june 21st.
"Okay I need you to be a girl right quick, okay?" I told jacques who was sitting/laying on my bed with Bailey on his stomach.
He scrunched his face up. "Uhh.. for what?"
"To help me pick the dress." I said in a duh tone.
"Igh."
I gave him a thumbs up and went into my bathroom where my three dresses were. I put on the black one first.
I liked it, but I wanted to do a different color this time. I feel like I gravitate to black dresses more as a comfort thing because what's wrong with a black dress?
Some are ugly but that's not the point.
I couldn't tell if i needed a bra or not with it. That's when I went back to my room.
He was on his phone but put it down immediately when I walked in.
"Okay, this it with a bra on. Ima show you with out, and you decide."
"Damn ren." He said lowly and sat up.
I smacked my lips with a frown cause I felt butterflies.
"Act like a girl!" I reminded.
"My fault. Yassssss bestfriend! You finna take Samantha's man tonight!" He said with all the hand motions.
"Is that good?" I asked laughing.
He nodded. "Periyattt."
"Okay, stop it now." I smiled walking my back in.
I took my bra off and walked back out.
He eyed me up and down looking star struck of course making me nervous.
"Bra on...?"
"Nah, they sit up so fucking perfect. How long I gotta act like a girl cause I'm getting... my body is boying ren." He asked sounding stressed.
"Boying?" I furrowed my eyebrows.
"My dick baby." He lightly chuckled.
My eyes widened. "I'm sorry."
"Not the first time. I got used to it by now." He waved it off.
I cut the options down to black dress, and this brown dress. He said he liked the brown which I should've known because it's his favorite color.
I put on some nipple patches and finished getting ready while he sat on the toilet watching me since he was already ready.
He looked cute again like he was trying to impress someone lol. He even sprayed my favorite cologne of his that he doesn't know is my favorite.
Before my nail appointment today, lana and I were on face time for so long because she was trying to teach me how to twerk.
I started laughing remembering it.
"Did you just laugh at yourself?" He asked concerned.
I shook my head no trying to curl my hair. I miss my natural curly hair so bad. I'm tempted to just throw my head under water so it could revert.
"Whachu laugh at then? It's damn near dead silent..."
"I guess I did laugh at myself. I remembered me trying to learn how to twerk."
It was a full on workout for no reason. It felt like it after a while cause she had me do different styles.
"Lemme see cause yo shit be moving."
He got behind me putting his hands on my waist and I jokingly started grinding on him.
"Gyatt. Ima back up before I bend yo back in." He smacked my butt before backing away fully.
"Damn!" He screamed making Bailey bark.
I smacked my lips. "My mom is here! Stop yelling."
"My fault. You almost done?"
I had one more section to do. "Yes." I'm so glad because it was getting hot in here.
at the party.
We've been here for a couple hours, and it's been fun honestly. I stayed with the girls while jacq stayed with the boys.
We saw each other through the crowd and he texted me to come upstairs with him? If he didn't say the door I would've just sat back down because it was a big house.
I made it there safely seeing him just smiling.
"Have you been drinking?" I asked noticing he had a red cup in his hand.
"A lil."
He looked high and drunk.
"Jacques." I said seriously.
"Wassup?" His voice was more raspier with the low eyes combo.
Mmmm.
"Uhm.. did you at least watch your cup? How much did you drink?" I asked.
"Like three cups." He smirked.
I smacked my lips. "Boy, you have a sensitive stomach."
"It's only three cups baby."
"That's a lot! Don't drink that one. You been smoking too?"
"Chill ren, I'm cool." He mumbled grabbing me by my waist.
I sighed smelling the liquor on his breath. He put his head in my neck and gave it light pecks. I felt like my body went cold.
"You look sexy as fuck." He said near my ear, giving light pecks to that area as well.
"Thank you..."
3 minutes later we were kissing on the wall. It was slow, and smooth. I just went with the flow because honestly, I didn't know what to do.
This is my first kiss.
