𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊
Ding dong.
Hongjoong groaned at the sound of the doorbell.
He hoped that he wouldn't be bothered with people after he returned to Anyang.
He hadn't said a word to his parents on the ride home, and they knew better than to question him at this point in time.
It was four days into winter vacation, and Hongjoong wallowed in misery.
Just the thought of Seonghwa hating him made him want to bawl his eyes out, but he knew that what he was doing was in Seonghwa's best interests.
He had hurt him in a way that was unforgivable.
No one could tell him otherwise.
His plans to not have any social contact with people were ruined when the doorbell rang.
He had the whole house to himself for the day, his parents gone to a holiday function.
Luck wasn't on his side at all this holiday season.
Hongjoong pulled on a sweater and basketball shorts before scuffling to the front door, wanting to get this over with.
He looked through the peephole and gasped at who he saw staring back at him.
He quickly opened the door to see Yunho bundled in a pink coat, cheeks pink from the cold.
He flashed the ravenette his bright grin.
"Yunho...?" Hongjoong said in disbelief.
"Um, hey!" Yunho lifted a hand in greeting. "What's up?"
"Wait, what the hell is going on? How do know where I live?" Hongjoong rubbed his eyes.
"I sort of went on Facebook and asked one of your friends what your address was." Yunho twiddled his thumbs.
Hongjoong cursed internally.
What kind of lowlife friend would sell him out like this?
He was lucky that it was Yunho seeking such private information.
Hongjoong eyed the black Mitsubishi parked on the curb.
The car was still running.
The windows were tinted, and he couldn't see inside.
"Did you drive here?" He inquired, frowning.
"Sort of. Uh, can I come inside? I wanna talk to you, and it's kinda cold out here." Yunho replied ambiguously, his teeth chattering.
Hongjoong quickly stepped aside and let his lilac-haired friend in.
Yunho removed his gloves and coat, giving the ravenette a relieved thank you.
"This is quite the surprise." Hongjoong appraised Yunho suspiciously. "So what are you doing here?"
"Let's sit down first. Please?" Yunho requested softly.
Hongjoong led Yunho to the living room and sat down on the couch.
Yunho took the loveseat right across from him.
"I know you've been getting enough shit from San and Yeosang about Seonghwa." Yunho began, biting his lip. "I'm not here to rag on you. All I wanna do is help you figure out what's going on with you."
Hongjoong screamed internally.
He should have known Yunho was here to discuss Seonghwa.
Why couldn't his so-called "friends" leave him alone?
This was none of their business.
Yunho tapped his index fingers together, studying Hongjoong's expression.
"There's also someone here to see you, but we'll save that for later. I just wanna know how you're feeling, Joong. I overheard Yeosang and San confronting you a few days ago. The walls are thin, so I heard everything. They were worried about Seonghwa, and rightfully so. But no one has asked how you were doing. It was wrong of us to be so one-sided. You're very important to us too, you know. We wanna know if you're okay."
Hongjoong felt his defensive stance weaken.
He was crestfallen, surprised at Yunho's compassion.
Out of everyone, Seonghwa meant the most to Yunho.
They'd been online friends for seven years for crying out loud.
He figured Yunho would hate him as much as San and Yeosang did.
But instead... he was here seeking concordance.
Hongjoong wiped at his eyes.
Yunho waited patiently for Hongjoong to collect himself.
"Honestly... I'm miserable." Hongjoong admitted. "I hate myself, Yunho. I hate myself for hurting Seonghwa. I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared. I tried to discern how I felt about him, but I couldn't do it."
"Because of Jackson, right?"
Hongjoong stiffened at the name.
"He hurt you, hyung." Yunho slowly stood up and walked over to Hongjoong.
He squatted next to him. "He made you question yourself and your sexuality all this time, didn't he?"
"Yunho..." Hongjoong snarled in warning. "What exactly do you know about him?"
Yunho stood back up, a blank look on his face.
Hongjoong's expression was frightening, but it didn't intimidate him.
He was already prepared for possible backlash.
"Jackson's here." Yunho told him. "He's waiting outside and he wants to talk to you. I found him on Facebook. He remembered where you lived, so he drove us here so you two could clear the air."
