i sat at the table with the rest of the avengers, knowing i shouldn't be here. i should be at hydra. i felt out of place here, knowing i wasn't a hero at all.
i didn't eat, i didn't feel like i deserved to.
nobody said a word, it was awfully uncomfortable.
i looked at my plate, spinning my spaghetti on the fork with the red room replaying in my mind. i retraced back to the day i killed my mother, or well, thought i killed her. the way the gunshot went straight through her head, then her lifeless body slumping to the cold concrete floor.
tears were brimming my eyes, and not wanting anyone to see, i stood up and left.
i walked through endless corridors, not knowing where to go. it's not like i had anywhere to go, i was invited here out of guilt and sympathy. the hallways felt like they were closing in on me, until i finally found a room that looked like it was available for people to use.
i walked in and closed the door, as i finally let my emotions get the best of me.
i sauntered across to a wall before punching it. it felt good, so i did it again. and again.
that was until i realised my hand was bleeding and there was a large dent in the wall. so instead of punching the wall, i did the only other thing i could think of, cry.
i turned around, my back facing the wall as i harshly slammed my head against it and slid down towards the floor. i held my knees to my chest as i sobbed into them, letting my emotions get the best of me.
i started to feel as though my airways were being blocked, and it was getting harder to breathe. i tried to get air into my lungs, taking deep breaths, but were interrupted by my sobs and hiccups.
in hopes of calming myself down, i tried to think of something that would make me happy. but that was when i realised i couldn't. i had nothing that made me happy. i was just a kid who was born to be a killer, used as a toy they couldn't put down.
this only made me sob harder.
my veins were going purple as i couldn't hold in any of the anger and pain any longer.
i let out a gut wrenching scream that i was sure anyone could here, but right now i couldn't really care less. i was throwing balls of purple energy at whatever was in front of me. i didn't know what i was hitting, but i didn't care. it was relieving.
i kept doing this until i felt a hand touch my shoulder. in my state, i quickly turned around and sent them flying towards the wall. i heard a grunt and a body collapse to the floor. i quickly came back to my senses and looked at my hands, scared.
the person got up and cautiously walked over towards me. "it's okay, it was an accident, i know you won't hurt me" i looked up to meet their eyes that showed nothing but truth. they weren't lying.
tears silently ran down my face as they hurried over to me and took my small figure into their embrace.
"shh дорогой it's okay" they cooed. i held onto their arm like it was my life support. it was only then i realised it was nat.
i looked up at her with tear marks on my face and red puffy eyes. "oh honey" and with that i started sobbing again. i couldn't control it, it's like something was taking over me and i had no control over myself.
i felt my breathing start to pick up again and i tightened my grip on her arm. "hey hey hey, breathe" she said, stroking my back in hopes of calming me down.
i shook my head, trying to get some words out of my mouth, "i can't" i said.
"yes you can, i know you can" she whispered.
she began trying to calm me down, rubbing my back, shushing me calmly, kissing my forehead.
after a while i calmed down and i felt so tired. as if she could sense it, she said, "i know you're tired, you can sleep" and with that i was out like a light in her arms.