I am waiting for my parents to pick me up and I am so stressed. I am slightly shaking from the hands and I can feel some sweat on my forehead. My sister is next to me, waiting for our parents as well and she notices how much I am.
-Pochemu ty v stresse, kak etot brat? chto-to sluchilos'?
(Why are you stressed like this brother? Did something happen?)
I keep staring at the wall and says:
-Moy uchitel' matematiki khochet vstretit'sya s mamoy, papoy i mnoy
(My math teacher wants to have a meeting with mom, dad and I)
Her eyes are expanding and she is opening her mouth wide open.
-Chto ty sdelal???
(What did you do???)
-Chto-nibud'.
(Something.)
-Chto?
(What?)
I am getting kind of annoyed and reply:
-YA mnogo raz spal na urokakh i provalil neskol'ko ekzamenov. Vot i vse.
(I slept many times in class and failed some exams. That's all.)
-Udachi s papoy...
(Good luck with dad...)
I am choosing to be silent and add:
-imenno poetomu ya napryagayus'.
(This is exactly why I am stressed.)
We are seeing a black car and our parents in it. My sister is looking at me with fear in her eyes. She knows how much trouble I'll be in.
-Oni tam.
(They are there.)
I am removing the sweat that I am having on my forehead with my wrist and walk towards the car behind my sister. As we are both entering in the back seats, my mom is smiling at us and asking about our day. My sister seemed to have a great day, and put her headphones on to listen to music.I answered that mine was good, even though I am not sure about that. My mom is not dumb, she knows that I am madly stressed. She then stretches her arm towards me so she can hold my hand, to reassure me. I tempt to put my AirPods on to avoid talking about the meeting but she doesn't let me.
-My poluchili pis'mo ot vashego uchitelya Alekseya... My sobirayemsya vstretit'sya s nim segodnya vecherom, cherez Internet v 19:00.
(We received a mail from your teacher, Alexei... We are going to meet him tonight, via the Internet at 7 pm.)
I am looking at her eyes, that are looking at me through the rear view mirror. She is always wearing her eyeliner and some light eye shadows. It looks perfect on my mom.
-Khorosho
(Okay)
My dad is mad, and I know that. That is why he is not talking. He is silently driving and my mom is adding that one sentence that makes me want to explode.
-YA ne sobirayus' byt' s toboy tem vremenem, mne ochen' zhal', dorogoy. YA idu v restoran s drugom, kotorogo ne videl mnogo let, i nedavno my zabronirovali stolik v restorane.
(I'm not going to be with you in the meantime, I'm so sorry, dear. I'm going to a restaurant with a friend whom I haven't seen in years and we recently made a reservation at the restaurant.)
Seriously??? So I'll be alone with my dad??? I want to beg her to be with me during the meeting so badly, but I am not a baby anymore. I have to accept it. I'll know that if ever my dad yells at me she would be there, making him stop. But it won't be the case,so I'll have to deal with his yells, or worse...
-No ya sproshu u Andreya, chto repetitor skazal yemu o tvoyem povedenii...
(But I'll ask Andrei what the tutor told him about your behavior...)
-YA ponimayu, mama.
(I understand, mom.)
We are heading home in a few minutes and I am watching the window very nervously. I don't want to have this stupid meeting, especially not with my dad.
I know that I haven't been on my best behavior lately, but I am literally risking my relationship with my dad. Already that we are not the biggest bestfriends on earth...
I am going to my room and my sister is staying in the kitchen, to grab some candies. My dad is noticing candies in her hands and he tells her calmly:
-Nikakikh konfet, Anastasiya. Ne do uzhina.
(No candies, Anastasia. Not before dinner.)
She is sighing and I see her putting candies in her pocket anyway. I am smiling at her exactly knowing what she did and she is giving me a knowing smile back. Her secret is safe with me, she knows that I am not a snitch. I am going upstairs to use some tissues and I decide to take a nap, because I didn't sleep a lot last night. I am laying my face right into my pillow and letting myself go. I think that the nap I took in math class haven't satisfy my sleepiness, because I already know that I'll be sleeping for hours straight right now. I have approximately 2 hours to sleep. It's not bad...
It feels good to feel calm for once, just being on my bed and falling asleep. My dreams have been weird, I don't remember any of them, really. I was feeling so cozy until I heard my dad coming into my room and shaking me aggressively.
-Prosypaysya, Aleksey! Do vstrechi ostalos' vsego dve minuty!
(Wake up, Alexei! We have only two minutes left before the meeting!)
Why does he have to shake me like that...
-Ladno ladno...
(Okay okay...)
-Ne govori so mnoy tak, molodoy chelovek.
(Don't talk to me like that, young man.)