Hongjoong recoiled, all the memories of Jackson flooding his mind.
"How could you?" Hongjoong clenched his fists. "You're an asshole!"
Yunho remained unfazed.
"I'm not doing this to hurt you. Jackson's not here to hurt you either. You're the type of person who needs a push to do something that's out of your comfort zone, or else you won't do it. Jackson is that push you need. He cried on the way over here, just so you know. Cried. He feels so guilty for what he had done, and has felt horrible for the last two years. Please give him a chance. You gotta let go of him, Hongjoong. You're giving him power over your life, whether he wants it or not. The memory of him is getting in the way of your happiness. So please just talk to him. You don't have to forgive him right this second. But hear him out."
Hongjoong trembled violently at the idea of Jackson in his house.
It made him want to curl into himself and die.
However, Yunho's calming presence soothed his anxiety and fear somewhat.
"...let him in." Hongjoong caved in hoarsely.
"Alright." Yunho headed for the front door. "I'll be right outside the room if you need me. You don't have to do this alone. I'm here for you."
Hongjoong felt his heartbeat pound in his ears as Yunho opened the door.
It caused ringing in his eardrums.
Hongjoong stared at his bare feet, trying to distinguish what was real and was not.
In the back of his mind, he hoped Yunho was joking about Jackson waiting right outside his home.
On the other hand, he anticipated the first proper meeting with Jackson in two years.
"Hongjoong?"
Hongjoong shivered at the foreign yet very familiar voice.
Jackson repeated his name, obviously in distress.
The ravenette refused to look up, wiping furiously at his face.
The last person he wanted to cry in front of was Jackson.
Hongjoong felt the couch dip on his left side, a hand resting on his shoulder.
He flinched at the touch, barely holding back a hiccup.
"I'm... I'm sorry." Jackson said, his voice cracking. "I'm so sorry. I know nothing I say will ease the pain I put you through. Nothing I say will change what happened two years ago. But, please, please, look at me." He begged.
"Do you remember everything that you did?" Hongjoong said roughly, lifting his head.
Jackson faltered at Hongjoong's glare. "I do..." He answered softly.
"Say it." Hongjoong ordered venomously. "Everything you did, say it out loud. Lord knows I've been replaying it in my head every night. Say it so the universe can hear it. That it really happened."
Jackson closed his eyes and took a shaky breath.
"In high school, I knew you liked me. I was well aware. In our senior year, we got drunk at my birthday party and had sex. I...I told you right after that I loved you. Then, the next morning, I pretended nothing happened. I told you that I never liked you, and called you a no-good fag. I ended our friendship."
Hongjoong's expression was lethal. "Glad we're on the same page." He spat.
Tears silently rolled down Jackson's face.
He stared at Hongjoong remorsefully.
"Do you have any idea how I felt after that day?" Hongjoong snapped, releasing all of his anger. "I convinced myself that I never really was in love with you. I thought I was just being bicurious. I thought I was wrong and disgusting. I never planned on studying abroad in LA so soon, but after that night, I accepted the offer to go right after high school. I needed to get out of the country and away from you."
"I'm sorry!" Jackson burst with emotion. "What I did was vile. I hated myself for it. At the end of the school year, I wanted to apologize, but you disappeared off the face of the earth. You blocked my number and on social media, so I couldn't even contact you. I've been thinking about this every day since then, Hongjoong. I never forgave myself for hurting you. I've always thought about you, wondering how you were doing."
"I'm doing fan-fucking-tastic, if you couldn't tell." Hongjoong retorted sarcastically. "You were my best friend, Jackson. You were the only person to believe in my dreams of doing music. You were the first person I ever had feelings for. Then, you used me. I spent so long persuading myself that it was just a mistake. That I was one-hundred percent straight. I dated a few girls before I met you, but I never fell in love with them. Instead, I ended up falling for you of all people. I dated several girls while in LA. They were all pretty and very smart. However, the dating led to nothing. The most it led to was sex, but that was fine at the time. I was almost okay with myself again. But then you and Park Seonghwa came along and messed me up. I have no idea what I am anymore."
