I've dreamt about Ukraine and my best friend's family suffering. I have some tears coming out of my eyes and I think of them emphatically. Thankfully, it's a Friday off of school and I can finally rest. Not having to wake up at freakin 7 am and making my usual routine seems like a sacrifice to do since I'm feeling depressed like this. Directly after opening my eyes, I make a fast prayer and grab my phone, to see if Vicky texted me.
⚡️Vicky⚡️
Goodmorning!😊
She texted me goodmorning?!
Мне
Goodmorning Vicky, how are you feeling?
⚡️Vicky⚡️
I'm good! U?🙃
Мне
I'm good too!
Lie. But I don't want to seem like a victim and to vent everything on her. I think she deserves better than this. I think I need to be positive with her.
⚡️Vicky⚡️
What are you doing rn?
Мне
I just woke up, lol. You?
She answers me within minutes and we keep texting for a while. I am thinking about what my dad told me about making my first steps and that's the only thing that came into my mind. I have to show her interest, but I think that I shouldn't make it too obvious.
Я
By the way, I don't want to sound creepy or whatever but I found you pretty when we facetime yesterday.
CRAP DID I REALLY TEXT HER THAT?
⚡️Vicky⚡️
Really??🤭Thanks you!
Okay, she didn't take it weird. Thankfully.
⚡️Vicky⚡️
Do you want to know something?
Yes I do.
Мне
What is it?
⚡️Vicky⚡️
You are very handsome, did you know that?
Oh gosh, I am feeling it. Butterflies. She makes me crazy. And she made me even more.
Мне
Wait you mean it?
I never knew if I find myself pretty or ugly. I simply don't have an opinion about it because I don't really focus on that.
⚡️Vicky⚡️
Why would I lie about this, lol. I think the most creepy between us both is me, hahahaha
I shouldn't directly believe that she likes me and that she sees me the same way I see her. I can't know if a girl thinks a boy is handsome and tells him that she's in love. And there is no way on earth that I'll ask like a stupid "do you like me, Vicky???" after she told me I'm handsome. I am randomly going to my camera roll to look at myself, also to examine. I am blond, I have dark brown eyes and I have braces. I'm also tall, but what else? Should I ask her? I don't know, it would be weird. What I know is that I need to tell this to my friend.
Мне
BRO
Marco🥱
Since when you have that much energy dangggg
Мне
Marco, Vicky told me that I'm very handsome. What should I do?
Marco🥱
Smash her bro
Мне
Dude... Seriously
Marco🥱
Ask her out somewhere! If she told you this it may be because she might feel something for you. And bro you look very handsome, you clearly have a chance
What about my personality? Would she like to date a horrible reputed guy? What if she knows that I am the most hated of my school? Will she see me differently? I simply won't tell her, that's it. There is absolutely no point telling her anyway.
Мне
I don't know man. I don't even know if my personality fits with her standards or if it's good
Marco🥱
Dude, don't worry about that. She will get to know you even more and your personality is great, man! You have an attitude, and strength which attracts every girl. It's impossible that she wouldn't have something for your personality.
I don't know if my attitude could fit into the "good personality" but alright...
Мне
I mean I don't know...
Marco🥱
Com on man, you are strong. Get out of your comfort zone!
Мне
Okay, I'll try
Marco🥱
Haven't you ever had a girlfriend before??
Мне
No...😅
Marco🥱
Bro what? Nah do something
Мне
Bro I don't even know how girls are. They apparently are very complicated
Marco🥱
Just be yourself Alexei... It's not that complicated. You know what? Let's FaceTime and I'll give you so many tips
Face timing is not my favourite thing, not going to lie. But I think this one will be important.
We are FaceTiming and he is giving me tips as he told me he would. I am paying attention that what he is saying and I am still staying in bed, my favourite place of these days. I am also telling about her to Émile and he seems very excited that I get to be in love for the first time. I told my cousin as well, and my other bestfriend. My three favourite people. I don't know how to ask her out. "Hey Vicky would you like to go out with me this weekend?". It sounds silly, and I know that I would be mad blushing if I tell her that. I am scared that I am out of her league, or that I'll be boring to her. I just don't know what I'll do, and I'll have to take time to think about it. My friend have is hunging up because he haves to take a shower and is wishing me good luck. I don't think it should be luck, but a blessing that Vicky accepts my invitation. I am still in bed, not doing anything of my day and struggling with a burnout because I don't have any motivation and strength to do my homeworks. So I am looking at the roof, for a moment and open my phone, for a long time...
