A huge headache wakes me up late in the day, and I'm still having the clothes I had yesterday, wondering why there's vomit on my shorts. I take them off, and throw them on the floor with abhorrence. It's two in the afternoon, Wednesday June 26th. My brain reminds me of what Vicky did yesterday, so I start crying, which makes me headache worse. I don't care anymore, to act like a man or not. I'm hurt by her, and she left a loud scar that is staying in my heart.
I'm acting like a boy, and not a man. I know, a man would not cry about this and would overcome that. A boy stay weak and cry. I struggle moving so much my head hurts. My phone is next to mine, and I grab it to call her. It will hurt, I'm aware of this, but I can't be left in silence without knowing her reasons for cheating on me. I feel like I'll melt in my bed and die here. It's so tiring to be feeling sad and empty all the time, and it will be worse because of her.
My stomach and throat are squeezing, I'm reaching her phone number, and waiting for her to pick up. She might will hang off or ignore the call. There are so many things she could do right now, and I have no idea what.
"Hello?" She picks up, rudely.
"Vicky, hi" I try to not sound sensible behind the phone.
"Are you sober now?" She asks, annoyed.
"Huh, what are you talking about...?" Really, I don't remember of what happened yesterday after coming at my friend's.
"You sent me texts, saying you wanted to open your hurt heart with a knife because of me and that you were sad I wasn't there so you could fuck me like I wanted and you sent voice mails begging me to come back, crying."
Woah. I don't remember that at all. Was I that drunk...?
"I don't remember all that, Vicky."
"Well you did, you just have to look up on Snapchat." She speaks coldly. "Why are you calling me anyway? It's over, Alexei."
"I just want to know one thing, Vicky."
"What?" Says Vicky, almost screaming.
"Why did you do this? Why would you cheat on me with Marco? Vicky, Marco was my good friend."
She exhales loudly, thinking of her justifications and making me wait, for half a minute.
"Because... You know, it was for fun."
For fun?
"What do you mean for fun, Vicky?" I sarcastically smile, expanding my eyes well alerted that I don't want to hear the rest of what she has to say.
"I don't know, I just wanted to have fun, not necessarily falling into an emotional relationship like you wanted. I am not really into that, honestly", her honesty becomes brutal.
I heard enough. My brain heard enough, and my heart heard enough. But I still can't leave her justifications in suspense.
"Couldn't you just tell me that earlier, Vicky Duscheneau?" I talk back to her, waiting for better justifications.
"I don't know. Normally it's obvious if I only want to have fun", she says so neutrally.
"You are kidding me right?" I scoff. "I clearly asked you if you wanted to have a long term relationship with me, and you promised it to me. Even that you yelled at your parents that you love me, and that you won't stop dating me only because I'm Russian."
I can hear a "oh my god..." from her while I'm speaking.
"I guess it changed, Alexei. You shouldn't have expect me to still desire it forever. It's not how I work. And, for the record, you didn't want to spice up things with me, so it meant you don't love me anyway. Marco did want it."
It's the dumbest and most disgusting thing I ever heard. So, all our relationship long she was like this? For four months?
"Vicky, are you really being serious? You really don't know how love works, huh? Oh no wait, it wasn't love that you were feeling."
"Okay I'll get going", she is about to hang off.
"Vicky! I still have questions for you."
"Oh God, what?" She shows me with her voice that she has enough of this call.
"Why with Marco? Couldn't you just break up with me?"
"You really want me to be honest, huh?" Her voice raises. "Well first, breaking up with you wouldn't be so simple and second, Marco's girlfriend broke up with him two days ago, the night when I invited you to come over . I talked to him, trying to make him feel better and we decided to see each other then. And we kissed, and felt like it."
That's it, I want to break my phone with a hammer. I'v heard too much.
"And Marco didn't feel bad to do that? He didn't remember I was the one dating you or what?"
"He did, but he just didn't care."
Her words are hitting me the more she talks. My old tears are burning my cheeks and I control myself to not yell at her, insulting her with all names, because she's just a girl that comes and go, who will do the same for Marco I bet.
"Wow, really? So a backstabber friend and a cheating girlfriend. Amazing, Vicky. Wow!"
"Alexei, also-"
"What?" I get furious.
"I didn't want to deal with your depression. I don't want to have a partner that only see negative in his life, just crying all the time, you know. I didn't notice you have it before, but then when you told me, I felt like it was over for me. It's not only that... It's also that, I don't know... You are out of my league. I want a guy that has a lot of money, and when I went over your house I guessed your weren't as wealthy as I imagined. I want a guy that responds to my needs, which means rich and gives me the pleasure I want. I'm rich, you are in middle class, you understand? It just doesn't match so much, no offense. And I'm sorry to say this, but I'm not Christian... I don't believe in God at all."
