Harry's POV
Jen was upset over something, I had no idea what. We agreed I would drive her into work since I was headed into the city anyway, but she was acting like she didn't want to be in the same vehicle as me now.
Last night I knew she was hurt when I pushed her away, but I had my reasons, I knew she was upset when she turned her back to me without even a good night. I tried to tell her I loved her, but she ignored it. I wanted to tell her what was wrong, but I knew she would just think I was being stupid.
I couldn't just let her leave the house without sorting this. I didn't want to have the conversation with Angus present, but I had no choice. She wasn't going to go to work so worked up over something, and I would be stuck all day worrying about her.
I ran out the house, and opened the door to her side of the car.
"Baby, what's happened? You have to tell me, you can't just leave the house like that and expect me to just forget about it and carry on with my day. This is about last night isn't it!"
"You know what Harry? Why don't you just go back in the shower and continue on with what you were doing, because you clearly don't need someone as fat and ugly as me to do it for you anymore," she screamed.
I took a step back, shocked that she had walked in on that, and surprised this is what had her so worked up. I knew last night had an impact on her, but I didn't know it had escalated to this level of emotion.
"I guess you can fall out of love with someone as fast as you fall in," she ended the conversation, slamming her door shut.
What? I had no idea what she even meant by that. Did she think I was falling out of love with her? Or was she falling out of love with me? I just stood there in shock, watching Angus drive them away.
What the f*ck was going on? How did me wanking myself off in the shower suddenly put a strain on our relationship? And now make me question where the hell we stood?
I kept trying to call her as I made my way inside, but she wouldn't answer.
"God damn it Jen," I threw my hands up in annoyance. How the hell was I meant to go into the studio now, record something for an album, when I had this shit hanging over my head. It's not even like I could just show up to her work, she would probably tell security to stop me.
"Dude are you okay?" Sam came down the stairs.
"F*cking perfect, just dandy," I huffed.
"What's she done now? I swear this pregnancy is turning her into an emotional wreck. Please never get her pregnant again, I can barely handle her mood swings," she rolled her eyes.
She understood what living with Jen was like for the last month. The more pregnant she was, the worse her moods were. She was constantly emotional, extremely self conscience, and always picking fights over the smallest of things. Especially with her sister.
"I'm starting to think adoption is on the cards for the next child, if we even make it to a second one," I dragged my fingers through my hair in frustration.
I didn't mean that, no matter how much she pissed off me, I still saw her as the only girl I would spend my life with. I would take the mood swings and anger all over again to keep her with me, no matter how frustrating it was.
"Oh come on, you're Harry and Jen, if you guys can't get through a little bump in the road then what hope do I have? God if I'm like her when I'm pregnant, I won't blame Calum for running away screaming," she chuckled.
"She's not that bad," I defended her.
"Harry, she started having a fit because I spilt some water on rug, it's water, it dries."
"In her defence, she's told you a thousand times not to drink in the formal lounge, you know how to push her buttons. I think we both do, I can't really blame her for being the way she is.
She's also got another human growing inside of her, kicking about and making it impossible for her to sleep a full night without fidgeting around, sometimes I think she's almost too calm for the lack of sleep she gets."
"Okay, so why are you so pissed off then?" She asked me.
"Has your sister spoken to you about not loving me anymore? Or thinking I don't love her?"
If Jen was having these thoughts, her sister would be the first person she would tell. Hopefully she could give me some insight as to what the hell was going on in my relationship, because I was clearly ignorant to it.
"Ah no? She hasn't said a thing about that? You do still love her right? You're not going to abandon her and the baby are you?"
"What? No Samantha absolutely not. I love your sister more than anything in the world, I would never abandon her or my child. Is that what you think is going to happen? Is that what she thinks is going to happen?"
Did Jen think all this? Did she think I wasn't committed to us and our family?
"Oh my God relax, she hasn't said anything to me about any of this! You need to calm down and just talk to her, clearly you have some insecurities and I obviously can't help you."
Now I was making things up in my mind, working myself up over nothing at all. I knew the whole problem was me pushing her away the last couple of nights, she made that clear when she said was fat and ugly and I didn't need her anymore.
Of course I bloody needed her, I needed her since the first day I met her, in every way. She was insecure about her appearance now, and I hated that she thought the reason I didn't want to have sex was because she was larger than I'd ever known her to be.
I just needed to clear my head, and explain to her tonight what was happening in our relationship, and why there was a lack of intimacy between us lately. It had nothing to do with how she looked, but everything to do with how I felt, this was all on me.
