only short term. AND, you need the nutrition! they won't even let him have milk?! he's literally growing up! these are crucial years for him. he needs to develop. his bones need calcium!
I hope they change their minds. im surprised as a mum, she's done that. she's female, she's a woman, she knows the effects of a diet as well. she also must know that a diet isn't really filling, and its extremely restrictive and obsessive. you cannot be living your life like that. its harmful.
at the end of the day its their choice, but its not something I was expecting.
anyways, ive cried some more lol , my eyes are gonna be puffy tomorrow, both my parents have gone out again, im in my mums bed tonight now, home alone and I just wanna sleep.
A said on call that we all deal with things differently when I told him how much I've been crying cos of my hormones so I'm glad he acknowledged it instead of just saying I'm emosh cos it's true we do deal with things differently