My sister is home and I hope that she did not hear anything of what I talked about with my friend. I know that she'll want to give me a hold interrogatory and I think that it's not necessary to her knowing my personal love life. And my parents, are probably cooking and not paying attention to what I was doing, because my door was closed.
It's two in the afternoon and I haven't done anything of my day. Nothing. I am only staying in bed, having very short naps and texting. Before, I wasn't like this. I always went out with my bestfriend or taking walks. Going outside, buying groceries for my parents and planning huge activities with my friends. But it just doesn't really get mt attention anymore and I just want to stay in my room, not doing anything and that's it. After having a snack with my sister, she is telling me before leaving the house:
-Aleksey, ya poydu v torgovyy tsentr s druz'yami, khorosho? YA skazal mame i pape, i oni razreshili mne
(Alexei, I am going to the mall with my friends okay? I told mom and dad and they permit me)
-No kak ty tuda poydesh'? Nashikh roditeley net ryadom, chtoby zabrat' tebya ottuda... Drug zaberet tebya?
(But how will you get there? Our parents are not there to pick you up there... Will a friend pick you up?)
-Nu, oni vse rabotayut, poetomu ya poyedu na obshchestvennom avtobuse, tak kak ya boleye avtonomen.
(Well, they all work, so I'll take the public bus since I'm more autonomous.)
My little sister never took the public bus before, and I refuse to let her take it alone. What if she gets lost? And I know that there are many but many disgusting people that would try to approach her. She is only 13, I can't let her take it by herself.
-YA poyedu s toboy na avtobuse, chtoby ubedit'sya, chto ty v bezopasnosti
(I'll be taking the bus with you to make sure you're safe)
She is rolling her eyes and tells me:
-Bro, mne ne nuzhno, chtoby ty shel so mnoy, ya uzhe ne rebenok...
(Bro, I don't need you to come with me, I'm not a kid anymore...)
-Sestrenka, segodnya ya pod tvoyey otvetstvennost'yu, potomu chto mamy i papy net doma. YA ne mogu otpustit' tebya odnogo v sluchayno vybrannom obshchestvennom avtobuse. Chto, yesli vy zabludites' i vas okruzhat opasnyye lyudi?
(Sis, today I am under your responsibility, because mom and dad are not at home. I can't let you go alone on a random public bus. What if you get lost and dangerous people surround you?)
-Opasnosti net! Dang. Ty vsego na dva goda starshe menya, perestan' pritvoryat'sya vzrosloy.
(There is no danger! Dang. You're only two years older than me, stop pretending to be an adult)
My sister sometimes... She can be very ignorant. I am not trying to be an adult, but being protective to her, making sure she is safe.
-Anastasiya, ya ne budu tusovat'sya s toboy i tvoimi druz'yami ves' den', ya budu tol'ko v avtobuse. I ya ne pytayus' byt' vzroslym, znayesh', ya prosto vypolnyayu rabotu svoyego starshego brata, chtoby ubedit'sya, chto ty v bezopasnosti
(Anastasia, I will not hang out with you and your friends all day, I will only be there in the bus. And I'm not trying to be an adult, you know, I'm just doing my big brother's job to make sure you're safe.)
-Nu, ya mogu poyti sam. I mama zaberet menya, chtoby otvezti domoy
(Well, I can go myself. And mom will pick me up to take me home)
Oh my gosh...
-Ty khochesh' idti ili net?
(Do you want to go or not?)
-YA delayu!
( I do!)
-Nu poshli. I ya yedu s toboy v avtobuse, ponyatno?
(Well let's go. And I will be coming with you in the bus, understood?)
-Otlichno!
(Fine!)
