JUMP STREET'S JUNE BRIDE???

CHAPTER 47: TOM'S CHOICE

Judy texted to ask how I was. I said Haven't told Tom yet.

I called Tom. I dialed his number slowly, my heart beating out of my chest each button I pushed. I hesitated on the last one, but then finally pushed that last button.

Tom said, "hey Sydney." I tried to respond, but no words came. Just tears. Sobs.

Tom said, "Sydney what's wrong?"

I couldn't answer. When I tried to form a word, I got choked on my tears, and then was starting to have trouble catching my breath. In between sobs.

Tom said, 'Sydney tell me what's wrong."

Tom's view:

I'm scared. Sydney called, and she's not talking, sounds like she may not even be able to breathe. It's like she's gasping for air, and she's crying, no not just crying, sobbing. What the hell.

My mind races to the worst possible scenario. She's hurt. There is a mass shooter in the mall. Dammit why didn't I go with her. I should have. Then I'd be there to protect her. What if they are taking people hostage.

I tell Jay, "I got to go." I don't give him time to ask me any questions. I should have, I mean it's his sister, but I am freaking out right now. Scared to death. I got to get to Sydney. I run to the car

I said, "Sydney talk to me. What is happening? Is there a shooter? Sydney please you're scaring the hell out of me. Please say something."

But nothing, just tears, and gasping for air.

I said, "Sydney is there a shooter at the mall."

She said, "no" In between tears.

I am screaming almost at her on the phone. "Sydney you are scaring the hell out of me. Are you hurt, please try and talk to me. Let me know where you are. I'm on the way."

A muffled sound, but at least she is answering.

"Bathroom" Ok, it's a start, at least she is safe in the bathroom, unless some man is in there with her, or went in and raped her.

I said, "oh my God, did some guy drug you, jump you, in the bathroom."

She said, "no Tommy. I'm in here alone."

Thank God, I'm at my car, and when she said those words, I don't even realize it, but I double over, and take a deep breath.

I said, "Sydney are you safe?"

She said, "yes. I'm sorry. I'm just so upset" she said in between tears.

I said, "I'm on the way. Just stay in the bathroom. I'll let you know when I'm there, where is Judy?"

She said, 'at the table with your mom and my aunt."

I said, "did my mom upset you? Did she say something that hurt your feelings?"

She said, "no she's so sweet to me."

I said, "just try to calm down and try to breathe. Don't try and talk right now. I'm on the way."

I said, 'Sydney are you sure you're safe?"

She said, "yes I'm so sorry Tommy." She just kept saying I'm sorry.

I said, "Sydney it's going to be ok."

She said, "no you're going to be mad at me"

I said, "no I won't. Don't worry."

I feel such a sense of relief. I mean that she is not in danger. I know she is upset. I'm betting this is all too much for her, having to lie, I mean first the party, then the dress shopping. I bet she must have let it slip to mom and her aunt that this is fake. For my job. I don't care. I could never be mad at her for that. All that matters to me is that she is safe. She scared me, when I thought of all the bad things that could have happened to her. I need to make sure that she is always safe. I should have went to the mall with her.

Sydney's view:

Judy comes into the bathroom.

I said, "Tommy's on the way. I didn't tell him. Judy I tried, but I couldn't get words out."

She said, "I'm glad he is on the way."

I said, "he's going to be mad at me. His mom doesn't have that kind of money. I should have never seen that dress. They wouldn't have seen it, if I didn't notice it was so soft."

Judy said, "This isn't your fault. You had no way of knowing that they would surprise you like this. Tom is not going to be mad at you."

I said, "his mom spent thousands of dollars that she needs for herself, on a wedding dress that will never happen. I guess I can take out a loan and get the money to pay her back."

She said, "Just talk to Tommy. This is his fault not yours. He is the one that came up with the fake engagement, and then asked you to not stop it, when he got the promotion."

I said, "Judy should I go back to the table."

She said, "no you need to stay in here. They will see something is wrong. You are crying, and they don't look like happy tears."

Tom called. I said, "It's Tommy."

I said, "Tommy." He said, "Sydney, I'm at the mall parking, can you tell me what restaurant."

I said, "Mi Cocina." He said, "I'll be there soon."

I said, "He's here, just parking." Judy said, "I'll stay with you until he gets here."

I said, "Thanks." She hugged me.

Tom texted that he was here, so Judy gave me a hug and said she will tell him I'll be out soon.

Judy went out.

Tom said, "Hey Judy is she ok?"

Judy said, "She's scared you will be mad at her."

Tom said, "Judy I could never be mad at her." She said, "I'll keep your mom and aunt busy talking, so that you two can go talk." Tom said, 'Thank you"

I came out. Before I could say anything, Tom took my hand and pulled me to him, and gave me a long hug. He said, "I was so scared. You scared the hell out of me. My mind went to the worst-case scenario."

