Author's note please read before starting: this is probably one of the longest one shot's I've ever written but it's worth it. Since it's the last day of September, i decided to write a small motive in honor of suicide prevention month for whoever needs it. So To anyone having a rough time can come back to this and read it again. I hope to the person reading this, that you heal from things you don't talk about and your heart doesn't feel heavy everytime you wake up. If suicide ever crosses your mind don't hesitate to think twice about reaching out and helping yourself, you are loved more than you think and don't say otherwise to yourself because you never know what a person genuinely thinks about you. Ignore your overthinking and be kind to yourself always, i know it's hard but if you don't try you won't get anywhere. It's normal to feel tired most of the times physically and mentally so just know it's okay to feel out of place and confused. Give yourself a break once a while. I don't know you, but what i know is that things will get better over time so don't be afraid that you'll stay the way you are your whole life, you won't.
Songs suggested: please create this playlist BY ORDER before reading, do NOT shuffle (anchor by Novo Amor, Euphor by Novo Amor, listen before i go by billie eilish, jungle by emma louise, fourth of july by sufjan stevans, 1-800-273-8255 by logic, state lines by Novo Amor, you are enough by sleeping at last.)
Warnings: suicide, sh, anxiety attack, depression, swearing.
Y/n's POV:
6 years, 3 months and 14 days of torture. Since i was a kid i never once had a good day to breathe me some fresh air, some relaxation. Therapy sessions never helped me either, it was always a constant routine, like i was stuck in a time loop. Nothing ever lessened my pain whatever i did i always failed to bring myself out of my own misery. Traumatic experiences never left me and the heavy heart never stopped.
6 years, 3 months and 14 days since I've been diagnosed with depression, an illness I'd never wish upon anyone even my worst enemy. My parents were never kind either, i was an only and lonely child, never had friends around, never made some and never cared to anyway. I guess having distant parents always made me give strangers the cold shoulder. I was a walking human with an empty shallow wretched heart that felt no emotion but pain, pain, pain, pain. Hurt was the only emotion i felt but not from empathy no no no it's because i always felt numb to feel emotions. I never once felt genuine happiness , never once felt sympathy, never once cared even if i tried and the realization hit me everytime and i felt constant anger, sadness towards how unlucky i was to be put on this earth if i wasn't even going to enjoy it. Depression was an unexplainable feeling that no human being could ever describe because it's just..... There.
Helpless cries went to sleepless nights from unescaped, merciless headaches of overthinking, a never ending radio of suicidal thoughts and selfishness, never once a good compliment of desire towards myself, always a fucking cow, ugly fat person that never deserves love, worthless piece of shit that was never enough and could never do anything right. Why do i look like that.
Sleepless nights went to starvation. I'd be less of a pig if i just stopped eating. There's no point of taking care of myself anyway. ignore your hungry stomach, that's what i always told myself. Why do i look like that.
Starvation led to self harm. The piercing blade felt good, the fresh pooling blood felt satisfying, the burning sensation felt real. If i couldn't feel anything, maybe the lines could do otherwise. I became addicted and i knew it wasn't well for my being but it felt amazing i couldn't stop. Why do i look like that.
I got a job at formula 1 a few years back after i stopped my therapy sessions figuring it was never useful in the first place. i was in desperate need of a distraction in my life so when i was accepted into it i immediately packed my stuff and left my home town. Anything, anywhere just to escape this hell. I was greeted by the kindest people I've ever met, not like my fucking parents who had one job. It took me 2 years to get used to everyone around me, i wasn't social much like i said making friends was never in my to do list so i only spoke when needed and talked to. That was when i met everyone on the paddock, the whole grid. All of them were incredibly nice and welcoming it made me question everything in my life and what I've done wrong. I even became close to half of them and for the first time in my life i felt seen, heard but unfortunately the heavy heart was still there and the pain never disappeared. I laughed at myself for believing this job could've helped. Everyday was the fucking same, sadly wake up, skip breakfast, pretend, work, try to fall asleep but fail then repeat. Saying I'm tired was an understatement cause i was sure this was being more than fucking tired. Exhaustion fueled me up day and night, mentally and physically and my head never seemed to shut up these past few days. I lied to myself everyday to convince myself i was doing better but man was i even far from good. Suicide was constantly on my mind but bringing myself to do it, the thought of it alone made me want the ground to just swallow me whole, i wish i was brave enough to do it, i really wish. I never understood how someone in desperate need to end themselves and was craving it every minute was actually afraid shitless to attempt. as if a type of forceful gravity was pulling me back and i hated it. I loathed it from the bottom of my heart. I've had worsening days, days where I've accidentally lashed out at some of the drivers from built up anger that was never in my intentions. I won't lie I've grown closer to all of them but the more i had people in my life the more lonely it got. So most days i distanced myself from them thinking isolation was the answer but let me tell you, it never is. It just made it worse but the guys never mentioned anything. little did they know the endless hurting became unbearable and the thoughts were starting to win.
