Don't Stay, Don't Go (Ben Drowned Love Story)

Ch. 33

[A/N: More feels HUEHUEHUE. And not the good kind ;-;]
[Elizabeth's POV]
I stop pacing to sit in the corner and pull my hood down over my face. I breathe in shakily, how could I let him hate me? Tim is finding him but I hope he doesn't.
"Come on man." Tim grunts in front of me. I guess there's no use in hoping is there? I squeal and pull my hood down even more. After a few seconds Ben speaks.
"Hey, don't cry." He talks softly.
"I don't cry! I'm not weak!" I yell, but I can feel my eyes watering. Stop! I tell myself. You can't be so weak in front of them. Be angry instead, angry works.
So I take a deep breath and pull up my mental barrier. I don't care that this is what stopped Gus from liking me, just as long as I'm not hated. I can't stand being hated anymore.
"I should have known that, I'm sorry. Your a tough girl aren't you?"
"I'm sorry." I mumble, apologizing for the words I'm about to say.
"Sorry what was that? I couldn't hear you." It hurts that he's still talking nicely. It hurts that he's trying and I'm not.
"I said I'm sorry. Sorry I like you, sorry I'm a burden. Sorry because even if you don't hate me now, your going to. I never stop myself, and I'm about to hurt you the only way I know I won't loose." I state calmly. I allow a moment for confusion to enter before I start the usual hateful comments, with a personal touch added as spire. "I can't stand you! I always have to think twice and I always have to watch myself around you and I can't stand it! You drive me crazy. I have to make excuses to be around you, and I have to make excuses to myself to not hate you! Because I do. I hate you so much right now. And I know, trust me I know this isn't working because all I can think about is how much I hate myself for falling for it again. But as much as I hate myself I hate you more. How I wish I could make you cry, just so I know I won't be hated! I wish you would have killed me because then I couldn't hurt you. And I know that this hurts," I take a deep breath. "Trust me I know. But it hurts more to be a god damn idiot and keep falling for the same thing over and over! I hate you so much because you can do anything you want, while I'm stuck by useless, stupid, feelings! But if I know how to do one thing, once I'm losing I know I can hate anyone. And I HATE you so much right now! You wouldn't believe how mad I am at you right now! You make me weak, and I can't stand it!" By now I'm clutching my fists and yelling at the floor, unable to even look at him. I know all of this is pointless because I hate myself for hurting Ben, like I am using my mouth as a dagger. "I don't even want to HEAR you until I'm dead, got it?" With my closing statement I turn and dash upstairs to where I know Tim's room is.
I close the door behind me and lock it, looking around the room to see if there's anything he can come in through. Luckily, there's only a small hand held camera, and I unlock the door to toss it out. Then I curl up in the corner and wait for the knocking to start.