I am waking up, in my mom's arms, wrapped in a towel and slowly opening my eyes.
"Mama?"
"Mom?"
I am still on the floor, wet from the water and feel stupid. My mom surely saw the burnings on my thighs. And my body has many huge red marks. Why didn't I think about it before???
"Moy angel!Ty v poryadke???"
"My angel! Are you okay???" she asks me with a shaky voice, looking dead happy to see me waking up.
I still struggle to be fully recovered and I try to answer her, but I suddenly vomit on the cold floor. My mom then fastly leads me to the toilet and caresses my back, talking to me in a soft voice.
"Dyshi moy zaychik... Dyshi"
"Breath my bunny... Breath", she is ordering me because I obviously do not take time to breathe before throwing up again.
Gosh, it feels awful. It takes one or two minutes before I stop throwing up and my mom still looks very worried. I am kind of embarrassed that she saw me naked... But she is my mom, she doesn't care.
"Tebe luchshe, solnyshko?"
"Are you feeling better, sunshine?", she asks slowly after I get to breathe a little bit.
"YA ne znayu, mama... YA vse yeshche chuvstvuyu sebya ochen' stranno..."
"I don't know mom...I still feel very strange...", I am saying while struggling to talk normally.
"Ostan'sya so mnoy, Aleksey, khorosho? I ya vyzvala skoruyu. Oni dolzhny pribyt' cherez minutu k drugomu."
"Stay with me, Alexei, okay? And I called an ambulance. They should arrive in a minute to another", is reassuring my mom, now caressing my hair.
We are both staying in the bathroom, still sitting and waiting for the ambulance. I am laying on my mom all of a sudden because I feel like my body is still too weak to stand up by itself. My mom looks reassured to see me conscious and breathing. "Aleksey, ya svyazhus' s vashim semeynym vrachom. Ty menya ochen' bespokoish', dorogaya."" And Alexei, I will contact your family doctor. You worry me a lot, dear.",says my mother who still seems often worried for me.
I mean, I will finally know what is going on with me. It's good news. My dad will probably tell her that it won't be necessary, but knowing my mom she will do it anyway, for me.
"Khorosho"
"Okay"
I think she'll talk about my thigh to the doctor too. And I really don't want this. My mom is cleaning up my vomit and the ambulances arrive after a couple of minutes. They are coming into our house and my mom runs to see them.
"Thank you so much for coming!", my mom tells the ambulance men.
"We hope we arrived on time. Does your son seem to feel better?", ask those men to my mom.
"He regained consciousness. But when he woke up he threw up..."
I hear them mumbling from the house entrance and I am in the bathroom, dealing with a huge headache. I still feel awful. The ambulance men are coming into the bathroom very quickly and I am laying against the wall, sitting. "Hello, buddy. Are you feeling okay? Do you see me well?" is asking the ambulance man.
"Uh yeah, I see you well..."
The men are laying me down on a bed and trying many things on me, to check my blood pressure and heart rate. My mom is asking some questions to them and still seems concerned about what happened to me.
"Miss Pacaroskova, how did all of this happen?" is asking one of the men to my mom while they keep on testing me.
"My son just got out of his shower, and I heard him falling very roughly on the floor. Right after I took off my coat.", responds my mom.
"If it can reassure you, miss, it seems like your son only has an ecchymose on the side of his arm. Nothing more."
She seems very reassured.
"Do you think the shower could have something to do with him fainting?"
"Yes, effectively. Your son has been doing a syncope, which is a loss of consciousness for a temporary moment. The principal cause of this would be a change in his blood flow somehow low pressure. Overheating is in fact one of the triggers of syncope..." explains the man. "Your son surely had a very hot shower to faint this way".
She is nodding and looks at me. I still feel weird, I hope the recovery won't be too slow. "Is it the first time that it happened to you son?" is asking another man, keeping on testing my heart rate and checking up on my breathing.
"Yes, it is. He never faints usually."
"Well, it is possible that your son has a syncope again. And if he is feeling dizzy or feeling that he will faint again, one of the best techniques is to lie down and lift his legs. This way gravity will keep blood flowing in his brain. He should never stand up fast if he ever feels this way."
"Should he see a doctor if it happens again?"
"Yes, he better be. And he shouldn't take hours to recover but minutes", he keeps on explaining to my mom.
My mom is looking at me, stroking my cheeks and telling me sweet words, to reassure me. I feel like she still treats me like a toddler, it can be embarrassing but at the end, it's how she demonstrates her love toward me. I prefer this to be yelled at by my dad. I am wondering how he'll react to it though, about what just happened. He will probably not care, knowing him. Well, because we fought.
"But a simple hot shower didn't cause his syncope, miss. But extreme heat. It is not normal for your son to take showers like that. His red marks are very noticeable on his chest also.", the man ends up saying.
The ambulance men are staying with my mom and me for close to fifteen minutes and they are leaving, telling my mom to keep an eye on me. "Thank you so much, gentlemen!", my mom says, very blessed that they went to help me.
I am gently standing up, and tell my mom that I am feeling exhausted and that I might sleep. "Yest' koye-chto, chto ya khochu znat' v pervuyu ochered'..." "There is something I want to know first...", is telling my mom before I go to my room and get dressed. "Da mam?" "Yes, mom?"