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Day 15
"y/n" did someone call me? "y/n!" shut up "Y/N" i sensed myself snap out of my daze and turned around to be met with carlos's wide eyes as he starred at me concerned. "you were zoned out pretty deeply there" oh.
"oh i didn't..... Know" it's that bad gosh. He seemed to worry with my answer "i called you three times are you okay?" What a fucking question, what a dumb fucking question.
I put on my fakest smile and chuckled at him "I'm fine carlos just thinking" saying i was fine felt like the heaviest word on my tongue.
His face seemed to relax which was a good sign "about what".
I mentally sighed to myself, wanting nothing but to escape this conversation. for once carlos don't be so obvious just once.
"nothing important, what were we talking about anyway" changing subjects was a pro tip with carlos. As he continued his topic with a smile i just physically sat there but mentally somewhere else though i still admired how he smiled talking about his race and wondered how it felt to be happy about something you love, something I'll never have .
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Day 16
I felt a nudge to my arm and my head snapped sideways just to see lando laying his plate down on the table as well as oscar on the opposite side as they both sat down, oscar facing lando and i.
"HEY N/N" they said in sync and i couldn't help but smile, they always called me by my nickname i couldn't help not to.
"hey" i replied softly when suddenly they leaned in closer to me as if they had the biggest secret to spill. My brows scrunched in confusion. what the hell.
"you alright" lando started and i was more confused, there was no way it was this visible.
"yeah?" i replied even unsure of my own response. My eyes snapped to Oscar's when he spoke up.
"are you sure i mean lando and i noticed you haven't touched your food for the past 10 mins" shit. My eyes darted down at my plate of food that hasn't been touched since i sat here. The sliced apple now starting to turn a bit brown and the crunchy top layer of the croissant starting to fall off.
What do i say what do i say. I licked my dry lips and looked back up to see their concerned eyes.
"I'm just not much of a breakfast person" i chuckled to defuse the uncomfortable tension and when they both shared a look and shrugged my shoulders visibly relaxed, they seemed to believe me.
"can i take it then" my head twisted at the sound of a new voice beside me to see Fernando sitting quietly like a child waiting for there parent. I pushed the plate towards him with a warm smile "it's all yours nando" he returned my smile and happily took the plate. My attention went back to the boys who had smiles on there faces as they chatted, mindlessly eating their food and i wondered how it felt to be free from your mind, to eat with no feeling of guilt whatsoever, something I'll never have.
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Day 17
I was sitting on my bed blindly scrolling through instagram as i waited for lewis to come out of my bathroom with his new set after he came to my house to show me i couldn't say no. He always took my opinion when it came to fashion because i was "brutally honest" a trait i really didn't like about myself because it never ended well with others.
I heard the bathroom door open and i looked up to see a grinning lewis with open arms as he started walking stylishly to show off his outfit and when he turned around i whistled to express that i loved it which made him laugh and blow me a kiss.
"The fit is litgitness like literally" i exaggerated after he stopped in front me.
"so that means we like" he lifted his brows excitedly and i winked at him and lifted up my phone to take a picture of him.
"wait wait!" he exclaimed and i lowered my phone before i could take a shot and noticed him looking at my dresser, i followed his eyes and realized he was looking at my favorite pair of glasses, the one's i got when i was in London a last year.
"can i try them on they're so cool" he walked over to grab them and waited for my answer. Of course i wasn't going to say no and said yes. He looked like a child who was offered a pack of candy and i smiled sweetly at his childish behavior.
"actually you can have them" i painfully smiled. I have nothing to lose so why should i care, besides it's lou. He seemed shocked by my offer.
"what? No no these are yours-" but i was quick to interrupt him.
"it's fine lewis, i never liked them anyway" lies lies lies. His grin became wider unaware of my tearful gaze and ran up to me, hugging me tightly to which i responded to with a pat on the back. Affection was never my thing especially when i never had it to begin with, so when it came to physical interactions i always felt awkward and out of place.
I wonder how it felt to be so loved to the point that affection wasn't an unfamiliar but a normal thing a human does, something I'll never have.