-Prosti, papa...
(Sorry, dad...)
I then quickly get out of my bed and rush into the bathroom to rinse my face with cold water. I always do this after getting sleepy and it truly helps, it wakes me up well. Certainly more efficient than being shaked. My mom is quickly hugging me and kisses my forehead, telling me goodbye before she leaves and then my dad is kissing her, as he does every time before she goes out. I want things to be like this with Vicky.
I can feel my stress coming into me again and so stomach pain and sweat on my forehead. My sister is laying on the doorframe waiting for me to see her. I can read through her lips "good luck" and she is leaving to get into her room. I am nervously smiling back and she comes back to her room, minding her own business, or not... I can't wait for this meeting to end already. My dad is opening the computer, and is opening his mail from the teacher, that has a link in it. He is opening it to open the camera next, and to shut off the microphone before entering the online meeting. We are waiting a few seconds and the teacher is already joining, greeting my dad. "Hello, Mister Pacaroskov. How are you?",asks my tutor with a smile. "I am alright, thank you" answers my dad. Let's say that he doesn't care how my tutor is doing. He is only there to know about what is the thing with me. That's all he wants to hear.
"I thought it would be a good idea to just- Organize this meeting with you, and the mom if ever she is joining" my tutor is clearing his throat, "Alexei might need help somehow".
My dad is looking me straight in the eyes. "Thank you for organizing this meeting, sir. His mom, unfortunately, won't be able to join us, but I eventually will tell her everything that you'll address about my son in the few minutes"
"Before starting all of this intervention, I would like you to know that Alexei is not a bad student himself. He is very quiet and this is a great quality that I want more students to possess. It would feel so much better for my nerves if all of them could be as quiet and not bothering as him" says my tutor trying to make it humoristic. And this, without any success. My dad still have his straight face and is absolutely not in the mood to laugh. Not even giggle.
"What about his behavior recently?"
"I'll say..." my teacher is saying with a quite slow tone, "It should get better"
"How so?"
"Your son has been sleeping many times in class... This is one of the first things I have been noticing towards his behavior these days".
I can see the veins contracting on my dad's forehead. He is glancing at me and keeps on listening.
"He is impulsive a lot, too. Also troubles with concentration, his grades are getting us worried. Much of his homework hasn't been done either... You see, your son has many struggles and letting you know about this could help him work on them", is explaining my teacher.
There we go. As the teacher explains and gives more details, the more my dad becomes angry. I am staring at the floor because I do not want to deal with my dad's death stare that he is probably making me at this moment right now. I want to disappear. I don't want to be part of this meeting anymore. And I never wanted to be in anyway. The only things my teacher talks about are my behavior and problems in class. It seems to take an eternity before it ends and my dad is constantly asking questions about these so my teacher can keep talking about how "problematic" I am. "Your son can do better, and I am convinced about it. He always was a student who succeeded in everything. French may need improvement, but he should not keep on having this behavior in my class, Mister. And in no other teacher's either. ", he concludes. "I expect better of him".
I can see through my dad's eyes that his rage is feeling intense.
"My son and I will have a talk about all of this", my dad is saying to my tutor while gritting his teeth. " Right, Alexei???"
"Yeah", I am answering to him, trying to not face him. The meeting is officially ending and my dad is the first one to log off. He is slowly lowering the computer's top and I am standing up from my chair, falsity going back to my room. I know it's useless. I will keep having problems with my dad anyway. I try to close my door but my dad is blocking it, preventing me from closing it. We are staring into each other's eyes before he takes my arm brutally and gets into my room. "Yest' li sposob ob"yasnit' vse eto, Aleksey?" Is there a way to explain all this, Alexei?", he is asking me with a voice full of rage. "Mne nechego ob"yasnyat', papa" "There is nothing to explain all this, dad". Really, I don't think my dad would listen to me anyways.
"Kak tut nechego ob"yasnyat'? Kak eto voobshche vozmozhno?"
"How is there nothing to explain here? How is this even possible?"
He is definitely waiting for my answer while crossing his arms and I stay quiet, not knowing what to say. I don't want to say anything to my dad. I don't want to say anything to anyone. I am looking at the wooden cross that is fixed on my wall, right at the top of the door frame and looking around my room.
"Aleksey otvet' mne seychas. S kakikh eto por ty tak sebya vedesh'? Khm? Ty pochti ne yel dve proklyatyye nedeli, chertovski lenivyy, nichego ne delayushchiy v svoyey zhizni i vsegda v takom der'movom nastroyenii. YA tak ustal ot vsego etogo, chto vy ne predstavlyayete, naskol'ko! V chem delo? Vam bol'she ne nravitsya to, chto my gotovim? Pochemu ty bol'she ne tusuyesh'sya? Vash telefon interesneye real'noy zhizni? Chto yeshche? Chto!"