He seemed so experienced so I followed his movements.
To me it felt like forever, but in a good way.
He pulled back looking scared. "Fuck. I shouldn't have done that."
"Huh?" I questioned super confused.
"Sorry serenity." He said before walking super fast out of the room.
I stood there shocked, confused, and hurt.
I locked the door and sat on the bed just to cry. It hurt. Maybe my feelings were much more deeper than what I thought, and that's why it feels like my heart is ripping out my chest.
Whatever it was, I just know I hate him now.
Why would he do that?! He's been low key playing with my emotions this whole year and I'm tired of it.
This was the cherry on top.
There was no context onto why he left at all. "Sorry serenity" wasn't even a right apology.
I don't know how I let myself catch feelings for him. He talks to everybody.
I wasn't special.
All the things he did that made my heart flutter was probably just for his amusement because he doesn't care about anyone but himself.
I played with the ring on my finger letting the tears fall. I decided to put it in my purse.
Like why? Just why? What happened?
I should've remembered how he acted the first day we met. Maybe that was his true self showing he never liked, or cared about me.
But he explained this... I swear he did care but I guess not. That can't be him.
I'm confused.
I can't believe I trusted him.
I can't believe he just ran like that.
I can't believe he really is just like every boy.
I can't believe my first kiss was Jacques Webster.
After crying my eyes out I went into whoever's bathroom this was, and wiped my face with water.
"Stop crying ren. He's just a boy." I said to myself three times. "You're better than this. You got it out ren."
I took a deep breath before putting my lipgloss I had in my purse on my lips.
I closed the door and went back downstairs trying to keep myself from any upset emotion. The music got so much louder but my mind was even louder with my thoughts.
It's crazy how everyone was still having so much fun after what just happened. Life is crazy. I just want my bed with my big fluffy pillow and bailey.
I got knocked out of my thoughts seeing lana right in front of me.
"Girl, where you been?!" She asked with a smile.
"I was on the phone with my aunt." I said that so unbelievable. I am not good at lying.
"Oh was it good or bad? Jacq looked like he was on the verge of tears a couple minutes ago, but now he talking to this random girl." She said looking at his direction.
I followed her eyesight seeing him talking to a girl.
I.
"Lana, I'm about to go home, okay?" I said trying to keep it in.
She looked at me worriedly. "Ren, you okay?"
I shook my head no pulling out my phone to text my mom so she could pick me up. He just ruined my whole night. My whole summer. My whole birthday.
Maybe not my birthday but shoot.
"Is it him?"
"I don't want to talk about it right now. I just want to go home."
The music, the people, the everything was making me go crazy. I just found my way out.
My mom called me as soon as I walked out. I answered it as soon as I saw it.
"Mommy, can you come pick me up please?"
"Yes, what's wrong?"
The tears came back. "Nothing, can you just hurry please?"
"I'm on my way. Keep your location on, and stay on the phone."
I walked to the end of the street where the stop sign was just thinking about how I hate him so badly right now and how I didn't a hour ago.
Eleven minutes later I saw her car pull up next to me. I got in not really wanting to talk.
"Did someone harm you?" She asked.
I shook my head no looking out the window.
"You don't want to talk about it?"
I shook my head no again.
"Okay." She said softly and pulled off.
room.
I took the longest bath I've ever took in my life. It was three in the morning by the time I got out. The whole time I played Frank ocean because he's my comfort artist.
I still hate him.
Bailey was being extra clingy which I didn't mind. I needed her.
At this point, I just wanted to go to sleep peacefully and forget about everything that happened.
I couldn't though.
The Frank ocean on my tv, blue lights, my favorite candle, and none of it was working how it usually does.
All I could think about was my dad cheating on my mom when I was little. It's not the same, but it feels like it.
Technically, he didn't owe me that type of loyalty.
We weren't together.
Everything was just a waste of time. ?
I don't want to think that.
What if I was just a distraction? How did I let myself become that?
I wished he would've just left me alone.