My Life by Billy Joel - Official Video (1978)
https://youtu.be/h3JFEfdK_Ls?t=7
Thought for the day:-
A Hug is always the right size.
Clifton's POV.
I followed my father into his study. I felt sure I was going to be given a right dressing down although usually he would have bollocked me there and then. I guess Xander being present had something to do with him not doing so.
Whatever! I was determined to stand my ground. I wouldn't argue back but state my position clearly, yet politely, and would fight my corner.
The words from a Billy Joel song that Xander had played me earlier kept repeating in my head:
'I don't care what you say anymore this is my life
Go ahead with your own life leave me alone'
Those words particularly resonated with me and I took some strength from them, hoping they could help me focus when talking to him.
I closed the door behind me and stood by his desk. He waved a hand, nonchalantly towards the leather Chesterfield antique armchair as he settled into his favourite Eames lounge armchair. Both were reproductions and not original or antiques but Dad wasn't bothered by that. It was all for show.
"What the hell do you think you were playing at Clifton? You know better than to ambush me like that. That boy's father is a senior partner in a very influential and successful company. He has impeccable contacts throughout the Far East and I was hoping Xander would be able to make an introduction for me. If I had balled you out in front of your guest...., as you deserve, then I could have kissed goodbye to any help from him."
"I'm sorry Dad...., I didn't know about that..... It's just we promised ourselves that we would take the first opportunity to be honest with you...., just like we did with his father."
A look of incredulity formed quickly on his face. "His father knows?"
"Yes Dad.... We told him this week.... He visited Xander's grandparents to tell them that his girlfriend had just had a baby boy. Xander had a long talk with him and his Dad is really cool about us being together."
"That's brilliant Clifton," Dad replied. There was a definite sarcastic tone to his voice. "So if I'm not, as you say 'cool' about it," inverting his fingers as he said the word cool, "then I'm going to look very 'uncool' and stand no chance of doing any business with his father."
"I'm sorry Dad.... This is not about you. It's about me and Xander."
"Oh, I see....!" Dad glared at me. "So you think that makes it alright, do you? To hell with the consequences and the problems it causes?"
"No Dad.... If we didn't tell you then that's what would cause a problem. I knew you wouldn't be happy about it but we wanted to be honest with you straight away."
"It's not a question of me being happy about it, is it? I know from your brother being homosexual is something you can't help. No matter how much I tried to understand and help him he just carried on sleeping around with different guys, most way older than him.... He was like a male whore...., he had no decency..., no respect for himself..., or for us. I was disgusted by him."
"You weren't exactly understanding or helpful though Dad, were you?" I gave him a steely, hard, long stare back. "I know exactly what you said to him.... The words you used.... How they humiliated him.... Made him feel small and utterly worthless."
I held back from revealing how I knew and who I really was. The time for disclosing that potentially dangerous information was not now. Saying things in anger was never a good thing. "We told each other everything Dad.... and I mean everything. We both knew we were gay and what the other got up to. I can guess why you chose to humiliate him.... All because of what...? Rugby? Or because you didn't want anyone to know you had a gay son? Well! Tough luck Dad... I'm gay and I'm coming out, loud and proud...... and there's nothing you can do about it."
"I knew you were gay before you even visited yesterday...., at least I knew that it was highly likely you were."
Now it was my turn to have a look of incredulity. "What...? How? I've never given you any cause to think that.... I've had girlfriends for heaven's sake." I lied, trying to keep the Clifton persona going.
"Indeed you have. Were any of them serious?" He raised an eyebrow inviting me to answer.
I shook my head.
"You may have fooled me at the time, Clifton but I learned a lot after your brother's death. A close friend at the golf club recommended me to an organisation that helps bereaved parents of gay children. They explained things to me simply and clearly. They were not at all patronising or judgemental. One of the things I learned was that a very high percentage of identical twins shared the same sexuality. It made me question many things about you that I had not previously questioned before.... Or considered."
"You actually went to a gay parents help group?" I asked disbelievingly, even though he had just said so, hoping that it would shift his line of thinking.
"Yes. Your mother went to dry out and I went to wise up. Okay....! I made mistakes with Clayton but I was damned if I was going to make the same mistakes with you..... As I said earlier I've learnt you can't help being gay....., but I want you to be the kind of person that your mother and I can love and respect....., regardless of your sexuality."
I couldn't believe my ears. My father was sitting there telling me that it was okay for me to be gay. It was surreal. "So that means you really are chilled about me and Xander, aren't you?"
"I wouldn't say I was chilled out about it just yet...., but so far he has acquitted himself well and seems a smart, likeable young man....., irrespective of how useful his father could be to me..., I hasten to add."
"So his ethnicity is not an issue either then?"
"Of course it is! I can't have you seen parading about with the likes of him on your arm, can I? What will they say down the golf club.... And then there's the neighbours.... Christ, Clifton..... You know how they talk. Lord and Lady Beaconsfield will strike us off their exclusive soiree invitation list."
A smirk formed on his face as he saw the shocked look on mine that his words had caused. He openly laughed. "I am joking Clifton! Close your mouth.... I can see what you have just eaten. What sort of father do you take me for? The colour of the boy's skin makes no difference whatsoever. It's the person inside that counts and he's already proved that he has a sense of humour and a quick brain. As to whether we like him or not, is all down to us getting to know him better...., and so far I can see nothing to dislike."
"You had me going there for a moment," I answered, joining in with his laughter. "I thought you were against foreigners.... That's why you voted for Brexit."