I said, "I'm sorry." I started to cry. He said, "please don't cry. Just tell me what's upset you."

I said, "You're going to be mad. I'm so sorry."

Tom said, "Sydney please just tell me. I hate to see you so upset. I think I know what is wrong. And I could never be mad at you for that."

I said, "Tommy." I cried. He held me.

I said, "Can we leave and go to your car, so that no one overhears us."

Tom said, "Sure." He takes my hand and we leave.

He opens the passenger door for me, and I get in. He goes around. He gets in and faces me.

Tom said, "Sydney just talk to me. Whatever it is. I can't fix this for you, if you don't tell me what it is."

I said, "I don't think you can fix it. I messed up so big Tommy."

Tom said, 'It's ok. I'm not mad. I think I know what it is"

I said, "you do?"

Tom said, "yes, this has all been too much on you. I mean you just got out of the hospital, nearly died, and then are surprised with that wonderful engagement party, and we got all those gifts, I mean Sydney I know how upset it made you, it upset me to accept those gifts."

Tom said, "Then they bring you here for wedding dress shopping, and brought up your mom, and I get it, why you blurted it out that this isn't real, it's ok. I could never be mad at you for that."

I said, "no that's not, I didn't."

Tom said, "oh, I just thought maybe that was it. You are so upset. You couldn't even breathe on the phone."

I cried. Tom put his hand on my hand. He said, "Sydney please just tell me what is wrong. I hate to see you cry. I need to try and fix it when you are hurt, and I can't fix it if you don't tell me."

I said, "Tommy I'm so sorry. I had no idea they would do this. I was stunned, almost no words."

Tom said, "Sydney just take some deep breaths. Just sit here with me, and let me hold you a minute, so you can breathe normally."

Tom put his arm around me and I had my head on his shoulder. He was massaging my back, and my hair.

I said, "I need to tell you."

Tom said, "when you're ready, I can see you are overwhelmed with all of this. The party, the shopping, with what my mom said about my dad, and what your aunt said about your mom."

I cried harder.

I said, "I told you that we were going to leave. That none of the dresses I tried on I liked, and the ones that they liked I didn't. They were tired, and wanted lunch." He said, "Right you said the day wasn't going as bad as you thought, they were ready to leave."

I said, "right, but then it's my fault Tommy. I"m so sorry. You're going to be so mad at me."

Tom said, "Sydney unless you went out and screwed a guy behind my back, I'm not going to be mad at you. And I know you wouldn't do that to me. Please trust me. I'm here for you, just talk to me." I nodded.

I said, "There was a lady pushing a stroller and had little kids and there wasn't room in the aisle. She was going to have her kids go ahead of her, and I said no go on, and I moved aside, and when I did that, I ended up brushing up against one of the clothes racks."

Tom nodded. I said, "and it was in the kid's section, I didn't see what it was, but just that it was the softest fabric I've ever felt, like almost staying at a fancy hotel, the bathrobe, the soft pillows, almost like a puppies fur." Tom nodded.

I said, "I'm sorry, Tom I swear I didn't know this would happen."

Tom said, "Sydney just tell me what happened next."

I said, "I didn't even know what it was, they were leaving the store, I should have kept my mouth shut, and just followed them out, but when I felt it against my skin, how soft, I said, oh my God you guys this is so soft.and then they came back."

Tom said, "ok" I said, 'it was the most beautiful white wedding dress I have ever seen. Tom I mean it looks like a dress that a princess would wear to her wedding." he smiled.

I said, "Then I said it was so beautiful, and your mom and my aunt were all excited and said I had to try it on. And the store clerk came and told us how it just arrived, and it's a one of a kind, and how she was on the way over to the wedding section but got a phone call from her husband about their sick baby, and she put it on the child rack just for a second, and we saw it. So, then my aunt, and your mom, even Judy were saying my mom must have done this, I mean what are the chances of us leaving the store after you don't see a dress you like, then in the kid's aisle, having to move so that the lady can get thru, and then seeing the dress."

Tom said, "yeah I see why they thought that. I mean all pretty wild huh. If you didn't move for that lady and her kids, if you let the kids walk ahead of their mom then you wouldn't have seen the dress."

I burst out into tears.

I said, "I knew you'd be mad." I looked away from him.

Tom said "Sydney I'm not mad. Did you try on the dress?"

I said, "yes, and Judy even cried when she saw me in it"

Tom said, "I bet you were beautiful in it." I said, "Judy took a picture and video of it. so that I'd have the memories of it, since it's a dress I would never wear."

I said, "Tom the dress was so beautiful. It had a head piece. It made me feel like a princess almost."

Tom said, "Sydney you are a princess." He smiled.

