It started out so subtly.
Taylor had stopped letting Karlie touch her at all. She always pulled away, never letting Karlie do more than put a hand on her shoulder, her knee, her hand, before moving away without a word. This confused Karlie and somewhat hurt her because while Taylor never ignored Karlie, she had pretty much done her best to avoid being with Karlie.
And the worst thing was Taylor's new... habit of drinking. Again, like all things, it started out slowly. The occasional small pour of bourbon in her coffee. A beer during the day. A glass of wine during dinner. A serving of rum before bed just to fall asleep. Karlie should have paid more attention, because what started out seemingly innocent quickly became concerning. She wasn't sure when Taylor had amassed such a large collection of liquor, but it was almost impressive if not for the fact that the blonde was currently passed out in her bed. Granted, she'd just come back from the bar, but that was no excuse for the past four straight days of passing out drunk and waking up to her head in the toilet.
Karlie had watched as it happened. It was always the same thing. One shot turned to two, which turned to three, which eventually became six. Then Taylor would become frustrated at something and cry herself to sleep. It wasn't for lack of trying that Karlie couldn't stop it. She'd tried telling Taylor to stop, she'd tried hiding the alcohol. She'd tried pouring it out, but all of that only served to make Taylor upset. And somehow, she just replaced one bottle with two more, almost as if out of spite.
So she stopped trying because she was only making it worse. But Karlie wasn't sure what to do. At least this time, she hadn't drunk her way into a breakdown.
That night, two nights ago, had been the worst. Taylor drank, and then drank some more, and then started crying and shaking. And nothing Karlie said seemed to help. In fact, it almost seemed like Karlie was making it worse, that her very presence only set Taylor off more. She had fallen asleep after an entire hour of crying until her throat was raw and the tears stopped flowing. She fell asleep, her face still red from crying.
And so, tonight, well past two in the morning, Karlie sat in bed watching Taylor as the blonde slept, her eyes having long adjusted to the dark.
It was almost cute the way Taylor snored when she was sleeping drunk. She could almost pretend that Taylor had just gotten home from an innocent celebration with friends, too drunk to stay awake. Almost. Karlie frowned and shook her head. What the hell happened? Obviously, Thanksgiving weekend played a huge part in whatever had affected Taylor so much she had stopped taking care of herself, but Karlie just wasn't even sure how to bring it up. Or if she even should. She'd definitely have to wait for Taylor to be sober to do so.
In the meantime, Karlie ignored the exhaustion in her body and stood up, grabbed the half-empty bottle of rum next to Taylor's bed and brought it to the kitchen. She stood there, bottle in hand, and leaned against the counter. Karlie was lost as to what to do. She didn't want to get anyone else involved because she knew it would only upset Taylor more and possibly make things worse, and when Taylor was having a good day, she was almost pleasant to be around! She didn't want to ruin that, but Karlie didn't know how to fix this by herself.
The little things. Karlie unscrewed the bottle and poured out a small amount of the drink. Just enough so that Taylor would have less of it, but not so much that she'd suspect a thing. Karlie frowned and put the bottle back in its place. If she'd been a frat boy, this would have been the collection to be proud of. Rum, whiskey, bourbon, vodka.
She put her palms to her face and sighed. How could she be so helpless when she was right there? Why couldn't she just help? Karlie was just letting it happen. Right in front of her. Not only had Taylor been getting drunk almost every day for the past two weeks, but tonight she got home smelling like smoke, and judging by the smell of her breath, she had been smoking, despite what she'd tried to say. And while she couldn't exactly judge her for that, seeing as she herself was a smoker, she definitely didn't want Taylor to be smoking. Especially not when she was doing it in such a vulnerable state.
Karlie looked back at Taylor, who had rolled over onto her back and frowned. That wasn't good. Karlie shut off the kitchen lights, limped over to the bedroom and pulled the blonde to her side, then sat back on her own bed. Okay, tomorrow was the day. She had to talk to Taylor. For real this time.
In the meantime, though, Karlie crawled into bed. Her eyes adjusted to the darkness, and she kept her gaze on Taylor's silhouette until it all faded away.
*~~~*~~~*
Karlie woke up to the sound of Taylor's retching. She figured this would happen, and she knew the cycle of events that was about to transpire. With a sigh, she rose from her bed and knocked on the bathroom door.
"Taylor, you okay?" she asked, knowing the answer.
"No," came Taylor's muffled voice.
