Author's note: For anyone who reads this, a forewarning for chapter 28, which focus's on Chad and Janine's storyline, will be more adult and mature in content. I don't want to give specific trigger warnings without giving away spoilers. Sorry
a couple weeks later; random weekday; early may
Janine-
How did our lives come to this? That's all I can think about while I continue to be on strict bedrest in my own home. It's just about all I've thought about for weeks; ever since that day in Chad's office, when Donny made all those speeches. Including ones directed at me, specifically, and then me and Gina together. But this was soon after we did, or rather I did, something stupid. Something that was supposed to put to bed all of the issues I've been having with my husband, Chad. I kissed Donny, me and Gina both, kissed Donny to see if we still have feelings for him. I think for Gina, she meant it, it was all nostalgia. I've tried to convince myself of the same thing, that it was all nostalgia, but that could be a lie. I'm not sure. My feelings about the whole thing change from minute to minute. It's these damn pregnancy hormones I know it is.
Even though he empathized with me at the time, I can tell that it was still bothering Chad. I know him well enough, he blames himself for the whole mess because it was his idea. I've tried speaking with him about it but I barely see him these days and when I do, it's only to ask how me and the baby are doing and he chats with Krystal about it. I feel so helpless. I've got major cabin fever to boot.
I know he's avoiding a fight to not put me or the baby in danger, I just wish we could communicate like a normal couple. We've been together so long, things get all mushed together but I don't think it's always been like this. On the other hand, we've never been pregnant before so maybe we're both doing what we think is right.
I just want my husband back. I love him so much and I've told him so and he's said it back but his reply back doesn't feel the same. It's not insincerity because he wouldn't, nor couldn't hide that from me. It just kind of feels more, I don't know; robotic. That really doesn't do it justice either. I just feel like the love expresses back to me a little...stifled. That's probably the best way to put it.
Of course, my number one priority is all regarding the human being that's been living inside of me for seven months. The due date isn't so far away but I'm a prisoner in my own home and my own mind. Krystal's a sweetheart but she's too diplomatic. She'll listen to my bitching and she'll only give neutral, generic responses. Because of the issues between me and Chad, I don't feel like answering anyone's calls that ask about how I'm doing.
I know if Linnie or my mother or anyone else that I'm real close to calls, I'd just end up bombarding them with my issues. I especially don't want to answer Linnie's calls because my stupid fluctuating moods due to these crazy hormones may decide that I need to start sounding all jealous like a loon that she's engaged to Donny. I'm in a rare moment right now where I think I'm in my right mind and I can truly say that I'm happy for them but maybe that's a lie.
The only person I've confided any of this to anyone is Gina, but I haven't told her everything. For starters, I don't know everything because my darling, sweet but super stubborn husband won't talk to me. And the other issues aren't really issues. Or they don't have to be. There's the Donny and Linnie stuff that I already mentioned, she actually knows about that because how couldn't she? She kissed Donny right after me.
But there's something else I haven't told anyone. I haven't even given it any real conscience thought until now and I still don't want to think it; it's shameful. There's a man... Oh, I can't do this! This is all in my mind anyways and that's where it's staying! The handyman that's been coming to work on our baby's nursery, his name is Rayshawn. Gosh, I make myself sick just saying his name. And it's not a 'yuck I'm disgusted by him' thing and it certainly is not a black thing. I make myself sick because...well, because of what I think about when I see him every day. I'm utterly ashamed and that shame just turns me on even more. This is really, really bad.
Now, don't get me wrong, I've fantasized about other men all the time. And Chad's admitted to fantasizing about other women. But for me it's never been this intense and it's all because I'm bored out of my mind all day and my husband's ignoring me. Okay, that's unfair, but this situation is stressing me out.
The nursery is right across the hall where the room is which is in perfect view of his dark, shirtless, muscular, sweating body. I find myself staring as he hammers and saws away. Krystal seems oblivious to this. I feel like I'm cheating just thinking these things but I can't really help it.
He hasn't done or said anything to me. In fact, it was Chad that hired him and has been speaking with him. The most I think I've ever said to him is 'hi' when Chad first introduced us. There's absolutely nothing for me to do all day. Krystal barely lets me watch tv; it's the Weather Channel. That's it. All day, every day and she controls the remote. Even though I'm perfectly capable of moving on my own she insists on being the one to escort me to and from the bathroom. Which is getting more frequent trips than I need to and longer times in the bathroom than I need to. It's the only break I get from Krystal momma bearing me.
Shamefully, it's also become the time where I find myself. I can't believe I'm about to say this...pleasuring myself thinking of Rayshawn. Ackack! I made myself gag out loud just now just thinking about it.
"Miss Janine, are you okay?!" Krystal jumps up. I don't know how she does it, but she's been here 24/7 pretty much. If it wasn't for her boyfriend, Craig (bless him), I'd never get any peace, which is very rare anyways because she's always here
"I'm fine, Krystal." I say, panting
"You don't sound fine!" she says back, "Here, let's get you up and into the bathroom, right away. I'm going in with you this time. You sound like you're going to puke again."
As Krystal takes my arm over shoulders to bring me to the bathroom again, I take a peek over at Rayshawn, and there he is, working away. Listening to his earphones, completely unaware of his presence is doing to my marriage. I know how that sounds! Shut Up! Leave me to my pregnant misery!
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