I said, "The dress made me cry, it was so perfect. And then your mom and my aunt wanted to see me in it, and they both cried when they saw it. And then they both were saying you found your dream dress, you need to buy it now, and I said no because we are having a long engagement. But then I saw the price, and I was so relived, because it was an outlandish price." Tom said, "how much" I said, "$ 50,000."

Tom said, " are you for real? I mean that is insane isn't it or do wedding dresses normally be that expensive."

I said, "I think it's insane, but it has diamonds in the head piece and the dress itself, and I guess it's a one of a kind. He only makes one of each dress, then changes things."

I said, "as beautiful as it is, I think it's crazy to spend that kind of money on a dress. Like what a house costs. That is insane."

Tom said, "definitely I agree. To waste money. I mean I get brides want to have their dream dress, but 50 grand that's ridiculous. No way anyone should spend that on a dress."

I burst out in tears.

Tom said, 'Sydney please don't cry. I hate seeing you cry. Seeing you this upset."

I said, "I was relieved that the dress was so expensive, so that they wouldn't bug me about getting it, like before they found out the price, they said since you found the dress you love, you should get it so that when you do get married, you will have your dress. If you don't someone else will get it. But they stopped saying that when they saw the price, so I took the dress off, gave it back to the sales lady, and we went to eat lunch,"

I said, "I was so relieved that the wedding dress shopping was over. We were going to eat lunch and then go home."

Tom said, 'So at lunch, my mom or your aunt upset you?"

I nodded. He said, "my mom didn't say something mean did she?" I said, "no she is so sweet. They handed me an envelope, and in it was a pretty card, with flowers, and it was blank on the inside, but they wrote something. It made me cry. It was so sweet."

Tom said, "What did they write?" I handed him the card, and he read it out loud, first what his mom wrote.

I was watching him. He had tears in his eyes. That made me cry.

He said, "I can see why you are so upset. My mom really loves you. And you're worried she is going to be mad at you. And Sydney I have to say I hate the fact that my mom is going to be so upset, so hurt, if she knew the truth"

I cried. Tom said, "But she wasn't wrong in what she said. You are definitely my light, and my angel. You are my best friend. And for the first time, I have peace. I can't even explain it, how easy it is to talk to you. I can tell you anything, and you don't judge me, and I trust you with my life." I nodded.

Tom said, 'Sydney I get why you are so upset."

I said, "no you don't. Yes I cried when I read their words, and it was happy tears, because I love them so much, both of them, but it was sad tears because I feel bad lying to them, especially your mom."

Tom ran his hands through his hair. He said, "yeah, I had no idea my mom wanted me to get married so badly. That she prayed about it all these years."

I said, "Tom, then after I thanked them for their sweet words, hugged them, I sat back down. I thought that the card was all that it was, but then my aunt said I didn't get the other thing in the envelope, so I said there is more, and they nodded, so I got it. And."

I burst out in tears. Tom said, "Sydney just tell me"

I said, "Tommy I'm so sorry. It's all my fault."

Tom said, 'Sydney please just tell me whatever it is, I'm not going to be mad at you."

I said, "They caught me so off guard. I cried, and then excused myself to the bathroom. I don't know what Judy has told them, but they are probably wondering where I am, what is wrong. Tom I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this. Judy said to tell you, that you can decide what to do."

My hands were shaking. Tom looked at them, and took them in his hands. He said, "Sydney just let me help you. Do you trust me?" I nodded.

He said, "Then just tell me, what is wrong. What did they give you? I can't fix this for you, if you don't tell me."

Tom's view:

I hate to see her so upset, crying, it hurts deep inside like someone is stabbing my heart. I need to fix this for her. I would, if she would only tell me what is wrong.

She handed me the envelope. She said, "I had no idea Tom that they did this. I was with Judy"

I opened the envelope, and then pulled out the receipt.

I stared at it. Held it in my hand.

This can't be what it looks like.

I said, "um Syd what is this?"

She cried.

I said, "is this what I think it is, I mean no it can't be can it?" She cried and didn't look at me.

I said, "what the hell, so this is a receipt, so are you saying that they bought you that dress." She still didn't look at me.

She said, "yes"

I said, "holy shit, the 50.000 dress. My mom and your aunt bought you a 50,000 dress."

She cried. She said, "you hate me."

I said, "No. Sydney look at me." She didn't. She looked out the window. I said, "please look at me." I lifted her head to face me.

I said, "I'm not mad at you. Just give me a minute. I was not expecting this. My mom does not have thousands of dollars to spend on a wedding dress."

She said, "I know that Tom. And I freaked out. I told them no they can't do this, you have to go back and return it and get your money back I mean the dress is still at the store, but get it refunded, but Tom they refused."

Sydney's view:

Tom is just staring at me.