Karlie pressed her lips together and opened the door to find Taylor on the floor of the bathroom, her face planted over the toilet bowl. Taylor lazily flushed the toilet and let herself flop to the ground. She'd been crying – sobbing, probably, judging by the deep red flush of her face and the amount of wetness on her cheeks. She took a shuddering breath as she looked up at Karlie.
"Are you done throwing up?" Karlie asked as she crouched down, leaning against the wall. At Taylor's weak nod, Karlie told herself to keep a level head. "Do you want water or crackers or something?"
Taylor shook her head no.
"Taylor, what's wrong?" Karlie asked bluntly, deciding to skip any small talk. She gave Taylor a tired look, hoping that she understood that she wasn't the only one dealing with the consequences.
She took another shaky breath. "I... I'm sorry."
"I know," Karlie responded.
Taylor shook her head, her hair pooling under her in tangled knots. She sniffed and blinked out another tear. "I'll stop. I promise."
Karlie stared at her in turn, because it wasn't the first time Taylor had said that. In fact, she'd said it twice that week already. She tried to keep her face neutral, but it was really hard. "Taylor, I love you. But it's hard to see you like this. I need you to really try, b—Taylor," she corrected herself, remembering the last time she tried to use that pet name for Taylor. It just made her cry harder.
"I just, I can't stop beating myself up," Taylor whispered, saying more than she'd said about it since Thanksgiving. Karlie turned her head slightly at the new information. "I keep fucking everything up. I can't stop disappointing people. I'm just so fucking tired."
She'd also said that a lot, about being tired. "What are you tired of?" Karlie prompted, trying to see if Taylor would keep talking.
"I'm just tired," Taylor parroted blankly. Karlie knew what she was doing, she was trying to shut everything out, but that was a dangerous game.
Karlie reached out and pulled Taylor by the shoulders until she sat up. She was limp like a ragdoll and her blue stare burned into Karlie, backed by the tear-irritated red whites of her eyes. Karlie's brow turned up at the sight. She was so broken, and she wasn't really sure why. "Taylor, please don't do this. Talk to me. We can figure something out."
There was nothing behind Taylor's eyes. She just shook her head. "It's not worth it."
"Of course it is!" Karlie fought the urge to pull Taylor into a hug. She knew she was already overstepping just by having a hold on Taylor at all. "I, Taylor, I don't know how to help you. You have to help me help you. Tell me what you need. Please."
"I need you to leave me alone," Taylor muttered, shifting her gaze to the floor.
"No, I am not doing that," Karlie refused. "Taylor, please. I am begging you."
Taylor stayed quiet, but her fingers curled and uncurled themselves on the floor. "Why do you even bother?"
That wasn't at all the response Karlie was expecting. She furrowed her eyebrows. "W–what? What do you mean? I bother because I love you, Taylor. And I, I don't like to see you hurting yourself like this."
"You could find someone better. Someone who isn't a complete mess, who doesn't fuck everything up."
"Taylor." Karlie put one hand under Taylor's chin and brought her gaze back up. "Listen to me. I don't know why you have this idea that you're some kind of, of monster that just burns everything down, but you've made my life so much better." She smiled at Taylor, really hoping she'd get through to her even a bit. "You gave me something that no one else ever could, you make me happy like no one ever has. Even through our toughest moments, I just want to be there with you, no matter where 'there' is. Even if 'there' means on the floor of our bathroom helping you deal with a hangover," she added with a bit of a chuckle. "There is no one better. You are the one, Taylor."
Taylor stared at Karlie. Her lip quivered as she struggled to say something, but no words came out. Karlie could tell she wanted to argue, but she wasn't sure what had changed the blonde's mind. Instead, she slumped forward, her shoulders falling. "Okay," she muttered.
"Okay?"
Taylor nodded, pulling a bit of strength into her body. "Yeah." She leaned forward and wrapped Karlie into a hug. It was loose and kind of awkward, but it was the first time Taylor had willingly touched her in two weeks, so it was perfect.
Karlie let out a breath. She hugged Taylor back softly, burying her face into the blonde's shoulder. Taylor smelled like a liquor store, and still slightly of smoke. Musky and kind of sweaty. But she didn't care because Taylor was in her arms again. She didn't notice she had tears in her eyes until one rolled down her cheek, but she just let it happen. "I think we need to talk."
"Yeah," Taylor whispered.
