Dear diary,
So I have felt very on and off today. Was alright in the morning. Didn't have an appetite to eat anything. Oh I also told my mum I was with A yesterday and he fixed the car but didn't tell dad
Placement was placement. Mainly did ECGs.
Have to be in the department I'm at 8:30 tomorrow so it means I have to get there extra early 😩 it'll take me 30 mins to find the department itself, it's such a big hospital 😩 20 min walk for free parking💀 urghhh
I met tash after , watched the nun 2. We ALMOST had the whole cinema to ourselves but two other woman sat in the row in front of us .
I got a meal deal from Morrisons, a halloumi wrap, they're my fave rn, packer of crisps and a drink. I ate the rest of the wrap when I got home. Didn't finish the packet of crisps and finished my Starbucks drink. I also got there cool cookie brownie thing. I took a bite in the cinema but felt too full so I had the rest of that brownie after my food when I came home.
I had this debilitating headache in the cinema it was quite painful and it started at the bridge of my nose which I've never had before.
Watching horror films with tash is so funny. She gets just as scared as me and we react the same to jump scares 😂 we held hands and we accidentally hit each other when the jump scares come on.
It wasn't a good film but fuck me I got scared a few times and we both covered our faces. There was this scene when the "goat devil" escapes the stained glass window and it comes running down the stairs and it freaked me out. I HATE being chased literally even a game of TAG, will freak me out so it's like my worst nightmare lol.
We were leaving and then after the credit scene it was like the end of the film that shows there's a part two, and it came out of no where and it went pitch black and a phone in the film started ringing but because we weren't expecting it, it scared us so much 😂
I felt quite sick after I ate food. A called after, spoke to him. I can't tell if he genuinely thinks I'm not eating food to lose weight cos that's insane. I don't wanna lose weight, I wanna gain😂 when I tell you I literally cannot stomach anything. Even right now I feel like I'm gonna be sick cos it feels like I ate way too much. It's not a nice feeling.
I do think my appetite is getting worse. Like it's getting to the point where I could happily go the entire day not eating and I won't even realise. Not sure why it's suddenly got like this.
Looks like covid is going around again. One of my friends tested positive, she got it from work. Tbh I think I had it the other week I felt awful but I think it was the new strain of the virus or something so it came up as negative. Idk if that's a thing.
Also I've seen TikTok's of UK spiders this year all over my TikTok lately and I was thinking surely not. Well we just found a big spider in our house and now I'm too scared to sleep with my window open :( I also left something outside cos I was sat outside when my mum called me to see the spider and she chucked the spider out and I'm too scared to go outside.
Tbh I don't really feel that good right now. I've got weird pains and feel extremely tired. I actually have felt nauseous all evening now I can't lie. My headache has been on and off.
I genuinely think I'm gonna be sick. Gonna try sleep. Don't feel that great tonight
Take iron tablets.
Be up early too but it's an early finish tomorrow
I've got this pain in my chest when I breathe like a lingering pain. Tightness . It feels new . Maybe it's cos I ate more
Good night diary😭
20:44 pm
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So I wrote this the other day when I went cinema with tash.
It's now Thursday 14th September morning.
My nose bled during the night, I woke up with dried blood. It bled again about half n hour ago.
I feel nauseous today and sick and my eyes/vision feel funny and I can taste blood. I've got a horrible headache today too. Debating taking painkillers. My chest feels fine and doesn't hurt, maybe it was just that one off the other night. I kinda feel SOB but can't really tell.
Yesterdays placement was really interesting I'm so glad I forced myself to go cos I really didn't feel good yesterday. I got there early, parked my car, and got there early to walk down twenty mins and find the right building I'm meant to be in. That's how early I woke up and left my house when I was feeling awful, if that's not dedication then idk what is.
I was with the tissue viability team and at first I was dreading it cos I had to do some pre reading which I didn't do and I didn't know what to expect but I was with this woman called Claire and she was SO nice. She was like oh I wasn't expecting you to come in because the person in charge of our placements this year knows I've not been feeling well so she let Claire know in advance I might not come in (even tho I texted Jess telling her I'd be in).
Anyways she was really lovely and we had 11 pt to see which doesn't sound like a lot but it took hours and we didn't even finish seeing the 11 pt cos it went over time.
We started off from top floor like floor 8 or something and made our way down (using stairs, so I was really tired by the end of the day ngl)
It was a teaching day about wound dressings and pressure ulcers but on God I haven't seen wounds like that before in my entire life.
So the first pt was a boy, think he was like 6 years old so we went to paeds and it was very mentally challenging for me. Yesterday in general was a very difficult day for me in all aspects. I think he had a few disabilities and my heart aches for him. I made a silent prayer for him and I actually had tears in my eyes. I cried after when I was alone.
The next pt was one that will stick with me. He was an almost elderly man. And he had a MASSIVE pressure ulcer on his butt. Now when I tell you, his entire butt was gone. You could see his muscles and honestly a little further and you might have been able to see organs. It had gotten to his bones. It was insane I've never seen anything like it. I helped dress the wound. He had some necrotic tissue before I think but there was signs of it healing. I liked that Claire got me involved a lot. I helped with a lot yesterday and learned loads. It smelt really bad and I know they can't help it bless them but it made me feel even worse. That's when my nose bled in front of them and I had to go and sit down. They told me not to move but I felt like I was missing out on really good learning experience so I sat down for five mins, then a PA who I worked with last academic year saw me and started talking to me and then I saw chocolate in the staff room and cos I hadn't ate anything, I had a bite of the chocolate (I didn't like it and threw the rest away) and made my way back to the pt. Bless the pt he asked me if I was okay and I said yeah but in my head I was thinking I should be asking you if you're okay, you're flesh and tissues are gone!