I said, "My aunt said that my dad told her if I find a dress that makes me cry, a dress that makes me smile, a dress that makes me feel like a princess, and reminds me of my mom, then no matter the cost get it, and they took a picture of me in the dress, and I didn't know Tom that they were going to do this, so I was smiling, and crying, and saying how it made me feel beautiful like a princess like my mom. And my aunt texted my dad and he didn't care about the price, he said he would pay for it. They both wanted to chip in and help him."

I said, "I don't know how much I owe your mom, I'll get another job, or a bank loan to repay her"

Tom said, "no you're not doing that."

I said, "my dad won't let me return it. I tried telling him that it's too expensive, and that we don't have a wedding date, it may be 2 or 3 years, and your mom said that she can get a safe and have it be in there, so it is safe."

I am crying. Tom is in shock. Staring at me. Then staring at his hands. He said, "my mom doesn't have thousands to spend Sydney" I said, "I know I'll get a loan and repay her."

Tom said, 'no you won't. I won't let you do that."

I said, "Tommy I went to the bathroom, because I was afraid, I would blurt out why they need to return it, I mean that we are not engaged, not even a couple, never will be. I'll never get married No one will ever want to marry me."

I said, "Tommy what do we do?"

Tom said, "I'm not mad at you. This is not your fault. I just need a minute. Man I wasn't expecting this."

Tom's view:

I am wracked with guilt. I look at Sydney. I feel guilt for what I've done to her. I mean she is so overwhelmed by all of this. And so upset, crying, and to think that she thinks I would be mad at her.

I feel guilt for putting this all in motion. When this started, I just wanted to stick it to Rob, and help Sydney ruin her cousin's day. Then when I got the job if I'm engaged, I thought we could be fake engaged. I mean it works out great for me, I get to spend every minute I can with Sydney, and pretend to be her real man. And she will never know how I feel about her.

But this has gotten so out of control. Last night I felt sick, when we went to her dad's and were surprised with that party. All those gifts. Cash, gift cards, stuff for the house.

But now a 50,000 dollar dress. My mom doesn't have thousands to spend, even a thousand dollars is too much for my mom. And reading the words my mom wrote, and how she has prayed for me to find Sydney, and all she said about Sydney is true. She is the love of my life, she is everything to me, she is my world. I love this girl with all my heart, and I wish I could tell her, but it's obvious to me, that she doesn't feel the same. I can't blame her. But she will never be in love with me.

There is only one thing that we can do. Well there is 2 options, but I don't want to do the first one. I'm praying she doesn't either. The first option is to end this fake engagement. I tell Joe, her dad, her brother, my mom, her aunt, that I made this all up, first to help her, and make her feel special at the wedding, but then it got out of hand with the job promotion.

But I don't want to do that, I don't want to hurt my mom, I don't want to lose the new family I found. With this fake engagement, I didn't just get Sydney, I got her dad, and her brother. They actually love me. They think of me as family, and they will hate me. Even if they don't hate me, since I did save her life, they are going to feel betrayed by me, and think that I used Sydney. Our relationship won't be the same.

And then there is Sydney. If we tell everyone this is fake, I'll lose her, I mean we won't be able to pretend to be a couple, I won't get to kiss her, she may want me to move out, and then she will be humiliated in front of her cousin and old friends and Rob. No that is not an option.

The only option I see is to get married for real. And I'm crazy in love with this girl, and if I'm being honest with myself, a real marriage with Sydney is what I want. But can I convince her to do that, to marry me. To give up her dream of finding the love of her life, her prince sweeping her off her feet. I wish I could be her prince. I wish she would love me like that.

I can be the best husband to her, maybe eventually she could fall in love with me. We could be real. Now I just need to tell her.

Sydney's view:

Tom said, "There is only one thing we can do."

I nodded. I said, "I'm so sorry Tommy. This is all my fault."

He said, "no it's not your fault. None of this is your fault. this is all on me, not you. All you did was be sweet and help me."

I said, "yes it is. I should not have said anything about it being soft, they would have kept on walking. Tom I had no idea they would go behind my back and buy a dress like this. I still can't believe it."

Tom said, "yeah me either. But I guess it doesn't surprise me. You are your dad's princess. He wants to always give you things that you want."

I said, "But we have to take care of this and today."

Tom said, "yes we do."

I said, "There is only one thing we can do that will fix it."

Tom said, "yes there is."

We both spoke at the same time.

I said, "we are going to have to tell them we are not engaged"

Tom said, "We are going to have to get married for real"

I stared at him in shock. I could not have heard what I just thought he said.

I said, 'Um what did you just say?"

Tom said, "Sydney there is only one way to fix this, we are going to have to get married for real, wait you said tell them we are not engaged, then you want out of this?"

Tom's view:

I blurted it out that we should get married for real. I mean honestly it's what I've wanted since the night I blurted out we were engaged.

But my heart broke when I heard what she said, she said we need to tell them we are not real, never were engaged. She wants out of the deal. She doesn't want to marry me, just like I thought she wouldn't. I'm losing her.