"Zachem ty prinyal takoy goryachiy dush, Aleksey? Pochemu v takuyu sil'nuyu zharu vy poteryali soznaniye?"
"Why did you take such a hot shower, Alexei? Why in such extreme heat did you pass out?"
I don't know how to respond. But I will reply with an answer anyway.
"Mne bylo tak kholodno... YA dazhe ne zametil, naskol'ko goryachim byl dush"
"I was so cold... I didn't even notice how hot the shower was."
I was very stupid to answer that. My mom seems very serious and she obviously doesn't believe in what I just said.
"Ser'yezno, Aleksey? V etom dome dazhe ne kholodno. I nevozmozhno vynosit' takuyu zharu v dushe."
"Seriously, Alexei?It's not even cold in this house. And it is impossible to endure such heat in the shower."
I don't know what to say.
"YA ochen' khochu spat', mama... Mozhno ya poydu spat'?"
"I really want to go to sleep, mom... Can I go to bed?"
She is staying silent for a few seconds. Will she fors me to say everything?
"Khorosho, dorogaya...
"Okay, honey..."
I am slowly walking away and she seems to not want to let me go."Ey... Aleksey" "Hey Alexei..."
"Da?"
"Yes?", I am asking slowly not knowing what she will ask me then.
"Ty v poryadke? Kak na samom dele? YA bol'she ne uznayu tebya, lyubov' moya... Ty vyglyadish' ochen' neschastnoy v eti dni..."
"Are you okay? Like really? I don't recognize you anymore, my love... You look very unhappy these days..."
I think she is expecting me to tell her everything but unfortunately, I won't.
"YA, mama."
"I am, mom"
She won't believe me for sure.
"YA znayu, chto ty lzhesh', Aleksey."
"I know you are lying Alexei", she is telling me with a straight face.
"Mama..."
"Mom..."
"YA tvoya mat', Aleksey. YA videl tebya kazhdyy den' v techeniye pochti polutora mesyatsev, ty postoyanno teryayesh' ves, nichego ne yesh', nikogda ne chuvstvuyesh' sebya schastlivym i vmesto etogo vsegda chuvstvuyesh' ustalost'."
"I am your mother, Alexei. I've seen you every day for almost a month and a half constantly losing weight, not eating, never feeling happy, and always being tired instead. ", she keeps on adding and starting to tear up. "Ty yele vstayesh' s posteli, Aleksey! Vy bol'she ne khotite tusovat'sya s druz'yami ili zanimat'sya tem, chto vsegda lyubili..."
"You can hardly get out of bed, Alexei! You no longer want to hang out with your friends or do the things you've always loved..."
I am standing in front of her, still being wrapped in my white towel. I don't want her to cry for me. I hate that. I hate when people do that. When they cry in front of me because they have pity or worry for me.
"A chto eto u tebya na bedre gorit-"
"And what is that burning on your thigh-"
"PREKRATI MAMA!"
"STOP IT MOM!!"I am raising my voice at her. I am feeling terribly bad. I can see her being shocked after what tone I just used on her and I can't help myself but to apologize.
"Mne tak zhal' mam... YA ne khotel na tebya krichat', ya-"
"I'm so sorry mom... I didn't mean to yell at you, I-"
"Prosto ne ty, Aleksey..."
"It's just not you, Alexei...", she is now telling with a frown face.
I now feel like throwing up all the guilt I am feeling right now. I hurt her. She was simply trying to help me, and that's how I thanked her, raising my voice telling her to stop. I feel like such a bad son right now. I want to hug her, saying how much I love her and that I promise that I won't ever raise my voice like this to her again but it won't work. She is wiping her tears with her hand and walks away.
I am feeling a huge headache right now and I think I might need physical pain again. But I don't have the physical strength right now. I am coming back to my room and I let myself go onto my bed, trying to not think of anything. Without even taking the time to get dressed, I am covering myself with my brown blanket and Luka is joining me, next to my head.
I know this might sound silly, but I sometimes talk to him. I don't know, I think every human on earth does that to their pet. I am caressing and mumbling to him, even though he doesn't understand a single word of what I say.
My eyes are feeling heavier and heavier and I end up falling asleep, my hand on Luka's fur.
My eyes are somewhat opening and I can see my mom, waiting for me to wake up. "Vash priyem u vracha naznachen na 30 marta, Aleksey. YA poydu s toboy.""Your appointment with the doctor is scheduled for March 30, Alexei. I will go with you.", I am hearing my mom tell me, still not fully woken up.
19 days left. 19 days before knowing what I might be diagnosed with. To be honest, I think I am not mentally ill or anything. I just think my life is just a whole crap for a while. I don't even know if I should stay in this universe anymore. Maybe leaving would feel good. I have wondered about this for a while now.
I am slowly falling asleep again and next to me, I hear a very loud vibration from my phone that is making me jump. I then open my phone to take a look and I see a notification, that is really catching my eye.
Vicky.
⚡️Vicky⚡️
Hi, sorry I lost my account for a while lol😅
How are you?
My heart is beating so fast and I feel this whole excitement coming in me again. Vicky! I thought she would never talk to me again after the video she saw. All of this is waking me up now.