"Are you just a hot rich guy magnet?" Amarylis won't stop asking about my interaction with Greyson.
Turns out he was definitely and shamelessly checking me out, everyone in the office saw it and I know it's a long shot but I'm hoping it will not be on the internet soon. And just like that, my day is ruined, and oh by a freaking man.
"Did he really hit on you? He never hits on anybody, or I guess not on his staff." Peppa says. I don't even bother commenting or replying to them about their dick of a boss because they think this is such a great thing when in all honesty, I hate him. His words hurt me to the very end, so much that it makes me think if this is how people view me. And so I focus on the road instead.
Of If I don't think it, I won't feel it.
"I thought he had a girlfriend." Amarylis speaks again in the back seat. Well, she's currently poking her head in between I and Peppa's seats so she's not really in the back. She's right next to my ear.
See? This makes things worse because I can already see the headlines. They will put up something about him taking an interest in Kevin's girlfriend or something like that or his baby mama or whatever tittle they decide to give me this time. They will also think in some home wrecking man stealer after knowing he has a girlfriend too.
Although I can't help the sting of thinking he has a girlfriend but he's still a dick so why am I even thinking about it?
I just sigh in response.
"No no, I think I overheard him on the phone say Victoria isn't his girlfriend this time." Peppa replies to Amaryllis as I park by a calm restaurant. The two have been conversing and having the time of their lives by talking about my misfortune.
"You've been at this place for what a month and you know the latest gossip?" I decide to add in so they don't catch up to my fallen mood.
"Technically, Amaryllis knows the gossip. She's my plug." I roll my eyes with a smile before we get out of the car. Amaryllis holds a mischievous smile, I don't even want to know who her source is.
I'm absolutely starving and annoyed so I better get some good macaroni.
We have our lunch peacefully and had some fun with getting to know each other for about 45 minutes before the girls have to go back to work. Amaryllis is actually very cool. She's really funny I'll give her that but most of all, she really is up to speed with the latest gossip in their workplace and the internet. She's been working at Royal Shadows for almost 6 years now, she's 28 and single.
She told me that last bit of information so just incase one of the Williams brothers happens to be looking. I mean I know Julian is single, I don't know much about Kane, I haven't seen him in months. If she's looking for a little gay experience, Jasmine left town a few weeks ago unfortunately so I don't know anything about no one. I just know I'm in love.
Although Greyson's annoying face has been painted in my mind ever since I met him. He is truly gorgeous, from how his dark grey suit complemented his caramel skin to his very curly hair. His eyes seductive either by the way he was looking at me or the way he is. The way he elegantly stood in front of me and towered over me. His voice, oh my goodness.
It's such a shame all that came out those perfect lips of his was a sack of bullshit and stupidity. They can't all be winners, I am glad I'm with Kevin and not him.
Returning home after dropping the girls back at their work is daunting. Being at an office reminded me of something I had been ignoring for a while. I miss being busy. I wish I didn't have to put my whole life on halt. I love my family, I love that I get to say I have a family of my own but so many things are missing. So many experiences, I constantly feel guilty when I see people my age doing exactly what I had planned to do at this stage of my life.
Like where's my big break? I graduated but I graduated online. I worked my whole life for graduation day and to show off my graduation pictures but no, I don't have any. I just have high school graduation pictures which are useless.
I didn't get to job hunt with my best friend like we planned. My friend had to make a work friend because her best friend couldn't keep her legs closed. They talk about "work gossip" I don't even know what that is like! They talk about their own thing and I just sit there like a child who is interested in knowing what happens next. All I do is self sabotage and call myself everything that's below the belt because no one is honest enough to ll me the truth. That I'm a fool, I guess people were right. You can't have both beauty and brains.
Fuck! I feel like such an idiot!
I stop by at the Williams residence to pick up Storm so we can go home. My body is now acting on its own as the feeling I had when I was pregnant comes back at full force. The feeling of the world closing in around me that the only way to deal with it is not to react. I just have to do what I have to do until I fall asleep and repeat the next day. Like a zombie, that's what I felt like. That's what I feel like.
