Jai's POV
TRIGGER WARNING: ATTEMPTED SUICIDE
I stared nervously out the window, trying to focus on the trees flying by to take my mind off of the fear I could taste in my mouth. The same fear that was my constant companion during the war and routinely showed up in my worst nightmares. The despondent yet frantic feeling of not knowing what's going to happen. Of losing someone precious to you. Of losing your own life in a violent and tragic manner.
The grief it left in its wake was so overwhelming that all I could do on some days was break down. To let it wash over me instead of letting it fester like rotting meat. To be honest I would've broken down right now as well, if my heart wasn't going a mile a minute and making sure the Adrenaline in my blood was reaching each and every cell of my being. The anxiety of not knowing if my brother was safe prevented me the luxury of grief.
I knew the war had exacted a massive toll from Rishi. While he had decorated himself as a hero dealing Dominic's army crushing defeats, his psyche was marred by watching so many of his comrades die. True to form he had taken to blaming himself and his own missteps for their deaths.
Hindsight is a tricky thing. One hand it humbles you by making clear the unpredictability of things but on the other hand it gives you a glimpse of what could have been. And it was the latter that my brother took to heart, obsessively pondering over how many more people he'd have saved if he took a specific route or how he should've checked the forest for more enemies.
Rishi is an exemplary leader in that he cares deeply about his people and is willing to put himself in harm's way to protect them. But the depth of his love is often very punishing to him, making him constantly feel like he's at fault for not doing more. This is compounded by the fact that he keeps his thoughts and feelings strictly private and no amount of coaxing or goading will ever get him to spit them up. These bottled feelings of self-loathing and the severe trauma of the war-front are a disaster waiting to happen.
TRIGGER WARNING!!!
And last night it did. Rishi tried to take his life. Mom hadn't given me much information other than the fact that they found him in his bathtub drowning in a pool of Silver Water. Immediately dad pulled him out of it and rushed him to the hospital and mom texted me on the way.
Guilt weighed on me heavily because if I'm being honest we all saw the signs. He had recurring nightmares where he woke up in sweats and screamed terrifyingly. As soon as he'd regain his wits he would assure us he's fine and throw us out of his room. No matter how much our parents tried to get him to take psychological help but he refused. Eventually his reluctance to accept any sort of help, shutting people out and more controlled symptoms due to his taking up the bottle made us think he was getting better and dropped the matter.
Dominic made a sharp turn overtaking a truck, jolting me out of my thoughts.
"Sorry" he said keeping his eyes on the road, tension visible on his face.
He had been singularly focussed on getting me back to the hospital where Rishi was admitted. He had decided to drive me himself when he heard what happened, not wasting a minute in conversation. He hadn't spoken at all really, just glancing at me in the mirror routinely to check up on me, to see if the calming hormones he was projecting at me right now was working or not, thinking I'd not notice.
I could've lost Rishi today. My older brother, the one who'd always looked after me, the rock of our family gone. Just like that. It's like someone dropped me from a cloud, where I was plummeting towards earth at breakneck speed, waiting for a collision.
The car came to a screeching halt and I immediately rushed out of the car, Dominic followed suit.
Before we rushed up to the floor where Rishi was kept I stopped in my tracks. This was the first time I was meeting my parents since my mating. And the last time my dad and Dominic were in the same room they'd tried to kill each other. This was too precarious a situation and I didn't anyone to be more upset.
"Dominic"
"Yes Jai." He said, like he was just waiting for my orders.
"I think you should go home."
"I'm not leaving you."
"I'm not going to run away, you don't have to worry about that." I said trying to make excuses to get him to leave.
"Jai" he said with concern in his voice, tenderly cupping my face in his hands.
"I'm here for you...and Rishi."
"Dominic I don't think you should be here. It will upset my family." I said directly.
He looked hurt and opened his mouth to say something, but then he stopped himself and nodded.
"I'll wait for you here."
I turned around and bolted up the staircase. I know it was harsh, but right now my parents' safety and well-being mattered much more to me. I burst into the room, to find Rishi who was lying on the bed. He looked like a mummy, completely wrapped in bandages from the neck down, surely the silver water had hurt his skin.
"Jai!" He quipped happily, gesturing me to come hug him, his handsome face looking radiant like he wasn't in a hospital but waiting for a spring spread on Vogue.