Sydney's view:

Tom just said that he wants us to get married for real. I mean not want, but he said we need to. I would love to marry Tom. It's been my dream actually I think since I first saw him. To marry him. I'm so in love with him. But he's not thinking this through. I mean marriage does he mean for a lifetime, is he wanting to give up sex, and going out and hooking up for a lifetime. Would he want it with me? What kind of marriage would he want? Name only?

Tom said, 'Sydney if we tell them we are not engaged, you are gong to be humiliated by Rob, by your cousin, by your friends."

I said, "yes and I will have to avoid them all, but what I hate the most is the hurt my dad and Jay will feel, my aunt will feel, for lying to them, and then your mom. She has been so sweet to me."

Tom said, "and more importantly my mom will be devastated, Sydney come on, you read her words that she wrote to you," he read them again out loud.

He said, "She has been praying for me to find someone like you, that I could marry. Sydney I can't hurt my mom. And it's not just that, it's your dad and your brother. I love them. I mean they have accepted me. Your dad, while he will never be my dad or replace my dad, Sydney he is the closest thing I will have to a father, he told me he loves me, that I am his son, and that he will do anything for me, anything I need. Jay has welcomed me, he said like a brother, he was excited because he said that he always wanted a brother, and now he has one. Sydney I feel the same. I always wanted a brother, and like Rob filled that, but then he betrayed me. But Jay he won't betray me."

Tom said, "you have been so sweet to me, to do this for me, even though it has overwhelmed you, upset you to lie, and I can't let you be humiliated, or have your dad or brother hurt by you, or my mom. I did this. I started this whole thing, by blurting out we were engaged at the wedding, and then I should have told Joe on the phone that it was a mistake, misunderstanding, and let you tell Jay and your dad, and they could have fixed it, but no I asked you to go along with this fake engagement, and I thought we had a plan that would work a long engagement. But now it's out of control."

I nodded. Tom said, "The longer this goes on, the more the people we love are going to be hurt. I had no idea, how invested in our wedding our relationship they would be. My mom spent thousands on a dress for you, that's how important that this wedding is to her."

Tom said " Sydney I can't ask you to marry me, if you really don't want to, I mean if you would feel trapped, and hate it."

I said, "I would not feel trapped Tom. You are my best friend. I have been able to talk to you and share things with you that I never tell anyone. You make me feel safe at night, when I used to be scared, you protect me, defend me, you ran into a burning building and suffered burns to save me. I would be dead if it wasn't for you."

I said, "But Tom, wouldn't you feel trapped by marrying me? I mean what about sex your hookups, I know you are giving them up for this long engagement, and wouldn't you hate it, being married, you don't ever want to be married."

Tom said, "Sydney after I got betrayed, I was anti marriage, anti relationship, anti love. But being married to you, wouldn't make me feel trapped. I mean we live together, we are best friends, we are partners. We are soulmates. We both have been deeply hurt, and carry scars, and we can talk about them with each other. We trust each other."

Tom said, "Sydney you are so important to me, you became my confidant, my best friend, my soulmate, my rock even. I know you have my back no matter what, and that you wont stab me in the back. I won't stab you in the back either. Or ever betray you. You had given up on love, marriage same as me."

Tom said, "Sydney I think the only thing we can do is get married, unless you don't want to. I mean if you need time to think. But your dad, my mom, your aunt, spent 50 grand on a dress, and I don't want to tell them that this was all fake. I mean our friendship is not fake. Our soulmate is not fake. "

Tom said, "Sydney if you want me to, if you want out of this, tell me now, and I'll tell everyone that this was all me, that I made you help me, that I tried to help you at the wedding, wanted to make you feel special, and I blurted it out without thinking and then you wanted to tell everyone that it wasn't true, but then I got the promotion because I was engaged, so I made you go along with it."

I said, "Tom no you didn't make me." Tom said, "I don't want to tell that this was fake, I just found your dad and your brother, and they will hate me Sydney."

I said, "no they won't." Tom said, "yes they will. I will lose them. I mean even if they don't hate me, we won't be brothers."

Tom's view:

I feel selfish right now. I don't want to make this about me any more.

I said, "But forget about me, I can't ask you to give up your dreams. I mean if you don't want to marry me, because you are waiting on your dream man to come in, and be your prince, I don't want to make you miserable being married to me"

She said, "I wouldn't be miserable being married to you. But Tom I don't think you've thought this through."

I said, "Sydney yeah we were supposed to just do a long engagement, but that was before they spent 50 grand. Sydney we have two options, the way I see it."

"We tell them we made this whole thing up, and they can return the dress and refund the money today, or we get married for real., Sydney, we can't just let them waste 50,000 and have the dress be put in a vault and never worn. Not only that but let them hope and dream about the wedding. I had no idea that me being married meant so damn much to my mom."

