Jealousy is a sin. One that I've been warned to avoid as if it were the fire of hades. It's a virus in it's own right. It turns your skin green and makes your insides burn. It turns friends away and even breaks up families. When I was a young boy, Pa used to preach to me the importance's of never falling into jealousy. I listened to those words, for they had fallen straight out of the bible, and the truth couldn't be truer. Until today, I rebuked jealously and knew what God gave me was what I needed, not wanted.
I followed that mindset until today, for as I stood before my second story bedroom window and watched as my younger brother, Aaron, stumbled towards the shed that holds my beloved. I grew more and more jealous, for I wanted to be the one who touched her skin. To look into her enchanting eyes and brush her bountiful hair away from her fairy like face.
She is my rose, and I desire to be the one she pricks with her thorns...
Gritting my teeth, my fingers tightened around the buttons of my green and brown flannel as I buttoned it up. I could not help but allow my eyes to burn holes into Aaron as he opened the shed's door and slipped inside like a shadow of the night.
Oh, how I wished I could be his shadow...
Every moment I spent with Candy was glorious in it's own right. Even though she could not yet feel it, I still felt the strong pull towards her as if she was some kind of drug and I, were her addict.
I wouldn't mind consuming her in every way imaginable.
As my jealousy peeked as high as the surrounding mountains, I sighed and turned swiftly away from the window. Stalking across my room, I grabbed my Carhart off the end of my bed and heavily strolled towards the wooden door.
In all honestly, my room was nothing to gawk over. The walls were wooden along with the floor, bedframe, and chest that was pushed up against the end of my bed. There is no art hanging from the walls, nor is there any color besides grey and brown tainting this room. Others would probably die if they had to sleep even a night in this considerably bland room, but for me, I didn't care. Besides sleeping, I don't spend much time in here and isn't a room just for sleeping anyway?
I hand carved both the bedframe and chest when I was only sixteen. It took many sleepless nights and countless hours creating the two items, but in the long run, they were worth it. Not sleeping at all was better than sleeping in a bed that you've outgrown many years prior. I still shudder at the memory of my feet dangling off the foot of the bed.
Exhaling, I sauntered out of my room and into the cramped hallway. The hallway itself was tightly formed together with seven bedrooms. Joshua, Tobias, Aaron, Asher, and I were lucky enough to have our own rooms, but I knew it was more than luck that granted us these rooms. According to Pa, because we are the older five and have worked countless hours and years on the farm, spilling our sweat, blood, and even at times tears for the farm, we earned the rooms.
Even though his words were true, they did not shield me away from feeling guilt and even pity towards Caleb, Elijah, and Enoch. For though they are younger than me, they have been tending to the farm since they could walk, and their blood is spilled on the roots of this farm as much as the rest of ours. Yet, Pa did not give them their own rooms. I believe this is partially due to the fact that there are no other rooms to share for them.
Many years ago, Tobias suggested that us, sons, build another house on the property, at the time the farm was blossoming with money, and it wouldn't have put too much of a dent in our pockets. Everyone thought it was a good idea... besides Pa. He accused us of hating him and Ma, but truthfully, I know it's because he feared if we did not live underneath the same roof as them, he would lose control over us. So, being the dictator of the farm, the idea was quickly shot down and buried. To this day, it has never been brought up in conversation again as if it had never lived.
I shook my head as I trudged down the stairs, as flawed as Pa is; I hate to admit it, but I still care for him. He's always been a cold, harsh, and mean man, but at times when he is in a good mood, a mood where he actually laughs, smiles, and jokes around. I see the small amount of good in him, the part of him that hasn't been ruined by the hands of the devil. That is the part of him that I love.
But those 'moods' and 'moments' have happened fewer and fewer over the years. I can sense the light within him slipping into the darkness, and at times, I wish I could just reach into his soul and pull the darkness out. To say I've spent many nights on my knees praying to God to change him would be an understatement.
Stepping off the wooden steps, I ambled into the small den. Like the rest of the house, this room is covered in wood, from the ceiling to the floor. Only feet away stood a tall and wide stone fireplace. Hanging neatly on a small shelf, off to the side of the fireplace, appropriate tools to control the small flames hanged neatly from the shelf.
A few deer heads hung on the walls as well as the fur of a black bear laid on the floor before the fireplace. Tobias hated this room the most. He cared for the animals more than any of us and hated to see them harmed. Even though by natural he was quiet and preferred to be alone, he always had this connection with animals that none of us could understand. At times, it appeared he could understand them, as if they were talking to him. He hated hunting and therefore hated this room, for he saw it has nothing more than a trophy room for innocent souls that Pa had killed over the years.