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Day 18
I was standing in the unbearable heat as i discussed with charles upcoming interviews and podcasts but through the whole conversation he seemed to be distracted.
"so-" "I'm sorry I really have to interrupt" charles stopped me before i could finish and my brows scrunched up in annoyance.
"how are you not dying from the heat wearing that sweater" he seemed genuinely curious for my answer as he pointed down at my clothes and i looked down at myself to admire my sweater as if my first time seeing it. Yes, i was dying and i wanted to stand in a freezer more than anything but i couldn't allow my scars to be evident. I looked up to see his face as red as his Ferrari shirt. I could feel the sweat trickling down my forehead but i ignored it.
"nah I'm fine just felt a bit cold earlier" i dismissed him with my hands and he looked anything but convinced when the sun was literally peircing through our skulls but he moved it aside and suggested we go back and talk inside where there were ACES for some fresh air. I quickly agreed, glad he didn't question further and wanting nothing than to scratch my covered wrist where the fabric was pricking my scars.
I wondered how it felt to be so unbothered and composed with yourself , something I'll never have.
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Day 19
I couldn't bring myself to laugh at one of Daniel's funny jokes that i should be laughing at like a dying hyena but instead i sat with a barely visible grin on my face and he seemed to notice my change of mood. his laugh at his own joke slowly subdued.
"why aren't you laughing" a smile was still on his face. I knew he found it weird how i wasn't laughing because i always laugh at his jokes but today i felt too tired to laugh about it.
"just not in the mood today" i chuckled nervously and dismissed him but he seemed to not like my response.
"why did something happen? " i wish there was a reason dan i really do.
"nope just hormones" i falsely laughed to defuse the tension and when he laughed aswell i was relieved.
Humor was sometimes my only escape of sadness so I'd joke about my mental health to cope and I wondered how it felt to laugh 24/7 and a genuine smile on your face all the time, something I'll never have.
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Day 20
My eyes felt heavy and sensed my head slowly falling, my head clouded and the muffled voices of the meeting i was in died down, caving in to my sleepiness. I was jolted awake when someone slightly nudged me in my arm and i turned around to a snickering max. But when he saw my red eyes his demeanor changed completely.
"you look tired" he leaned in to whisper to me as christian kept on talking. Trust me max, i know. He motioned his finger under his eyes to point out my eye bags.
"I'm fine" ouch, another heartache, i felt like i was forcing myself to say it. Max didn't seem like he wanted to drop the topic.
"you don't look like it, looks like you haven't slept in years" he whispered again and i held myself back not to spit a mean remark but i composed myself because i had no reason to be rude he just wanted to make sure i was okay. He probably doesn't care.
"i just haven't had my morning coffee that's all" i averted my eyes from him and lowered my head to my fidgeting hands.
"is everything alright" christian spoke up and both max and i turned our heads to find everyone's attention on us. Great the last thing that i fucking needed.
"yeah yeah sorry.. Sir" max spoke and kept silent the whole meeting but i still felt a few glances from him from time to time.
I wondered how it felt to be well rested and have no struggles of sleep with constant brain nagging, something I'll never have.
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Day 21
Ouch. The tennis ball connected with my arm. I've been playing tennis with yuki and pierre for the past hour but i couldn't bring myself to enjoy it no matter how much i tried. I used to love tennis so much but now it seems like I've never played it in my life when in reality i just don't have the desire to do anything i love anymore and it was one of the symptoms i hated. Yuki was standing aside, watching. Pierre on the other hand seemed surprised from my unusual behavior.
"Y/n what's wrong you used to play well" pierre spoke as he walked around the net towards me. How can i explain.
"yeah what's gotten into you" yuki stepped in aswell with a frown on his face. I puffed out a sigh and worked the gears in my head to find an excuse.
"i just have a sore body from last night's workout, sorry guys" i hope to god they believe me. They both shared a confused look then turned towards me again.
"but you never worked out yesterday" i had to hold everything in my willpower not to roll my eyes at pierre. My heart dropped to my stomach and i felt my hands starting to shake but i held them tightly and smiled warmly at them both.
"I'm just not feeling it today" i knew they would question if i was okay so before they could i dropped the racket and walked away towards the bench to wipe away my sweat, sensing their eyes following me but i never once turned around.
I wondered how it felt to enjoy something you love and never get tired of it, something I'll ever have.
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Day 22
Today might be the worste day of my life, I've been feeling so sick since morning that i felt like putting food in my mouth would make me puke my guts out. Whenever i catched a glimpse of my reflection on any surface i could see my pale, yellowish face and the dark bags under my eyes, like a walking dead, of course no one would even approach me if i looked like that.