I said, "Sydney I can't ask you to give up your dream of finding the love of your life. But I can promise you that I will be the best husband to you, I will protect you, defend you, honor you, be loyal and faithful to you, and I will never betray you"

She said, "Tom yes I would rather us be married than tell everyone we made it up. I don't want to hurt them, make them feel betrayed, and be upset with us. But what about you, I can't have you give up finding true love, the love of your life, and"

I think to myself, Sydney I won't be giving it up. You are the love of my life. I'm in love with you, if you only knew how much. I wish I could just tell you. I wish I could be honest.

I said, 'Sydney that's not my dream, that's your dream. And I can promise you that there is not a girl out there. I know that without a doubt. I'm not going to be giving up anything. It's you that will be because you're the one with the dreams."

She said, 'So we get married for real then, what about." She stopped.

I said, "Just say it. We are going to need to discuss everything about getting married."

She was quiet. She looked at me, then looked down at her hands, my hand on top of hers, and then she quietly said, "Sex" she said it so quiet, I almost didn't hear her.

I said, "I won't pressure you into sex, I'd never do that, we can have a marriage in name only, and I think that at the beginning of the marriage that is what we need to do, name only, no sex."

She looked hurt. She briefly looked at me, then looked away. But I thought I saw hurt in her eyes.

She scoffed, "Right. I knew you would not want sex with me, I just mean what about sex for you Tom."

I can't even believe she could not know how bad I want her. I mean can't she feel me when we are so close, when our bodies are touching, can't she see my problem she causes, doesn't she feel me, how loud my heart beats.

I said, " you are so wrong in thinking I don't want to have sex with you. Of course I do Sydney, I wanted to the night we met, and I knew that you were not that kind of girl, and there was no way I was going to go home with you, but didn't mean that I didn't want to."

She stared at me. I said, "You're beautiful. You're hot. You're sexy. I'm a man. Of course, I want sex with you, But I think that if we get married, it needs to be in name only, at least for a while"

She said, "Yes you are going without right now, but we can't just have our families spend more money on us having a wedding then get divorced in a year and hurt them. and I can't have my husband out hooking up."

That hurts. I see she still thinks I'm a jerk. I know we got off to a bad start that night, and she had to listen to me talking to all the girls, and I know she knew I was there for hookup, but I thought maybe we got passed that. I mean I thought she thought I was a good man. but I guess not, if she thinks I would go out and cheat on her, while we are married. and hurt her, betray her. 

I need to try and not lose my temper on her, but that hurts. Just hearing her say she wants to get a divorce, hell we haven't even got married, and she's already planning the end. Damn.

I said, " I never said anything about getting a divorce. And if that is what you are planning, then maybe we just need to end this now and tell them we aren't real. I mean we can't have them spend 50 grand on a dress, and your dad spend thousands on a wedding, then just get a divorce. If we are getting married, then we stay married. If you are looking for an out and we haven't even got married, then I guess I have your answer."

Sydney's view:

He is getting mad.

I said, "Tom no I didn't mean I was looking for an out. I just meant, Tom how long are you able to go without I don't want you out there hooking up if we are"

He glared at me. He said, "really Sydney. You must think I'm just a dick and a jerk huh. You think I'm like Rob right"

I said, "no I don't." Tom said, "your words say otherwise. If you think I'd do that to you. That I'd cheat on you. If you don't know me by now. You should know that I would never hurt you like that. I know that the night we met are bad memories for you. I"m sorry you had to hear me talking to other girls. But I didn't see you, and once I saw you I just talked to you. I thought that I had showed you I'm not as bad as you thought I was. but I guess if you think that I could betray you like that, marry you, then go out and cheat on you. Wow Sydney. That hurts."

I said, "Tom no, I'm sorry. I just I wasn't expecting you to say let's get married. It caught me off guard. You are anti marriage. I just didn't know what you were thinking I mean of course to me marriage is a lifetime commitment. But if we are married in name only then that's, I was just thinking that would be hard on you. I know you have needs."

Tom said, "Sydney I am not going to cheat on you. Like I said I'm not saying no to sex, but I am saying that we can't rush into sex."

He said, "I don't even know if you are ok with us having sex. I know you see sex and love as the same, where to me sex and love are separate. I would never pressure you into sleeping with me, even if we were married. If you are never wanting to have sex with me, then it's ok, I'll give it up forever if I have to, What I was saying is if you wanted a marriage in name only, I'd do it. But if we get married, it has to be real, I mean we can't just waste all their time and money and then just divorce."

He said, "and if you think that you would want to have sex with me, then we can't rush into it. So, I think if we do this and we get married, our wedding night, no sex, not even maybe the first year, Because I have to have you be a thousand percent sure that you truly want it. I mean Sydney, I don't want you to ever regret it, if we were to make love and then later you meet someone and he is your prince charming and you want to be with him, and I have to let you go, I don't want you to regret being with me, I don't want you to resent me, and you would. You have to be totally sure you want sex before we can have it. For me, I know there are going to be no regrets. I'm sure."