*~~~*~~~*
After a shower and a quick change of clothes, Taylor already seemed like a brand-new person. Well, not a new person, actually, but more like her old self again. She put on a fresh blue long-sleeve shirt and black jeans. Her hair still slightly clung to her head, having been damp and wet from the shower still. It was refreshing for Karlie to see Taylor look... tidy, again. She couldn't think of another way to put it.
"Do you feel a little better now?" Karlie asked, watching Taylor look around the kitchen with a frown.
"Yeah," Taylor said quietly. She shook her head and sat at the table next to Karlie. "Yeah, I do," she responded more steadily.
"Okay," Karlie scratched her arm as she pondered how to breach the subject. "Um, let's talk. Seriously."
Taylor nodded and put her hands on the tabletop. She fiddled with her fingers. Karlie knew she was nervous. She'd have to tread carefully.
"First of all," Karlie started, making sure to keep an eye on Taylor, "You need to cool it with the drinking," Karlie told her bluntly. There was no reason to beat around the bush.
"I know," Taylor agreed. She rubbed her forehead. "I just, I start and it makes me feel better."
"It makes you feel better?" Karlie frowned, flashes of a drunk Taylor filling her mind. Drunk Taylor wasn't a happy Taylor, not recently.
Regardless, the blonde nodded. "It makes me feel numb, I guess is a better way to put it. My thoughts get too loud and being drunk makes them go away. Mostly, at least."
Okay, Karlie could understand that, but still, it was no reason to abuse the substance. "I'm not saying you should never drink again, Tay, but you overdo it."
"I know."
"How about instead of trying to make your thoughts go away with alcohol, you just try and talk to me? Or someone?" Karlie suggested, keeping her voice warm. "Talking about it can help."
Taylor nodded again, now picking at the ends of her sleeves.
She wasn't sure how well Taylor would actually keep the suggestion in mind, but it was a step in the right direction, she hoped. "You have to let me in. Why do you feel like you're such a burden? I can't imagine anyone ever having told you that."
"You're right," Taylor confirmed. "No one's ever told me that but..." She hesitated and shifted in her seat. She still hadn't met Karlie's gaze once. "Well, I guess it's just how I feel," she said with a grim laugh. "I don't know what I keep doing wrong, but everyone always ends up disappointed in me."
"I'm not disappointed in you," Karlie cut in. She considered putting her hands on Taylor's, but given how retreated into herself Taylor seemed, she figured it wasn't the best idea. "And neither are your parents or your brother or Abigail."
Taylor didn't say anything.
"I'm just, I'm worried about you," Karlie admitted. "You had this drastic change after that weekend. You wouldn't even let me touch you, you barely talked and you skipped, like, half your classes sleeping in. It's just so unlike you, and I didn't notice how bad your drinking had gotten until I started getting home to you passed out in bed with an open bottle next to you or I'd get back and you were too drunk to even speak coherently." Karlie shook her head, remembering the last time Taylor had drunkenly broken down. "You were just so... so angry and sad and I never knew what to do."
"I'm sorry," Taylor breathed.
"No, no, remember? I banned that word," Karlie told her with a smile. "I'm not berating you, I'm just explaining. I want you to feel better, Taylor, but I don't know what's wrong. You have to tell me what's wrong."
Taylor sighed and put her head in her hands. "I don't know," she whispered. "I just... I know I keep saying it, but I feel tired, Karlie. Like... exhausted. I don't know how else to put it. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack, but it's like my body is too tired to even acknowledge it."
Karlie wasn't sure what to say, so she kept quiet, hoping Taylor would keep talking.
"I... I'm just so mad at myself," Taylor continued. "I keep making the same mistakes. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. It felt so good to sing that song for you, but then I was reminded of my stupid... A–And it was too much. It g–got so loud in my head, Kar..." She whimpered, which made Karlie's heart twinge. "I wanted it to go away. I wanted to–to disappear. I want to disappear."
"What do you mean?" Karlie asked, an uneasy feeling growing inside her.
"I don't know," Taylor mumbled. "I remembered how easy it was to fall asleep on Halloween. It only took a few glasses of rum, even though I was so nervous and upset. I felt so empty after Thanksgiving, but I couldn't sleep, and I thought that'd help. And then I started thinking... Maybe it'd make it all easier."
Shit. Karlie really should have noticed. "I really hope you don't feel pressured because of me."
"No, it's not you at all," Taylor said quickly, finally meeting Karlie's gaze. "I, I mean, I guess at first I did wish I could be more for you. But then I realized I was just projecting onto you. It's not a you problem at all, it's a me problem. I'm the problem." She pointed at herself almost angrily.
