The last few weeks have flown by. Judy and Allison and Tom's mom all took days off to help get everything ready.
I was second guessing my choice for the location, but Tom told me not to worry about it if it was bad weather we could move it inside, but we looked at the weather forecast for that day and it was supposed to be great weather. Actually not to hot, in the 70s.
Tom took off and went with me to the bakery to taste test, and said he was fine with the flowers and everything else that I picked out.
I told Tom if he wanted to go have a real bachelor's party with the guys he could, but he said that he didn't, and besides didn't think that my father and Jay would approve. He didn't want to upset them.
It was the week of the wedding, and I was totally stressing out, and snapping at Tom. Tom was feeling the pressure as well, and snapped at me right back. We got into a few small arguments. Really small ones. Like over what we wanted to have for supper, things like that. We were both feeling the pressure of soon having our wedding date be here. I knew that Tom did not want to get married, and after one of the nights where we fought, and he snapped at me, I told him I was sorry that he was in this mess because of me and then he said no we are in it because of him and his big mouth. So we argued about that. Silly argument.
I was saying how it was my fault because Tom was trying to help make Kris feel bad for me, but Tom said it was his fault he said it to piss Rob off, then I said well it was my fault that instead of being fake engaged like Tom planned, my dad, aunt, and his mom bought that dress. Tom finally told me he didn't want to argue with me, that we were both feeling the pressure, neither of us planned on this happening, when we agreed to do a fake engagement, there was never supposed to be a wedding.
Tom said that he doesn't want to back out of it, thinks that is not an option, but he needs to make sure that I am ok with marrying him, because he doesn't want me to back out at the last minute and leave him standing there looking like a fool. I told him I'd never do that. He said good then it's agreed we are getting married.
Tom decided we should just stop talking about the wedding plans, and just try and go have a night out where we can just relax. He ordered Chinese food for us and then made us drinks. We decided to go for a swim. It did help ease the pressure we both were feeling. After several drinks.
Friday arrived, and the plan was for Tom to stay at Jay's house, my dad was going to stay the night as well, and they were just going to have lots of food, beer, and any of the guys that Tom wanted to invite. They were going to shoot pool, and shoot hoops outside, my dad was going to barbecue, and then my aunt and Allison made all kinds of food for them to have.
While us girls all stayed at my dad's house, with food, desserts, and drinks, and we were just going to eat, talk, watch movies, listen to music and have fun.
My Aunt Jackie was really wanting Kris to be invited to my girls night, so I told her it was ok. Tom and Jay both told me that I should have told her no. Tom said that he didn't want Rob there with the guys and he figured Rob would not want to be there.
My aunt means well, but she upset me, because one of the things she wanted to do was watch the video of my mom and dad and their beautiful wedding. She thought since we were honoring their anniversary and wedding day by getting married on that day it would be a good thing for us to watch. It hurt seeing my mom so happy and their wedding was just so beautiful. She was a beautiful bride, and my dad a handsome groom.
Margaret then said that she brought wedding video of her and Tom's dad's wedding, so we watched that as well.
At the men's party my dad gave a little speech, again welcoming Tom to the family, saying he was proud to call him a son in law, just don't hurt my little girl. Jay welcomed him. Jay had invited his friends to the party. The guys had a good time, drinking, and enjoying the night. Doug and Harry and even Booker all gave speeches about Tom, all three saying they never thought they would see this day.
At my party, Margaret did the same, giving a little speech, welcoming me to the family. Saying that she could not have picked a better woman for her son, and how happy she was that Tom had me, and said Tom's dad would have loved me. Her speech made me feel emotional and made me cry. His mom has been so sweet to me, and I feel bad for lying to her.
Judy asked if I wanted to take a walk with her get some fresh air, so I was glad to get out of the house for a little bit.
We walked Amari. We were a couple blocks away, and sat on the benches at the little park. Amari was having fun playing in the grass.
I said, "Judy thank you for everything you have done helping me, and for getting me out of the house."
She said, "you are very welcome, and I figured you needed to get away."
I burst out into tears.
Judy hugged me.
I said, "I'm sorry. It's just I'm really feeling bad. Like I'm letting my mom down. My aunt goes on about how my mom wanted me to have a dream wedding, a beautiful wedding like hers."
