"God?"
"My child, I can't take you away."
I see a huge light, in front of me. But it's not a dream.
"Please kill me, God! Take me with you!" I run to go closer to him.
"Your family is waiting for you, Alexei."
"God, please... I don't want to be there anymore."
Then, nothing.
A hand is holding mine, and it's Jesus's hand.
"Alexei?"
"God?"
It was in illusion, in fact it's Andrei's.
Where am I? Wasn't I supposed to be dead? I am under withe covers, in a beige room.
"Dad?"
He is crying, taking me in his arms and shaking. I never saw him like this.
"Why would you do this, Alexei? Huh? You are my son! I never wanted you to be dead! You are my only son, Alexei. Why would you do this?"
He keeps on crying, feeling his heart beating hard.
"Because dad, I didn't want to live anymore."
I'm half awake.
My mom is surprisingly not there. I can't even imagine her reaction.
"Is this because of me?"
His face expresses an intense pain, sadness. It must be traumatic for him, to have seen me suspended. He is repeating, again.
"Is this because of me?"
I start crying, again. Really loudly. I feel ashamed to be this weak, but we are being weak together. Maybe sad would be a better word.
"Dad, why is love so painful? Why are girls so cruel? I don't want to face all this pain all my life, dad. I want to leave."
He keeps on crying, holding me.
"What do you mean?"
"She cheated on me, dad. I didn't do this only
because of you. There are so many things why I did this. She cheated on me with my friend. She was a girl that showed me a slight of light in my life, but it was all fake. I want to beat my friend so bad, dad. To make him feel physically what I feel mentally."
I take time to express all that, because I wrestle talking.
"Oh, son... May God helps you. I am so sorry. She wasn't the one, Alexei. And you have to accept this. There are so many people that cheats, and she is part of these. You will find a better girl someday, I know."
He holds my hand again, almost squeezing it.
"You'll have to be prepared for pain, you know. Life is cruel, it's like this. You'll have to overcome some battles all your life long. Especially in your adulthood. Please, promise me you won't do this again."
I don't want to promise it, but I'll have to.
"I failed you, Dad. I failed everyone. I didn't think you would have such a reaction." It's true, after all the things he told me, I didn't think of the aftermath. "And I wanted her to be the one."
"Alexei, you didn't. You really thought seeing you hanging from the ceiling with consciousness lost wouldn't make make me react? You scared me!"
I see nurses walking in the hallways, young and old ones, in their light blue uniforms. I am now understanding right away; I'm in a hospital.
"I am so sorry, Dad", I whisper.
He is stroking my hair, which is something that he never does to me, and removing his glasses to wipe away his tears.
"You know who failed people? Me. I was an awful dad to you, my frustrations all came to you, and I shouldn't have done this. But I realized it too late. You don't know how mad I feel at myself."
He really looks sincere. He looks like he is in pain. Just like me.
"Do you forgive me, son? I'm going to make my biggest efforts to be tolerant and patient with you."
I don't know. I don't know if I forgive him. Maybe I will, but I won't forget how he was.
"Can you do me a favour, dad?" I avoid the question.
"What?" He smiles at me.
"You'll be surprised, but can you tell Emile to come? I don't know, I want to see him."
Effectively, there are sparkles of surprise upon his eyes, and he nods, unlocking his phone.
"I'm doing it right now, Alexei. He'll... He'll be happy to see you."
Happy might won't be the word, maybe he'll be traumatized to see me in a hospital bed and a big red mark that the rope left on my neck. He'll understand fast what I just did. Maybe he'll be mad at me, maybe he'll cry, or maybe, he won't want to come. Because to be honest, I wasn't being the best friend lately.
"Thank you, Émile." His hand is shaking, hanging off.
I didn't even answer his question yet, and he didn't notice. He's distracted with all of his thoughts for sure. Dad is really overwhelmed, and I'm feeling ashamed.
"Do you think he'll forgive me, Dad?" I ask, after a silent minute.
"He will. I know it."
We are waiting, looking at the roof, and he is holding my hand again.
"And I'll try to spend more time with you, Alexei. We could workout together if you'd like. It helps a lot with the mental."
I would like this, but don't know how I would start.
I nod, thinking it's a good idea. The nurse is coming, taking care of me and asking questions. She seems young, like it has been only a year that she is having this job. She shows up with Émile, his facial expressions changing when he sees me. I never saw him in such a sadness. Normally, he's a happy guy, all the time. Singing, laughing out loud, and telling me thousand of anecdotes. But I can tell he's not this guy right now.
He is expanding his round hazel eyes, becoming waterfalls fast. He runs to me, throwing a furious glance to my dad, and taking my arm.
"What did you do?" He notice my neck the first second he sees me.
He is crying, so bad that he isn't having the strength to stay stood up. He hugs me, thigh, and his curly hair are brushing my chin.
"I just want to apologize for how I was to you, okay?"
My bro is holding my shoulders, and I am developing chills. "Hey, hey. I already forgave you. What matters the most, is you. I'm sorry if I was too much, it's just that I care about you. Every day, I was worried about you. And now I'll worry even more. What were you thinking? Why would you try to end your life like this?"
He is screaming at his lowest-case, still holding me.I kind of knew he would forgive me, because it never happened that he didn't. Even if I was being a jerk during all our friendship, he would still forgive me. He has a heart that has a huge space for forgiveness, so much that he sometimes forgive people don't doesn't deserve to be forgave. His heart is not like mine. I have way less space for forgiveness, and I trust people way less than him.
"And you smell like alcohol", he looks at me, with disgust and fear. "You aren't the type of drinking alcohol."
"I know, I know..."