Tom said, "Sydney sex would change our relationship. I think you know that." I nodded.

He said, "What are your thoughts on that. Please be honest."

I said, "I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't want to ever have sex again. When Rob hurt me, I hate that I slept with him. It makes me sick to think about that I gave myself to him. I regret it. And you are right I see sex as love. I mean I think to each their own but for me, it's gross to have sex with someone you don't even know. I have to be in love."

Tom nodded. I said, "And you're right. Sex would change things between us, and I guess I would be worried about that, because Tom you are so unexpected for me. I mean you quickly tore down all the walls I had up and became my best friend. I have never felt closer to anyone, other than Jay. But even with Jay, there are things so many things I never told him, that I have told you. You are so easy for me to talk to. I love you, Tom. You protect me, make me feel safe, defend me, I know that you have my back, and I trust you with my life. And I don't want to ever lose that, lose what we have. You make me laugh; you make me feel safe."

Tom said, "you're right, what we have is too important. I feel the same way. That is why I'm saying sex is not something we can rush into, I'm not saying no to it for us, if you would ever want it, but I think we need to just keep things the way they are and be name only right now. Because I can't lose you. You definitely caught me by surprise. My life has entirely changed because of you, and I'm not even talking about the promotion. I don't ever care about that now."

Tom said, "I made work my life. I thought I would never have anyone in my life except for Judy, and the guys. I have work, that's all I need. I have hookups to take care of that need. But I deep down, even if I didn't admit it to myself, I wasn't happy. Even though I feel nothing for Jenn, never think of her, never wonder about her or miss her, I carried that betrayal in my mind, to make sure that I never let anyone hurt me like that again. And I kept so much of myself hidden from everyone. I mean you are the only one that I've told, you know everything that happened. I find it so easy to talk to you, and to tell you, and open up to you, because you went through the same thing."

Tom said, "What I'm trying to say is you're my best friend, and I can't risk losing your friendship, what we have is special, we share a bond, and I only want it to grow, so we have to be really careful because sex could destroy that. If we had sex, and then later you met someone else, even if you didn't plan it, you would end up regretting being with me, and that would tear us apart. It would shatter our friendship. I would lose you. And I can't take that chance. I know without a doubt there is no girl I'm going to meet that will steal my heart. I would have met her. I'm a million percent sure of that Sydney. So if we do this, and you marry me, I'm going into it as a real marriage, for life. I'm not wanting a way out, or a divorce. We can discuss sex later on, after we are married. If that is something you want to do."

Tom said, "Do you need time to think about this or?"

I said, "no, if you are sure this is what you want. I don't want you doing this for me, just because you are worried about me being humiliated. I can survive it."

Tom said, "no that's not the only reason. I mean I don't want to hurt my mom. She would be devastated. I had no idea what me marrying you meant to my mom. I don't want to lose your dad and your brother. Sydney for the first time in a long time, I feel a part of a family. I feel like I have a father figure and a brother. They accept me. Today with Jay even though I was worried because golf isn't my game, I had a blast. His friends were cool. They accepted me. They didn't care if I messed up.  That meant everything to me Sydney. I don't want to lose your dad and brother. But I don't want to make you do something you don't want to. If you can't I understand. I will fix this then so that no one is upset with you or blames you. I can even maybe fix it to where you aren't humiliated, but I'm the one who is humiliated. I mean I can come up with something."

I said, "Tom I'm in all the way. I know that there is no guy out there that I want to marry."

I think to myself because you are the man I want to marry. I am so in love with you. I just wish you could be in love with me too. But I know that you aren't, because if you were you would have told me, and you would have said that you want us to be real. And you didn't.

I said, "Tom if this is what you really want, if you don't think being tied down to me, married to me is going to be torture for you, if you don't think it will make you feel trapped, and you will resent me, then yes I will marry you."

Tom said, "Then we are getting married for real. I could never feel trapped or tied down. And honestly, I don't see that things will change much between us. I mean if we add sex in at a much later date, then yes. But for now, and first year of our married life, I mean we already live together, we already are together all the time, we love to hang out, we have fun with each other, we are best friends. I don't see that anything needs to change."

I said, "Right I don't either."

Tom said, "of course I know you had a dream of being a mom, having a family, and I don't want you to have to give that up."

My heart is breaking because Tom doesn't want those things with me.

Tom said, "so later on in the marriage, if you want to discuss that, then we can. I mean being a dad was never that important to me, and then I swore off relationships and I was adamant I'd never be one, but if we are married, and you want a baby, I'll give you one."

I stared at him in shock. He said, "I know you'll be a great mommy. We may have some fights though."

