To say it was weird climbing back into bed with a man I barely knew and wasn't in a relationship with was an understatement. I wasn't about to argue though, given how exhausted I was. I didn't have the energy. Not to mention, it was Blake I was getting under the sheets with. How could I complain at all? But still, how handsome a man is doesn't necessarily take away the awkward feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know you're doing something that makes you somewhat uncomfortable, regardless of the innocence of the action.
Michelle would tell me I'm nuts for even thinking that way, and maybe she would be right to say that, but I still couldn't shake it from my mind that I was going to end up hurting someone or getting hurt. Relationships just didn't end well for me. They never had. And here I was cuddled up under the comforter with a man I could absolutely see myself accidentally falling for, and the thoughts in the back of my mind were screeching like fire alarms that I shouldn't have even gotten involved with such a good man who didn't deserve to be one-nighted and left behind when my trip was over. But what could I do? It wasn't like I was going to stay in Maine forever.
"You know what I've noticed about you, Mackenzie?" Blake mumbled from the pillow beside me.
He was laying on his back with his arm folded behind his head and I was so close to curling up against his side, but I wouldn't let myself do that. The heat radiating from his body was enough to make me feel like we were touching already though, and I felt my cheeks warm at the thought.
"That I overthink a lot?" I guessed, staring up at the ceiling fan giving off the slightest squeak as it spun. "You're not the first person to point that out."
He snorted a laugh and turned his head to look at me. "That doesn't surprise me, given how obvious you are about it. I can practically hear your brain going into hyper mode. What's bothering you?"
How do you tell someone who you don't want to hurt that you care for them a lot, but you don't want to pursue anything with them, for fear everything will go up in a ball of flames? If ever there was a good case for the dreaded it's-not-you-it's-me bullshit, this was it.
"I'm just stressed about this homicidal shit," I lied, hoping he wasn't a natural lie detector. "I'm still freaked out about whoever has been snooping around outside and I'm worried they'll come back. I mean... can I even continue to do what I came here for? Can I go do my job and not have to worry that Freddy Krueger might be chilling on the patio when I come back at night? It's getting ridiculous, Blake."
Okay, so maybe it wasn't all a lie. I hadn't been thinking about the Acadia Killer at all until it slipped out of my big fat mouth and then I actually did start getting a little flipped out again. It was true. I was definitely concerned about what would happen if "Steve" or whoever else was roaming around the other night made a return. I didn't trust that neighbor story at all. Who would pound on your door like that for no reason? Had he been the one snooping around outside a couple nights prior as well? It was getting to be too much to deal with.
"I understand," Blake said softly with a sigh and rolled onto his side to fully look at me this time. "Mackenzie, I'm going to do everything I can do make this shit stop. If I have to stay here until the guy is caught, I can do that... if you want me to. I don't want you to feel unsafe. Besides... I'm enjoying getting to know you."
There it was again. That getting-to-be familiar tingle in my veins that sent my nerves dancing wildly. No man had incited a reaction in my body like that one since my last serious boyfriend, which was years ago. Truthfully, it felt wonderful to be the object of someone's affection again, but I still just couldn't push away that awful nagging feeling in my stomach telling me to run the other way as fast as I could.
"Blake, I need to be honest with you," I finally forced myself to choke out - maybe against my better judgment, but he deserved the truth.
His brows drew inward at my words, but his body language remained cool and calm.
"Alright. What's up?"
How do I say it without word-vomiting?
Frustrated, I decided there was no time to think it through and I may as well just blurt it all out. "Blake, I'm afraid of what this is – what we may be turning into – if it's a relationship or whatever. I don't know. I don't know what this is. I know that I really, truly like you so much, but-"
"It's not me, it's you?" He interrupted, giving me a somewhat amused smirk. "Don't drag it out if that's what it is. I'm a grown man. I can handle a letdown, Mackenzie. But I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be disappointed."
His words caught me off guard, though I should've been expecting them. It had sounded like I was leading into that dreaded phrase, but I wasn't. I didn't want to let Blake down. There was a part of me that wanted so fucking badly to pursue this with him, but I just didn't know if it was worth the effort – if I was worth the effort, honestly. A part of me had started to believe I might actually be the problem.