Towards the evening i was standing at the Mercedes garage as toto and George stood beside the car, chatting about whatever.
I was looking through my ipad but not really paying attention as my stomach kept grumbling and and poking as if someone tied it and was pulling hard, i could feel the food i tried eating earlier build up towards my throat and i couldn't take it anymore.
I dropped everything in my hands and ran towards the closest bathroom i could find before dropping on to my knees and puking everything out into the toilet.
I heard loud footsteps run behind me but i didn't pay them any mind only when i felt them grabbing my hair and pulling it back out of my face. I tiredly pulled away, my heavy lidded eyes looking at the person beside me to find a terrified george kneeling next to me. His eyes weren't focused on me, more like on the toilet.
"Y/n" he breathlessly spoke "you threw up blood" he looked up at me petrified and my eyes widened before following his sight to see small patches of blood trickling down the seat.
"I'm fine geo-" "NO YOU'RE NOT OBVIOUSLY" he grabbed me by my arms to stable me, helping me up "come on let's take you to the infirmary you need help-" he spoke rapidly my head unable to keep up with his words. What is wrong with me.
"George i said I'm fin-" "YOU'RE NOT" please stop shouting. "stop shouting"
I felt my blood boil, i was so mad, infuriated i just wanted to be left alone and his loud voice wasn't helping me. I wanted something to happen.
We were halfway outside, that's when I've had enough "I SAID I'M FINE". His head twisted fast towards my direction when i shouted and i glared him down. I wanted nothing more than to disappear.
"you think spitting that blood back there means you're well?" he gritted at me as he squinted his eyes. People started to surround the Mercedes garage and the way i wanted the ground to swallow me whole and wipe me from the face of the earth.
"please stop" i begged him when i noticed lando and oscar as well as max and charles approach the scene.
Tears slowly flooded my vision, my heart beating out of my chest, my breathing rapid, blood pumping in my ears i felt like passing out any minute. I shut out everyone around me, my eyes concentrated on my shivering hands. The sharp pain in my chest was so strong that my knees gave out and i gripped my shirt above my heart, shutting my eyes tightly. It was like someone was blocking my air way to breathe, choking for air.
I was watching from inside my mind at the figure of boys running up to me. I could feel multiple hands wrap around me and everything felt in slow motion. Muffled shouts of help sounded but it was like i was stuck in my own head, i couldn't speak nor move. I barely opened my eyes to find charles kneeling beside me, holding my lulling head while George held me around the waiste to pull me up. Lando and oscar were busy pushing people to make a way for us, but all of it was passing infront of my eyes like a blur, nothing seemed clear, like a dream. Distant shouting of my name was heard before everything went black.
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Third person's POV:
"FUCKING HELP HER" charles shouted in the paramedics face.
"sir she just passed out from an anxiety attack, it must've been too much stress for her" the paramedic tried to reason with him.
"WHAT ABOUT THE BLOOD" that's when carlos stepped in between.
"mate you need to calm down" carlos laid his hand on Charles's chest and slightly pushed him back but charles wasn't having it.
"I won't fucking calm down did you see what happened to her" charless gritted out, starring him down.
"no, i didn't but shouting won't help her amico" carlos said calmly and took charles by the arm and they both looked at eachother for a few strong seconds.
"he's right" George spoke up who was sat along with the others outside your room. charles huffed out defeatingly and carlos led him back to his seat. It was clear everyone was worried about your condition especially george who was shaken up about what happened a few minutes ago.
"i just don't understand" George started which caught everyone's attention "i was talking with toto and suddenly she dropped everything and ran to the bathroom" he shook his head in misunderstanding, recalling the images in his head and the blood patches then looked up at everyone who were looking at him intently, "and when i checked up on her she was throwing up blood" he finished and concern etched on everyone's faces.
"blood? " lewis asked again as if not believing what he was hearing. George nodded and stayed silent but carlos interrupted the silence again.
"where did those glasses come from" carlos asked curiously, pointing up at Lewis's glasses that you had given him. Lewis lifted his hand touching the glasses before pulling them off his head.
"oh, y/n gave them to me" he replied, examining them in his hands.
"but, those are her favorite pair" carlos pointed out confused "she told me once when i was at her house".
"but, she told me i could have them and that she never liked them" lewis explained himself even more confused than carlos which made the spanish boy think hard but was interrupted from his thoughts when another voice spoke up.