"That's where you are wrong. I voted for Brexit because our government is too weak to stand up to the bureaucrats in Brussels. Economic migrants only want to come here to leech off our over generous benefits system without ever having contributed to it. I'm not totally against immigration. This country is all the richer for having people from other counties that come here, work hard, and contribute to the system. No Son... I don't have a problem with anyone, regardless of race, colour, or belief, coming to this country. It's why they come, and how they get here, that I have an issue with."
"I'm sorry Dad.... We've never really talked about those sorts of things, have we?
"Would you have listened if we had?" He countered. " You were far too interested in rugby to talk about anything else."
"Rugby is not my passion Dad..., music is." I answered. I knew I would have to tread carefully or I could easily ruin this new found bonhomie that we were suddenly now experiencing. "Don't get me wrong...., please, I like playing rugby, and yes, I'm pretty good at it, but it isn't the most important thing in my life."
"If that's the case why did you mither me to go to that particular school? It's not that inexpensive!"
"I did it for you Dad. I knew how much it meant to you for one of us to gain a full England cap."
"Oh no! You can't lay that on me..... You wanted to change schools because of your brother.... Your mother and I guessed it was his new found sordid reputation that was something you couldn't handle...... And why was that, eh? Could it possibly have something to do with the fact that you're gay and would then be found out?"
Again I chose my words carefully. "We covered for each other Dad.... His name was always used whenever one of us was meeting someone. You know how homophobic the rugby world is."
My words were initially met with silence and I wasn't sure if he totally understood the hidden meaning.
"So! You don't want to play International rugby then?" He asked, breaking it.
"I'm not saying that Dad. I don't want my life to be all about rugby. If I'm capped it has to be because of who I am and not because I'm your son. Gareth Thomas was brave enough to come out publicly as gay and continued to play rugby......, okay not internationally, but he still played at top level. I need to be honest with myself and everyone else."
"Has Xander put you up to this?"
"No Dad. I already knew what I wanted but I was too scared and too ashamed to do anything about it. I needed you and Mum to love me for who I was...., and meeting Xander.... Well that changed everything. He opened my eyes and has given me the confidence to be someone you can love and be proud of."
Dad stood up and pulled me to my feet before hugging me. "I don't think anything you could do or say would stop your mother and I from loving you, Clifton. Nothing. I am proud of you for being honest with me about Xander. That took some courage, I know."
I hugged him back. I know I should have taken the opportunity to tell him I wasn't really Clifton.... But I held back. Too much honesty too soon may not be wise. Tomorrow was another day.
"Thank you Dad. That means everything to me. I really do love Xander and we both wanted our parents to be the first to know. He will be so happy that you are supportive, just like his father."
He broke the hug and sat back down. "Okay! I may be supportive but I'm not sure how supportive your mother will be knowing that the pair of you are at it like rabbits in your bedroom. To be honest Clifton.... my support would be tested if anything like that was to happen under my roof...... and before you have a go at me it would be the same if you had brought a girl home for the weekend."
"I'm not that insensitive to your feelings Dad..., or Mum's. I know how upset you both were by the autopsy report. If it's any consolation to you neither of us are ready to take it to that stage yet..... So we won't be at it like rabbits tonight. Okay?"
A smile instantly creased his face. "Your mother will be pleased to know that. She still thinks of you as her baby. Finding out that Clayton was having sex like that really shocked her. She thought he was far too young."
"And you?" I fired back. "Do you think I'm too young?"
"No I don't. You're nearly 18 and from what you've just said I doubt if you're totally innocent. You're at boarding school for heaven's sake..... It's common knowledge what goes on there.... The thing is Clifton boys your age often question their sexuality..... I'm not saying you are, but many are confused though, and they do experiment with sex. I'd like to think that you would be cautious and be sure before you did something you would regret later."
"I've known I was gay since I was 15, if not earlier. There's no question about it.... I am gay. As I just said, neither of us are ready to take it to that stage yet and if we were I would have shown you some respect and have booked us into a hotel."
Despite the seriousness of the conversation my father surprised me by laughing.
"Now I know you are definitely my son. I was 17. I had been dating this girl for some time and wanted to... you know take things further. I couldn't take her home, as although she had often stayed over, your grandparents wouldn't have allowed us to sleep together, so I booked us into a cheap motel. I said I was away with the lads on a rugby training weekend and they bought it."
I don't know why, but all I could answer was, "Does Mum know about that?"
"Of course not.... So no going and telling her. This is just between us, okay? It was way before I met her anyway and she knows I was not innocent in these matters."
He smiled at me. A warm, friendly smile. "I'm realistic. I know that there will come a time when you are in a fully committed relationship with someone and will want to bring them home to stay over. Both mother and I will make them fully welcome, with no restrictions or judgement. I think we both understand each other, don't we?"
"Yes Dad...., we do."
"Okay. I'll talk to your mother tonight and then we'll talk again tomorrow. We need to discuss whether it's wise for you to stay at that school or move you again. I don't like the sound of this rugby coach or those morons that he favours."
Author's Note ✍🏽
I did think about the Bonjovi number 'It's My Life' as the Music Video selected for this chapter but found the words in the Billy Joel song suited better.
My twin brother suggested:-
It's My Life
https://youtu.be/rdi7G1hY4-w
Even though we fell about with laughter we all still loved it and looked up the guy, Sandaru Sathsara, @https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJsN1Mmx4GRA6sCYdfKqpSQ we all felt the chapter was too serious to put it in. Check out his other songs and I bet they bring a smile to your face. He's rather a good singer too.
M xx ❤️❤️