"That's not what I was going to say," I sighed, but continued. "I think you deserve better than to be lead on and I don't want either of us to end up hurt, so here it is. I'm married to my job. It's been that way for years now. Every relationship I've had has ended horribly. Not badly. Horribly. And I cannot stress that enough. My last relationship ended with my boyfriend going away to prison for robbing two jewelry stores the day before we were supposed to fly to Fiji and get married. I got arrested in the process, because of course, the cops assumed I was involved. Cause you know, why not pull a Bonnie and Clyde stunt right before you jet off together, right? But I had no part in it. I didn't know about it until the police came knocking on our apartment door. And you know who bailed me out of jail that night? Michelle. God love her – the woman posted bond from half a country away and she didn't even think twice about if I might be guilty. And now that I've blurted all this out, I'm realizing how stupid it sounds, because it has nothing to do with you at all. But I guess my point is... I'm just scared of something imploding like that all over again. Obviously, not exactly like that, but I think you know what I mean. So that's why I'm not interested in a relationship right now. But more so, you deserve someone who is interested, and I just can't let myself lead a good, honest man on."
Blake was silent for what seemed like several minutes. The squeak in the ceiling fan was beginning to drive me up the wall by the time he finally spoke again.
"I think what you're trying to tell me is you had a very traumatic experience and you don't trust dating anymore, for fear of having another traumatic experience," he said softly, reaching a hand up to brush some stray hairs from my cheek. "I get it. I do. And I'm not going to sit here and advocate for how great I can be in a relationship or try to talk you into something you're not interested in. But I do think you're eventually going to have to give it another try, or you may end up with a lot of regrets someday. Trust me, I know."
My brows shot up with sudden intrigue. I wanted to know more, but I didn't want to pry into his personal life.
"Have you... had a bad experience too?" I chose my words carefully, not wanting to sound nosey or offend him with the question.
It was like he left the room mentally for a moment after I asked. He was still the same man lying there beside me, just not there there. It was the look people get when they flashback to a memory they'd rather forget.
I sat up against the headboard and tugged the sheets up around my waist. "I'm sorry I asked. I didn't mean to-"
"Her name was Kelsie," Blake said softly, resting his body weight on his forearm and glancing up at me from his pillow. "She was my partner when I was a beat cop in Portland. We were just friends for a long time, and then one day I went to pick her up for the policemen's ball after her date cancelled on her at the last minute, and I guess my jaw hit the ground when I saw her in this shimmery silver dress. I don't think I'd ever seen her out of uniform until then. Anyway, long story short: we started dating and everything was going great. After ten months, I was planning to propose and... um... one day I was feeling like I got the flu halfway through shift, so I ended up back at the station, going to head home. She decided to finish her shift with this detective friend of hers who was letting her shadow on occasion. So I'm about to leave and this call came over the radio that all hell broke loose at a stakeout. Somebody said, 'officer down' and I just knew... it was Kelsie."
I had no idea how to respond to that. The man I was in bed with just told me his former lover had been killed on the job. What do you say to that? "I'm sorry" isn't remotely enough.
"Blake..."
He shook his head and managed a soft smile that was obviously very painful. "Please don't say it. I've already been pitied enough over it. I know it's a depressing story, but that's not why I told you, Mackenzie. I told you because I want you to know that I literally do understand what it feels like to have a relationship completely destroy you, regardless of the reason or the quality of the person. Pain is pain and it hurts just the same, whether you're watching your boyfriend get taken away in cuffs or hearing that the woman you planned to marry was just taken from you before you could ask her. I get it. So when I say I understand why you're hesitant to try again, believe me, I'm speaking from experience. I was the same way for a few years."
"What changed your mind?"
He flashed a real smile this time, adjusting his body to sit beside me against the headboard. "Honestly? It was Michelle who convinced me I needed to be open to the idea that someone new may come along someday. After Kelsie died, Michelle's husband, Jim, was the only real friend I had at work and the two of them helped me get through everything. I'm not sure I would have, had they not been around, cause therapy sure didn't work for me. Anyway, the point is... don't push away everyone because of one shitty person. Not everybody will break your heart, Mackenzie."
That may be one of the most considerate conversations I'd ever had with anyone, I found myself thinking as the stress coursing through my veins seemed to suddenly subside. Was it Blake's words or the fact that his forearm was brushing against mine that caused my heartrate to finally settle? I didn't know. One thing I did know though, was that I suddenly needed this man with a fever that I'd never felt before.
Boldly, I pushed away from the headboard and lifted a leg over his lap to straddle him. My arms snaked their way behind his neck as his hands found my waist and tugged me closer. I pressed my lips against his and ignited a fire neither of us could bear to put out.