Judy said, "honey your wedding is going to be beautiful just like hers."
I said, "But that's just it, it's not really. I mean yes our wedding will be beautiful, but we aren't real, I feel like she is disappointed in me, for letting my dad spend this kind of money on a wedding that isn't even real. I mean it is going to be in name only. Tom doesn't love me like that. He's not in love. He never will be."
She said, "Sydney I think he is in love with you."
I said, "Then why hasn't he told me?"
She said, "maybe he's scared too, or maybe he's in denial, or maybe you're right, maybe he just loves you as a friend right now, but you are going to marry him, become his wife.If he's not in love now, I think he will be."
I said, "he's feeling so much pressure, we have fought all week, over silly things."
She said, "I know he's been losing his temper at work too, with the guys, and once even with me. But that's natural. Don't worry about it Sydney. Things will go smooth tomorrow. Everything is perfect, and ready."
I said, "Judy I feel so bad for lying to Margaret. she's been so sweet to me, and she's so excited. If she knew that this was all fake, that Tom does not want to get married. She would be so hurt, and probably think I am such a bad person." She said, "no she would be hurt, but she would not be upset with you. Sydney you are in love with her son. And she is right, you are the best woman for Tom. Everyone who knows Tom, who has worked with Tom, can see the difference you being in his life. You love him so much right." I said, "yes, more than I even thought I could love."
She said, "it's all going to work out the way it's supposed to be. If you two are supposed to be in love, and a real couple, it will work out that way. If not, then you will be married, and best friends. There is real love between you and Tom. Respect, Love, Admiration, you make a great team at work and outside of work. You both defend each other and have each other's back. I know it hurts to think that you are in love and he's not, but Sydney just try and not dwell on that. I do think he is in love. If he's not now, then I think he will be. It may just take him some time to figure that out. But you have a bond with him, everyone can see that, and you will have the time, maybe for you to have it turn from friends to real love."
Judy said, "Sydney are you thinking about telling Tommy before the wedding that you are in love with him."
I said, "I want to. Just because I hate keeping it from him, he trusts me, and I feel almost like I"m deceiving him, by not telling him how I truly feel. But he's under so much pressure, I mean for a man who never thought he would get married, to now be having to get married, I just don't know what to do. I don't want to upset him, and make him mad, right before the wedding. I've debated about whether I should tell him before, but I just think it's better if he doesn't know, and then after we are married, and our life goes back to normal, maybe I can sit down with him, and tell him. I don't want him to feel bad about it, or have him feel like he is hurting me. It's my own fault, that I fell in love with him".
Over with Tom:
Tom was feeling a little sick. Doug noticed he looked a little bad, and asked him if he wanted to go get some air. Doug, and Harry went outside with Tom. They walked to Tom's car. Harry said, "Hanson why don't we get in you car for a minute, so we can talk." They did.
Doug said, "you don't look so good how are you holding up?"
Harry said, "I can't believe that you are getting married tomorrow."
Doug shot Harry a look. He said, "you're not helping."
Tom said, "I can't believe it either. I just feel bad, I mean Sydney's dad, and her brother are so nice to me, throwing me this party, saying all those nice things, making me a member of their family, if they knew that Sydney and I weren't real. They would hate me."
Doug said, "Hanson you're in love with her right." Harry said, "And you want her to be your wife right"
Tom said, "yes I love her, I do want her."
Doug said, "Then don't worry about it. I think that you and Sydney are meant to be together."
Harry said, "I think so too, and it may take time, but you have the time, you are going to be husband and wife, married, you have the time to get her to fall in love with you." Tom said, "I hope so, I hate the thought of her giving up her dreams, just to help me. I don't even really want the job now, I did want that job because I thought that work was my life, but now Sydney is my life."
Doug said, "Hanson are you going to tell her you are in love, that you want her to be yours for real?"
Tom said, "I want to. But every time I think about doing it, I decide that now isn't the time. I mean she is feeling so much pressure with this wedding, it kind of became like this huge event, over 500 in attendance, and I don't want to add any more pressure to her. I don't want her to feel like she needs to think she has to love me if she doesn't, or I don't want her to feel bad, knowing her as upset as she already is, if she feels bad that she's not in love with me, and knows I'm in love, she will cry even more."