"has anyone noticed y/n's been acting weird lately" daniel asked and everyone agreed in unison.
"why do you say that though" charles asked, poking his head from around max who was sat beside him.
"i told her one of my jokes the other day but she didn't laugh"
"WHAT" max exclaimed at Danny's words as if he just told him the biggest secret ever. Everyone seemed flabbergasted aswell. "everyone laughs at your jokes especially her" max stated as if the most obvious thing ever and all the boys agreed with him.
"RIGHT?" daniel slapped his knees in disbelief "she said she wasn't in the mood"
"that's what she said to us aswell when we played tennis the other day" everyone's eyes snapped towards pierre who was sat next to yuki who also nodded and spoke "yeah she was playing shit" pierre nudged him in the arm with a warning glare. "sorry"
"but she never plays shit we've seen her play before" lando interjected.
"that's what we said" pierre and yuki exclaimed in sync together. "she said and i quote 'I'm not feeling it today'" yuki spoke again. The statement made the boys scratch their heads and think when lando started talking again.
"there was a time where oscar and i were having breakfast" oscar nodded along "we waited 10 minutes to see if she'd have touched her food but she never did" they all shared worried glances at eachother.
"when we sat down with her and mentioned it she said she wasn't much of a breakfast person" oscar finished off.
"she seemed........ Distant" lando expressed his thoughts again which caught carlos's attention.
"mate me too" everyone looked at carlos "i was talking to her on Sunday about my race but she looked like she was in another world i literally had to call her 3 times to get her back" carlos explained more to himself, trying to put everything together and understand your weird behavior but still not finding a conclusion "it's like she's in her own head as if she wasn't present mentally"
"i wonder what's up with her" max wondered out loud "she was falling asleep alot in last night's meeting and when i woke her up her eyes were bloodshot red as if she hasn't slept in years" max explained his side of concern as he looked at everyone profoundly.
"she's been looking extremely pale these past few days" george said and max nodded at him "when i mentioned it she said she just didn't have her morning coffee yet".
"but you said the meeting was at night" charles interfered, scratching his stuble in concentration. Max slightly frowned "she's been having zero focus".
"and also zero sense of heat" charles jumped in again.
"how come" lando asked in which everyone nodded along, curious as to why.
"you know how extremely hot it was on Saturday"
"yeah the paddock was fuming" daniel agreed.
"she was the only one wearing long sleeves so i couldn't help myself and asked her how wasn't she suffocating from the heat but she just said she was a bit cold earlier".
Everyone's mouths fell agape and a long silence fell between them as they all thought hard but mostly carlos.
I mean come on, falling asleep everywhere, barely eating, loss of focus, giving away her things, wearing sleeves in the heat and now passing out from anxiety attacks. It all made sense and everything clicked together in carlos's head. How could they have been so blind.
Carlos gasped and immediately stood up in realization. The boys turned urgently at the sudden movements of their friend.
"what is it mate" charles looked up at carlos curiously.
"guys come on think about it"
"usually i don't think" everyone raised their brows at lando who lowered his head.
"guys come on, barely eating, zoning out alot and loss of focus, sleeping at the wrong times, barely smiling, no motivation to do anything and wearing long sleeves in the heat to obviously hide how she's been hurting herself and now passing out from anxiety attacks? These are all obvious symptoms of depression" carlos counted down his thoughts wide eyed and it all genuinely made sense to them.
"holy shit you're right" charles stood up fast next to carlos.
"how could we have been so blind" daniel stood up followed by lando "it's been right in front of us this whole time".
"i mean she did have a rough past" oscar joined aswell. George stood up too "but she would've told us right?" pierre and yuki were quick to follow "she's been pretty quiet lately" pierre doubted.
"guys!" lewis urgently stood up with wide eyes seeming to have realized something big and everyone waited in anticipation "i just realized when people don't plan on staying here for long they give away their most prized possession" he heavily tried to clear his point "THE GLASSES".
Everyone's eyes widened like saucers.
"guys" carlos slowly stretched out and everyone looked at him, understanding what he meant. Suddenly, carlos turned around and sprinted towards your room followed by everyone else. In one swift urgent move he swung the door open just in time to see you raising your hand up, holding pills and ready to swallow them whole.
"STOP" your eyes snapped towards the door with wide eyes and with no hesitation the pills were slapped out of your hand and fell to the floor. "what the hell!" you shrieked.
"WE CAUGHT YOU IN TIME HOLY SHIT" daniel shouted as you watched all of them pour into the room. There goes your plans. You furiously glared at everyone before stopping them at carlos.
