| your midas touch on the chevy door |
—Camilla only woke when the yelling started.
"Ahhhggggggh!"
She leaped to his feet. She wasn't sure what was more jarring—the full sunlight that now bathed the room, or the screaming satyr.
"Coach is awake," Leo said, which was kind of unnecessary. Gleeson Hedge was capering around on his furry hindquarters, swinging his club and yelling, "Die!" as he smashed the tea set, whacked the sofas, and charged at the throne.
"Coach!" Jason yelled.
Hedge turned, breathing hard. His eyes were so wild, Camilla was afraid he might attack. The satyr was still wearing his orange polo shirt and his coach's whistle, but his horns were clearly visible above his curly hair, and his beefy hindquarters were definitely all goat. Could you call a goat beefy? Camilla put the thought aside.
It was hard to imagine the coach as a coach now that Camilla had seen him try and take on storm spirits. The old coach, no matter how violent, had saved her life twice.
"You're the new kid," Hedge said, lowering his club. "Jason." He looked at Leo, then Camilla and Piper, who'd apparently also just woken up. her hair looked like it had become a nest for a friendly hamster. It was actually kind of cute.
"Valdez, Romani, McLean," the coach said. "What's going on? We were at the Grand Canyon. The anemoi thuellai were attacking and—" He zeroed in on the storm spirit cage, and his eyes went back to DEFCON 1. "Die!"
"Whoa, Coach!" Leo stepped in his path, which was pretty brave, even though Hedge was six inches shorter. "It's okay. They're locked up. We just sprang you from the other cage."
"Cage? Cage? What's going on? Just because I'm a satyr doesn't mean I can't have you doing plank push-ups, Valdez!"
Camilla cleared her throat. "Coach—Gleeson—um, whatever you want us to call you. You saved us at the Grand Canyon. You were totally brave."
"Of course I was!"
"The extraction team came and took us to Camp Half-Blood. We thought we'd lost you. Then we got word the storm spirits had taken you back to their—um, operator, Medea."
"That witch! Wait—that's impossible. She's mortal. She's dead."
"Yeah, well," Leo said, "somehow she got not dead anymore."
Hedge nodded, his eyes narrowing. "So! You were sent on a dangerous quest to rescue me. Excellent!"
"Um." Piper got to her feet, holding out her hands so Coach Hedge wouldn't attack her. "Actually, Glee—can I still call you Coach Hedge? Gleeson seems wrong. We're on a quest for something else. We kind of found you by accident."
"Oh." The coach's spirits seemed to deflate, but only for a second. Then his eyes lit up again. "But there are no accidents! Not on quests. This was meant to happen! So, this is the witch's lair, eh? Why is everything gold?"
"Gold?" Jason looked around. Camilla looked around and caught her breath, wondering how she hadn't noticed it yet.
The room was full of gold—the statues, the tea set Hedge had smashed, the chair that was definitely a throne. Even the curtains—which seemed to have opened by themselves at daybreak—appeared to be woven of gold fiber.
"Nice," Leo said. "No wonder they got so much security."
"This isn't—" Piper stammered. "This isn't Medea's place, Coach. It's some rich person's mansion in Omaha. We got away from Medea and crash-landed here."
"It's destiny, cupcakes!" Hedge insisted. "I'm meant to protect you. What's the quest?"
Before Camilla could decide if she wanted to explain or just shove Coach Hedge back into his cage, a door opened at the far end of the room.
A pudgy man in a white bathrobe stepped out with a golden toothbrush in his mouth. He had a white beard and one of those long, old-fashioned sleeping caps pressed down over his white hair. He froze when he saw them, and the toothbrush fell out of his mouth.
He glanced into the room behind him and called, "Son? Lit, come out here, please. There are strange people in the throne room."
Coach Hedge did the obvious thing. He raised his club and shouted, "Die!"
—It took all four of them to hold back the satyr. "Whoa, Coach!" Jason said. "Bring it down a few notches."
A younger man charged into the room. Camilla guessed he must be Lit, the old guy's son. He was dressed in pajama pants with a sleeveless T-shirt that said cornhuskers, and he held a sword that looked like it could husk a lot of things besides corn. His ripped arms were covered in scars, and his face, framed by curly dark hair was handsome with scars running all over his skin.
Lit immediately zeroed in on Jason like he was the biggest threat, and stalked toward him, swinging his sword overhead.