"Do you need a lift to university or work or something? I'm headed to the studio for the day."
"Nah, I have the day off today so I'm just going to bum around, I'll see you later," she left me to myself.
I tried to call Jen again but she turned her phone off. Today was going to be a long day, I just hoped it got better from here.
...
Today's studio session was shit to say the least. I wasn't hitting the notes, I was forgetting the lyrics, and stumbling on the simplest of words. I thought it would help keep my mind off Jen, but it didn't.
"Harry mate, what's going on with you today? We had this ready and perfected two days ago," Niall called through from the production room.
"Just give me a minute Niall," I yelled out in frustration. I was pissed off at myself for messing everything up today, not only professionally, but in my personal life too.
Jen still wasn't texting back or answering my calls, which only distracted me more, resulting in me messing up everything during my recordings. This wasn't like me, I never performed like this.
"I think you're done for the day mate," Julian, one of our songwriters and producers, shut down production for the day.
"Whatever," I threw the headphones off myself, flinging the recording room door open and slumping down on the couch.
"What the f*ck is up with the temper tantrum? What's wrong with you today? You've been in a shit mood all day," Niall called me out on my poor behaviour.
I had two options here- tell him to mind his own business, or ask for his opinion on the Jen situation. He couldn't really understand my hesitations in sleeping with her, since he wasn't a dad to be, but maybe he could give me an insight on why she was so pissed off at me.
I decided on option two, it was better to talk to my friends about it, get their opinion on it, then try and explain to Jen why I was acting the way I was.
"I'm fighting with Jen I think."
"You think? Mate if a chick is pissed at you, you will definitely know about it, what happened?" Julian asked.
"Well last night she wanted to have sex, and I kind of pushed her off,"
"What did you do that for?" Niall asked appalled that I would do that.
"I'll get to that just let me explain. So she rolled over and I told her I loved her..."
"Did she say it back?" Niall interrupted.
"No."
He and Julian then shook their heads and began to laugh.
"Yep, definitely in the dog house," Julian announced like I didn't already know that.
"Just hear me out without interrupting me. We haven't slept together since I've been here. The first six weeks she wouldn't because she said it would affect my recovery, then a couple nights ago when I got the all clear she tried to initiate something.
Obviously I was into it, we did everything we normally did, but when it got to the actual sex part of it, I panicked. So I told her I was tired and I guess she just believed me.
Then last night she tried again and I rejected her again, and this time she got upset. So this morning when I was in the shower she caught me wanking off. I didn't know she saw, I only found out when I was ready to drive her to work and I noticed she was crying, and refused to let me take her.
So then I ran out to the car and asked what happened. She said she saw me this morning and that I don't need her anymore because she's fat and ugly, then she said I guess it's easy to fall out of love with someone as fast as you fall in, or something along those lines.
Now she won't answer my calls, she's got her phone off. What the f*ck am I meant to think of it? She thinks I won't sleep with her because of her appearance, and I don't know if she thinks I'm falling out of love with her, and she's falling out of love with me."
It did feel good to tell the lads about this, I just hoped they would make me feel better somehow rather than make me feel worse about the whole thing.
"Why does she think she's fat and ugly? She's f*cking gorgeous, do you tell her that? I know my missus is insecure about that shit so I tell her all the time she's beautiful, chicks needs that assurance I guess," Julian questioned me.
"Of course I tell her, she was and still is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, since day one I've thought it, and constantly remind her of it. She's pregnant, she thinks the bigger she gets the uglier she gets.
The reason I won't sleep with her has nothing at all to do with what she looks like, she still looks perfect to me no matter what. I still love her today as much as I ever have, so that's not the issue either."
"So then what's the issue Harry? You really can't blame her for being upset over you rejecting her, without even giving some kind of explanation."
Niall was right, I couldn't blame her for planting these thoughts into her head, because I gave her no reasons.
"Fine, I'll explain," I told them, and explained to them exactly why I was so hesitant to be intimate.
...
I spotted Jen's car in the drive way, which told me she was home already. I didn't know what I would be walking in on, or what kind of mood she was going to be in. I mentally prepared myself for the worst, and walked into the house.
Angus was in the lounge watching TV, and I could see Sam in the kitchen cooking dinner. I couldn't see Jen though, I hoped she was actually home, we needed to talk about everything.
"Where is she?" I asked Angus, and he nodded towards my bedroom door. I gave him a small head nod and headed towards my room, entering it hesitantly.
"Jen?" I saw her laying on the bed with her back to me. I closed the door and walked in further, taking a seat next to her.
