The tournament ends in two minutes and we are very far from winning. 7:10 for us. I feel sweat from my forehead because I fear that my team is not going to win, even though I made a promise to Jules. Everything feels so slow, me and some forwards losing the ball again, our opposite team shouting of joy when their goals are multiplying and the goalkeeper missing the ball a few times. I can't blame him, everyone is putting their trust on me to win apparently.
As my coach is whistling, the velociraptors are shouting of victory, jumping and hugging each other. Our team seems very upset, and I am even more because I couldn't keep this stupid promise. I feel many emotions at the same time exploding in me, especially anger. I walk away, fast and I get in the changing room to calm down, knowing no one will go there before a while.
I look at myself in the mirror, my arms outstretched on either side of the sink and close my eyes, squeezing my fists so much it hurts and screams in anger. Maybe this tournament is not the world cup, but for me, it's still important. Very important. Soccer always owned a big part of my heart and my team always relied on me for everything.
I guess I disappointed them, and if they truly do, I understand. Because I disappointed myself too. Maybe even my girlfriend, best friend, family and... François. I would like my passion for soccer to come back, and to finally play again like before, like someone who has done it since he was a toddler.
I don't want to get out of the changing room and my coach is knocking at the door. "Hey buddy, your family is looking for you everywhere. Even that blonde girl you were talking to me about."
"Uhm, I'm changing", I automatically start to undress and put my clothes on.
"Take your time, but I would like to speak with you. Not a negative talk, okay?"
I still have to tell him that I'm not into soccer anymore. I'll find a way.
"Okay, I'm ready."
I get out of the place I stayed for long minutes and he smiles at me, even if I made us lose. "I'll say a few words to your parents and we will talk okay?"
I nod and look at him talking to my mom and waving at my girlfriend some meters away from the ladies of my family. I join him, meanwhile he's making me a sign from his head to come and we are going somewhere quiet where no one could hear us.
"You know, buddy, I'm still proud of you even if we didn't win."
I shrug my shoulders and pinch my lips, knowing that I am still not satisfied. "Well, that's because of me. I promised Jules I would make us win."
I am sitting on the floor and he is too, putting his hand palm on my shoulder. "Hey, what are you talking about? You can't blame yourself for not winning against the other team. You are not the only player out there. I just think the velociraptors were sort of more experienced."
I am shaking my head and my nape is gently knocking on the wall. "I am less good than I used to be. It makes me so mad."
"Hey Alexei, listen. You can't be good at something all the time. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself some chances."
I think this is just a sign for me to take a break from soccer. And I hope the team won't think I am betraying them."François, honestly I've been losing interest in soccer for some weeks now. I try to still be there for my team but it's harder than I thought, you know."
My coach is pausing. "Is there something you want to tell me?"
"I don't like to say this but..."I take some seconds before continuing my sentence "I think I'll take a break, François. Soccer isn't really a passion for me anymore, well for the moment."
He is smiling, his eyes becoming a little wet. I am feeling nervous and feel a little bit guilty. I think I just upset him. "I understand, Alexei. You should always listen to yourself. You were such a good player in our team and still are. We all appreciate you so much."
This makes me feel even worse. "I'm sorry, coach. I'm so sorry. I just can't play as I used to anymore."
"Hey, hey listen", he gets in front of me looking at my eyes. "You don't have to be sorry. I completely respect your choice."
"Yeah but what if I am betraying all of you?"
"You are not. If they think you do, it's their problem. Because you are not. If you need a break, you need it."
I guess is the only answer I thought about and he gets next to me again. "What did the doctor say about that?"
"What?" I ask him.
"Your loss of interest in activities."
I am widening my eyes of fear, staring at the white wall and trying to convince myself that I have to tell him.
"Well that's one of the reasons why I'm taking a break too."
"What do you mean?"
"The doctor said I am having symptoms of depression. As you said."
"Oh no, Alexei..." my coach is opening his arms to hug me. "I don't want you to go through that, Alexei... I really don't want to. You don't deserve this."