Karlie's hand twitched. She wanted to reach out, to assure Taylor, but it was one thing trying to put a hand on drunk Taylor. Sober Taylor would pull away instantly. Drunk Taylor let it happen, even if briefly. She covered her own hand, trying to make it seem like that was what she meant to do all along. Hearing that she was, at least initially, partially to blame for Taylor's mood was mildly upsetting. "I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren't enough."
Taylor shook her head. "If I can't say sorry, neither can you."
"Fair enough." Karlie smiled a bit at Taylor's half-joke. "So what now?"
"Well, I was supposed to go see Cara later," Taylor admitted shyly. "She's supposed to help me with something."
"That's not what I meant," Karlie responded, but she nodded anyway. "I mean, I'm glad you're going out to see her, as long as you don't go and get drunk again."
"I won't get drunk again," Taylor responded earnestly. "I promise. Actually, do you want to come?"
That was probably a good idea. She knew Cara wouldn't do anything to hurt Taylor on purpose, but Cara was also a bit insensitive, even if by accident. Karlie nodded. "Yeah, sure."
"What time is it, anyway?" Taylor asked, running her fingers through damp hair.
"It's around eleven," Karlie responded, checking her wrist.
"Alright," Taylor responded. She rubbed her bicep with one hand and drummed against the table with the other. Obviously, she was somewhat uncomfortable, which made Karlie's mind wander.
It was clear that Taylor had somewhat regressed to how she'd been acting when they first met. Even before they started dating. Karlie was always, admittedly, very touchy with Taylor, putting her arm around her and poking her and holding her hand. Taylor was always a bit reserved, though she let it happen, only occasionally shying away from the touch. What did that mean for them? Taylor had tried to convince Karlie that she was better off without her, which Karlie obviously dismissed every time, but did Taylor consider them to still be together? Neither of them had broken up with the other, but the way Taylor had been acting recently was... strange. It was almost as if she was waiting for Karlie to do something. Judging by how Taylor acted whenever Karlie attempted to be somewhat intimate, Karlie could guess what it was that Taylor thought she should do. But that was not going to happen.
Taylor kept glancing around, a frown perched on her lips. Karlie noticed she kept looking directly behind her at the countertop of the kitchen. They were just quick stolen glances, but Karlie knew what Taylor was looking at. The liquor.
"What time did you plan to meet Cara?" Karlie asked, trying to draw Taylor's attention away. She wasn't worried that the blonde would try and have a drink right then and there, especially after their talk, but she didn't want Taylor to even think too long about it.
"We didn't set a time, so whenever, I guess," Taylor responded with a shrug. She went back to rubbing her thumbs in circles around each other.
"Okay," Karlie replied, nodding slowly. "I just want to make sure you'll be okay."
"I will be." Taylor tried on a smile, which looked really good on her. "You're coming, too. I... I think I need a little time to try and get over my insecurities, but I love you, Karlie." She reached out and put a hand on Karlie's forearm. "Please don't ever let me forget that or fuck it up in any way." She squeezed gently. "I know I've been pulling away and saying all this stuff, but I really don't want us to end. It's all just the, the insecurities talking. Please don't let me fuck us up."
Karlie smiled at the touch and cautiously put her hand on Taylor's. Her heart twinged at her words. She must have been in a really weird mental state, but Karlie could understand that. "I won't. No matter what," she promised. "And I love you, too."
Taylor's smile widened a bit, matched with some tears, but they didn't drop. "I know you said not to say this, but I really do mean it this time. I'm sorry for how I've been acting. I–I know it hasn't felt good. Every time I pulled away from you I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I can't imagine how you felt if you thought any of it was because of you."
"It's okay, Taylor," Karlie told her honestly. Hope built up inside her at Taylor's words. Were things finally going to start getting good again? "I... I understand. I'm just glad you're talking to me now about this. We'll be back to normal, right?"
The blonde nodded. "Eventually. I just, I need some time." She pursed her lips together, her tongue peeking out between them slightly. Slowly, but not before giving Karlie's forearm one last gentle squeeze, she retracted her hand. "I need to put a pause on us. For now. I can't feel good about being your girlfriend if I don't believe I should be."
Karlie tilted her head, her smile dropping into a tiny frown. Her hopes instantly shattered within her. "What do you mean, a pause?"
