I survived. Somehow. Wen Chao was dead. Wen ZhuLiu was dead. Lan WangJi was... disappointed. At least that hasn't changed. I've been a disappointment to him since I first climbed over the walls. For a few breaths he'd been certain Lan Zhan was going to kill him. For some reason, that made him start laughing. Just think. I survived being eaten by a water abyss and the Xuanwu of Slaughter. I survived my home burning, and being half choked to death. I survived giving up my Core and being thrown into the Burial Mounds. Only for Lan Zhan to glare me to death.
"What's so funny?" Jiang Cheng grumped.
"Nothing," Wei WuXian chortled. "I'm just happy to see you again. It's been too long."
"We're headquartered at the Unclean Realm for now. We can stay here tonight and fly out tomorrow."
Wei WuXian swallowed a spurt of fear. He doesn't know. Of course he doesn't know I can't fly! He wanted to laugh, to cry, to scream. Suibian was at his side and was as useless as a shoe to a man with no legs. "I... can't. Not yet," he lied. "My spiritual energy is too low after all that time."
Jiang Cheng stirred the fire. "Were you really thrown into the Burial Mounds? I don't want to believe it, but... the soldiers at the Indoctrination Center were so sure."
Wei WuXian didn't nod or shake his head. "Would it make a difference if I had been?"
"Of course it makes a difference!" Jiang Cheng shouted. "There are so many people who think you just wandered off to play for the past four months!"
"I did what I had to do to survive," Wei WuXian talked his way around the question. Their birthdays were so close together, and yet.... He felt years older. Perhaps it was from giving up his Core. Or perhaps it was those months spent trying to survive. Had he really spent only three months in there? It felt like years!
~*~
I'm cold. So cold. So tired of it all. Alcohol was a pale imitation of a Core. QingheNie's wine was good and there was plenty of it. It numbed the aches, numbed the cold, numbed the insults hurled at him for not carrying his sword. 'I can't!' he wanted to yell at them. I gave away my Core. I'm going to grow old and die while you all look young and healthy. "I did what I had to do to survive."
"Wei Ying.... Consuming so much alcohol is not healthy."
Wei WuXian looked at his friend with blurry vision. One of the great things about not having a Core anymore was he got drunk a lot faster than before. "Go away Lan Zhan. I'm drinking."
"You should stop."
"There's lots of things I should do," he agreed pleasantly, and drained the jar. "You're not my parent nor my sect leader. Half the time I don't even think we're friends. Stop telling me what I should be doing. I already know what I should be doing."
"And what is that?" the second jade sounded slightly exasperated.
"I should find another jar!" Wei WuXian stood and swayed for a bit. "Wow. Was that an earthquake? Strange how the ground under my feet was shaky, but you didn't move at all.... Why do you suppose that is?" He was quite proud of the fact that he wasn't so drunk as to be slurring words yet. Walking, on the other hand, was going to be a challenge given the number of earthquakes happening beneath his feet.
"Where is your sword?"
Wei WuXian's face twisted in thought. "I hope it's where I left it. It would be awfully horrible for you and Jiang Cheng to go through all that trouble to get my sword back only for someone to steal it again! What do you think, Lan Zhan? Do you think there's a thief here who stole my sword?"
"Go to bed, Wei Ying. You're talking nonsense."
Wei WuXian beamed with pride. "My specialty! My one true gift from the gods!" He tried to bow, overbalanced, and nearly rammed his head into a wall. "Well... I'm off to find another jar or three. I can still walk and talk, so I'm not nearly as drunk as I want to be."
"Wei Ying," Lan Zhan chastised.
"Lan Zhan," Wei WuXian echoed in as close a tone as he could muster.
Lan WangJi blinked his golden eyes a few times. "Why do you need to be drunk all the time?"
"Stops the nightmares," Wei WuXian answered semi-honestly. "You can't know what I've seen. What I've done. I did what I had to do.... I see it again. Every night. Feel it again. So much pain. So much hatred. So much blood. And death. Over and over. You don't understand. You'll never understand. So cold. All the time. Like I'm living in winter even in the hottest summer days. Wine... stops it all. For just a little bit, I can sleep with normal dreams. For a short while, I'm warm. For a short time, I don't feel like every bone in my body has been shattered to pieces and has yet to heal."
"Wei Ying...."
"I don't want your pity!" he shouted. "Don't you fucking pity me! I'm handling it the only way I know how. I just have... just have to get past it. A few more days at least. I figure out how to control the nightmares. And then?" He was breathing heavily, too fast. He could feel his heartbeat racing.
Lan WangJi reached out a hand briefly, and then dropped it to his side before Wei WuXian could process it. "I will meditate with you. Help you clear your spiritual pathways and soothe your mind."
Wei WuXian stared at his comrade in arms for a few wild blinks before bursting into hysterical laughter. He wants to meditate with me? Clear my meridians? How? Lan Zhan... 'attempt the impossible' is the Jiang motto, not yours. "I'm not a child anymore," he chastised. "I don't need help meditating!"
"You need something!" the jade retorted.
"I need more wine!" Wei WuXian agreed and stomped off.
~*~
More fighting. A skirmish here. A battle there. Without a sword, he resorted to openly using his demonic cultivation. His ghosts and ghouls surrounded him as he raised the dead Wen to fight against their former comrades. Lan WangJi dogged his steps, arguing constantly about how resentful energy destroys the mind, destroys the body. 'I know that!' Wei WuXian wanted to scream. Do you think I don't know what I'm doing? I created this! Do you think I can't feel what it's doing to my body? Do you think I can't feel my mind slipping out of my grasp? Do you think I want to be like this?
His supposed allies were, rightfully so, upset at the use of demonic cultivation. At first. But then the generals and sect leaders decided they were going to be magnanimous and accept it since it was helping them to win the war. At the same time, they insulted him for refusing to carry his sword. As if they didn't know the two were incompatible with each other. They saw him going slightly insane every so often and accepted it as a necessity of war.
~*~
Between battles, and when not marching, he'd creep away from the camp to try to regain his sanity. Not that anyone actually cared if he would fully go insane as long as he continued to win battles for them. I'm so cold. So tired. I just... want to sleep. I want my Mama.... He could feel tears welling up in his eyes. Mama? Can I just... sleep? When this is over.... When we've won.... Can I sleep? So tired.... Will you come visit me like my ghosts and sing me a lullaby? One time is all I ask. One lullaby, and I promise I'll be good and go to sleep for you.
~*~
Wei WuXian's eyes crossed then refocused. The Wen sect leader was dead, lying in a pool of blood of his own, a short man holding a bloody sword standing over him. Hurts. Can't breathe. He coughed a few times, as if his body was trying to force his airways open after being almost choked to death. Hurts to swallow. Hurts to breathe. Is it over? He picked up his head enough to see the battle was winding down. The Wen were surrendering. Good. He laid back down, exhausted. I can sleep now. It's over.
I'm over.
Mama? Does it hurt worse than this? His body tried to force him to swallow again. Hurts so bad.... I just want it to be over. Can you hold me until it's over? I don't want to be alone. Not at the end... please. His brain must be acting funny from lack of breathing earlier. A blurry woman knelt at his side, caressed his face. "XianXian... It's not your time yet. Rest, Baobei."
He must be hallucinating.... That wasn't a woman; that was Lan Zhan. "Lan Zhan? Is it over? Can I sleep now? So tired...."
"Rest, Wei Ying," came the low voice. "Just rest."