"Why WOULD YOU DO THAT" You screamed in his face but he looked more concerned than defensive as he searched your tear stained face.
"are you crazy? We could've lost you!"
"THAT'S MY POINT" the room fell silent at your words and your eyes focused on the bottle of pills on the counter again. Everyone's eyes followed yours, knowing exactly your next move. Everything happened at once, carlos grabbing the pills before you could, charles running towards you to pull you back, lando and oscar sprinting to close the door while Daniel and max rushed to close the curtains. lewis caught the bottle of pills thrown at him by carlos just in time.
You struggled to escape Charles's grip around your middle, thrashing around kicking and flailing your arms, squirming anything so he could let you go but he never budged and lifted you off the ground.
"YOU RUINED EVERYTHING" you sobbed out at basically no one specific just so angry you had failed after you had brought yourself some courage.
"WE SAVED YOU" George stepped in.
"I DIDN'T WANT TO" you sobbed louder, feeling so claustrophobic in Charles's arms you were hyperventilating.
"that's not true!" charles protested behind me.
"stop acting like you guys care!" you felt so tired from your struggles but nothing could stop you from lashing out.
"WHO SAID WE DON'T" intervened pierre.
"WE DO CARE" lando offensively stepped forward followed by oscar "we care alot too!". Feeling so exhausted from your miserable attempts, you collapsed helplessly and charles followed you along, feeling his tense arms slowly relaxing allowing you to breathe. Everyone looked at you sympathetically on the floor, crying your heart out, your head down and your hair covering your face, quiet sobs falling from your lips and they all shared a look obviously feeling how your hurt and pain was radiating clearly off of your cries and form before they all shared sympathetic looks, reading each other's minds then walking forward and sitting down on the floor, surrounding you.
"we wouldn't be here if we didn't care" your head snapped up at Daniel's words.
"he's right" Lewis interpreted, everyone nodding along to their words. You felt yourself cry harder, nothing in your head, your aching heart too much of a distraction to think about anything, just listening to them talk.
"you're just saying that to make me feel better about myself" you doubted them, unable to believe you could be loved to even be cared about.
"that's not true" carlos protested, but seeming more calmer and gentle this time after processing your mess. "you mean alot to all of us more than you think".
You scoffed and mumbled "yeah right".
"we do, talk to us Y/N, what's wrong" you head snapped to Oscar. You slowly shook your head, trying to evite eye contact with anyone as more painful tears filled your eyes.
"We're here for you" lando nodded at you.
"how can i explain when i can't even understand my own head" you whispered quietly at them, your voice cracks exposing you away, your quivering words spilling out like throwing up your guts.
"you don't have to understand it, but, Atleast try" yuki suggested and you lowered your head, mindlessly fidgeting with your fingers as the gears in your head worked. You genuinely didn't know where to start or how to speak. You felt forced with all of their eyes on you, you just wanted to evaporate and simply stop existing.
"one at a time" max smiled warmly at you and you felt a small weight of comfort top your shoulders.
"how does it feel" your voice hoarse and crooked, starring off into the wall. Everyone seemed shocked with your words and it was evident on their faces, looking around to see which one of them you were talking to. this was probably the last thing they were expecting you to ask, all of them confused as to what you meant.
"feel what? " charles curiously asked beside you. You tiredly twisted your head at him, eyes becoming heavier by the minute, heart stuck in your throat.
"to have a heart" heavy silence fell in the room, all of them seeming dazed with what you said, so deeply touched by the question that they were speechless for words. A few moments of silence passed and no one knew what to say so you spoke up again, pouring out unintentionally everything you've been keeping to yourself for years, not even noticing how your mouth was moving before you could stop it.
"how does it feel to.... Care, how does it feel to be passionate about something you love without pretending to" you looked unsubconsciously at carlos as if stating it directly at him which he tensed up at, noticing your gaze "how does it feel to enjoy your food with no hesitation or guilt with repetitive thoughts of shame towards yourself" your gaze moved towards oscar and lando and they looked at eachother sadly, the mystery of your discarded food clicking together in their heads
"how does it feel to be so used to being loved to the point that affection isn't an unfamiliar act of kindness" your eyes moved towards lewis and noticed a barely glimpse of a spark in them as they softened once they met yours. Your lips quivered and you sniffed to cover up the small sob that was threatening to come out "i really wish i was as affectionate as you lou, a simple gesture that my parents could've provided me but i guess it was too fucking hard for them to teach me basic human decency" you lowered your head to hide the falling tears, unable to handle their pitiful looks.