I ring the bell twice before someone finally opens the door. Gabriella's brown hair and round face is the first thing I appear, she looks better than Jasmine does when she babysits.
"Fiona! You're back early, we were j- " Gabriella stops speaking when she notices my state. I try my best to fake a smile, I don't want to bother Kevin's parents. "Is everything alright, mi amor?"
"Yeah.. just a bad day." I want to say I lied but partially I didn't. My day really did turn to shit, it was great but now my whole body feels heavy, I just want to lie down.
"You were cheery just this morning what happened?" She asks.
I can't exactly tell her much because our relationship was doomed from the start but the heaviness in my heart is making my face burn from the unreleased tears. I hate that my tears are always ready to pour just at the slightest detection of concern from someone. Even if it's someone I know doesn't like me. I'm so tired of crying, I've been crying since I was a child, it hurts so much. I just want it to stop.
"It's- it's fine. I just wanted to pickup Storm and go." I say in a rush but of course this woman is as hardheaded as all of his kids. I swear their big heads are made of steel, they never take no for an answer.
"You know my husband is not home, we could sit down and talk." She says.
Sit down and talk. Is that a good idea? Last time a mother offered me a sit down and talk, I was beaten for turning in a paper late at school and my body hurt for weeks because they refused me to go to the hospital. I still have a scar on my rib cage for it. But I know Gabriella isn't that type of mother, but she is someone who confessed to disliking me many times. I don't want to try her.
"I don't- I-" She doesn't let me finish before she interrupts me.
"Fiona, I might've not been the best person to you at first but I am mother who experienced a lot of fear and depression when I had my first child too." She starts, shocking the hell out of me but I let her continue. "I could've walked you throughout the pregnancy but I misjudged you for it but, I really want to be able to communicate with my grandson's mother and my son's girlfriend." She explains.
Damn it, I'll be a dick if I say no! I hate being put in a place where I can't say no. With a sigh and a small smile, I nod let her usher me inside.
"You were right though, I was having a good day until.. well almost an hour ago." I say heading inside, I do need someone to talk to because recently I haven't been feeling like I can talk to Peppa.
"What happened?" She questions as soon as we take our seats.
"You can't exactly tell Kevin this, or anyone else, not even your husband." I don't want Kevin to know what Greyson said because it's gonna end up being this really big thing and I'm not in the mood for that.
"Okay..." She looks at me all skeptical.
"Today I went to Peppa's work, cause she said she did not bring something to eat so I was taking her for lunch. You know she works at RS right? Well, Greyson Choi happened to see me there and he said something offensive which pissed me off that I almost cost my friend a job by cussing him out. Now the whole office thought he was flirting with me and I'm afraid it'll be all over the internet." I explain in one breath ensuring I don't allow her to speak or comment before I was done.
"I love how you and I have similar personalities. You should've cussed him out child, because he was doing that on purpose." She says, well that is the least of the things I expected her to say. I mean, ever.
"Yeah but I'm a mother now, I don't want my son to grow up to see her mother acting out of class. He was just not worth it." She laughs at my words, a melodic laugh but it ceases as soon as comes. I couldn't even laugh with her, I still feel like shit.
"That's not the reason you're not okay though, that is something that'll pass. What exactly is wrong?" Damn am I that easy to read? But I'm sure I am because I feel tired, like all the light in me has been drained.
I take a deep breath when I see that I am not getting out of this situation.
"It's actually stupid I.. uhm." I clear my throat afraid of the judgment coming my way. But the weight of my problems is burning holes inside my chest, anchoring me to the ground.
"Being at a work place made me remember the many milestones I might've missed because of my pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret a thing especially because the father of my child has been exactly what I need." She smiles gently at that, this time it urges me to continue.