"Hold on!" Piper stepped forward, trying for her best calming voice. "This is just a misunderstanding! Everything's fine."
Lit stopped in his tracks, but he still looked wary. It didn't help that Hedge was screaming, "I'll get them! Don't worry!"
"Coach," Jason pleaded, "they may be friendly. Besides, we're trespassing in their house."
Camilla quite liked the chaos. This goat version of the PE Coach was much more fun than the one making them climb ropes and run miles in torture worthy temperatures.
"Thank you!" said the old man in the bathrobe. "Now, who are you, and why are you here?"
"Let's all put our weapons down," Piper said. "Coach, you first."
Hedge clenched his jaw. "Just one thwack?"
"Oh I like how he thinks" Camilla grinned.
Piper glared at her and Coach with such intensity, Camilla held up her hands apologetically.
"No," Piper said.
"What about a compromise? I'll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I'll apologize."
"No!" Piper insisted.
"Meh." Coach Hedge lowered his club.
Piper gave Lit a friendly sorry-about-that smile. Even with her hair messed up and wearing two-day-old clothes, she looked extremely good looking in a way Camilla never managed.
Jealousy. She reminded herself. Jealousy, that's what it was. That's what she'd been feeling last night.
Lit huffed and sheathed his sword. "You speak well, girl—fortunately for your friends, or I would've run them through."
"Appreciate it," Leo said. "I try not to get run through before lunchtime."
The old man in the bathrobe sighed, kicking the teapot that Coach Hedge had smashed. "Well, since you're here. Please, sit down."
Lit frowned. "Your Majesty—"
"No, no, it's fine, Lit," the old man said. "New land, new customs. They may sit in my presence. After all, they've seen me in my nightclothes. No sense observing formalities." He did his best to smile, though it looked a little forced. "Welcome to my humble home. I am King Midas."
"Midas? Impossible," said Coach Hedge. "He died."
"As we've already established, dead people are alive again, Coach" Camilla raised her eyebrows at the satyr.
They were sitting on the sofas now, while the king reclined on his throne. Tricky to do that in a bathrobe, and Camilla kept worrying the old guy would forget and uncross his legs. Hopefully he was wearing golden boxers under there.
Lit stood behind the throne, both hands on his sword, glancing at Piper and Camilla and flexing his muscular arms just to be annoying. Under normal circumstances, Camilla might have found the guy cute, but she couldn't shake the feeling that something was bothering her.
Piper sat forward. "What my friends mean, Your Majesty, is that you're the second mortal we've met who should be—sorry—dead. King Midas lived thousands of years ago."
"Interesting." The king gazed out the windows at the brilliant blue skies and the winter sunlight. In the distance, downtown Omaha looked like a cluster of children's blocks —way too clean and small for a regular city.
"You know," the king said, "I think I was a bit dead for a while. It's strange. Seems like a dream, doesn't it, Lit?"
"A very long dream, Your Majesty."
"And yet, now we're here. I'm enjoying myself very much. I like being alive better."
"But how?" Camilla asked. "You didn't happen to have a... patron?"
Midas hesitated, but there was a sly twinkle in his eyes. "Does it matter, my dear?"
"We could kill them again," Hedge suggested.
"Coach, not helping," Jason said. "Why don't you go outside and stand guard?"
Leo coughed. "Is that safe? They've got some serious security."
"Oh, yes," the king said. "Sorry about that. But it's lovely stuff, isn't it? Amazing what gold can still buy. Such excellent toys you have in this country!"
He fished a remote control out of his bathrobe pocket and pressed a few buttons—a pass code, Camilla guessed.
"There," Midas said. "Safe to go out now."
Coach Hedge grunted. "Fine. But if you need me..." He winked at them meaningfully. Then he pointed at himself, pointed two fingers at their hosts, and sliced a finger across his throat. Very subtle sign language.
Camilla gave him two big thumbs up and a wide grin that made Piper lightly shove her shoulder.
"Yeah, thanks," Jason said.
After the satyr left, Piper tried another diplomatic smile. "So... you don't know how you got here?"
"Oh, well, yes. Sort of," the king said. He frowned at Lit. "Why did we pick Omaha, again? I know it wasn't the weather."
"The oracle," Lit said.