Jackson sniffled. "It's all my fault. I'm an asshole. I'm still an asshole. I tried to take Seonghwa home on Halloween for a meaningless fuck. That's all I've restricted myself to now. In high school, I wasn't lying to you that day, Hongjoong. I really did love you. But I let fear drive me away. I was too afraid of my reputation and my friends and family if they ever found out. I didn't bother fighting for you. I couldn't accept that I was gay until I went to college, and I wish I figured it all out sooner. Yunho told me a lot about Seonghwa, and he sounds like a wonderful guy. You're in love with him, aren't you?"
"...yes." Hongjoong finally admitted out loud. "I am."
"Don't make the same mistake I made with you by hurting him and running away. You love him, and it's obvious that he loves you too. So go get him. Please, before it's too late." Jackson pleaded.
Hongjoong looked down, chewing his bottom lip.
I treated Seonghwa the same way Jackson treated me. He realized.
"It's already too late." The ravenette said gravely. "My mind is too warped to love him the way he deserves. I projected the memory of you onto him. Seonghwa and I... had sex. And afterwords, he told me he loved me, just like you did to me. All I could think about was what happened after you said 'I love you.' You left. I was so afraid, I went crazy. Because... I realized that I loved Seonghwa too. I did everything I could to convince myself that it wasn't love. I assumed it was lust, so I slept with my friend Jimin to get it out of my system. But the entire time I was with her, all I could think about was Seonghwa. So I tried avoiding him, thinking that with some distance, these feelings would disappear. But they didn't. They only intensified. I let him go so he wouldn't waste his love and affection on me. Seonghwa doesn't deserve this, I-"
"Homoromantic bisexual."
Jackson and Hongjoong whipped their heads to the left to see Yunho standing at the doorway, leaning against the wall.
"What?" Hongjoong peered at Yunho warily.
"Our RA is a psychology major." Yunho explained. "He's specializing in human sexuality. He studied in the UK for a year, and that's how he decided on that specialty. I talked to him after I contacted Jackson. Minhyuk-hyung gave me a crash course in romantic attraction and sexual attraction. They're two separate things, Hongjoong. You keep trying to lump the two together, which is why you're so confused."
Hongjoong gaped. "So what are you trying to say?"
"You just said that Jackson was the first person you ever had romantic feelings for." Yunho continued. "You dated girls before meeting Jackson, and you dated women in LA, but you never fell in love with any of them. Seonghwa-hyung is the second person you've fallen in love with. Jimin is a good friend of yours and not a stranger, and you didn't fall in love with her. The most you did was sleep with her. The two people you have fallen in love with so far are both men. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
Hongjoong felt everything he thought he knew about himself wash away.
"A homoromantic bisexual is... someone who is sexually attracted to men and women, but only romantically attracted to men." He whispered.
"Bingo. But that's for you to decide if that fits you." Yunho replied. "Labels are only meant for finding common ground. I'm just giving you another perspective to look at. You weren't trying to toy around with Seonghwa. You just didn't realize that you were physically attracted to men and women, but only had an emotional affinity for men. The only other person you'd ever loved was Jackson. That's what's been throwing you off for months now. You wondered why you were sexually attracted to girls, but never fell in love with one."
Hongjoong remembered that after Seonghwa gave him oral on Halloween, he asked himself why was he feeling something for Seonghwa while he was straight.
Right before he asked Seonghwa to try casual dating to see where it goes.
The feelings he had were sexual attraction and romantic attraction.
Suddenly, it all made sense.
The ravenette felt at peace. "Wow... so that's it, huh?" He chuckled. "Homoromantic bisexual. It's so nice to put a name to this storm that's been plaguing me for so long. Yeah... that's exactly what I am. I've never fallen in love with a girl, but I'm sexually attracted to them. With men... I've fallen in love, and I've been sexually attracted to them as well."
"Your sexuality doesn't define you, Hongjoong. It's just a part of your identity." Jackson spoke softly. "In high school, I thought it was everything, which is why I ran away from you. You're so much more. You're an amazing person. I understand why you pushed Seonghwa away. You were trying to protect him from your confusion and fear. I wasn't that selfless with you. I was just being a coward. But Hongjoong... you've always been a selfless person. I know you don't believe this, but you deserve love. You deserve Seonghwa. So go get him back, please."