There was a singular couch that was placed only feet away from the fireplace. Pa had hand carved the frame, and Ma had sewed the arona blue covers for the couch cushions, and together, they had stuffed straw into them. It was the definition of homemade, but it's nearly as old as I am and has not once needed a repair. So, I have no reason to complain.
Wandering down yet another hallway, I emerged moments later into the busy and loud kitchen. As dull as the other rooms, the kitchen was the same boring wood and rustic theme as the rest. Besides a gas stove, there were no other appliances in the kitchen. Pa didn't believe nor liked technology, hence to why there is a shower house and out house located out back by the garden. As well as an underground ice box.
Turning my attention to the left of me, I took in the long and you guessed it, wooden table. Also hand carved by Pa, the table housed eleven chairs. As well as it is long enough to hold many plates of food.
Besides Aaron, Ma, and myself, everyone was already seated at the table. As usual, Pa was seated at the head of the table, while Joshua was seated to his right, and to Pa's left, the seat was empty for Ma. Next to Joshua, the seat was also empty, but everyone, including Pa, knew better than to sit in that seat. The seat itself used to belong to a very special girl, and if you ask Joshua, the chair still does.
My eyes skipped over to Pa's left side again, seated next to the seat intended for Ma, was Enoch, who was happily buttering a wild-berry pancake. His waist length ice-blonde hair was neatly braided, no doubt Ma spent most of the morning wrangling him to sit still for her to tame his wild locks. He was the youngest of us Knight brothers. And at the tender age of fourteen, he was the most annoying, hyper, and baby-faced boy I've ever known.
Next to Enoch sat Tobias, he sat with his arms crossed over his chest and was leaning back in his chair while staring out the window with guarded amber eyes. His sharp face was littered with deep talon like scars, no doubt from trying to befriend those murderous wolves. He's spent a lengthy amount of time with the beasts as if he thought they were his friends and even once claimed to know where their den is. However, being the self-proclaimed animal protecter, he refuses to show us nor tell us where it's located.
My eyes narrowed as those memories flowed into my mind, if he had only told us where it was then we could have burned it down and chased them off, it sure has heck would've saved us a couple cows. As if sensing my eyes on him, he ran a hand through his wavy, short mushroom brown hair. Unlike the rest of us, Tobias refused to have long hair and a busy beard. He kept his hair and beard neatly trimmed. This knowledge only angered Pa for he believes we should have long hair and beards like the men in the bible. He believes it allows us to have favor in God's eyes.
Shaking my head, my eyes, once more skipped across the table and seated beside the empty chair next to Joshua, was Caleb. With his honeycomb, neck length blonde hair, and moss green eyes, he looked like he belonged in a boyband. However, he's quite shy and bashful around girls. It's quite comical to watch girls flock towards him at the monthly farmers market. He blushes six shades of red and begs us with his eyes to help him. After taking time to laugh at him and enjoy the show of girls throwing themselves at him, one of us relents and finds mercy on him before dragging him away from the horny and boy-crazy teenagers.
Any other nineteen-year-old boy would kill for girls to be throwing themselves at them, but not Caleb, I think he would rather throw himself down a dried up well than have to endure the girls of Holyoke.
Across the table from Caleb, Elijah sat with his nose deeply engulfed in a world-history book. His coffeehouse hair was pulled back in a bun while his thick black rimmed glasses were sliding down his nose. Besides Aaron, Elijah is the smartest one out of us. He's quadrilingual, having experience in speaking French, Dutch, Italian, and English. Even though Pa distains him reading books, he doesn't stop him for at least one of us having knowledge about the world will come in handy one day, and even Pa can't argue against that.
Exhaling deeply, I turned and stalked into the kitchen where Ma was hovering over a pot of hot grits. Just as she began to sprinkle cinnamon over the nut filled fluffy grits, I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and gingerly kissed her cheek.
"Morning, Ma." I whispered into her raven black hair.
Startled by my presence, she gasped and clutched her fists to her heart, "Lordy boy, you trying to give me a heart attack before the sun has even reached high noon!"
Smirking like a schoolboy who just scared his teacher, I pecked her cheek once more and backed off. She wore a light pink housecoat over a white nightgown that reached her ankles. Shaking her head, her blue-jay blue eyes glanced at me from over her shoulder.
