I believe In Dreams by Jackie Rawe (1985)
https://youtu.be/FGg9vEP1vwE
Xander's POV.
Shortly after 8:30pm Cliff and I headed over to the Music Wing. I was not at all happy, in fact I was feeling really pissed off. I hadn't yet had a chance to talk to him about the events at dinner and the agreement he had made with Eyetie and Big Bradders.
I couldn't believe it when he had pulled Big Bradders up for going to call me Alice and then dragging me into the agreement without batting an eyelid. Talk about living life dangerously.
Obviously I knew from my time at the school how important rugby was, not just to the school, but to the boys that played it. All activities ceased to be important when it came to major rugby games, especially knockout cup tournaments. Other school life was held in abeyance as every boy was expected to drop everything else and come out to cheer them on.
Despite knowing this I had been shocked at just how far Eyetie and Big Bradders were prepared to go in order to secure an agreement with Cliff. For the first time ever they actually acknowledged me in front of everyone else. They both shook my hand and even addressed me Xander as Eyetie explained to us why he owed Bradders the £10.
It was simply a bet.
Big Bradders was convinced that Cliff would agree to their suggestion while Eyetie was adamant that he wouldn't. Eyetie had said that he had seen how Cliff had stood up for me more than once and if he had agreed not to fight with Toad anymore then it would leave me unprotected and that's something Eyetie was sure Cliff wouldn't do.
Cliff's proviso had taken them both by surprise and yet they both welcomed it without a problem. It was Big Bradders off the cuff remark 'that as there were no girls around it was hardly surprising that there were more boys giving hand and blow jobs to other boys in the school than anyone realised' that had astounded me.
If that was the case why was I singled out and called queer or a homo all the time?
What really pissed me off big time was when they had said it was no big deal if Cliff was wanting to get his rocks off with me as long as no-one knew and it didn't affect his playing.
Cliff once again had reiterated very firmly that was not the case and even went as far to say that I hadn't done anything to make him feel awkward or uncomfortable, other than building a barrier between us.
That had made Eyetie and Big Bradders laugh and they both congratulated me on doing that.
Cliff never mentioned that I had now taken it down.
Once inside the storeroom I just picked up a record at random and put it on the sound system, turning the volume down to a background level. It was I Believe In Dreams by Jackie Rawe. It briefly passed my mind if it was one that Cliff knew or liked.
I slumped dejectedly down on the floor and leant up against a cabinet with my knees up and my hands resting on them.
"I'm sorry," Cliff said as he sat down beside me, copying my position. "I'm not sure why you're pissed off with me but I couldn't agree to what they were asking without making sure that you would be alright. I could just see Trevor and the others taking it all out on you and that's not fair."
"That's not what's pissed me off," I answered, belligerently. "It's Eyetie and Big Bradders that have done that. It's okay for anyone else to indulge in homosexual activity but I am being victimised by nearly everyone in this awful place all because Toad and Kasper accuse me of being queer."
Cliff laid his arm across my shoulders and gently hugged me from the side. "That I can understand but from what I've seen it's only them and others in the rugby squad that are really abusing you."
"What about everyone giving me the 'weak'?" I asked. "You seem to have conveniently forgotten about that."
"That's an exaggeration Xander..., and you know it," Cliff chided me. "From what I've seen it's mainly younger boys trying to act all big. Others are just trying to act all cool in an attempt to impress morons like Trevor and Kasper. Most of them simply ignore you because they want to avoid any repercussions back on them, anyway since I hit Trevor it's died down a hell of a lot. Yes?"
I didn't answer him so he twisted my head around so I couldn't do anything other than look at him.
"Yes?" He repeated, giving a cute smile that lifted my mood.
I readily smiled back and nodded my head in agreement. "Thank you for what you said at dinner... you know about me not doing anything to make you feel uncomfortable. That was really good of you."
"No worries," he answered as he released his hold on my head and let his arm rest over my shoulders again. "It was the truth anyway!"
I smiled at him again. "Thank you. It was still nice to hear though."
"My brother was teased and laughed at because he was gay," Cliff suddenly announced after a short silence. "He said being found out was the worst thing that ever happened to him and he wished that he had been able to keep it a secret...., even from his closest friends."
I turned and looked at him. He sat there staring straight ahead of him.
"Mum and Dad were not very supportive either," Cliff continued. "He was offered psychotherapy by the school but he refused to go because he knew our dad would see that as being weak and not being a proper man. Mum did what she usually does when things upset her and hit the sauce...., you know the alcoholic kind. Dad then blamed him for her falling off the wagon again and said some pretty nasty things. It sort of messed with his head for a time and things got really bad. He still confided in me as we have always done with each other and things sort of settled down. Mum and Dad swept it under the carpet and it was rarely mentioned again."
"Is that why you've been so supportive of me because you think I'm gay and need help?" I asked as he fell silent.