Her eyes were open and looking at me, they looked sad, almost frightened, like she was worried about how this conversation was going to turn out.
"Do you love me?" She asked straight out. It may have been the most ridiculous thing she had ever asked, but I was going to do whatever it took for her to believe I did.
"Baby of course I do, is that why you made that comment this morning? Do you think I've fallen out of love with you?"
She shrugged, taking her bottom lip between her teeth to keep her from crying.
I laid down next to her, coming face to face with her. It killed me she even thought this was, this was my fault she even planted this idea in her head.
"I love you more than you know, and more than you believe. I think you're the most beautiful person inside and out that I've ever known, so don't ever call yourself anything less than what you truly are."
"If you love me, and you think I'm so beautiful, why do you keep pushing me away when I try to make love to you? Are you just not attracted to me in that way anymore? I don't get it, you've never rejected me."
"It has nothing to do with you, I assure you of that. You still drive me crazy in every way, my heart still races when you kiss me and touch me. Who do you think I was thinking about when you saw me this morning? You, it's always you."
"So you think of me, but you just don't want me to make you feel that way? It doesn't make sense to me Harry."
"I'm scared okay? The other night when we were about to have sex, all I could think about was hurting you and hurting the baby. What if I push too far and I hit it or something?
It just kind of freaks me out having sex with you, knowing our child is inside of you. It has nothing to do with you, it's all on me and the voices in my head.
There isn't long to go until you deliver- what if I do something that brings the labour on early, or I do something that will affect you. I'm scared to risk it, so I would rather just deprive myself of you, than do anything f*ck anything up."
When I told Niall and Julian about this earlier, they both told me what an idiot I was being, and how over cautious I was. They told me to tell Jen, and she would probably understand why I was being the way I was.
Maybe I was over sensitive to situations like this, and maybe I did overthink things too much, but I would rather be safe than sorry.
"That's why you won't have sex with me? Because you're scared?" She asked me to clarify.
"Yes...I know that's stupid."
"It's not stupid, it's just how you are. I should have known it was something like that, and not thought the worst. You are always protecting me and trying to prevent me from hurting, but Harry, it's fine.
Nothing you do will hurt me or the baby, if I thought something was dangerous I wouldn't have pushed myself onto you...twice."
"So you're not mad at me anymore?"
"How can I be mad at you when you were just trying to protect me? I'm mad at myself for always jumping to conclusions and causing problems where there doesn't need to be any."
"No, I should have just explained and been honest from the start, you had every right to act the way you did. I'm sorry I ever made you think I didn't love you, or that I wasn't attracted to you."
She reached her hand up and brushed my cheek, the gesture was comforting, like she believed everything I had just said and she forgave me for being an idiot the past two days.
I just didn't want to upset her by saying I didn't want to sleep with her while she was so pregnant, but that backfired on me because I upset her even more by not telling her.
She leant in and kissed me, and I pulled her into my arms, warming up her cold body.
"So apart from me ruining your morning, did you have a good day?" I asked her, trying to lift the mood.
"Yeah, the office threw me a baby shower slash going away party kind of thing. I had a good chat with one of the girls in the office actually."
"Oh yeah, what about?"
"She just referred me to some pregnancy classes I think we should go to. She also told me her and her husband had trouble with sex during pregnancy too, and they went to this class to help them learn about it."
"Don't tell me you want to go to that," I laughed at the suggestion.
"I think we need it Harry," she looked up at me, with full seriousness in her eyes.
"You really want some stranger to teach us how to have sex? I think we do a pretty good job of it in our own."
"I'm not saying we don't, but it will help you understand better that it's safe, and what to do so you don't hurt me. I think it will be good for us, plus I want to go to a birthing class and one that teaches you everything you need to know post labour.
She said the classes were really helpful, and I really don't think either of us are exactly prepared for this, please don't fight me on it. I want to do the classes," she looked at me with her big brown eyes, she knew I could never say no to them.
"Fine, book it in and we'll do it," I gave in.
"And you'll do it with a smile on your face?"
"Have I ever been around you without a smile on my face? If I had to go to this alone I wouldn't be as enthusiastic, but with you I'm sure I'll enjoy it."
Whatever she wanted to do I would do it, just to see her happy. Sometimes you had to step outside your box for the one you love.
She made me do things I wasn't comfortable with, but what was life without someone pushing you into situations you wouldn't normally get yourself into.
"I love you," she made my heart race with just those three words.
"I love you more, baby."
***
WHO'S EXCITED FOR BABY JARRY?