"Alexei answer me now. Since when have you been acting like this? Hm? You've hardly eaten for two dam* weeks, lazy as f*ck, not doing anything in your life, and you're always in such a shit*y mood. I'm so tired of all this that you have no idea how much! What's the matter? You don't like what we cook anymore? Why don't you hang out anymore? Is your phone more interesting than real life? What else? What!" Yells my dad to me.
My dad rarely cusses. He always tells me not to. Not only to me but to my sister too. It feels weird to hear him being foul-mouthed like that.
"Ne tol'ko etot Aleksey, no i vash akademicheskiy put'! Son na uroke? Vash chertov pis'mennyy stol boleye udoben, chem podushka, kotoraya lezhit u vas doma? A kak naschet vashikh zadaniy takzhe? Oni slishkom mnogogo ot vas trebuyut? Vy ponyali, chto vy nastol'ko lenivy, chto ne delayete, kak vse, radi svetlogo budushchego? Vy gordites' etim, Aleksey??? Eto syn, kotorogo ya vospityvayu???"
"Not only this Alexei, but also your academic path! Sleeping in class? Is your dam* desk more comfortable than the pillow you have at home? What about your assignments also? Are they asking too much of you? Have you realized that you are so lazy that you don't do like everyone else for the sake of a brighter future? Are you proud of this, Alexei??? Is this the son I'm raising???"He is throwing at me with his voice that raises up the more he talks. I think this is a bit too much. I am opening my mouth to say something but he is not yelling this time- but screaming:
"YA YESHCHE NE ZAKONCHIL GOVORIT'"
"I HAVE NOT FINISHED TALKING YET"
I hate when he yells like that but I won't lie; I expected that perfectly.
"A kak ty vedesh' sebya v shkole... Durak vedesh' sebya, Aleksey! Snachala udarish' kogo-nibud', pritvorish'sya bol'nym, i chto, uzhe? O, ponyal. Vybrosit' telefon, kotoryy dazhe ne tvoy, i sbezhat' iz shkoly?! Kakogo cherta Aleksey! Kakogo cherta! Vospitannyy mal'chik tvoyego vozrasta nikogda by tak ne postupil!"
"And how do you behave at school... You behave like a fool, Alexei! First you hit someone, pretends to be sick, and what, already? Oh, got it. Throwing a phone that isn't even yours and run away from school?! What the heck Alexei! What the heck! A well-bred boy your age would never do such a thing!"
If I am like this maybe because he is the problem. Following the logic, he is the one raising me.
"I znayesh', chto?"
"And you know what?", he is concluding with a discouraged laugh, "Udachi s Viki. Potomu chto devushki ne lyubyat durakov." "Good luck with Vicky. Because girls don't like fools''. This is the straw that broke the camel's back. I can't handle him trowing those words at me. Especially that he'v mentioned Vicky.
"YA NENAVIZHU TEBYA PAPA, YA NENAVIZHU TEBYA! TY SAMYY KHUDSHIY CHELOVEK I UZHASNYY PAPA, KOTORYY YA MOG BYT'! YA ZNAYU, CHTO MOZHET BYT' DURAKOM, KAK VY GOVORITE, NO, PO KRAYNEY MERE, YA NE BUDU TAKIM, KAK VY, ANDREY IGOREVICH! YA OCHEN' KHOROSHO ZNAYU, TY NE ZASLUZHIVAYESH' MAMU! VY ZASLUZHIVAYETE OSTAVAT'SYA NA ODINOCHKE S TAKIM, KAKOY VY YAVLYAYETES!"
"I HATE YOU DAD, I HATE YOU! YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON, AND AWFUL DAD I COULD EVER HAVE! I KNOW I MIGHT BE A FOOL AS YOU SAY, BUT AT LEAST I WILL NOT BE LIKE YOU, ANDREI IGOREVICH! I KNOW VERY WELL YOU DON'T DESERVE MOM! YOU DESERVE TO STAY LONELY WITH THE PERSON YOU ARE!" I am yelling the loudest as possible without stuttering a single time.
That's it, I think our bond between son and father is over. Broken in thousands pieces, and millions. I just said the most awful things I ever said in my whole life...
After everything that I had to say, I am getting closer to him to punch him right in the face because I am full of rage but he prevents me from holding my wrist very tight and slaps me very hard on the cheek as usual. My dad is a whole bodybuilder. There is no way I am going to be able to beat him up and what I just tried to do is the riskiest thing I could ever do. But I wanted to. I wanted to let him know what I feel about him.
"Poshel ty, Aleksey Andreyevich. POKHUY TEBYA!"