"You just missed Aaron; he's checking up on your girl." At the mention of Candy, Ma giggled and turned her attention back to her task of stirring the grits.
I sighed and looked Ma over. She has somehow gotten thinner than last week. She eats like a bird, and it shows on her small body. Aaron says she's not well in her mind, and she hasn't been for a very long time. We all know it. Sometimes, she acts more like a child than she does a forty-two-year-old woman. Instead of asking to knit or read a book, she'll ask for dolls she hasn't seen since she was twelve. She'll even cry when she asks us when her father is coming to pick her up, even though her father, our grandad, died nearly twenty years ago.
Aaron has linked her mental illness and decline to being forced to mature early in her childhood and having twins at the tender age of twelve. But of course, nobody wants to talk about that or the fact her health isn't top tier like it used to be. Everyone just wants to pretend she didn't have nine kids before she was even twenty-nine years old!
Gritting my teeth, I turned sharply on my heels and promptly sat myself at the far end of the table away from Pa for he was a man I did not want to even look at for I feared my anger might just escape from within me, which would do more damage than good; for Ma gets scared and extremally upset when we argue. This family is not well nor okay even in the slightest, but for the sake of peace, we must pretend we are a normal religious family.
Yeah what a joke...
The chatter that engulfed the table was light topics, guarded ones that were filled with things that would not upset Ma. Even Pa didn't dare talk about the struggles of the farm around her. She can't handle hearing bad news. Her mind can't process it the way ours does, and so as if we were knights, we must protect our queen from everything.
I could feel everyone's eyes burning holes into me, but I did not care nor shift my eyes up from out of the widow to look at them. My eyes were trained on the shed, I wanted to be in there, with Candy. Not here, sitting around a table pretending everything is fine. When I'm with Candy, everything feels normal, I feel normal. Not like all the walls around me are crumbling down upon my body. Crushing the very air within my lungs, breaking my bones until I can no longer take it and break.
Just as my fists began to clench, Enoch broke through my anger, "Is she okay?" His words were soft and as my eyes rolled to the side to glance at him, his eyes were glued to the plate set before him and I knew even if fire danced among his skin, he would not meet my eyes.
"She's as well as expected."
It was hard speaking to him; I was torn between thanking him for creating a situation that allowed Candy into my life and then being angry with him for hurting her. But if my anger is to be aroused, it should be only directed towards the master of this game.
Over the last year, Enoch has been asking questions about Ruth, for he wasn't even born yet when she was here. It's not his fault. He's a kid with curiosity cursing through his veins like a stallion of the field. However, Pa did not take kindly to him asking questions. It wouldn't have been so bad if Enoch had simply asked me or our brothers about Ruth, but he didn't. He asked Ma about her, like the struggles of the farm, Ruth is another topic that is forbidden from being mentioned around Ma. Her mind can't handle the demons of the past.
Before Enoch could even realize his mistake, Ma was already thrown into a mental breakdown. She tore up the house, breaking dishes, ripped up pillows, and nearly threw a chair through a window if Joshua hadn't stopped her in time. It was awful; it took Joshua and Asher to hold her down just so she would stop hitting and scratching herself. She kept screaming, 'Where's my Ruth!" and 'What have you done with Ruth!" over and over again while Enoch just watched in silent horror as his brothers forcefully held her down in her bed. It was I, who had to forcefully drag him out of the bedroom while Aaron subdued Ma with a cow tranquilizer.
I'd barely got him outside before he escaped from my hands and ran off into the woods. I'd nearly ran after him if it wasn't for Pa arriving back from town. Enoch ran off just in time, because once Pa discovered Ma passed out in bed and the house torn apart, he was madder than a wet hornet and ready to beat Enoch within an inch of his life.
It was because of this situation that Pa forced us to take him with us on our last robbery. Everyone was against it, for he is too young, even Caleb, Aaron, and Elijah have never joined us on the raids. But Pa wanted to make an example out of him to make him a man.
We did our best in the days leading up to the raid to teach Enoch everything we knew and preached to him the importance's of just staying close to one of us at all times. However, mainly, we told him that if dirt were to hit the fan that it doesn't matter what happens to the rest of us. He just needs to run without looking back. Of course, he protested that plan for even we knew that he would never abandon us.
As Ma approached the table and served everyone grits, she sat down and gently patted Pa's cheek before filling her own plate. At times, it's hard to believe she could ever love a heartless man like Pa.
However, I guess when you have no other choice, it's better to love someone than to hate them...