"In a way..., yes!" He replied, turning to look at me. "Whether you are or not is not anyone else's concern. I know how the bullying affected my brother. How it changed him from being an outgoing, friendly person to one who became introverted and almost reclusive. It wasn't just Trevor coming in and calling you Alice that reminded me of what often happened to my brother. It was after that first morning in the bathroom when I realised that it was all because you were different and they were looking for any excuse to pick on you. They certainly couldn't handle the fact that you meditated."
"Tell me about it!" I answered. "Kasper made sure of that."
"Anyway, I didn't want you to become a victim like my brother and knew I was in a position to do something about it." Cliff gently rocked me as he added, "besides you were my roomie and despite your less than warm welcome I still wanted to be friends with you."
"Is that why you said that you knew why I had built that barrier?"
"Yes....! Because that's exactly what my brother had invisibly tried to do. He wanted to block everyone out from seeing the real him. He hid his true self, stifling himself of any possible love."
I thought this was an appropriate moment to ask what his twin's name was. "You've never said your brother's name...... it's as if you're wanting to avoid saying it."
"Cl-Clayton. His name was Clayton..... And yes..., I have been avoiding saying it. Don't even think of asking me why as I'm not sure that I have a credible answer. I was given pamphlets to read on counselling and was recommended psychotherapy but couldn't do anything about it because of Dad's views."
"My Dad wanted me to have psychotherapy too," I empathised, "but I didn't like the woman he took me to see. She was quite intimidating. I found it easier talking about Mum's death with my cousin in Bangkok.. I knew she would understand what I was going through and wouldn't judge me because she had recently lost her father. It's true what they say..... Talking about your loss does help."
He never answered but sat there, with his head bowed, as if deep in thought. I hoped that he would now open up and at last confide in me about Clayton's death.
After a brief silence he spoke. "It was at the beginning of the summer recess and we were out on our mountain bikes and having some fun. We shouldn't have been because he was still meant to be resting a leg and back injury...., We had been out with a group of friends and he was showing off to a group of girls by jumping off a rock face. He was competing with other boys seeing how high they would dare jump from. Of course he had to be 'The Man' and go one better than anyone else....., and that's how he hurt himself. Anyway, as I was saying, the weather was so good and we couldn't resist going out on our bikes. We were heading home and were racing...., each trying to outdo the other as per usual. He was easily beating me so I went for a short cut off road using a dirt track not far from home. He saw me and tried to beat me by crossing some scrubland. It was a bit steeper than he must have realised as he came careering down the slope, unbeknown to me, totally out of control. I saw him, out of the corner of my eye, approaching from my left, and thought he was going to cut across me and beat me to pick up the road again so I didn't give way. I heard him shout 'You bastard.... I have no control' and then he crashed into something and went head first over the handlebars."
I saw Cliff's hand move to wipe his eyes. "It sounds to me more like an accident than anything else."
"Yeah!" Cliff sobbed. "But it's still my fault... If I had given way he wouldn't have tried to avoid me."
"Would he have given way to you?" I asked, knowing full well that the answer was almost certainly no.
Cliff never answered.
We sat there in silence for quite a few minutes. The feeling that we were not alone intensified and I sensed his brother's presence. I could hear him repeating his words from yesterday. He was quite agitated.
"When your brother told me yesterday that he wants you to tell your Dad to stop making you do things you don't want to do and insisted that I tell you to be yourself.... What did he mean?"
Cliff stood up and started to pace up and down the small, confined, floor space. He had his hands behind his head and was cursing under his breath.
A force that I had not encountered before made me stand up and stop him from pacing up and down before forcibly pulling him into a hug.
Clifton broke down and wept.
Clifton's POV.
Opening up to Xander had been far easier than I had thought. Even though I had distorted the truth quite a bit I was relieved that I had not made any mistakes. Now he was asking me something that wasn't easy for me to answer. Finding a plausible response was proving difficult and it got the better of me.
He pulled me into a hug and the floodgates opened.
I couldn't help it.
Xander didn't say a word. He just held me tightly. He didn't stroke my head or make soothing noises or anything like that. He just stood holding me, remaining quiet and still.
The hug suddenly intensified and it felt just like the hugs my brother used to give to me. Comforting and consoling.
"It's important to me that I know you are safe and okay, Bruv," my hugger whispered in my ear in a voice that I knew only too well.
I tried to push myself out of the firm embrace and to look at my hugger but the hold I was in remained tight and firm.
"Your boy is a real cutie. You've done way better than me and have chosen well...., chosen one that can be trusted and I am quite envious of you. I'm in limbo. I'm stuck here in purgatory and I can't move on to the next world and find peace until I know that you are happy and settled as the person you really want to be. It's my fault that you've got yourself into this mess and I'm here to help you get out of it. I need you to be at peace too."
The hold on me was relaxed and I suddenly found myself holding Xander's limp and lifeless body.