Obviously she wasn't christian. It was almost written on her forehead so much it was obvious. Wow, All that time long she thought of me like this, I see now.
Well, today is my last day. My very last day. Because I'm not ready to carry the new weight I'm going to have in the next days.
"Vicky, you are so disgusting", the silence is breaking between us both. "You disgust me. I didn't see you this way, but now you just showed me the most unattractive part of you, your whole person. All of what you are saying is that you are a girl that thinks guy's feelings are trash, and you only want sex and money. Well, good luck for breaking Marco's heart. He was my good friend, he backstabbed me, so I hope he'll get heart broken because of you. I hope every guys you will meet will know you are just a girl that wants to be desired and nothing else."
Vicky is beyond dumbstruck, not saying any words behind her phone. I hang off gently, now looking trough our Snapchat to see what I sent to Vicky yesterday, because what she told me made me so embarrassed. Perhaps it wasn't true.
Indeed, I sent genuinely messed up messages begging her to come back, I effectively texted her that I was sad she wasn't there so I couldn't fuck her like she wanted, I texted her to stab my heart with a knife because of what she did, and I sent hideous voicemails for me crying, begging her to come back. I'm done...
I can't stay here. It's time for me to go. I need to let my mom know that I love her first, and for Andrei, well... Nothing.
I am going downstairs but before, I hug my cat, kissing his fur.
"You'll survive without me, Luka. I love you, little best friend."
I smell like alcohol but have my conscious back. Each steps I do hurts my head, and my eyes still feels heavy. My mom is in the living room, seeing me going downstairs.
"Alexei, I hope you remember last night."
I really can't remember. But I know I was drunk.
"No... Not really."
She is looking at me as if I am stupid or that she isn't believing me.
"Well let me tell you that you are not touching alcohol until you get healthy. You threw up almost all night, and you weren't walking properly. Your body can't handle all this liquid, and you know that."
At this point? Well seeing Vicky almost making out with my job-best friend in front of me, of course, made me want to drink until I get deadly drunk. What type of guy wouldn't do that, right?
"Oh..."
"Your sister was a lot concerned, Alexei."
"Where is she?"
"She's been at Laura's since twelve today. She's going to spend the night with her."
Oh yes, Laura, her best friend. They are like soulmates, they never leave each other. I always found her best friend really great for my little sister, and I wish nothing bad would happen between them.
I'll let my little sister that I love her too.
"Okay, well I hope she's having a great time."
My mom nods, and I'm hugging her, tight. "I love you, mom. A lot." This will be the last hug I'm giving in my life. She was the first and now the last one.
"Are you okay?" She asks me, confused and stroking my back.
"Yeah, I am. I am having an headache but it's okay" I smile at her.
"Do you want me to make you tea?"
Yes, our remedies are tea, most of the time.
"No, I'm okay, I'll get better."
I am holding my tears and she doesn't notice it.
"Even if you're hugging me I'm still disappointed about yesterday."
"I know."
I'm going downstairs to head the garage, while my mom is now turning her back, to go back to what she was doing.
It has been a long time I didn't step there. When I am opening the door, there is a mixed smell of gas, tires and wood like all the other garages people are possessing.
🐣Сестра🐣
I love you, little sis
And this is the last text I'm sending. I completely close my phone, looking at the dirty ground. I tear up, looking for a rope, that might be in a random cardboard box.
I run to open them all, hoping to find something that could be useful. A stool is randomly in the corner of the garage, so I put it on the middle of the ground, holding a random rope. I tremble, climb onto the stool and tie the rope the the hook in the garage ceiling.
In the name of God, please, bring me with you. I want to join you. I am tired to live in regrets, shame and pain. I want to be in your arms when everything will be done. This is the only thing I want. Amen.
I pray, holding my golden necklace crying, feeling ready for the world to end for me. Goodbye to my family, old friends, Michael, my cat. Goodbye to everything in this world. There was beauties in this world, I admit, but they became ugly and destroying fast.
It's scary. There is kind of a big distance between the rope and the ground, so if I jump, it's over.
The faster I do it, the faster it's over.
Breeze comes through my hair and face and the stool falls. I feel weaker and weaker, air moving in my lungs. I can feel the pressure leaving weight in my head.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...
My saoul is getting out of my body, slowly. I can see death approaching, becoming closer to my face.
Five, four, three, two...
My eyes opened, I start seeing black dots becoming thicker in my field of vision. All I see is black now.
One...