(A/n: As always, nothing is original. They are borrowed from various TV shows, online jokes, other shows etc)
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Debbie: *handing a glass of juice* Taste this
Tammy: *Takes the glass and tastes the drink*
Tammy: Eww it's awful. What's the matter with it?
Debbie: It's expired
Tammy: WHA-
Debbie: But sometimes it's still good after the date. I just wanted to check.
***
Debbie: *gets tired after 30 minutes of vigorous exercise*
Debbie: I never felt this way before. I am tired. For the first time in my life I feel I am over 40.
Lou: You know why that is honey?
Debbie: Why?
Lou: Because you are over 50
***
Daphne: *Fully dressed in a beautiful gown, ready for red carpet*
Daphne: See ya later guys
Rose: *sees Daphne forgetting her sponsored high-end purse*
Rose: Daphne, honey, aren't you forgetting something?
Daphne: Oh no, I never wear underwear
Rose: *shocked* WHA-
***
Constance: I got gifts for you
Lou, Debbie and Daphne: Well how nice of you
Debbie: *opens her gift* This is so lovely... and so familiar. This is my turtle-neck. I thought the cleaner lost it
Constance: I told you the cleaner lost it. I took it. I needed something to go with my black leather jacket-
Lou: *opening her gift and sees the black leather jacket* This is MY black leather jacket
Constance: I know. It goes great with-
Daphne: MY BOOTS! *holding the pair of boots that was inside the gift box*
***
Tammy: Here is the swear jar. Every time someone swears, they'll have to put a dollar in it. That'll teach you all a lesso-
Lou: *puts 100 dollars inside the jar* Here cunt! That should bloody cover me for 5 fucking minutes I reckon
***
Lou: Deborah Ocean you can go to H-E-double hockey sticks!
Debbie: Double hockey sticks? Can't you just curse like you usually do?
Lou: I could but Tammy's kids are here.
***
Tammy: You know what strength is? It is forgiving someone who wasn't even sorry
Lou: No offence and I respect your opinion but I'll rather die
***
Constance: *drunk* Guys, did you know, snakes have this thing called a hemipenis. It means they have two dicks
Debbie: *drunk* Lou has two dicks too. One in her night-stand drawer and one in her personality
***
Constance: What accent does Lou thinks in? Is it her pure Australian accent or the adulterated accent?
Tammy: Whenever she is reading, it is pure Australian accent. So, she might think in Aussie accent too
Daphne: She lived here so long. I assume she thinks in American-mixed-Australian. What say, Debbie? You know her the most. What accent does Lou thinks in?
Debbie: Bold of you guys to assume she thinks
***
Rose: Okay, if you took a shot every time you made a bad decision in your life, how drunk would you be?
Amita: Tipsy I guess
Tammy: I would be drunk
Lou: 100% Wasted
Debbie: Dead
***
Lou: What was your first impression with Mr. and Mrs. Ocean?
Tess: Oh, it was wonderful. Mr. Ocean was so kind and supportive while Mrs. Ocean absolutely loved me! They said I am the daughter they never had!
Debbie: WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY SAY!
Lou: They said Tess was the daughter they never had. Focus, Debs
***
Tammy: As your best friend-
Debbie: Lou is my best friend. You are 2nd-
Tammy: AS YOUR BEST FRIEND-
***
Debbie: *trying to get the laptop to switch on* Blasted thing won't even switch on!
Tammy: *sarcastic* Yeah, it's hard to believe pressing the same button over and over isn't yielding any results
Debbie: I am the boss! It is not my job to know how to operate it. That's what an assistant is for. Lou, come over here and switch on this laptop
Lou: I'm not your servant, Ocean
Debbie: Oh we'll see about that...
***
Tammy: I left Nine and Constance to look after my house for two hours while I am out and they dumped three pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy
Lou:
Lou: Did it work?
***
Debbie: Lou and I are dating
Everyone: *gasping*
Debbie: Lou, I get the others but why the fuck are you surprised!
***
Tammy: Sorry, I didn't think you could keep a secret
Lou: I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of your secrets!
Debbie: What secrets?
Lou: Oh no, no Debbie. I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper
Debbie: *whispering* You'll tell me later?
Lou: *whispering back* You already know
***
*Daphne moving to Europe for a year to shoot a new show*
Tammy: Can't believe I am saying this but Daphne, we all miss you
Daphne: You guys are my best friends and I love you all
Amita: I can't believe what it's gonna be like without you around
Daphne: I know. I've been the sun that you seven revolve around
Debbie: That's it. Get out
***
Lou: *hungover* Uh... why is there a crack in my phone screen?
Debbie: Last night you drunkenly set your phone to air-plane mode, then threw it in the air and kept shouting 'Fly you damn thing!'
***
Tammy: I just believe that everything happens for a reason
Lou: Sometimes the reason is that you are stupid and you make bad decisions
***
Tammy: So, did Debbie apologise?
Lou: She said something but I am not sure whether it was an apology or not
Tammy: What did she say?
Lou: She said, and I quote, 'I am sorry, but it was your mistake'
***
Lou: When I say February, what is the first thing that comes to your mind?
Debbie: That whoever figured out a month with only 28 days when the rest have 30 or 31 was worse at math than you are
Lou: I was hoping you would say 'Valentine's day' but I guess that was a long shot
***
Lou: *being romantic* Tell me whatever you want me to do to you, baby
Debbie: *not looking up from her magazine* pour me a glass of whiskey? Also, make sure to close the door when you leave
***
Random girl: *on phone* Hey Lou? This is Jennifer, Daphne's friend. I took your number out of her phone when she wasn't looking. I just... wanted to... get to know you. You are... so interesting
Lou: Hello Jennifer. Here's a list of people who will die if Debbie finds this out: You, me, Daphne, the girl at the store who sold me this phone, the guy who designed this phone and the guy who owns the mobile phone company. So, this ain't worth the conversation. Have a good day and delete my number
***
Daphne: You talk as if us Americans don't understand your English. We have better word for every crazy word you say. Bloke? No, it's a man. Lift? Nah, it's better as elevator. What do you even mean by cyclone? It is hurricane.
Lou: You have a better version than us?
Daphne: Yes we do. We are Americans. We have everything best
Lou: Okay then. In Australia, we have a term called Universal health care. I challenge you to give a better 'American' version
***
Amita: *watching Adele's Set fire to the rain on TV*
Constance: *changes the channel to watch SpongeBob SquarePants*
Amita: Hey! I was watching Adele!
Constance: I want to watch SpongeBob
Amita: Adele! Literally Adele! It's FIRE TO THE RAIN! Your SpongeBob can't top that!
Constance: Adele might set fire to the rain. But SpongeBob can make a campfire underwater
***
Constance: Okay, let's see who can answer. Tammy, 6 cities in 6 seconds
Tammy: Uh okay New York city, LA, Boston, uh... Atlantic city, Las Vega-
Constance: *incorrectly tracking the time* Time's up. Amita, 6 flowers in 6 seconds
Amita: Roses, Lilies, tulips, orchids... uh...
Constance: Time's up. Damn, you guys are so slow. Debbie, your turn. 6 animals in 6 seconds
Debbie: *smirking* 6 cats
***
*Constance watching TV in Lou's club storage*
Lou: Constance, what are you doing here? I told you to watch the office while I was gone!
Constance: I am watching the office. It's season 5 playing right now
***
*Tammy teaching Debbie how to do laundry*
Tammy: ... And you then fold it. Debbie? Do you want me to repeat?
Debbie: You don't have to repeat. I was ignoring you the first time
***