A/N: This chapter took a lot from me to write authentically, couldn't stop crying writing it, so please leave a vote, a comment or even follow me on my journey! *gives cookie* Thanks for reading!
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In a world spinning faster than ever, where plans crumble like sandcastles against the tide, I find myself standing at the crossroads of reality and the dreams I've carefully woven. I've always been the kind of person who has their ducks in a row, their stars aligned, and their schedules color-coded. But lately, it's like the universe is chuckling at my futile attempts, conspiring to unravel my most thought-out plots. Or perhaps, I've become lost in the very mazes I've drawn for myself.
We're walking back to my car, a nice breeze brushing against our faces, and then Paul surprises me. He opens the car door like a gentleman, and our eyes meet.
My heart starts dancing to a new beat I've never heard before. His hug feels like a warm shield, breaking down the walls I put up to keep my feelings in check. I don't hate myself, but there's a feeling of letdown inside me. Life's tricky, making us question what we really want.
And then there's Paul, holding my hand with his fingers tangled in mine. The chaos around us seems to calm down. We breathe together, and in a soft voice, I promise to text him. But it's not that simple. My heart wants what it wants, no matter how much I fight it. I'm wrestling with feelings I've hidden for so long, all because of his touch.
"I'm not trying to make things weird, Ari," Paul says, like he's sharing a secret. "I don't expect you to rush into anything. I'm just bad at keeping things to myself."
I can't help but laugh a bit, "Well, you work in mental health stuff, right?"
Paul grins, "I'm actually a physician's assistant in behavioral health, but it's kinda similar."
We take a moment, the cars passing by in a blur as we talk about the things we haven't said. "I know this is tough because of Bryan," Paul admits, looking vulnerable. "And it's maybe not great that I'm Bryan's brother and I'm telling you I like you. But he had his shot. Missed it."
His gaze is intense, like he's laying out all his cards on the table. And in that moment, it hits me that life's a mess of feelings and moments we never see coming. Standing there with Paul, everything feels uncertain and clear at the same time. Funny how hearts can be louder than all the plans we make.
I can't help but grin as I glance at his Nike sneakers, a little bit in awe of how everything's unfolded. Seriously, if someone had told me all of this would happen to me, I'd probably have laughed them off. This summer has been one wild ride, that's for sure. And to think, just a few months ago, I had no idea any of this was waiting for me. Life's funny that way, isn't it?
I shake my head, half chuckling to myself. Who would've thought that my summer would turn out like this? With school looming on the horizon, just a month away, the whole situation with Paul feels like something out of a movie. I mean, he's probably like three times my age, and here he is, showing an interest in me.
"That's so strange, even if you appear so different from him...you guys are still kind of alike."
He just gives me a knowing look as I slide into my car, and he leans over to close my door with a soft thud. The moment stretches out, the air heavy with unspoken thoughts. I start the car, the engine humming to life, and try to shake off the odd intensity of the moment.
Paul's gaze lingers on me for a beat longer before I blink and turn my attention to the road ahead, gripping the steering wheel. The engine purrs softly as I pull away, the sun dipping lower in the sky, casting long shadows across the asphalt.
The conversation still hangs between us, a thread waiting to be picked up again. But for now, I focus on the road, the wind rushing through the open windows, and the uncertainty of what lies ahead.
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I got back home and hopped into the shower, washing away the day's sweat and worries. Standing in front of my vanity mirror now, I'm moisturizing my skin, and without the makeup now, the raw truth was revealed.
There's the unrefined jawline, the one that my pretty pills haven't quite softened yet, and the pesky large pores that never seem to cooperate.
My fingertips trace the features I wish I could change. It's been a while since I worried about what others might think of me, since I stopped caring if they "clocked" me. But dysphoria? That's a battle that's been raging within me since day one.
My hands are busy working on my braids, undoing them strand by strand. My new wig arrived, and I'm planning to rock it for the big showing tomorrow. It's out of my comfort zone, I usually do a black colored one, but this one is burgundy.
Just as I'm lost in my own little world, there's a knock on my door. "Aye, sis?" It's Zay.