"I mean I wish I graduated and I had pictures to show my hard work. I wish I worked with my friend but she has a life now with another person. I wish I didn't have to act as a housewife when I'm not even engaged. I wish I got my degree, worked and then settled down with someone who had mutual feelings for me but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate my life right now, I mean I have a beautiful son and great boyfriend but..." My voice is shaky and my face is scorching hot from the tears that have already started falling from my eyes.
"But I-" My voice cracks, not knowing wanting to continue because my chest hurts. It hurts so bad I can't even find words to continue my rant.
"But it wasn't how you pictured your future." She finishes for me. I sniffle, trying not to breakdown in front of her and make it her problem but it's too late now.
"The worst part is I can't picture my future or my life without it revolving around Storm or Kevin. I can't be free enough to tell off a person because I'm scared I'll embarrass my son and boyfriend. I have to act happy and problem less because the press is not afraid to put it on the headlines if I'm not. I had to keep a straight face when people kept asking me about the rumors of my boyfriend kissing my best friend and I had to act like it didn't bother me or it was stupid when in fact it did, it does and it's making me feel so fucking insecure!" Now I'm shouting, not caring about how I'm saying all of this and forgetting who I'm saying it to.
"Don't even get me started on the insecurities after birth but I have to STAY IN ONE PIECE because I'm a freaking mother!" By the time I stop my tears are flowing on their own and I'm completely hysterical. I didn't realize my voice was so loud that it shocks Gabriella and awakens Storm. I don't remember I the last time I did even shout because it's not like me and I hate that I am pushed to this limit.
My heart breaks for a new reason when Storm starts crying in her arms. Shit!
"Oh my God baby.. I'm so so so sorry." I say wiping my tears and attempting to take him out of Gabriella's arms. Great, I can't even mother right too. I am failing at everything, I don't even get what my use is for at this point.
I no longer pay any attention to Gabriella anymore as I try calming down Storm who is crying in my arms. I have never seen him cry like this, this is my fault, I did this. The thought alone makes me cry too but I don't have time to pay attention to the tears as I try to soothe him.
I feel arms wrap around me and a sweet sounding voice starts singing and rocking me back and forth. By the sweet smell of flowers I quickly determine who the woman hugging me from my shoulder is. Gabriella is singing something in Spanish, I don't really understand any of the words but it immediately stops me Storm from crying as she gently brushes his little head, calming us both at the same time.
She continues to sing and I feel another one of her hands brushing me, showing she is singing for me also. Suddenly I want to cry even more, is this what a real mother is like? I've never had this feeling before it feels so foreign and yet so amazing. Her head is resting on my shoulder as mine rests on her head.
I love this feeling so much, it makes me smile.
A few minutes into the position, she was now humming is still hugging us both. She makes us both feel so much better. When I finally open my eyes, Storm is sound asleep. His face is pink and his hands are curled into little fists while he takes small breaths showing me he's still alive. Her song made him sleep he looks so cute. Even I have stopped panicking now, my eyes are now on the sweet little sleeping baby in my arms.
She removes herself after a while and takes Storm to put him back in his carrier, still sounds asleep and then she comes back to me. She wipes the tears that are starting to dry on my face and brushes my hair before she holds it on her hands.
"All you ever needed was a mother sweetheart. To tell you life doesn't always go as planned and it's okay to feel weak. Some situations you will find yourself in even if you weren't ready or prepared for them. See where you are now? You should be proud of it, I know I'm proud of how far you've come." I nod at her words, ensuring I store each and everyone in my memory because this is what I need, she's right. She pulls me to rest on her chest in a motherly embrace.
I have never felt the way I am feeling now. Proud. The word sounds so foreign coming from someone who is not Peppa. I have always envied the word and it's touching meaning but I never got to know what it's like.
Yet today, I feel the warmth of the words in my chest.
I decided to stay with Gabriella for an hour or two before going home. I am feeling much better and ready for challenges ahead. She's right, I have done great and my life isn't over, my dreams are not over, they are just on pause.
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Hey little bookworms, hope you're liking the book so far!