I am wrapping my arm on his back and my throat is tightening. How worse could it be? "I'll have a blood test soon, seeing if it's officially a depression."
I know he is crying. I know his eyes are watering. I feel him becoming emotional. "Oh Alexei, that's what I wished the least for you. I am so sorry."
I don't want pity. No matter who feels pitiful for me. I don't want this. "It's okay that's just why I decided to take a break from soccer."
"How did your parents react to this?"
As a boy who has Eastern European parents, I don't think they'll understand what depression is more than Canadian citizen parents would. Maybe some Russian parents will totally understand and be open minded about their child having this "illness" but I know mine won't.
"Well my mom didn't really understand, and Andrei, let's say he's a little bit gone."
"How so?"
"Andrei said I'm not his son anymore. And my both parents are not as close as they used to be since I fought with this man" I say briefly, not wanting to get into the details too much.
"What? He did what?"
I wait for him to keep talking and do not feel like repeating what I just said.
"Okay, I assume I heard well what he did. He shouldn't say those things, he would regret so much later not having you in his life anymore."
I shrug my shoulders and I see the mix of madness and disappointment in his face. They are both great friends, and François probably didn't see him this way.
"I can't believe he's doing this to you. I'll have a talk with him."
"No, please."
"I don't want him to make his own son feel this way. He doesn't help improve your depression for sure."
"He'll hate me even more if he knows I'm talking about what happened to you."
My coach takes a big breath, not in annoyance but out of desperation and looks at me with his watery brown eyes. "Did you do as I advised you to do? Talking with him about the situation?"
"That's exactly what I did, and he just got really pissed off. I don't know what to do with him anymore."
"Would you want me to help you in any way, Alexei? Maybe having dinner with him when discussing all this. What do you say?"
"Bad idea. François, that would be the best way to break your friendship with him. I don't want you to do anything."
"I need to at least talk about it with your mom. It can't be..."
He is noticing my knuckles and looks at me, fear in his eyes. "What happened to your knuckles, Alexei?"
I forgot that he could notice them at any moment. I totally forgot about this.
"Why are they red like this? What did you do to make them red like this?"
I am about to leave but he prevents me from leaving, getting in front of me. "I hit something."
"Mh", he's still looking at them. "I don't think you are telling me the truth."
I was mad and upset, so I started to hit the table too hard with my knuckles. I don't think I want to share this kind of information with him, even if I trust him above all adults.
"I am telling the truth", I am lying.
"It's unhealthy, Alexei."
"Unhealthy what?"
"Hurting yourself like this. Don't act like I didn't see your scars. I know you would keep wearing your pants instead of sports shorts if you were allowed to."
I feel shame pigmenting the skin of my face. I will definitely use other methods than this. Apparently it's too noticeable, more than I thought. I stand in front of him, not saying anything and he puts his hand on my elbow.
"You need help, buddy. You can't stay this way."
I start feeling impatient and irritated when he suddenly says something that calms me a lot more. "I won't get into your private life, okay? I'll get into it only if you ask me to. I won't say anything to your dad, okay? It's hard for me not to, but your confidentiality is critical."
I smile at him and he still has his sad face, that I deeply know he would be ready to ruin his friendship with Andrei Igorevich just to try helping me. But it's still a terrible idea. "Thank you. I really need you to act as if you didn't know anything."
"I can't really do that, you know... I'll still make sure you are okay, Alexei. I can't ignore the fact that you might be depressed."
I don't have many words wanting to come out of my mouth and he still talks to me, with a shaky voice. "You know, my wife... When we lost our kid she has the same symptoms as you. She is taking medication and she has to take a break from work because of our lost. He reminds me of you so much."
I am patting his back as an act of sympathy. "I'm really sorry for your wife and you to go trough your loss. You both didn't deserve that."
He nods, smiling. "Please Alexei promise me to not do this again."
"I'm ashamed of all this. Those stupid depression symptoms that I don't even know when they'll fade or if they'll stay permanent."
The best way to avoid a promise is to add something. And it's working every time.