I said, "Fights."

He said, "yes, since you said you would not let your husband discipline your baby, even if he is 13 and needs it." He laughed.

I said, "true. I just don't think I could handle it." Tom said, "So are you saying then if we have a kid, you are going to let them do whatever whenever no matter if it is bad." He smiled. I laughed. I said, "no Tom. There would be discipline. Just not spanking or hitting." He said, "oh I see, so grounding huh." I said, "yes or like taking away their games or their toys, if they are older, their phone, not letting them go to their friends, or out of the house."

Tom said, " I gotcha, but what happens when say our son is in trouble for something, and you ground him to the house, take away his phone, has to come home from school every night for a week, and there is this huge party that his friends are going to, so he sneaks out the window and goes and not only goes but stays out all night. What then?"

I laughed. So did Tom.

I said, "I would be furious with him. But I just don't like the idea of hitting Tom."

Tom said, "Even if it doesn't leave a mark, and it's not hard. There is a difference between a swat, and a beating Sydney."

I said, "part of me thinks that the dad needs to set the tone with discipline, be the man of the house, although no way would my husband boss me around or tell me what to do, when I say man of the house, I mean with the kids, not that he will boss me."

Tom said, "oh yes ma'am I already know that about you, there is no way I could ever boss you. You are one stubborn, independent woman." He smirked.

I said, "just curious Hanson, why do you have my little baby boy being a rule breaker and disobeying me."

Tom laughed. He said, "Well because if your baby boy takes anything after me, then you might want to prepare yourself or talk to my mom about all I did. I mean Sydney that wasn't just a make-believe scenario. I actually did it."

I said, "you did." I smiled.

He laughed. He said, "yep I was grounded for breaking mom's rules. I blew off my curfew and also didn't call and tell her I'd be late, and that was my punishment, grounded for a week. She didn't take my phone but had to come home after school. But my friends were all going to a cool party, and I couldn't miss it, so I climbed out the window, and jumped down. Went to the party. Got wasted, you know the other stuff um."

I said, "I bet your mom was so mad." Tom said, "yep she was. I'm not proud of it Sydney. I mean I put her through a lot of hell." 

I

Tom said, "you know I think now I realize why she is so excited and happy about this wedding, why she prayed for it. Why she thinks my dad helped lead you to me."

I said, "Tom, I left them with Judy. They must wonder." He said, "you ready to go back. Maybe text Judy see if they are still there. I'll buy you lunch either way." Judy said that they were still there, just talking. I told her we were on the way.

Tom came over and opened my door. I got out. He backed me into the car, which surprised me.

Tom said, "one thing Sydney. I hope you know that you scared the hell out of me, crying and not talking. I jumped to the worst conclusion, a shooter, you were raped in the bathroom, kidnapped. Sydney, you have no idea how relieved I was when you said you were safe. I had to almost sit down. I just want you to know that." He hugged me.

I said, "I'm sorry I scared you." He said, "no I get it. When I saw that 50,000 receipt. I felt like passing out, so I can imagine."

Tom took my hand. We went to meet them.

I said, "I'm so sorry. I took longer than I thought talking to Tom."

Margaret hugged Tom. She said, "is everything ok?"

Tom said, "yes Sydney and I are just kind of overwhelmed by the fact you all would spend 50 grand on a dress. I hate that you all are spending so much money. But I sure do know one thing, Sydney is going to look like a beautiful princess on our wedding day. Making me a very lucky man." He kissed my cheek.

He said, "hey Judy you wouldn't want to text me the photos of Sydney in that dress would you."

Judy hit his arm, and Margaret, Judy, and my aunt all said, "no way. You are not allowed to see the bride in her dress." Tom said, "Why?" Judy said, "it's bad luck Hanson." we laughed. Tom scratched back of his head. He said, "how is that bad luck?"

I said, "Tom can you order for me. I need to go to the lady's room. Judy, you want to join me" She said, "yes. Order me another drink Hanson" He laughed. He said, "mom you see how they treat me" He said, "i' m kidding."

We went to the restroom.

I said, "Judy oh my God. I'm freaking out. You won't believe it." She said, 'what did he say?"

I said, "he says our only option is to get married for real."

She screamed, hugged me. She said, "honey I am so happy for you. I told you that Tom wanted to marry you." I said, "no he doesn't, but he doesn't want his mom hurt, or to lose my dad and my brother, he's not in love with me. But he thinks that nothing will change much since we live together anyway and are best friends. He thinks we shouldn't have sex. Because it would change our relationship and we could risk losing it."

She said, "oh I'm sorry. I thought maybe he told you he was in love." I said, "no, and he didn't say that we would never have sex, he said after we've been married awhile if I want kids, he will give me a baby." She smiled. She said, "Sydney you will be marrying him. He will fall in love with you. I'm sure of it."