I fell into his arms, almost crushing him in my embrace his familiar scent was so comforting to me. Tears that were building up were now let loose as relief of seeing him alive killed my anxiety. I sobbed into his shoulder and he started patting my back trying to comfort me.
"There there." He said assuringly like he used to say whenever I went and cried to him about how no one wanted to play with me. Or when I cried about how Dad wouldn't let me go to the summer camp for wolves. Or when I had to leave Moti behind in the Himalayas when Rishi brought me back home. He'd been my sage space through it all and I couldn't be that for him. He felt so alone he resorted to such drastic measures.
"I should be consoling you." I said pulling myself off of him and wiping my tears.
"Why would you console me? I'm fine." He smiled. Still he was talking his role as my Alpha older brother too seriously. To him I'll forever be too young to trouble with his problems.
"Rishi...I don't really know what to say except..I love you so very much and I cannot even begin to think what I would do without you. Please..don't.." my voice choked as fresh tears threatened to slip.
"I know. I'm really sorry for scaring you Jai. I don't know what got over me. You know me, this isn't like me." He said clasping my hand. Ever since I was young Rishi had this absentminded habit of holding my hand wherever we went. If he was stressed he'd hold my hand, if he was tired he'd just play with my hand. He said my hands were so soft it felt nice to touch them.
"But I've come back to my senses and I'm fine."
"Rishi but still I think you should..."
"I said I'm fine Jai."
"Rishi the war was hard, and we all need help..."
"Jai. I told you didn't I? I'm fine." He said with an air of finality. When it comes to his life and well-being, I've always felt like a spectator. He switches off whenever he feels like and doesn't think anyone should intervene at any time.
I've always taken it for granted that he didn't need to help him. He was the Golden child after all. The best fighter, the best son, the best brother. He's the reason my standards for Alphas are so high. An emotional, understanding and supportive person...except when it comes to himself.
I wasn't going to take anything for granted anymore.
"You're fine are you? In a hospice suffering from silver burns? Hooked upto all these machines, being fed from an IV" I said seething with anger. Not addressing problems was what landed him in this place, and he still doesn't want to talk or even listen. His stubbornness is infuriating.
"Jai. Please I'm exhausted. You can yell at me some other time. I just want to relax with my younger brother right now." He said holding my hands in his. He made it sound like a request but I could practically see his powerful aura weighing heavily on me to submit to his wishes. If Alpha Rishi doesn't want to talk he doesn't talk, no matter what. My body recoiled in fear, displeasing my brother was churning my stomach in disgust.
"Hey. You ok?" He said looking at me with concern in his eyes, fully knowing what it was that was making me not ok.
"I'm Fine" I said begrudgingly.
"Good. Now tell me is Dominic treating you right?"
"He's fine."
"Jai it's me you can tell me anything you know." He said invitingly.
"Only you won't return the favour." I said acidly and got up from the bed, turned around to walk out.
"Jai please stop making a moutain out of a mole hill."
"WHAT?" I whipped my head around so fast I'm sure I loosened some neck bones. "You could've died Rishi. This IS the mountain. If you don't want to talk about it that's fine but atleast don't act like you don't need any support or that I don't have any right to worry about you." I snapped.
Silence ensued as I hoped my words seeped into his brain.
"You're right. I'm sorry." He said apologetically. "I just..don't want to talk about it. I want us to be like we were before the war. Carefree and fun. I've really missed you."
"I've missed you too Rish." I sat back down and held his hand again. Any anger I felt towards him dissipated. As much as his little tough guy act irked me, I was so glad to have his company again.
"So tell me something nice." He asked kissing my hand.
"Nice..? Ok let's see."
.................
.................
..........................
"Damn you're a newly mated wolf and you need that long to think of a nice thing." He said shocked.
"Well my mateship is hardly ideal."
"He doesn't mistreat you does he?" He asked with a nervous edge in his voice.
My mind immediately flashed back to the events of last night, how he had pinned me to the desk and nearly choked me out. The sensation of being breathless, of feeling helpless and cornered flashed infront of me. He then made me submit, in the most manipulative way possible, projecting his Alpha onto me.
"No he's doesn't. He's just a bit weird." I lied.
Well..half a lie. It was objectively wrong what he did but I did understand his reasoning. I shouldn't have involved the pack. No matter what the dynamic between Sebastian and Dominic maybe, I shouldn't be pitting them against one another. It's my job to act as the third cog in the system and make the functioning of the kingdom smooth. I guess I never considered that I'm not just Dominic's mate, I'm also the Royal Luna.