Taylor took a deep breath. "I mean I think we should go on a break," she clarified, blinking a few times. "Not, like, break up. But... But I need a break. I need to go back to just being friends with you for a bit, okay? Just... Just while I get over whatever it is that I'm feeling."
Well, that wasn't what Karlie was expecting, but she had to keep it cool for Taylor. Even though what Taylor said made sense and that they weren't actually breaking up, to Karlie, it pretty much felt that was. She nodded, knowing that if she tried to say anything, it'd come out broken and Taylor didn't need another reason to believe she'd made Karlie feel bad.
If Taylor noticed, she didn't show it. "Thanks, Kar. I'm glad you understand. I really thought... I was, I was worried that you wouldn't want to give me time."
Really, Karlie couldn't even manage to get any words out, so she just nodded again, hoping that wiping her nose was a good enough cover for the way she slyly wiped under her eye.
Shit, just relax. It's just a break.
Taylor definitely noticed that one. Her lips drooped down, and her posture hunched over. "I'm sorry, Karlie."
"It's okay," Karlie whispered, trying her best to smile. "I'll wait. For ever and ever. I told you that, remember?" She thought back to that night in Pennsylvania. "I meant it."
"I love you so much," Taylor said, barely audibly.
"Me too."
*~~~*~~~*
When Karlie walked into Cara's house, it was not with Taylor's hand in hers. In fact, Taylor had walked slightly behind Karlie the entire time with her eyes glued to the floor. No matter how many times Karlie tried to slow down for her, Taylor lagged behind. That hurt.
They hadn't spoken a word to each other since their talk in the kitchen. Taylor took her guitar and sat on the bed, playing notes and strumming chords and mumbling under her breath, but out of respect for her, Karlie decided to tune it out as much as she could. She thought about the song Taylor had played for her. Treacherous, she thought it was called. She wished she could hear it again. She could only remember some of the words. Karlie regretted not burning it into her mind the second it happened.
Now, she sat in the living room of Cara's house. At some point, the brunette had cleaned up. The last time Karlie was here, there was definitely more of a mess. Now, the house was as pristine as Cara would allow. That was nice.
What wasn't nice was the distinct lack of teasing from Cara. Normally, she'd be cracking jokes at both Karlie and Taylor's expense, but judging by the hushed silence between the two and the fact that Taylor sat on the opposite end of the couch from Karlie, Cara must have noticed something happened between them. For once, she was being respectful, and Karlie hated it.
What Karlie hated more was the apparent reason that they'd come to visit. Cara came back with a bag full of supplies and once laid out on the table, Karlie had pieced together the plan. A collection of pre-rolled joints scattered the tables along with a lighter. Taylor looked at them anxiously, her legs curled up in front of her. She licked at her lips, her fingers rubbing and scratching into her pants. She was nervous. Cara looked at Taylor. Taylor returned the glance.
"You still sure you wanna do this?" Cara asked, keeping her eyes on Taylor.
The blonde nodded.
"Okay. Karlie, you want in?" Cara looked at Karlie, who really just wanted to go home and drag Taylor with her. It wasn't that she didn't want Taylor to get high—she could do whatever she wanted—but the timing was off. It seemed, and she really thought her hunch was right, that Taylor only agreed to this because of how she had been feeling. In fact, she was sure of it. Taylor didn't seem like the type to smoke weed. She hadn't even seemed like the type to drink much, and yet here they were.
Karlie shrugged. "Maybe."
"Okay, well, we'll have one joint," Cara said, picking one up from the table. "These aren't too strong, so we'll smoke one and see how you feel, okay, Taylor?"
Taylor nodded quietly.
Cara raised an eyebrow, but kept on going. "It's, um, it's kind of like smoking a cigarette. But just make sure you get the smoke in or it won't do anything."
That confirmed what Karlie thought. Taylor had smoked last night. She noticed the look Taylor gave her, but Karlie couldn't find it within herself to say anything. She just blinked and looked away.
"Normally, I wouldn't blaze up inside, but it's fucking cold out," Cara joked. Nobody laughed. She put the joint in her mouth and lit it, sucking it in for a bit and making sure it would stay lit. With a sigh, she breathed out and passed over the joint to Taylor.
Karlie watched as Taylor gingerly took the joint and raised it to her lips, doing what Cara had done, except clearly with much more hesitation. She grimaced as she sucked in, furrowing her eyebrows, but she managed to keep it in until Cara motioned for her to let it out. It was hard to ignore what they were doing. It already stunk like weed. Taylor coughed a bit and handed the joint back to Cara.