I really want to not let her go. Her behavior really gets on my nerves for real. I am grabbing a mint as I always but always do before going out, and close the door of the house with the key. Mints are my addiction. Its taste is amazing. I am walking with her to the bus stop and it seems like she already knows what bus to take and where to stop. I am not regretting going with her because I would never move on if someone did something to her. Humans can be so disgusting and we never know what can happen. As we get in the bus, she is looking at the window and texting on her phone, while I am looking at the floor. Thinking. Again. My little sister might be mad at me, because she usually talks all the time to me. Especially when she is about to do something exciting. And I am there to listen to her. After a while, I'll say 15 minutes, we are getting out of the bus and walking. We are getting in there and there is a huge gang of teenagers. She is recognizing them and seems happy to see them again. I can't believe she can stand hanging out with so many people. I am telling her before she leaves:
-Veselis', Anastasiya.
(Have fun, Anastasia)
-Poka
(Bye)
She is running to see her friends and they seem all excited. Even though my sister can be very ungrateful and taking almost everything for granted, I love her and like to see her happy. I am slightly smiling and leave the mall, to take the bus again. I enjoy taking the bus. It's peaceful and I can have my own space. Doing whatever I want without needing to force myself to create a conversation to socialize.
I am going home again and I am unlocking the door with my key and getting in. My cat is joining me, rubbing my leg with his head. I love cats. They are the best. I am caressing him and he is purring loudly. Luka is a bengal cat, who is pretty much affectionate towards his owners, especially me for no reason. My mom had him when we were still in Russia and he is 7 years old. She loves those cats.I know that she wouldn't make it in life without cats. They are her therapy. Luka is looking at me with his huge green eyes and I am laying on the floor, still caressing him and scratching his belly. After a while, I come into my room again and he decides to go on the sofa, sleeping and resting. It's adorable. I am opening my phone again and I am receiving many notifications. Some are from Vicky and some, friend's. I am thinking about what my friends and dad advised me, making my first steps. so I am then about to ask her if she would want to hang out with me someday. I'm extremely stressed after opening the snapchat app.
⚡️Vicky⚡️
Is that you?
She is sending me a link and my heartbeat is being extremely fast. It's the video of me smashing Félix's head on the cafeteria table. Oh my gosh no. No, no, no, no!!!!! I don't want my reputation to be visible to her! I want her to see me as a good boy, not a violent one! I am standing up, shouting so loudly and starting to throw things in my room. Why is all of this happening to me??? Why does the girl I love have to see all of this??? Why couldn't it stop right there? Why does that video even keep on spreading everywhere??? Why, why, why?! I feel like throwing glasses and plates on the floor, I feel like punching the wall, everything.Just letting all this anger go, something! I know what would actually help to cope with my emotional pain. Physical pain. I am searching for the first thing I am having in my mind, and so I am opening the kitchen drawer to grab a lighter. It'll hurt to death, but if it's the only thing that could help me going through those rough emotions, I don't care. After grabbing it and closing the wood drawer, I rush into my room and close my door even though there is no one there, and fastly lower my pants, to burn the side of my thigh.I am standing against the wall, shaking in pain and keep on doing it. It hurts, it really does. My skin is all red and I am slowly putting my pants on after a while and rest my eyes and sit there, in my room, for a moment. What will I explain to Vicky now? I am deciding to put the lighter back at it's place again so my parents won't doubt of anything and open my phone, replying to her:
Мне
It was self defense, Vicky. This guy smashed my face against my food so I wanted to teach him a lesson. That's it.
⚡️Vicky⚡️
Oh okay. Are you telling me the truth?
Why would I lie about this, really? Nooooo you know, I smash people's heads for fun. This is absolutely ridiculous.
Мне
I am, Vicky. Why wouldn't you believe me?
⚡️Vicky⚡️
Because it seems like no one sees the situation as you do...
Oh my gosh. What can I tell her? That I am the most hated student in the school so everyone is on my adverse's side? That this guy bother me non stop for fame and people's attention and because he likes to see me mad? That he finds it funny?
Мне
Vicky, I promise you that I am telling the truth
She is typing and I add:
Мне
Do you mind if we don't keep talking about this? You saw the video, and now you'll think like everybody does
⚡️Vicky⚡️
Okay, sure
Мне
Thanks you, Vicky
⚡️Vicky⚡️
Anyways, I'll be watching my serie now.
Now she sees me as a violent and harmful guy. What can I do to prove to her that she is wrong? I think that I won't be asking her out today... I received texts of my friends asking if I would like to hang out with them today, but I clearly don't have the mood for this.