I have a responsibility to not just a pack but to the whole Kingdom and frankly I'm a bit surprised that Dominic gave me the free reign that he did. I mean I've been taking his time for granted, playing stupid power games with him when he has threats to his positions to deal with everyday, a kingdom to look out for, politics to consolidate and a future to forge. Not only that he left everything to to come be with me in my time of need.
No. That's nothing special. It's his job as my mate.
"Oh he's weird alright." Rishi mused. "He's like an owl that's only seen the dark, so he doesn't know how to react to sunshine."
Interesting.
"Who made you the Dominic expert?" I turned to him.
"I mean think about it. He doesn't have a single stable relationship. He had to kill his brother and his mother, his father was known to be cruel. When I was his prisoner, as crazy as that sounds I felt pity for the guy. He's only 20 and was about to be rejected by his mate with no one else to turn to. It's like he doesn't know what trust looks like."
I fixed my gaze to the bouquet of flowers on his bedside table. It had a get well soon card in it, it read "Get well Soon Dada. Channie and Sameer". I had completely forgotten about them, but I was glad they checked up on Rishi. They'd always both been very family oriented and had a good sense of community. They both came from supportive families (Sameer's parents are bitches tho), had strong community ties, deep and fulfilling friendships and a sense of direction. I guess that's why relationships had been easy with both of them for me. Dominic in comparison was enemies with his own shadow, completely unstable and had to iron fist people around him cause he trusted no one. On top of that, his wolf was literally famous for driving people insane. He had both Nature and Nurture working against him. Even then, after my heats his apology seemed sincere and he only became overwhelming when I threatened his position as the Alpha. I doubt even Rishi would let such a transgression slide. A head Alpha's pack is connected to their power and health. A compromised pack means it affects them physically.
Maybe Rishi has a point.
He does need to grow. But I'm not his medicine. He'll need to grow on his own.
"I know it's all his own doing and I don't think you're responsible for anything." Rishi said almost reading my mind. "But sometimes we need a nudge in the right direction. Like me, who needs to realise that little Jai has grown up and I need to put my health in his charge."
I smiled and lay next to Rishi on his bed. He shifted to make space for me and started lazily massaging my head. Even in this position, his natural sense to care for others was too strong. I just hugged him as carefully as I could because of his injury and inhaled his familiar scent.
"I've missed you Rishi. I miss you everyday."
"I miss you too Bromega." He said kissing my forehead. I felt warm and giddy in a way that I hadn't in a long time. I felt like we were back again in the 3rd grade when I would sneak into Rishi's room during a thunderstorm because lightning strikes and thunderclaps were too scary for me. He'd wrap me up in a duvet and tell me stories of all the great Alpha wolves and Omega princes, their heroic tales and valiant love stories. Of the Goddess Selene and Endymion. Of the God Chandra and the Hindu creation myths. I'd sleep so well knowing my older brother was right next to me, watching over me. Nothing could hurt me in that moment. Rish could've stopped death in its tracks if it came for me.
"I want to let go of this hurt in my heart Rishi. I don't want to make him pay but I fear that he'll hurt me again if I don't hurt him first." I blurted out without thinking. The safety of Rishi's presence just removed all my mental filters.
Fuck.
I stared at him in horror when I realised I'd revealed the secret to him. I didn't want him to know, especially in his condition. It would only add to his stress. He already has too much on his plate right now. Fuck. How insensitive can I be.
"I mean..like I just meant.."
"Did you tell him that?" He spoke looking directly at me. If he was agitated by this revelation, he did a damn good job of hiding it. His eyes held a determined but welcoming expression, like he was ready to handle everything I was holding back from him. He probably could, but I'd be a horrible brother to drop it all on him right now.
"Forget I even said that. I was just being silly" I assured him desperate to change the topic. I didn't want my brother to worry about my stupid mate, who the goddess dumped on me.
She made a mistake with us I fear.
"Despite this new information which ofcourse is very concerning and we will be discussing..."
"Only if you promise to go to therapy first Rish."
He pursed his lips and looked at me disapprovingly but relented.
"Fine I'll go but there's a reason you two are paired together. Goddess doesn't make mistakes so you shouldn't worry about the two of you not fitting together. He may fuck it all up with his stupidity, but there's a future where the two of you complete each other."