"Yeah, what's up?" I call back, scissors in hand as I start snipping my braids shorter.
Zay drops down onto my bed, the springs squeaking in protest. "How did that camp thing go? Didn't get a chance to ask you."
I turn around to face him, braids in various states of disarray. "It was...interesting," I say with a hint of a pout. "A lot of drama, I guess."
He raises an eyebrow, clearly intrigued. "Wanna tell me about it?"
I pause, letting my thoughts catch up before I continue. "You know, it was supposed to be a Christian camp, right?" He nods in understanding, waiting for me to go on. "Well, the thing is, I'm trans. And being there, it just didn't feel like a place for me. Everyone was nice and all, but it was like this constant thought in the back of my mind. And, I might've met a guy...or two," I add, a little smirk tugging at my lips.
Zay playfully pokes my Pikachu squishmallow, a grin on his face. "Hey, every place is for you, you deserve to take up all of that space. You are who you are, period. And Ari, not all Christian's are like the ones you see on Tik Tok, some are actually nice, maybe you lucked out."
I can't help but grin back at him. "Thanks, Zay," I say, warmth spreading through me. "I'm still kind of trying to wrap my head around it all. It's like no one really gets what's going on inside my head, or what it's really like to be me. There's not a single roadmap to this, you know? It's a journey I'm trying to figure out."
Zay leans in, his gaze steady. "But the best thing about that is...You get to set your own pace and decide when you've crossed the finish line. Don't stress yourself overthinking it." He looks at me, a mischievous glint in his eye. "Okay I'm ready to hear about these dudes. I don't want to get all up in your business, but if they're causing you trouble, just say the word. Elijah and I will pull up on 'em."
I shake my head, smiling. "Nah, they're not jerks. It's just that things have gotten a bit...complicated."
Zay raises an eyebrow, intrigued. "Complicated how?"
I chuckle, feeling the warmth creeping onto my cheeks. "Okay, so it's like a love rectangle," I started.
Zay's eyes widen. "A whole rectangle? Damn, Ari."
I roll my eyes with a sheepish grin. "I know, it sounds ridiculous. Trust me, I'm just as annoyed at myself. But honestly, it's not entirely my fault." I waved out my hand.
Zay leans back, shaking his head but still smiling. "Well, love can be pretty wild sometimes. Just make sure you're taking care of yourself in the middle of this romantic geometry."
I turn back around to my vanity and pout, "I was never good at math."
Zay says goodnight, tossing my Pikachu squishmallow my way. I shoot him a playful glare before he leaves, disappearing from my room. Alone, I'm ready to wind down when my phone buzzes with Nea's call. "Hey boo," I answered, happy to hear her voice.
"Listen up, girl," Nea's voice bursts with excitement, "there's this awesome party happening after your big showing tomorrow. We gotta be there!"
"A party?" I echo, intrigued.
"Yes, seriously! And we're totally crashing it," she enthuses, her energy contagious even through the phone.
I pause, mulling over the idea. "Alright. Who's throwing this party?"
"Bryan, can you believe it?" Nea spills, knowing our history. "I know things ended between you two weirdly, but think about it. This could be your chance to fix things. Summer's almost over, and I need some fun, you know?"
I can't help but smile, a mix of emotions bubbling inside. "Nea, you're wild," I say, shaking my head with a grin. "Okay, I'm in. Not 'cause I want to, but because I can't let you turn into a rage monster."
Nea's laughter fills my ear, and I can't help but laugh along. "You're the best, Ari! This party's gonna rock!"
As Nea and I chat, giggles filling the air, I feel a tiny thrill inside me. I just sense this party could spring a surprise on me, hidden among our plans and fun talks. It's like a bunch of butterflies decided to throw a party in my chest, making me super excited.
Could it be that running into Bryan won't be as awkward as I've been picturing? Summer's about to end, like Nea said. And I'm thinking, maybe life isn't all boring when I step out of my cozy room. You know, where my sticky notes and craft kits are my best buddies.
Nea hangs up, and I grab a colorful sticky note. I jot down the three words I always tell myself: "live life free." Then, with purpose, I stick it on the wall, right next to my collection of other notes.