Vulnerability was your biggest enemy and definitely did anything to ignore it. You covered your face with your hands to muffle your cries when you felt a hand rub your back for comfort. You immediately knew it was charles since he was sitting on the left side of you. You looked up at him through your blurry vision to see a soft smile on his face and a reassuring nod as if to signal you to keep going.
You squinted your eyes at him "it must be nice to be composed and comfortable in your own skin instead of standing infront of a mirror and looking at yourself with fucking disgust" you spoke with loathing and hatred as if about to commit murder.
You motioned your hand towards daniel "or feel genuine happiness, laughing all the time instead of faking it everyday, how.. How do you do it HOW does it feel to feel any type of emotion, How can you be so fucking happy, or... or relaxed, without constant heartaches EVERY DAMN FUCKING DAY" you felt yourself unintentionally lash out, body shaking, voice raising with every word. "how can you feel" you slapped your chest straight to your heart "how isn't there a fucking void here". You weren't directly talking to him but more towards your anger of unfairness in life. Being so damn lucky to have an advantage such as feeling joy from the bare minimum. Everyone kept silent, allowing you all the space you need to vent and pour your heart out. "imagine being so exhausted that you don't even have the desire do the things you love" your eyes landed on yuki and pierre as you recalled tennis practice the other day. "it hurts when you want to distract yourself and not knowing how because nothing pleases you anymore. I can't even tell you how much i wish someone could take my pain away instead of handling unbearable agony and not knowing how to stop it or what to do because it's always.... there no matter what I try" you moved your eyes towards max "the feeling of sleeping peacefully with no constant nagging of your brain telling you all kinds of pessimistic thoughts until you end up with lack of sleep and consuming 6 cups of coffee the next morning because even in your sleep you can't escape your own head" you gripped your hair tightly, feeling crazy and insane right now you didn't know how to act.
"my heart's hurting and nothings making it better, I'm so tired" and with that you broke down completely, feeling a huge weight being lifted off of your shoulders after pouring out the blades that have been stuck on your back for years, the burden you've been carrying , the thoughts you've been keeping, the wretched heart you've been handling regardless. The built up rage you've been craving to destroy. You loathed yourself so much no one understood and no one ever will.
They starred down at the floor and some at you, wishing they'd noticed your struggles sooner, wishing they could do anything to make you feel better knowing it wasn't as simple. The sudden movements of daniel standing up caught everyone's attention. He walked towards you, knelt down and spread his arms around you, pulling you into his embrace, carlos and charles followed him suit then everyone joined in on the groupe hug. No words exchanged, just this simple gesture of comfort making you relax from head to toe, you allowed the warmness to engulf you completely, crying all the tears until they run dry, savoring the rare moment of being loved, something you were so used to giving but never received. Your heart fluttered in your chest and for the first time you felt relieved, the heaviness lessened.
After what felt like hours they all pulled away and you admired each one of them, noticing genuine care in their faces and wondered how lucky enough you were to be in their life, it's like god had sent them as your guardian angels and you've never felt more greatful.
"you really don't know how amazing you are do you" daniel wondered aloud.
"we understand" lewis joined in. "we all have our ups and downs in life and it's never easy but that also doesn't mean it always has to be difficult, you never really know what someone's thinking about behind all the disguise, we may not understand your hurt but i can say that we've all had tough experiences we had to go through and you know what? You're the strongest person I've ever met for going through shit and still keeping your head up even if it's exhausting in most days, after everything you're still standing on your feet, you've brought joy to most of us on our darkest days without knowing " his hands landed on your shoulders reassuringly " you're the kindest soul i know and never doubt that"
"We're proud of you for being here" max shooted you a warm smile and you returned it back through your welled up tears. Max may seem like a mean man most of the times but when you really know him he probably has the softest heart you've ever come across even if he can be a pain in the ass sometimes with those anger issues, you couldn't lie though you were just the same.
"we literally don't know how to do anything without you" lando rose his hands in the air dramatically like the boy he is and smiled when in results he got a cracked chuckle out of you. "like who will oscar and i gossip with when you're not there"
"he's right, you have the best tea between all of us" oscar added.
"oh please I'm the gossip queen here and we all know it" George rolled his eyes proudly and flipped over his shoulders imaginary hair which resorted a snort out of everyone.
"yeah.... Sure" charles cracked up, holding in his laugh. Lewis that understood what charles meant and was sat beside him, nudged him in his side warningly.