HOW THE FUCK DID HE KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING???
"How did you know what I was thinking?" I asked being a little bit gagged that he read my mind again.
"I've known you for 22 years Jai. Give me some credit bachha." He shrugged.
"But still its uncanny how....WAIT what do you mean by we complete each other?"
It was his turn to be taken aback. His body tensed and his expression turned really defensive like he was preparing for a brawl.
"Ok so don't take this the wrong way but you have a tendency to run away from your problems instead of facing them."
"I DON'T RUN AWAY FROM MY PROBLEMS RISHI WHAT THE FUCK?"
Dear reader (and Jai ofcourse this is his POV after all) as a helpful resource please accept this montage of times Jai has run away from his problems instead of facing them. ✨✨
1. Ran back to his home after Miranda insulted him.
2. Ran away from Sameer and Chanyeol when they turned out to be mates instead of Sameer mating with him.
3. His signature fighting tactic is guerilla warfare, insurgency and ambush (not exactly relevant but interesting how running away comes naturally to him.)
4. Running away from Darius when he wanted to discuss something about their mateship.
5. Telling Dominic to fuck off when he tried to help him recover from his crying spell that occurred because he couldn't escape Dominic's grasp. Jai DOES NOT do feelings.
6. Tried to run away from Dominic's castle.
7. Ran away from Darius when his heat hit and was willing tho torture himself than ask Darius for relief (although this was more out of stubbornness and Darius not having earnt the right to see Jai at his most vulnerable.)
8. Avoided telling Darius exactly what he was feeling and what his problems with him were when asked to do so.
9. Hatched a plan to trap Darius and mentally control him instead of idk having a normal conversation. (Can't blame Jai for that tbh. Darius is a nutjob)
10. Incessantly henna-ing his hands as a means of escape instead of processing his emotions.
MONTAGE END.
"OK maybe just a little." I accepted. A little surprised the author would expose me like this but let me mind my business.
"It's fine. We all have our own ways of dealing with things and we should be allowed to be ourselves." Rishi smiled pinching my cheeks.
"Nice try you're still going to therapy." I smiled back as wide as I possibly could. If he thought I was going to drop this he must've been crazy.
"Fine" Rishi grumbled in frustration. "But what I was saying was that in contrast Dominic deals with his problems by controlling the world around him. So as a result, you keep running and he keeps chasing you."
WOAH. That basically sums up our entire matehood.
Wait so does that mean I'm at fault too? IT CANT BE??!! I'm the main character I'm literally perfect!!!!!
"Fuck you Rishi" I snapped and got up from the bed I was on. I don't like to be reminded that I am not infact infallible and perfect because I am human. He's my brother he should be supporting my delusions not pulling me down to reality.
Rishi laughed a heartily, like the kind of laugh that makes you feel warm because it's full of pure love. I'm glad my misery amuses this hateful person.
"I'm glad you're up from my bed. I was going to go to sleep anyway." He yawned and turned his head sideways. "So you should visit mom and dad. They've been smothering me in love for the past few days so please take some heat off of me."
"Where are they by the way? Shouldn't they be here?"
"They we're here all night. But the wolf isolation unit prevents family from being in the hospital for more than 6 hours. Knowing them they're at the Coffee Shop in front of the hospital lying in wait so they can come in as soon as they can."
I know he says it as a joke but deep inside he regrets making our parents upset and sad. He literally worships the ground they walk on, so to see them break down the way they did couldn't have been easy. He's sending me to them to console them and raise their spirits. As a small relief from the suffering of seeing their son in so much pain. It's a way to assuage his own guilt.
Why were you surprised that he knows you so well. You can read him like a book too. Nyx said.
I guess that's true.
"Fine I'll take one for the team bro. Sleep tight" I said turning off his light and drawing his curtains. I will have to leave Dominic here, can't risk him going back to our parents.
"Goodnight." He yawned and rested his head.
I'm so glad you're with us Dada. Please don't ever do this again. I love you too much.
__________________________________
THIRD PERSON POV.
A good ten minutes after Jai left his room, Rishi got up from his bed and dragged himself to the window. On the 10th floor of the building he could only people below as really small insects.
"Nurse" he yelled.
A few minutes later a small and sweet looking old lady showed up.
"I have a guest waiting in the parking lot. His name is Dominic Varela. Could you please let him to my room?"