"Yes! I was told there was an oracle in Omaha." The king shrugged. "Apparently I was mistaken. But this is a rather nice house, isn't it? Lit—it's short for Lityerses, by the way—horrible name, but his mother insisted—Lit has plenty of wide-open space to practice his swordplay. He has quite a reputation for that. They called him the Reaper of Men back in the old days."
"Oh." Piper tried to sound enthusiastic. "How nice."
Lit's smile was more of a cruel sneer. Camilla was now one hundred percent sure she didn't like this guy, and she was starting to regret sending Hedge outside.
"So," Camilla said. "All this gold—"
Her fingers drummed on her knees. She may not be a child of Hermes, but she had the urge to steal half the stuff in the house and run away with her friends, not because it was valuable, but because it might be fun.
The king's eyes lit up. "Are you here for gold, my dear? Please, take a brochure!"
Camilla did not like being called 'dear' by everyone. She looked at the brochures on the coffee table. The title said GOLD: Invest for Eternity. "Um, you sell gold?"
"No, no," the king said. "I make it. In uncertain times like these, gold is the wisest investment, don't you think? Governments fall. The dead rise. Giants attack Olympus. But gold retains its value!"
Leo frowned. "I've seen that commercial."
"Oh, don't be fooled by cheap imitators!" the king said. "I assure you, I can beat any price for a serious investor. I can make a wide assortment of gold items at a moment's notice."
"But..." Piper shook her head in confusion. "Your Majesty, you gave up the golden touch, didn't you?"
The king looked astonished. "Gave it up?"
"Yes," Piper said. "You got it from some god—"
"Dionysus," the king agreed. "I'd rescued one of his satyrs, and in return, the god granted me one wish. I chose the golden touch."
"But you accidentally turned your own daughter to gold," Piper remembered. "And you realized how greedy you'd been. So you repented."
"Repented!" King Midas looked at Lit incredulously. "You see, son? You're away for a few thousand years, and the story gets twisted all around. My dear girl, did those stories ever say I'd lost my magic touch?"
"Well, I guess not. They just said you learned how to reverse it with running water, and you brought your daughter back to life."
"That's all true. Sometimes I still have to reverse my touch. There's no running water in the house because I don't want accidents"—he gestured to his statues—"but we chose to live next to a river just in case. Occasionally, I'll forget and pat Lit on the back—"
Lit retreated a few steps. "I hate that."
"I told you I was sorry, son. At any rate, gold is wonderful. Why would I give it up?"
"Well..." Piper looked truly lost now. "Isn't that the point of the story? That you learned your lesson?"
Midas laughed. "My dear, may I see your backpack for a moment? Toss it here."
Piper hesitated, but she wasn't eager to offend the king. She dumped everything out of the pack and tossed it to Midas. As soon as he caught it, the pack turned to gold, like frost spreading across the fabric. It still looked flexible and soft, but definitely gold. The king tossed it back.
"As you see, I can still turn anything to gold," Midas said. "That pack is magic now, as well. Go ahead—put your little storm spirit enemies in there."
"Seriously?" Leo was suddenly interested. He took the bag from Piper and held it up to the cage. As soon as he unzipped the backpack, the winds stirred and howled in protest. The cage bars shuddered. The door of the prison flew open and the winds got vacuumed straight into the pack. Leo zipped it shut and grinned. "Gotta admit. That's cool."
"You see?" Midas said. "My golden touch a curse? Please. I didn't learn any lesson, and life isn't a story, girl. Honestly, my daughter Zoe was much more pleasant as a gold statue."
"She talked a lot," Lit offered.
"Exactly! And so I turned her back to gold." Midas pointed. There in the corner was a golden statue of a girl with a shocked expression, as if she were thinking, Dad!
Camilla could feel her stomach sinking with every word the guy said. She couldn't imagine a dad horrible enough to do that to his own daughter.
"That's horrible!" she said.
"Nonsense. She doesn't mind. Besides, if I'd learned my lesson, would I have gotten these?"
Midas pulled off his oversize sleeping cap, and Camilla didn't know whether to laugh or get sick. Midas had long fuzzy gray ears sticking up from his white hair—like Bugs Bunny's, but they weren't rabbit ears. They were donkey ears.
"Oh, wow," Leo said. "I didn't need to see that."