It was midnight. Amari and I were in my bed.
My phone rang.
I took it off my little nightstand, and looked and saw that it was Tom.
I felt a little apprehensive about answering it, I mean what if it's bad news. What if he is telling me he can't go through with it? What will I do? How will I explain it without looking like a fool? This wedding is going to be huge. I mean I didn't want a big wedding, but Allison wanted to invite her friends, and then her friends were bringing their dates, and Jays friends were all coming, ones from high school, ones from college, ones he has made after he became a lawyer, then my dad's friends. Then there is Tom's friends, our work friends, Margaret's friends, friends of Tom's dad. Joe and Lila invited their friends Joe invited all of the officers at the downtown command center. This wedding is going to be at least 500. If not more. Which is just shocking to me, and overwhelming. Adding to the pressure. So what happens if Tom can't go through with it.
I answered, "hey Hanson."
Tom said, "I'm sorry, I didn't wake you did I?"
He sounded like he had a few beers He didn't sound drunk, but he sounded a little buzzed.
I said, "no I'm not asleep. Amari and I are in bed."
There was silence. Making me feel almost sick. Panicking almost with the thought of his next words.
Tom said, "I just called to check on you"
I said, "is your party still going on I guess." I could hear the guys yelling, making noise.
Tom said, "yeah I guess. I'm upstairs though. I'm in bed."
There was silence.
Tom said, "how was your party?"
I said, "Good."
Tom said, "Good, did you have fun?"
I said, "yes, how was your party"
Tom said, "it was fun. Not as wild as what Booker would want, but I think all the guys had a good time"
I said, "it sounds like they are still having a good time."
Tom laughed. He said, "yeah sounds like it."
Tom said, "Sydney"
There was silence. But when he said my name there was like an unspoken word in there, like maybe it's in my head, but it sounded like he was saying it with so much emotion."
I said, "yes Tommy."
He said, "nothing, I guess we better hang up, since we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow."
I said, "yeah we should try and get some sleep."
Tom said, "yeah so how do we do that? I mean sleep, when the biggest day of our lives is tomorrow."
I said, " I don't know."
Tom said, "I can't believe we are getting married tomorrow."
I said, "I know. I'm trying not to freak out, but Tommy I can't believe how many people are coming, it's like Allison, and my dad, and aunt and brother all went crazy on the invite list. I don't I can hardly breathe. Standing up there, walking down the aisle in front of that many people. Is scaring me."
Tom said, "I know it's crazy to think all those people are going to be there and watching us. But we can not breathe together ok. We are in this together Sydney. It will be ok. And just look at me when you walk down the aisle with your dad ok. Don't worry about the crowd."
Tom said, "I'll let you go. Give Amari a kiss for me."
I said, "I will. Tommy."
He said, "yes."
I said, "Thank you for calling."
He said, "Sure, I just wanted to say goodnight"
I said, "Goodnight Tommy."
Tom said, "um Sydney."
I said, "yes."
He was silent, it seemed like hours, but it was just a couple minutes. I wasn't sure if he was still on the line.
Tom said, "Sydney I just wanted to thank you for doing this. I know I created this mess."
Those words made me cry. I didn't want him to know I was crying, so I tried to not let him know.
Our wedding day, and he calls it a mess.
Tom said, "Syd you there?"
I said, "yes Tommy. Sorry I was making sure Amari isn't on the edge of the bed."
Tom said, "I will never be able to thank you. I mean probably any other girl would have refused to help me, when Joe first gave me the job. It means more than you know Sydney. So thank you."
I said, "Tommy."
He said, "you don't have to say anything. We better try to get some sleep huh."
I said, "yes."
Tom said, "Sydney, I'll call you in the morning ok, after I get up, but if you need me just call me ok." I said, "ok Tommy. Goodnight."
He said, "night."
We hung up. I was petting Amari. I said, "Tomorrow I am going to be Mrs. Thomas Hanson." Tom's words replaying in my mind he thinks our wedding is just a mess. What should be the happiest day of my life, my wedding to an amazing, beautiful man, is just a mess. A mistake. I feel bad like I'm a bad person, like I'm trapping him almost. I mean I'm not, but he's not in love yet I am. I cried the rest of the night. Until I managed to fall asleep.