She offered it to Karlie, but Karlie shook her head, leaning back onto the couch with her arms crossed. Normally, she would have probably been down to give it a shot. Laugh with her friends, giggle into Taylor's chest, but she knew that wouldn't be what happened. Someone needed to stay sober today.
They went back and forth, coughing and filling the room with the stench of weed. Taylor started smiling goofily, which meant it probably was hitting her, but Cara seemed fine. In fact, the brunette had stopped passing the joint altogether and Taylor didn't really seem to notice.
Eventually, Taylor ended up with her eyes closed on the couch, still smiling at nothing. Cara finished up the joint by herself and joined Karlie, just watching Taylor. Had it been a regular day, Karlie would have laughed at Taylor's condition, but considering the fact that the only times since Thanksgiving that Karlie had seen Taylor crack a smile that wide was when she was anything but sober made it hard to laugh. Especially when Karlie was expecting some sudden change in mood. Her body tensed, waiting for waterworks.
When the fuck did it get so bad?
Karlie stood up, keeping her gaze off of Taylor. She walked out the glass door to the backyard as fast as her broken leg allowed. She couldn't stand to be there anymore, to see Taylor so out of it. Karlie frowned and angrily searched her pockets, taking out her pack of cigarettes and fishing out the last one. With a grunt, she stuck it in her mouth, tossing the empty pack into the outdoor trash bin. She'd already blown through the pack she bought just last week.
It hit her with the warmth she needed to brave the December cold. Despite being barely six, the sky was already pitch black. Karlie shivered, regretting not bringing her jacket. She took a deep drag and closed her eyes, trying to imagine that everything was normal.
Behind her, the door opened and shut again. She didn't turn around, knowing that the only one that would be in a well enough state to join her was Cara.
Of course, her suspicions were correct. "You alright, babe?"
Karlie scrunched up her nose and turned around to face Cara. Frustration got the better of her as she stared down her friend. "Are you kidding me, Cara? Like, genuinely. Are you fucking joking?"
Cara frowned. "What?"
"You are so goddamn stupid sometimes," Karlie muttered, crossing her arms over her chest and taking another puff of her smoke. She breathed in the smell, hoping it would drown out the scent of weed that came from Cara.
"Karlie, what do you mean?"
Karlie shook her head, almost bursting out into laughter. "You let Taylor get wasted last night. You let her smoke. And now you're giving her weed? Seriously?"
Despite Karlie's cold tone, Cara did nothing more than just return the frown. "Dude, I... Why are you mad at me?"
"I told you Taylor was fucked up!" Karlie yelled, sticking out her arms at Cara. "I told you she was having a hard time and drinking too much. I told you I was worried about her! You knew all that and you let her do all that dumb shit?" Anger that she didn't even know she had stored up inside her bubbled to the surface.
"Hey, come on! Don't yell at me." Cara deflected. "I didn't think it was that bad."
"Fuck, Cara," Karlie muttered, sticking her smoke back in her mouth to let herself think. She scowled and blew smoke up in the air. "I told you it was that bad."
"I'm sorry," Cara responded angrily. "But Taylor probably would have drank herself into the hospital if I hadn't dragged her out of that bar. I thought you were exaggerating."
"She has literally gotten herself drunk every night for two weeks," Karlie shot back. "Every. Fucking. Night."
"Why didn't you tell me that?"
"I did!" Karlie laughed mirthlessly. "I did tell you that. And then what? She came home last night smelling like booze, barely able to walk. She tripped into our fucking living room last night. She... She said some shit that worried me. I have been so worried! You don't need to enable this!"
"Holy shit." Cara softened her gaze. "Look, I'm sorry. I didn't... I didn't know it was that bad."
"You always seem to make shit worse. My parents were right. You do ruin people."
Cara's eyes widened for a split second, then narrowed again as she grimaced.
Karlie regretted the words the second they came out, the second Cara's defensive frown lost all its power. "Shit, Cara, I'm sorry."
"No," Cara said, taking a step back. "No, no, you're right. I'm... God, I..."
"Cara." Karlie took a step towards her. "I didn't mean it like that. I just—"
"It's fine, Karlie," Cara interrupted, shaking her head. "You're right, you did tell me all that. I should have listened."
"Cara, shit, I'm sorry," Karlie repeated, tossing out her half-used cigarette to the side. "I was upset, I didn't mean it."
"Mate, don't worry about it." Cara waved her hand. "I know you say shit that hurts when you're mad. I get it. Plus, you have a point."
