"... I thought you really loved me" is a sentence that got stuck in my head all night. I hate myself because I failed her. I wake up looking at the new scars I have on my arms and look at the ceiling, knowing that things probably won't get better.
My head feels heavy, so my body is. I feel so exhausted even if I didn't do anything.
Vicky didn't text me all night even if I sent her messages, she left me in seen. We are still together, she didn't say she wants to break up or anything.
I want to do something about it. To get out of my comfort zone, just to prove to her that I really love her, so I'm ready to sacrifice. I'm opening snap, and see her location.
She's at the mall. I know what to do.
I'm getting up, feeling nauseous. I pick random clothes in my wardrobe and take a mint gum. My mom is in the kitchen, cooking and she sees me.
"Are you going out again?" she asks.
"Yeah"
She frowns her eyebrows, crossing her arms.
"You are still seeing her, don't you?"
"Who are you talking about?" I definitely know who.
"Vicky."
It would be useless to lie about this, because she would find out anyway.
"Yeah, why?"
"You know I don't like her. She has bad manners, Alexei. Have higher standards."
"Please mom, don't start to choose who I am dating. I know you don't, but she's still my girlfriend. And her presence makes me feel good."
It's pretty rare that I talk back this way to my mom, but I get annoyed easily.
"You didn't seem happier yesterday when you came back."
"Mom... please."
Arguing is not going to fix anything. I think I'm old enough to chose who I'm with and I do not handle people judging my partner.
I get outside, leaving my mom cooking in the kitchen. My dad is mowing the lawn, and he raise his head to look at me.
Not looking at me, but staring at my eyes. He has his look of hatred. He isn't moving, either keeping on mowing the lawn. He's just staring. It looks like I can see how bad he hates me only with his eyes. I stare him back, walking away, feeling a little bit uncomfortable.
Yeah, my dad has the same routine as the last three months. He sleeps in the guest room and avoid me every single day. That's not what a dad should do.
The bus is arriving, and I get in. I'm feeling stressed, and still empty. That emptiness in my body is never leaving me, no matter what day it is, if there is something positive happening in my life. It never leaves.
She's still at the mall, according to Snapchat. I really don't know how she'll react seeing me. But I'm ready to do what she wants me to do.
I'm going to buy her flowers, withe flowers. Her favourite chocolates as well, those strawberry and withe chocolate Lindts. And I'm going to tell her "Vicky, I'm going to make love with you."
I can't lose her.
That's it, I found everything. The bouquet I had in my mind, and the chocolates. It costed around forty dollars, it's okay.
I'm searching for her everywhere, walking and paying attention to everyone's face. I see a girl with mid long blond hair, but when she turns her head I see that her eyes are light blue. It's not her.
I'm trying to look around her favourite places, like Lululemon, Garage, Aritzia... I still don't see her.
I'm feeling discouraged, honestly, but I know she's still in here. I hope she'll be happy seeing what I'm holding in my hands, even if she's hard to satisfy sometimes.
Fifteen minutes later, I spot her sitting on one of the colourful benches of Qwelli. I should have thought of that place, she loves gelato more than anything.
It's easy to recognize her with her always tied up hair and silver jewelry. I never saw her not wearing them once. I am almost running to win her heart again, but...
She's with my friend, Marco. They are making out, in front of me.
"It's not what you think!" Vicky was jumping when she saw me in front of her.
I feel so hurt, that it's as if my heart is being ripped, burnt, tortured, and beat inside of me. I am feeling so hurt that it's as if the world is ending for me. There is nothing that could exactly explain how hurt I'm feeling.
"Let's just tell him the truth, Vicky."
I'm still standing in front of them two, holding the flowers with my right hand and the chocolates in the other hand.
"What truth?" I say, still not wanting to believe what im looking at.
"Well, Vicky texted me yesterday-"
I don't want to hear any of his explanations, actually. The only reason why he is doing this is because he is a betrayer, disgusting and backstabbing friend.
"Go fuck yourself, Marc Antoine. You were one of my closest friend, and now I'm just realizing that you are a cheater for your own girlfriend and you are a disgusting human being. Couldn't you see that I loved her?"
"Alexei..." he tries to calm me down.
"Oh no, shut up!", I am throwing the flowers at him and slapping his face with the box of withe chocolates, so strong that his cheek is now red.
I leave them both, throwing a last glance at Vicky.I now hate her, but still am in love with her.
The mall is now a place that I won't ever put my feet in anymore, so I'm reaching the exit, tears wetting my eyes so bad that my vision is now blurry.
I'm starting to cry, screaming of pain leaning against the mall, where it's silent, calm and no one is staying there. I'm feeling so weak, I hate this.
I think I never cried that much in my entire teenage years, because I normally am never crying. I struggle breathing, and I think I could fill more than one glass with my tears. My crying is so ugly, and my screams sounds intense. It's embarrassing. So embarrassing. All of this because of this girl. This girl I thought could permit me having a slight hope in this world, that I was struggling finding bright colours in.
Why would she do that...? I know I have not been good enough for her, I might not have deserved her, but I was ready to sacrifice everything.
"Alexei?" A gang of boys are walking past me. They probably recognized me, even behind my probably red eyes and swollen face.
I am avoiding them, now walking to the other side of the streets.
"Hey hey hey... What is going on?" A boy is reaching my shoulder with his hand.
"Nothing!" I turn to see his face. He's a friend of mine, Mathias,with our friend group behind that I've been losing contacts with. I'm feeling so ashamed to look like this in front of him.
"Why are you crying?" He asks me, with the rest of the guys intrigued by my face.
"It's nothing. I'll go home now."
"Not so fast..." He insists. "The boys are coming over to my house tonight, and since you are in such a state, I am thinking you could stay with us. It will make you feel better, trust me."
"No, I'm okay. I need space right now."
"Just come with us", the boys are smiling at me, maybe to maintain our friendship.
I still have so many tears left, but I don't want to start crying again in front of them, it'll make me look vulnerable. I want to go home, but they don't let me.
"Fine, I'll go with you guys."