Hongjoong sobered. "I may have finally put a name to my confusion, but that doesn't mean I deserve him. I still hurt him. There's no doubt in my mind that he will move on from me and find someone who loves him better. There's no way he still loves me. He'll forget about me. I ruined everything."
Yunho left the living room for a second and came back with his iPhone and earbuds that was hidden in his pink coat pocket.
"Jackson, can you leave the room for a few minutes?" He asked. "I need to show Hongjoong something."
"Alright." Jackson agreed reluctantly.
The white-haired man rose from his seat and patted Hongjoong's back before walking into the foyer to wait.
"What is it?" Hongjoong questioned when Yunho replaced Jackson's seat on the couch.
"I know you know about Seonghwa-hyung's blog, but I need you to know what it's about. Seonghwa runs an LGBTQ+ support blog called "Pretty in Pink." Yunho informed him. "He goes by the name Pink Princess. He doesn't tell many people about it, for obvious reasons. That's how I met him seven years ago. I was going through a horrible time, and he saved me. I owe him everything. My confidence, my strength, he was the one who helped me learn. He has helped thousands of people grow. And now... it's time for you to grow too."
Hongjoong's eyes widened when Yunho pulled up the blog on his phone.
The fact that Seonghwa was so caring and helped strangers with their own problems made Hongjoong melt.
He felt the self-hatred consume him more.
How could he have hurt such a saint?
"Seonghwa uploaded a video blog the other day." Yunho went on. "It's the most bare and emotional one he's ever uploaded. No script. No direction. Just him pouring out his soul to us. To you, Hongjoong. It may look like he was just addressing his followers at first, but this was meant for you more than anyone else."
Hongjoong gingerly took Yunho's phone, stuffing the earbuds in his ear.
He nervously tapped the play button on the video.
He was met with a red faced Seonghwa.
His cheeks were stained with tears, and his eyes were bloodshot.
His hair was unkempt, and his lips were dry.
"Goddamn it..." Seonghwa muttered, laying his head on his arm. "This is my tenth time trying to record this shit. The other nine takes are unusable. I was crying too hard."
Hongjoong felt his heart sink, wanting to reach through the phone and touch Seonghwa.
"Well, tenth time's the charm, right?" Seonghwa chuckled humorlessly.
"Hello my lovely princes and princesses. I'm sorry to be such a downer right at Christmastime, but this time, I need you guys' help and support. A lot has happened these past few months, and it all ended in a shit show. A shit show I never thought I'd star in. I feel alone. I'm not myself. All because I fell in love."
Seonghwa sighed tiredly, holding back the tears as best as he could.
"But before I get into all of that, I wanna share with you some pieces of my past that I've never told anyone. Not even my friends in the outside world. Maybe then... he'll understand why I reacted the way I did."
Hongjoong didn't miss the gender-specific pronoun Seonghwa used.
It made his heartbeat speed up.
"One of the issues you guys constantly ask me about is how to deal with your parents who disagree with your sexuality, something you have no control over. I realized that I never talk about my parents. Ever. Well, there's a reason for that. In my parents' eyes, I was a mistake. I was never supposed to be born. They only wanted one child. A perfect son. My older brother is that son. When I came along, they were more than unhappy. But they figured that one more person to add to their law firm wouldn't hurt."
"Unfortunately for them, I turned out the exact opposite of what they wanted. Their disdain for my existence returned tenfold. Growing up, my parents and I argued over what I liked and what I wanted to wear. I didn't like wearing shirts with cars on them. I didn't like playing with Legos. I liked pink. I liked princesses. My grandmother was the only person in my family who allowed me to be myself. When I visited her as a kid, she always let me play dress up with her. She bought me Barbie dolls to play with. Hell, she even came up with the nickname Pink Princess."
Hongjoong remembered Seonghwa talking about his grandmother back in November.
He spoke fondly of her.
He wondered where his grandmother was now.