"I shouldn't have tried to pin this on you," Karlie muttered. "I know you were just... trying to help in your own way."
Cara shrugged. "Yeah." She frowned and looked back through the window at Taylor, who stayed with her head leaned back over the couch. Her blonde curls hung in the air as she smiled up at the ceiling. It was kind of insane how fast it hit her, only having been twenty minutes. "How bad is it?"
Karlie sighed and pushed her hair behind her ear. "It's pretty bad. She, she's barely said anything to me since we got back from Pennsylvania. Like I said, she's been drinking a lot. Crying. Just generally keeping her distance from me..." Karlie pressed her lips together in a tight line. "It's just, it's so unlike her. She's usually so happy."
"Damn."
"Yeah. And, it's... She keeps saying I'm better without her, that I'm only going to grow tired of her and angry that she can't come out." Karlie remembered the many many times Taylor had mentioned that, drunk and sober. It was one of the few recurring themes of their conversations. "I was actually... Really scared for the first few days after Thanksgiving. She kept saying she was tired. Of everything. Now she only says it when she's drunk, but..."
"Drunk words are sober thoughts," Cara finished grimly. Karlie nodded, which made Cara frown. "Shit. You don't think..?"
"I don't know," Karlie admitted, looking back at Taylor. "She's been disappearing for hours at a time, giving me all kinds of excuses. Assignments, hang-outs... We talked today, and she seemed a bit more clear. But she, she told me she wanted to take a break. Go back to being just friends."
"Fuck, Karlie. I'm sorry," Cara responded, scratching the back of her head. "I think she was trying to let on to me something about that yesterday. I don't know." She sighed and rubbed her hands together. "I should listen better."
"What do you mean?"
Cara shrugged. "I dunno, she was a bit bummed yesterday when I mentioned you and asked how Thanksgiving went. Obviously, I told her I knew some of what happened. She mentioned you wanting her to go back on her anxiety meds, and... Well, I had this stupid idea."
"Look, I don't have anything against weed or using it to manage anxiety, but I don't think Taylor should be doing it right now." Karlie crossed her arms, trying to hold any heat she had within her. "I mean, it's just another substance. If not alcohol, then weed? I think she should just stick to prescribed meds."
Cara shrugged. "I guess, but if it helps, isn't that a good thing?"
Well, that was a somewhat decent point, Karlie figured, but she wasn't sure how well Taylor could function high, considering that she was so out of it right now. "I guess, but... I don't think it'd help her. It just seems to be taking her out entirely." She coughed out a laugh, unable to hold it in.
"Then she can take low-dose edibles, or just not do it," Cara said, shrugging. "I don't know, Karlie. You just gotta let her make her own decisions."
As much as Karlie really hated that sentiment, it was true. But she wouldn't let Taylor fall off the deep end this time. That was a promise.
Before Karlie could respond, the sound of the sliding door opening brought both girls' attention back toward the house. Taylor walked out with a smile and came over to them. Her bloodshot eyes drooped as if she was trying to stay awake, which was somewhat funny.
"Hey, you guys left me alone," Taylor said, giggling. "I didn't even notice. How long has it been? I really feel weird, but nice. Like, my eyes feel fuzzy. And my sweater feels like it's inside of me." She gripped at her sides, tugging the knit sweater away from her body. "Does that make sense?"
Cara laughed, which made Taylor laugh even harder. The brunette nodded. "Yeah, weirdly enough, that does make sense."
"Okay. Yeah, this is great, Cara," Taylor told her. "Like... Wow. And Karlie, ooh, Karlie... I love you!"
Karlie opened her mouth to say something but was shut up by Taylor putting an arm around her back and holding her closely. The blonde rubbed her ribcage, which sent a small jolt of pain through Karlie's side. She had mostly healed her broken rib, but it was still sensitive. "Woah, hey, careful," Karlie told her, gingerly pulling Taylor off. "Do you feel okay?"
"I feel great," Taylor responded, stepping away from Karlie as though nothing had happened. "I was kind of anxious at first, but now... Wow."
"Wow?" Karlie asked, crossing her arms over her torso.
"Wow," Taylor confirmed. She giggled. "This is so much better than being drunk."
"That's... good?" Karie looked to Cara, who shrugged.
"Mmm, yeah," Taylor mumbled. She snapped her head up and looked back toward the house. "It's cold out here. And I'm hungry! Let's get back inside."