He is pinching his lips, standing up and his tears are falling on his sweater. My dad is still next to me, looking at Émile being as sad as him.
"Why did you drink? Who made you drink? Was that to make you forget about your problems?"
I slightly smile at him, my eyes still watery. I feel sick.
"Vicky cheated on me yesterday, Émile. With one of my closest friend, that supported us trough our whole relationship. The one that made me do my first steps with her. Not only this, but classmates made an anonymous account exposing me, saying horrible things that I didn't even do. I'm just done, Émile. I'm loosing Alexander, and war is not over yet. I don't know when I'll get to see my family again, you know."
The more I talk, the more he cries, it's as if I am making him injuries with all the things I'm telling him.
"Vicky cheated on you? The girl you loved so much?"
"Yeah, yeah she did." I squeeze the bedsheets, talking with a low tone.
"Oh my God..."
I cover my eyes with my weak hands, and I suddenly feel sleepy.
"She's so disgusting. I can't believe it", Émile says. "I am so sorry dude, I can't imagine the pain."
"I thought it would make me feel better to be drunk, I guess", I tell him, shrugging my shoulders.
In an other world, I would already be with God. If life didn't chose me to take me back, I simply would be a saoul, resting high in the skies. I don't like to think about hell. In a certain way, hell is on earth. I would like to see one day, the huge house of God, walking on the golden streets of His kingdom. Just feeling free, forgetting everything that is behind. Floating in His world, finally taking a break. That's what I wish for, but maybe He didn't plan to make me go there. He wants me to live, and I don't. He wants me to stand up, but I don't.
"Émile, Alexei truly got bullied at school?" My dad asks, because he never really knew about that.
My best friend is not saying anything, looking at him. "You didn't know?"
I smell it, he's probably going to make a speech to him. A speech that has been made by his emotions and frustrations.
"I didn't, not a lot."
"Well, if you were more present to Alexei's life, maybe you would know about all this. Maybe you would already try to help him out. But no, you just decided to take distances with him. You decided to give up on him. Where was your dad's role, Andrei? I always admired you since I'm little, but I lost respect for you since I saw you pressuring him in his hardest times. I loose respect for everyone who mistreats my best friend."
My dad is crying as if his regrets were torturing him. "I know, I do. You are right. I should have been better. I realized this too late. Way too late..."
"Imagine if he was actually dead in that rope. Imagine how much guilt would hit on you!"
Knowing my dad, he would normally stand up and yell back, but not at him. He seems too shocked, sad, and guilty to say anything. He is becoming the Andrei he never introduced to us before.
"That's it, stay silent and don't say anything. Why couldn't you take care of him when he started to stop eating? When his mood was destroying him day bu day? You are his dad, Andrei, your the one who gave him life. You are the first man he met. That is the art of paternity. Acting like he is not your son is cruel."
He is not saying anything, stroking his forehead with his fingers. Émile is holding my arm, standing in front of him. I look at him letting all his emotions over my dad, and him crying. Both are crying.
I don't know on who's side to be on. I don't really have the energy to say anything about all this, and close my eyes, with the dry tears in my cheeks. I don't have anything with me, besides my clothes, and myself.
I actually want them to leave, just so I can stay in the bed with the silent air. Making my best friend go see me wasn't the best idea after-all; I didn't expect him to stand up against my dad. Émile is a full time polite guy, that is always fearing to talk back to any parents.
"I'm going to give my best, I promised him", he answers, weakly.
Right now I'm thinking of what Vicky is doing right now. Probably doing couples thing, like we used to do, and him giving her the pleasure she desired. The pleasure I couldn't give to her, because I simply wasn't feeling ready nor the desire to do it. If I could give it to her earlier, nothing of this could happen. I wouldn't try to make a deadly way to make me forget about her, and I would probably live better, even with the struggles behind me. A little bit better, at least.
"Guys, stop", I cry again, because of what my thoughts made me feel.
My headache makes me want to scream, so much it's sharp. It drives me insane. I am slightly screaming in pain. A nurse is coming, and at the same time, my mom and sister.
My little sister is widening her mouth, crying and my mom is running to me, screaming and crying, on her knees.
"He needs to rest. There is too much people now. He is allowed to have some visit later."
My mom is looking at the nurse, as if there would be flames getting out of her nostrils.
"You really think I am going to leave after seeing my son in the hospital bed? I won't, miss. You don't understand."
She is holding my sister's hand, furious.
"I do understand, but it's better for him to have some rest. There is too much stimulations for him right now."
"Please let me see my son!" She is taking a last glance at me. My sister is looking at my neck, disturbed. She automatically realized then why I am here.
"You son is going to stay at the hospital for about two days, and his psychiatrist will take care of him. We need to look up his mental health before releasing him."
Mom is looking at the nurse, her facial expressions freezing. "Two days? So he won't be home at all for two days?"
"After a suicidal attempt, we have to keep the patient for at least a day before releasing him."
Everyone is looking at me, as if they have to say their last goodbyes. Mom, Anastasia, Dad and Émile. My mom is jumping over me, hugging me before letting me in this depressing beige room.
"Don't ever do this again, Alexei. I will never forgive you from doing this", there is a slight tone of rage in her voice.
My is still gazing at my face and neck, with the red pigmentations on her eyes and cheeks from her crying. She leaves with everyone, as if she was already waiting for me to go home. The door is closing, and there is just me and the nurse. The room becomes silent again, and the young nurse is taking care of me, asking questions. Here I am; physically alive, but still needing to survive inside. Her face looks angelic, and she is glancing at my cross neck, nodding approvingly.
"I am going to take care of you", she takes my hand. "God saved you from death for a reason."