"When I was eleven, my parents sent me away to live with her." Seonghwa continued. "They couldn't take my presence anymore. And damn, it felt like I was on vacation." He laughed softly. "She bought me new clothes in the bright colors and styles I wanted. I never wore the clothes my parents bought while I was with her. She taught me how to do makeup, and she walked with me proudly whenever we went out. People stared, judging us. A few even approached her, demanding to know why she allowed me to dress like a girl. Most of the time she ignored them. But sometimes, she would humor them with a response, like "fuck off." I never heard my grandmother swear before, and it blew my mind at the time."
Seonghwa trailed off, his bottom lip quivering.
"Shit, this is the part that made my previous takes useless. I start blubbering like a fucking baby." He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. "My grandmother died three years later. I was only fourteen, and I was devastated."
The ravenette gasped, feeling more tears threaten to leave his eyes.
Seonghwa sniffled. "She was the only light I had in my life. The only person I was able to confide in that I was gay. The only person who told me it was okay to be myself. That I wasn't weird or disgusting. Whenever I came home from school with bruises, she would tell me that I wasn't wrong. That the bullies were the ones who were wrong. She was the only one who went to my school to fight for me. Not even my own brother stood up for me. Even though the school board did nothing about the bullying, she never gave up. I eventually learned how to defend myself, but I loved her so much for caring about me."
"After she died, I had no choice but to move back in with my parents. My brother snubbed me, not wanting people at school to associate him with me. My parents wanted nothing to do with me. As I continued to grow up and enter high school, the fights escalated. It had gotten to the point of violence with my father. I was all alone again, with no one to lean on or talk to. I created this blog while I was a freshman, as my early followers know. You guys were a beacon, and I appreciate every last one of you. But... sometimes we need someone to physically talk to, you know? The virtual world can only do so much."
Seonghwa wiped his tears away.
"After I graduated from high school, I was at a low point in my life. My parents didn't want to associate with me anymore, so they bribed me with money so I would fuck off for good. I accepted their offer. With their money, I bought myself a car. I dyed my hair different colors. I bought all the clothes I wanted. You're all probably thinking, "oh boo-hoo, the rich kid is getting free money." But after my freshman year of college, I realized that I was miserable. Money didn't buy me happiness like I thought it would. So I'm saving up the money I'm getting from my parents to pay my student loans and buy a place to live. Cuz as soon as I graduate, I'm cutting myself off from them. I have a job right now working as a TA, and it feels so good to be doing things on my own. I don't want to rely financially on those who despise me and never wanted me to exist in the first place. I will not be their dirty secret. I will be my own person without any limitations. Fuck their money! Fuck it! I love myself too much to allow myself to be subjected to their ignorance!"
Seonghwa took a few seconds to calm himself so he could think clearly.
"So, what does all of that have to do with the shit show I'm in? Well, I fell in love with someone. And... it turned out that he was just using me. Ashamed of me. If by any chance he's watching this, which I highly doubt it, I want to tell him this: Even after the horrible things you've said, I still have feelings for you. You're awful, you know that? It's like you put a spell on me, and I keep hoping that you'll love me for who I am on the inside and not focus so much on the outside."
Seonghwa glared into the camera.
"I hate you. I hate you so much, I could just strangle you. You transformed me into a completely different person. I look at myself in the mirror and hate who I see. At the same time, I love you. I just wanna hold you and kiss you until whatever bullshit is going on in your mind gets resolved. You also changed me for the better. I'm much more sensitive and sympathetic. I also really like rap now. I hate myself for loving you. You're absolutely toxic. Like... that Britney Spears song. 'I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?' Damn it, why do I talk to you about Britney's songs so damn much?"
Hongjoong covered his mouth with his free hand to stifle a sob.
Seonghwa was perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
And he managed to fuck it all up.
"You aren't ignorant and cruel like my parents. I know you aren't. There's this unique spark inside of you that has drawn me in. You're special. You're special to me. I've tried to convey that to you, but for some reason, you refuse to see it. You hurt me instead. Why?" Seonghwa was full-blown crying.
"We had something amazing. I could feel it. Couldn't you?"
"Yes, I could." Hongjoong whispered, even though he knew Seonghwa couldn't hear him. "I felt it ever since you comforted me on Chuseok."