Started doing this back when I was Michael, and even now as Ariah, I keep it going. Maybe these notes can help me handle life's surprises better. It's kind of nice knowing that even when things go wonky, I still have a bit of control, a touch of power, thanks to these cheerful reminders.
I look at my phone on the desk. Bryan's message sits there, a tiny puzzle waiting to be solved. I pause, feeling the suspense. Then, taking a deep breath, I reached for the phone. My fingers shake a bit with excitement and nerves. The message shows a sneak peek, a puzzle piece that could change tonight, this summer, and maybe my whole life.
The room went all hush, like everyone was holding their breath. I soaked up the suspense before finally tapping the screen. Bryan's message was right there, like a secret door to a mystery. I opened it and boom – just a simple text from him.
He texted that he'd been thinking about me a bunch lately. And he let on about the party he's throwing, matching up with what Nea spilled over the phone.
Then it hit me – I forgot to turn off that thing that shows when you've read a message. Panic zapped through me like lightning.
Bryan was typing back, and I couldn't let him know I saw it before I could even think. Quick as a flash, I jumped to another app, dodging that message receipt like a pro. Crisis kind of averted. I hoped.
A tiny ping bounced in my cozy room. It was muffled but hit me deep. What was he saying? My phone just sat there, innocent, but holding secrets that could totally change everything.
I sat in front of my bedroom mirror, fingers gently working through the strands of another braid. My reflection stared back at me, holding secrets and stories only I knew. The person in the mirror looked both familiar and distant, like a snapshot from another time.
With a nostalgic smile, I remembered a time when I was just a ten-year-old kid, lost in a world of pixels and possibilities. A mischievous grin tugged at my lips as I thought about the crazy thing I did back then. Catfishing my own best friend in a video game—it sounds wild now, but back then, it was a way to be someone else, someone I knew deep down I was meant to be. I chuckled at the memory, shaking my head at my younger self's audacity.
The memories came rushing back, like a movie playing in my mind. I could almost feel the excitement and fear that had coursed through me as I pretended to be someone I wasn't. It wasn't the smartest thing to do, but it felt like a lifeline at the time. It was the only way I could glimpse the world as the girl I knew I truly was, even if it was through a screen.
As I stared at the mirror image of myself, I felt a lump forming in my throat. No, I wasn't going to cry. Not here, not now. But there was a moment, a single decision back then, that changed everything. It set off a chain reaction of truth and self-discovery that I couldn't ignore.
I took a deep breath, reminding myself that it was all part of the journey. That scared little boy had grown into someone who could face the world as themselves, unapologetically.
Not physically like the girl he was using, but the girl who had been hiding deep inside me, too afraid to come out and take her place in the sun. Year by year, she had gained strength, until she burst out of her hiding place like a hurricane.
I grinned at the thought, feeling the rush of liberation all over again. The girl who had once been confined to the shadows now danced in the rain, her tears mixed with the droplets on her cheeks, arms outstretched and laughter ringing in the air.
The raindrops felt like jumping into a cold pool on a hot day and your whole-body tingles. The water's bubbles brushed against her skin and it was like little bits of happiness popping on her cheeks, nose, and lips. Everything around her seemed a bit blurry, like looking through a foggy window. But she kept dancing, kept moving forward.
And then, like coming up for air, she broke through the rain and into the open. The blurriness started to fade, and she stood there, wet, hair stuck to her lips and a little out of breath, but incredibly alive.
She realized that she didn't have to be held back by what others thought anymore. She knew that I finally noticed her and loved her wholly.
She could be herself, dance in the rain, and feel the world around her without any limits. And as she stood there, rain-soaked and smiling, she knew that this was just the beginning of Ariah.
I reached for my phone, tears finally sliding down my cheeks, and there it was—a message from him. "Ariah?" The name that held a thousand memories and a million emotions.
I typed my response, my heart pounding with every letter. "Hey, I'll see you at your party."
A/N: Here's a cookie 🤓 make sure to like, comment and follow if you enjoyed this chapter 💗