"i honestly love you most because you're the only one who defends me when pierre makes fun of my height" yuki interrupted the scene and turned around to an offended pierre, who looked so french at the moment you couldn't help but snicker at his face.
"it's not my fault you're short and adorable" he rolled his eyes which earned a hard slap to the shoulder by yuki.
"i here honestly don't know how you have the strength to listen to my talking everyday for hours because if i were you i would've slapped myself until my teeth were knocked out" carlos voiced his thoughts which earned a roomfull of laughter from everyone.
"same, i need someone to keep up with my schedule, I'd be a mess without you" charles scoffed on the side.
"me too, you're literally the only person who has some fashion sense and an honest opinion here unlike others" lewis voiced the last part, squinting his eyes excusingly at george in which George gasped dramatically and placed his hand over his heart.
"I'm honestly sick of yuki's anger issues, i prefer your calmer demeanor" pierre confessed in results got hit upside the head by an offended yuki "it's not my fault you're a shit player"
"I'M NOT" the two bickered by themselves back and forth.
"i just love your laugh so much if i had to be honest here" daniel voiced over the two with a wide grin on his face like always "it's contagious"
"it's true you're the only one who keeps me entertained during meetings" max jumped in "passing eachother notes is what's keeping me going"
"you're the funniest person I've ever met, you have no idea how much i randomly laugh through out the day when i remember you" George chuckled at his own comment, you felt your heart flutter hearing all of their compliments. You had no idea of the huge impact you had on their lives and it awakened a feeling in you, filling an empty spot you've been trying to cover up. You forgot all about your attempt and you found yourself caving in after hearing what you really meant to people you'd thought would never take interest. You were yoo quick to judge with your overthinking you never realize how much you mean to someone until it's shown.
"everyone has a purpose in life, and you definitely have a purpose in ours" oscar spoke again and hums of agreements filled the air.
"and trust us no one's perfect, we've all had our tough times and dark days but that doesn't mean they won't pass. Maybe you won't be okay now even after opening up to us, but we're here to tell you that it will be okay by time and we'll stay to help and take care of you no matter what. You have people that love you and that's what matters, you're not alone with us" lando continued after. Endless tears rolled down your cheeks.
"i love you guys so much" your voice cracked as you opened your arms again for naother groupe hug. You allowed the warmness to engulf you again and for once you felt full and heard. They were like your dopamine and genuine joy filled your heart, you'd waited so much for someone to come and save you and pull you up from the black hole you fell in a long time ago. They've been infront of you this whole time, what you've needed and they pulled you up back to your feet you'd thought was impossible.
Countless i love you too's were heard and you guys stayed in each other's embrace on the floor for a while until a grumbling sound was heard and you all pulled away and looked at charles.
"what, I'm hungry" he starred blankly at all of us for a few minutes and you all broke out in laughter.
"I'm up for some sushi" carlos exclaimed before smiling mischievously at lando who gave him the middle finger.
"I'm happy where i am, thank you" lando excused himself from carlos.
"in" they all said in unison making lando scoff at their betrayal
"and we'll have ice-cream after that" lewis childishly clapped his hands together then yuki and pierre high-fived eachother.
"last person who leaves the room has to pay! " the minute max shouted the challenge all of you bolted out of the room leaving charles behind who seemed to have the processing of an old computer.
"OH COME ON" his whining was heard from afar before he himself bolted out of the room behind you. Carlos ran over to you and layed his arm across your shoulder bringing you to his side as lando did the same to the other and soon it became a small chain of arms linked together, all of them smiling at you.
"so who's driving" George asked aloud and oscar was quick to jump "i am!"
"no i am" pierre puffed out his chest infront of Oscar .
"I'm driving" lewis randomly threw in the conversation, taking the car keys and ran. Pierre and oscar ran after him screaming nonsense.
"I CALL SHOTGUN" yuki shouted running along with them. "NO I'M SHOTGUN" max ran after him.
" me and y/n call dibs in charge of the playlists" lando rose his hand, linking it in yours with a wide smile.
"HEY CHARLES, LAN" both boys turned towards carlos who had a wide grin on his face "RACE YOU TO THE CAR" carlos bolted across the paddock followed by charles and lando leaving you alone with daniel.
Daniel offered you his arm to link it with his and you gladly took it with a soft smile.
"shall we?" he asked in a rich accent which failed him miserably, making you laugh.
"we shall"
You smiled as you watched all of them happily bonding and running along after eachother. Maybe things will be okay after all.
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To whoever you are on the opposite side of the screen, i love you. ❤️