"Hey look at me. You are a little warrior, okay? Not a little, my bad, but a big warrior. My warrior, your mom's warrior, and your friend's. You are strong. You are going to get trought those symptoms even if they are really not easy. I can guarantee you this."
He is pats my shoulder and hugs me again. "You know, if I could I would adopt you. I have known you since you were little and you had your very light blond hair and were always quiet when you didn't have your friends around. But I know your mom loves you too much to put you up for adoption."
"I would like you to be my dad François."
He looks very emotional. "Really?"
"Yes, a lot."
He is whipping his tears and sniffing. "Now Alexei, I want you to find another strategy to cope with your feelings. In exchange, I won't get into your business between Andrei and you. I respect your choice to take a break from playing soccer and I am glad that you listened to yourself. It's mature. Now the only thing left to do is to take care of yourself."
I let him hear an "okay", an "okay" that might not be the most honest ever. The school is pretty quiet and I fear that my family and Vicky have waited for too long.
"Anyway, I am not taking any time from you anymore. Go see your mom, your sister and your best friend and tell them that you say your best. I hope your mom will understand more about what you are getting diagnosed with and things to get better with your dad. "
"Thank you", I walk away but hear my name again.
"Oh, and I forgot."
"Yes?" I ask.
"Is the blond girl that was waiting for you the one you talked to me about last time?"
I blush and make a smile, a smile that I do every time the subject of her brings up. "Yes. We are dating now."
"My buddy, you are a man now. I am so happy for you." He expands his eyes and tells me with excitement.
"Thank you. I am happy to have her in my life."
"And don't forget to treat her like a princess. I know for a guy like you it isn't a problem."
"Of course, I will. She's my princess. My Vicky."
I leave, waving at him and walking fast to join my family waiting for me, feeling weird and low. Vicky is already waiting for me in the entrance of the gymnasium, smirking and her shoulder leaning on the wall. I am opening my arms to hug her very tight, as tight as I did when she was crying at work. Her hair still smells immaculate and I stroke her back.
"How did you even come here? Isn't it far from where you live?"
Yes, I texted her in the morning that I would be having a soccer tournament tonight. "Well kind of, yes", she blushes.
"And you went all the way to see me?"
"Well yes, obviously", she is winking at me.
I grab her chin and kiss her, smiling. She has beautiful lips. It's weird, because when I get with her I am able to feel a little spark of joy when I'm really struggling to feel. Her fingers are brushing my wrists. She is looking up at me, now saying that she is proud of me.
"That is so adorable of you, Vicky. You don't know how much it means to me."
"So you were flirting with the girl with dreads on the bench as I see."
My eyes are expanding and my heart is beating faster. "What? Why would I do that, Vicky?"
"Aw come one, it was just a joke!", she taps my shoulder. "You should have seen your face."
"Well, princess, you are the only girl I have eyes for. Don't worry, I am not into her."
"Did you really call me princess?"a bigger smile is forming on her face and her pupils are dilating.
"Yes, I did. Because you belong to me."
"Well, please keep on calling me like that. It gives me butterflies."
I am admiring her beauty, and cradling her cheek. "I'm glad it makes you feel this way."
"I am prettier than this girl anyway, aren't I? I shouldn't get worried about you flirting with her. She deserves a guy less good-looking than you."
I feel like the way she said this was wrong, but I still reassure her that she's prettier. I don't want her to suspect anything if I defend Ève.
I am holding her hand, determined to present her to my best friend as I promised, and Mom, trying to ignore the red flag Vicky just showed me. My best friend is hugging me, ignoring that I'm holding Vicky's hand. "I am so proud of you, Alexei. I don't care if your team lost, I just find you incredible!"
Should I tell him I'll quit soccer? No. I hate hiding from my best friend but this would upset him. He knows how important soccer was to me. My mom would be too, but less than my dad.
"Thank you, bro. I sucked at this tournament though."
"No, absolutely not! Did you see how bad some players are on your team?"
He looks at my girlfriend who is quiet, and he immediately changes the subject. "Is that your girlfriend?" he is whispering.
"No, she's my cousin", I am joking.
Vicky is giggling and sticks her waist next to mine.