"Despite getting my heart broken in the end, I don't regret falling in love with you. I don't regret the bond that we shared. In fact, out of everyone I'd been in a relationship with, you're the one who made me feel the most loved. You made me feel beautiful. You showed me compassion when I fucked up, and you showed me that you cared about me. You gave me a chance. Even if it was all just an act, and even if you never really had feelings for me... thank you."
Seonghwa grabbed a tissue and wiped his nose.
"Ugh, I'm so unattractive right now. I hope this is a side to me you'll never ever have to see again, my princes and princesses. I just needed to vent and get all of this emotional baggage off my chest. Actually, I feel a lot better now. For those who made it this far into this shitty video, thank you so much. I love all of you. I promise next time I'll address issues that you guys have brought up with me."
"Before I end this, I have a little idea that I've just now decided that I wanna do. I don't want this support blog to just be a virtual thing. I wanna meet as many of you guys as I can. So, I wanna do a meet-up in Seoul. If you're interested in more details, let me know in the comments and I'll send you a private message. I don't want random homophobes to catch wind of this and crash the party. It'll be a casual thing. Maybe we can all get something to eat while we're out, too. Many of you have expressed interest in meeting me, and I have the courage now to do it. See you all soon."
Seonghwa reached forward with a bitter smile and turned the camera off, ending the video log.
Hongjoong slowly removed the earbuds, his own tears staining his cheeks.
Yunho looked at the ravenette expectantly. "Still think he wants to forget about you?" He asked rhetorically.
Jackson stuck his head back through the doorway.
When Yunho gave him permission to come back in, he knelt in front of Hongjoong, cupping his face.
"He needs you to be by his side right now." He told Hongjoong firmly. "So what are you waiting for?"
Hongjoong leaned forward and grasped Jackson in a tight hug.
"Thank you for coming here." He mumbled. "I don't know where we stand as of now, but we can figure that out later. I'm sorry it took so long for me to talk to you. And please give yourself a chance from now on. You deserve love, too."
Jackson closed his eyes, reveling in Hongjoong's warm embrace. "I'm sorry for being a coward. I've never met anyone as extraordinary as you, Hongjoong. Please don't change, alright?"
"I promise." Hongjoong pulled away from Jackson and directed his attention to Yunho. "Do you have the details of this meet-up?"
Yunho slowly grinned. "Of course I do. I'm always the first person to comment on the Pink Princess's posts. He already messaged me. Why? What are you planning on doing?"
"I'm going to see him." Hongjoong vowed. "And I'm going to tell him how I really feel. No more running away. No more getting scared. I'm ready. Yunho, there's something I wanna do, and I need your help."
Yunho nodded. "Of course. Anything you need."
Hongjoong pulled out his own phone and went on Seonghwa's website.
"What are you doing?" Yunho asked, peering over Hongjoong's shoulder.
"Telling Seonghwa not to lose hope in me."
__
Seonghwa shuffled into the moderate sized suite after taking a long shower.
The hotel room he currently occupied was even lonelier than the dorm.
His parents paid for the room every winter break so Seonghwa wouldn't have an excuse to come see his immediate and extended family for the holidays.
Joke's on them: he didn't want to see them anyway.
The blond sat down at his computer, drying his hair with a towel.
His inbox was filled with encouraging messages from his followers.
A lot of them were plotting ways to murder the guy who hurt him.
Seonghwa chuckled lightly as he responded to more comments and sent out details for the meet-up.
This would be good for him.
He couldn't stay holed up in the hotel for two weeks feeling sorry for himself.
This would be a fresh start.
Seonghwa stopped at a particular comment, puzzled.
lucky_98 wrote:
Don't end the chapter to your story just yet. After all, don't fairytales with strong and beautiful princesses like you have a happy ending?
Seonghwa sat in silence, rereading the message over several times.
He'd never seen a lucky_98 before.
Sure, he couldn't possibly know and memorize the usernames of all 9,000 of his followers, but something about this commenter seemed... different.
Like an omniscient force.
As if this person knew something he didn't.
Shaking his head, Seonghwa typed back a quick reply.
To: lucky_98
I certainly hope so.