I won't go through all the pt. There was one floor we were on and a female elderly pt was trying to escape. So we had to hold the doors shut and make sure no one accidentally opened the door for her to get out. She followed me around on wards and asked me for the key to get out and I had to make up a story and be like idk where the key is I'm lost too. I felt really bad for her though.
I think it was on that same ward we saw an elderly male pt and he immediately goes "isn't it against your religion to see male genitalia?" But he said it in a very sassy attitude tone. I was like no ifs part of my job. But I smiled when I said it and then Claire backed me up. Afterwards she goes I didn't like what he said to you and I said yeh same. She said I was about to tell him off and say that is in appropriate but I wanted to see what you'd say first and then go off what you'd say and I thanked her. She's in her 40s but she was so kind I could easily be her friend and go out with her lol I got on so well with her.
With racism, you tend to learn who says things in a racist way or who is genuinely asking. Once you've been exposed to racism your entire life, you catch onto these things. It's what happens unfortunately. He seemed very grumpy I was there when I was only trying to help treat his wound. Oh well
Then there was this creepy guy who talk to me and grabbed my lanyard. Claire had gone to make a phone call and it was only me there and he came up to me and started asking who I am and what my name is and he was all up in my face and I'm looking around like uhhh is anyone else seeing this?? He was a HCA, and brown , looked Pakistani or Indian. He then grabbed my lanyard to take my name and things and I stepped away and was like I gotta go.
I wasn't even doing anything I was just stood there.
Claire kept checking if I was okay, at one point she said I'm worried for you, you don't look well, you look tired . She was like sorry if I Keep asking if you're okay and I was like no no it's fine haha. She thanked me for coming a lot cos she knew I wasn't well, and I thanked her cos she got me involved and was really helpful. I'm very happy I went and it was a one to one learning experience.
I stopped at two different service stations on the drive back home. I felt so nauseous yesterday and short of breath and I think the wards didn't help with how I was feeling either.
I ate something at the Costa in the hospital after I was done. And then I went home. I can't remember if I had anything else when I was home. Oh I had a bit of fruit like avocados and grapes and stuff but not a lot.
I woke up this morning not feeling the best as I wrote earlier in this diary entry. I tried to eat so A wouldn't have a go at me if he asks later. I had two brownie pieces and a cup of non dairy milk. And now I'm really full. I could do with a hot drink tho. I just feel really low today, like low energy. I just want to chill. I don't feel good and my headache feels like it's getting worse and worse and the same with my nausea.
My headache is worse now and my nose just bled. I have so much on my mind. I had a little cry earlier. I am going through a lot and I feel like I don't really have anyone to tell, mainly cos I don't want them to know. I'm crying as I type this. I'm allowed to cry. I actually haven't cried much with this whole thing.
Anyways.
I'm gonna take some medication.
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So it's bang on 20:00pm now.
I went for a walk earlier, needed to clear my head a bit. I didn't feel that well but decided to go out anyways. I went down the golf course and a group of boys further behind me were screaming and yelling and I didn't wanna turn around cos I thought they were just messing about with each other and then next thing you know, a golf ball lands next to me on my left, I realised they were yelling for me to turn around lol.
My chest started to hurt again on the walk. It's a new type of pain I haven't felt before. I know I probably shouldn't be over doing it right now but that's not to say I can't go for a walk. I really enjoyed it as well actually. It's one of my fave places to go when I have a lot on my mind. When it's not wet, I sit on the grass and just stare at the view.
There were a lot of golfers today tho but they were all really friendly.
It started raining and wallah I was so happy it's not hot anymore. I loved it. Felt so refreshing. My eyes went black a few times. It went with my mum around and I had to hold onto her. I think that might be due to not eating much or due to anemia, or just due to something else. I really don't know at this point.
My nose has bled all day today. It stopped after my walk.
I wanted to go karting with A. I've asked him go karting for ages, we've never went. I wouldn't mind going with B. Or an escape room would be cool. Just anything really.
I just got the urge to go karting. I enjoy it it's fun.
Tash checked up on me today. My mum checked up on me yesterday when I was at placement to see if I felt okay
One of the nurses at work has texted me to see if I'm okay today, like out of nowhere and I thought that was so kind of her
I told tash I won't be going into hospital they won't be doing anything. I was really tired so I ended up having a nap earlier to try and feel a little better too. But I woke up kinda feeling the same. I didn't take any medication for how I was feeling . Was gonna take painkillers for my headache but I didn't take any in the end.
Iehab called me after walk when she finished work.
Even now I've got slight pains. I had pasta for dinner and I made myself a hot drink after. Was surprised I ate food. Maybe cos I know my body really needed it today.
I can't lie I still don't feel the best. Have felt off today. I'm really worried I won't make it but I'm praying it's not cancer. Anything but that. I can't do it. I can't do that to my family either. I can't do it to the people around me. I can't do it myself. Can you believe I've actually started to think about having a hair cut, if it is cancer, so I don't have to go through losing all my hair if I have to do treatment. These are the things I think about when I feel ill. I'm praying it's nothing.
Diary, only you know how I truly feel...
It's my sisters bday tomorrow. It's midnight there in an hour , so I'll wish her happy birthday as 9pm UK time.
I think I might have an early night if I feel as bad as I did in the morning. I've been watching top boy. I'm on season 3. I have a crush on one of the characters lol. But he ended up doing someone dirty and I was like 🫨😧
Anyways,
My entire head is killing I might take some painkillers now. I've felt a little cold like shivering today and then fine.
Good night diary
love,
Sour Susan 🤠
https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/breast-cancer/secondary/symptoms
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I feel awful😭
Also think there's another mass (I don't think, I know.)
Nose ble
I'm acting I'm fine to everyone