"Very funny."
I am introducing Émile to my girl and he seems proud of me. They are talking for a short time and my best friend is looking at me, and then her. "Don't ever break my best friend's heart huh? He loves you a lot."
"Oh I definitely do not have the intention of breaking his heart. He can feel reassured with me."
"Good."
I am rolling my eyes because I know how Émile tends to test people seeing if they are trustable, and someone he's too much. But best friends are like this, aren't they? Making sure we don't get hurt. My mom is talking with my coach and my sister is accompanying her. They both run to us, fully excited to see me holding a girl's hand.
"Aleksey! YA byl prav, u tebya byli by chuvstva ot toy devushki, s kotoroy ty razgovarival po telefonu"
"Alexei! I was right, you would have feelings for that particular girl you were on the phone with."
I can't prevent myself from smiling and my mom is now charmed by her already. "Hello, I am Alexei's mom!"
"Hello", she is responding to her, shyly.
"Oh my god, so you're my brother's girlfriend?" my sister is almost jumping over her.
Vicky is nodding and is affirming that she is. I know it is a huge opportunity for my sister to make a new friend. She always has to be friends with everyone she meets.
"I am Anastasia by the way, but call me Ana."
"Okay, I'll keep that in mind. Nice to meet you. I'm Vicky."
My sister is opening her phone. "Do you want us to exchange our snaps?" she gets next to her already.
"Anastasiya, day ya s ney nemnogo pogovoryu"
"Anastasia, let me talk to her a little", my mom is cutting her off.
She closes her phone and Vicky stands there, probably feeling a little awkward. "Vicky, I'm really happy you found a boy like my son. You know, he's the most respectful and sweetest you'll ever meet" she leans to talk to her face to face.
"I bet. I know there are no boys like him."
I get next to her, wrapping my arm around her waist. "How old are you dear?"
"I'm fourteen."
My mom is thinking about other questions she could ask or things she could tell her. "Oh, not too young, that's perfect. At what school are you studying?"
"Jésus Marie, it's far away from here. It's a private school."
"Private school, it's really interesting. My kid's cousins that stay in Russia are going to a private school too."
"Oh, really?"
"Yes! A very well-reputed orthodox school. You know, it's a really great privilege for you to go there. Not everyone has the same opportunity."
"Yeah, it's true." Vicky looks distracted from behind.
"Anyway, you are welcome at any time if ever Alexei invites you over. When are you guys planning to see each other again?"
"Uhm... I just thought I could invite him to come over to my house this weekend. Would you want to come, Alexei?"
I look up at my mom, begging her to say yes only with my eyes and my sister looks interested in what she will say.
"Oh, absolutely. It's a good idea for you to present my son to your parents. Very well determined of you."
I am still wrapping my hand around her waist and I assume, I am kind of nervous about coming over to her house. I hope I'll get her parents approval. I can't really predict if they will. But I really want to meet her family. She's looking at me, waiting for me to answer and she is smirking again.
"What day of the weekend?"
"Saturday?"
"I won't work on Saturday, it'll be a pleasure to come to your house." I kiss her head.
She is jumping with excitement and my best friend blinks at me. "I am very happy for my son that he found a girl of his taste", my mom says.
My sister is starting to talk to my girlfriend for the second time and it doesn't bother me. If she's open to be friends with my love, I am glad. I know Vicky has a lot of friends, but I'm not sure if she's very comfortable with the affection my sister gives to her yet. Anastasia is the most extraverted person anyone could ever meet.
While I look at these two talking and exchanging their snaps, Émile gets next to me and is tapping my back. "Proud of you bro, first girlfriend in your life. I didn't even get mine yet! I knew a guy like you would make a lot of girls fall for you."
I laugh. "Well, thank you. Yeah, I'm pretty grateful to have found her in my life."
I look back and my coach is smiling at me, cheerfully. I know this girl is the little sunbeam of my life, and I will do everything to keep her. I just hope my diagnosis will not worsen and mess with our relationship. I'll just try to forget about it right now, and pretend I don't have any medical conditions.