"Fuc* you, Alexei Andreyevich. FUC* YOU!", he is roaring at me while looking me straight in the eyes, making the most hateful eye contact I've ever had in my life and holding my wrist so tight that it starts to hurt me. I am actually in shock. My dad never but never said this to me, nor to anyone else. He is finally leaving me and my wrist ends up red. He turns out slamming the door so hard that some of my frames are falling off and the glass covering them breaks into sharp pieces.
"'BLYAT!!!"
"F*CK!!!", shouts my dad after he slams the door. 'Blyat is the worst cuss we can ever say in Russian. I still can't believe he just shouted it like that. I go toward my broken frames and I start to clean up the floor, shaking with rage.
I think I hurt my dad... I think so because when he is hurt, he never shows it but replaces it with wrath. I might have been quite far too but I don't feel like apologizing. I think that I have been quite honest and it should stay this way.
My sister is slowly opening the door and takes a few steps in my room . "Aleksey, ty v poryadke? "Alexei, are you okay?", she asks me gently with her eyes full of empathy. I keep on throwing the sharp pieces in my garbage can and ignore what she just asked me. My dad is appearing in the doorframe again and holds my sister's hand to go downstairs.
While my sister is not looking, my dad is putting his thumb through his index and middle finger and showing it off to me. Important detail; this is the equivalent of a middle finger. I get very offended and I open my mouth wide to show him how I feel about this. I can hear mumblings from afar the more they get close to the entrance of the house. "Chto sluchilos', papa?" "What happened, dad?",asks my sister, fearing that our dad will yell at her next. " Pochemu vy, rebyata, tak mnogo ssorites'?" "Why are you guys fighting so much?"
"Potomu chto s tvoim bratom v posledneye vremya ochen' trudno imet' delo... V lyubom sluchaye, segodnya vecherom ya vedu tebya v restoran. Kuda ty khochesh' poyti?"
" Because your brother is really hard to deal with lately... Anyway, I'm taking you to a restaurant tonight. Where do you want to go?"my dad is answering my sister without raising his voice.
Just a detail, my dad loves my sister a lot and I am not against this at all. If they both get along, good for them.
"Razve my ne sobirayemsya privesti Alekseya...?"
"Aren't we going to bring Alexei...?"
"O, net. On budet yest' to, chto u nego yest'. On vse ravno nikogda ne yest v eti dni."
"Oh no. He will eat what he has. He never eats these days anyway".
They both are leaving and my dad is leaving me, locking the door with the key. I bet my sister is feeling bad right now. After a while that I've been on my bed, staring at the wall and thinking about everything that just happened, I am getting downstairs to grab something even though I am not hungry and put some leftovers in the microwave.
As I am looking at the microwave waiting for my food to heat, I am thinking about my dad, all the things he told me, school and about Vicky. I am feeling this emotional pain coming in me again. I don't want to deal with it again so I am grabbing the lighter again, and remove my pants to burn my thigh for the second time. I am standing against the kitchen table this time and I am closing my eyes, without crying, focusing on the physical pain I put myself in.
After some seconds, the sound of the microwave is making me jump and I fastly put the lighter back. I am sitting on the same chair I sit on every day when I am having dinner and I am praying to thank God for the food and to talk about how upset I am and wish that things could change. After eating half of it, I throw what is left in the garbage and go upstairs again. I am sitting on my bed, staring at the wall and not knowing what to do.
I still am thinking about everything that has happened today and I suddenly feel like taking a shower two hours after scrolling on social media, because I got nothing to do. A hot shower, maybe as hot as last time. I am taking the time to pick some clothes and underwear in my drawers to sleep with, and throwing them on the bathroom clay vanity. I struggle to undress myself because of my burnings and I am finally getting in the shower, obviously turning the hot water on.
I am thinking about everything, again. Especially Vicky. Oh, Vicky... She hasn't texted me for days. Does it mean that she doesn't even want to be friends with me anymore? Will I still have a chance to be with her? I am thinking about the first time I met her and our face time. Her beautiful hair, majestuous eyes... I want her. But it hurts to think about her.
I need physical pain again. I hate this feeling of pain coming in my stomach again. I put the water even hotter than it was before, to the maximum heat. It really burns, but I still let the water fall all over me and I start to feel my heart beat faster. I try to resist it, trying to forget about these thoughts about Vicky. After maybe five minutes, I open the door, with a huge headache and not feeling very well.
As I get out of my comfort place, I am feeling dizzy, not hearing anything anymore and I feel pressure in my head. What is happening?... Will I faint? I feel like I will. I am barely able to stay up and still not dressed up yet, I suddenly fall very hard on the floor and am not conscious of what's happening anymore.