"Munchies," Cara explained with a snort. She waved Taylor back in. "There are snacks in the cupboards. Go raid."
Without a word, Taylor turned back around and marched back into the house. Karlie sighed and shook her head. "Well, it is better than her being drunk, but... I don't know," she admitted. "Maybe I should ask her brother what he thinks?"
She had gotten pretty close to Austin during her time at Taylor's home, mostly as a result of looking over the Norton in the garage. They had some common interests, and they'd exchanged numbers to keep in touch. He'd been asking about Taylor pretty regularly, but Karlie kept giving him vague answers. She didn't want to worry him, but she did tell him that Taylor was still upset. She'd shared the fact that Taylor was distant and that she would get home late some nights, but she'd mostly kept the drinking stuff to herself. Was that a mistake? Honestly, Karlie was just so lost as to what to do.
Cara shook her head. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"Why not?"
"Well, would Taylor want you to?"
Karlie scoffed. "Taylor wants a lot of things, but that doesn't mean it's good for her."
"True," Cara admitted, "but most people see weed as this... scary thing. Is Austin like that?"
Austin seemed like an open-minded person. Plus, he was just a nineteen-year-old guy. Karlie cocked her head. "Eh, well, I don't think so."
"Then ask him, I guess."
Cara was really not being helpful. With a roll of her eyes, Karlie took a step back toward the house. "Let's get inside before we get sick," she suggested. What's done is done. She should just make sure Taylor didn't suddenly spiral or something. None of them knew exactly how the blonde would react to the weed, and though it seemed mostly good now, anything could change at any moment.
Thankfully, Cara didn't argue that, and they both entered the house again, met by the warmth of the interior. Taylor's laugh brightened the air as she stuffed a handful of chips in her mouth, staring at the television. She turned to them and pointed at the screen.
"You guys, this show is so funny I love it so much!"
Karlie turned to look. It was a rerun of Friends. Taylor used to watch Friends all the time, but not since Thanksgiving. That made Karlie smile a bit. It was almost... normal.
"Come sit, Kar!" Taylor yelled, patting the spot next to her with a wide grin. "I miss you."
"Tay, I dunno," Karie responded, unsure of what to do. One part of her obviously wanted to take Taylor up on the offer, to be close to her, but the other part knew Taylor was just acting silly because of the weed.
"Please?" Taylor pouted.
With a sigh, Karlie sat next to Taylor but tried to keep a small space between them. That plan was foiled instantly as Taylor latched her arms around Karlie and dragged her into her chest. She stunk like weed, but she also smelled a bit like her shampoo. Karlie tried to keep her breathing calm, but she just wanted to sniff and sniff. She hadn't been this close to Taylor in a long time.
Cara sat on the other sofa, keeping her gaze on the pair with an almost mischievous grin. She was up to something, Karlie knew, but any plan Cara ever had was bound to end in disaster. She shot her a look, which Cara returned with a feigned innocence that was almost laughable. Instead, Karlie kept her mind focused on the way Taylor combed fingers through her hair and laughed at the characters' antics, often stage-whispering jokes to Karlie and trying to feed her chips.
Karlie, honestly, had no idea how to act. Taylor, sober Taylor had just asked Karlie for a break. Drunk Taylor begged Karlie to break up with her. High Taylor acted like nothing had changed. Which one was the truth? Which one did Taylor actually want? She leaned towards what Sober Taylor wanted, but she knew that Sober Taylor wasn't acting like herself. Neither was Drunk Taylor. High Taylor was a bit closer, but then again, she was high. It almost felt like Taylor was three different people, depending on what was or wasn't in her system. What the hell was Karlie supposed to do? How was she supposed to know how to be?
She gave up, letting Taylor pet her and hug her close. Karlie closed her eyes and pretended that nothing had changed between them. Eventually, Taylor would sober up and it'd all be taken away from her again. So Karlie let Taylor be. And she let herself be Taylor's, even if only for the time being. No crime in enjoying the moment, right?
*~~~*~~~*
A/N: I don't like this chapter at all but well I guess you can't like them all. Shoutout to Stef (aka daylightlvr_ on Twitter) for being so supportive and helping me out with this story from time to time! Weedlor's for you :)
Anyway, even though I don't like this one, I hope you do! Let me know!
Life update for those who care: I just started my last year of college. I'm already swamped with work and I've only had two classes... So, updates will slow down. It's 1am and I'm exhausted right now but this chapter was almost done so I figured I'd finish it up. Gotta be up in like seven hours for another gruelling day!