"Terrible, isn't it?" Midas sighed. "A few years after the golden touch incident, I judged a music contest between Apollo and Pan, and I declared Pan the winner. Apollo, sore loser, said I must have the ears of an ass, and voilà. This was my reward for being truthful. I tried to keep them a secret. Only my barber knew, but he couldn't help blabbing." Midas pointed out another golden statue—a bald man in a toga, holding a pair of shears. "That's him. He won't be telling anyone's secrets again."
The king smiled. Suddenly he didn't strike Camilla as a harmless old man in a bathrobe. His eyes had a merry glow to them—the look of a madman who knew he was mad, accepted his madness, and enjoyed it. "Yes, gold has many uses. I think that must be why I was brought back, eh Lit? To bankroll our patron."
Lit nodded. "That and my good sword arm."
Camilla glanced at her friends. Suddenly the air in the room seemed much colder.
"So you do have a patron," She said. "You work for the giants."
King Midas waved his hand dismissively. "Well, I don't care for giants myself, of course. But even supernatural armies need to get paid. I do owe my patron a great debt. I tried to explain that to the last group that came through, but they were very unfriendly. Wouldn't cooperate at all."
Jason slipped his hand into his pocket and grabbed his gold coin. "The last group?"
"Hunters," Lit snarled. "Blasted girls from Artemis."
"When?" Jason demanded. "What happened?"
Lit shrugged. "Few days ago? I didn't get to kill them, unfortunately. They were looking for some evil wolves, or something. Said they were following a trail, heading west. Missing demigod—I don't recall."
Percy Jackson, Camilla thought. Annabeth had mentioned the Hunters were looking for him.
Midas scratched his donkey ears. "Very unpleasant young ladies, those Hunters," he recalled. "They absolutely refused to be turned into gold. Much of the security system outside I installed to keep that sort of thing from happening again, you know. I don't have time for those who aren't serious investors."
Jason stood warily and glanced at his friends. They got the message.
"Well," Piper said, managing a smile. "It's been a great visit. Welcome back to life. Thanks for the gold bag."
"Oh, but you can't leave!" Midas said. "I know you're not serious investors, but that's all right! I have to rebuild my collection."
Lit was smiling cruelly. The king rose, and Leo and Piper moved away from him.
"Don't worry," the king assured them. "You don't have to be turned to gold. I give all my guests a choice—join my collection, or die at the hands of Lityerses. Really, it's good either way."
Piper tried to use her charmspeak. "Your Majesty, you can't—"
Quicker than any old man should've been able to move, Midas lashed out and grabbed her wrist.
"No!" Jason yelled.
But a frost of gold spread over Piper, and in a heartbeat she was a glittering statue. Leo tried to summon fire, but he'd forgotten his power wasn't working. Midas touched his hand, and Leo transformed into solid metal.
Camilla drew her spatha instinctively and though she may not know how to use it, she knew stabbing usually incapacitated people. She raised her sword, ready to fight even if Jason was still frozen in shock next to her.
She hadn't, however, noticed that Lityerses had moved from his place next to Midas. In one swift move, he captured her attention again.
Faster than she could comprehend, pain exploded on the right side of her face. It was hot and it stung like hell. Camilla let go of her spatha, too preoccupied with grabbing her face. Touching the wound only made it hurt more.
Something hot, wet and sticky dripped down her cheek and she could barely think through the pain.
No doubt Lit would have run her through twenty times over, but Jason stepped in. The sounds of their battle faded into the background and Camilla's vision tunneled before it went fuzzy.
She stumbled, crying out in pain. When she held her hands in front of her, she could see something red and smell of blood made her want to throw up whatever little she had eaten last night.
Getting hurt made her realize that she was just a human at the end of the day. She might be a demigod but that was only half of her. She was still very much mortal.
She tripped backward and realized her mistake too late.
"There, there, I apologize for my son, he can be a bit impulsive at times" Midas said and Camilla felt a hand on her back.
No, no, no, no—
Getting turned into gold was nothing like Camilla expected. For one, it felt like the blood was turning solid in her veins, and her limbs refused to listen to her, and for another, she wished she could cuss out the old king, but she soon found out she couldn't speak.
The last thing she saw before her vision turned dark, was Jason's horrified look as he tried to focus on Lit and Camilla at the same time.
Oopsie.
Camilla when Lit tried to flirt with Piper:
Have you guys watched Bottoms? I saw it yesterday and it's so funny I'm in love with Hazel, she gives me major Camilla vibes, they're both such losers (affectionate)