I was already awake before James but I was just too lazy to move. I felt him stir and he laid his head gently on my chest. I stretched my legs out and my hands rubbed his back. I forgot how well toned his back is and he still had that band-aid on it.
He placed wet kisses on my chest and I squirmed a little at the sensation. His hand found it's way to my hip and he placed kisses up my neck and along my jaw. I wrapped my arms around his neck and his lips eventually found mine. I grabbed the back of his neck and let his tongue dance along mine. We moved our mouths in sync, ignoring the sound of our teeth clacking against each other. His tongue explored my mouth and saliva was dripping from my mouth. I groaned in his mouth as I felt his crotch rub against mine. It was turning me on and I just wanted him to fill me up already. He continued to grind against me and kiss me slowly and softly.
"Please." I whined, he was teasing me at this point. I've been thinking about this for so long and he's just kissing me, ignoring both of our erections.
"Please what?" He teased. I groaned out of frustration and through my head back.
I shoved my hands down his boxers. His dick was as hard as mine and I palmed it gently and looked at him. I bet I look like a slut but I don't care, I want to feel him badly inside me.
He groaned lowly and pulled his boxers down and I lifted mine off. His hand wrapped around my oversensitive tip and I couldn't stop the breathy moans escaping from my mouth.
"Do you need prep?" He asked.
I squirmed and whined, I couldn't think about what he was asking me. Not now.
"I don't know if that's a yes or a no." He said with a seductive low chuckle.
"Fuck- No. Just put it in already." I groaned. Pleasepleasepleaseplease.
He laughed and lifted my leg over his shoulder. I was nervous but then again i've been wanting this for months now. I couldn't tell if he was trying to piss me off by going slow, sure he always hit the right spot with every thrust, but his pace was making me go crazy.
"James can you.. speed up?" I asked struggling to keep my voice straight.
He raised his eyebrow at me and looked at me with a grin, I groaned and buried my head into the pillow as I felt his thrust harder against my prostate. I felt him speed up, finally, and I don't remember what happened. I think I blacked out from the pleasure i'm not sure. I just remember James getting up and going to the bathroom. I watched him as he was at the sink then he walked back with a towel and wiped me down.
"You came like 3 times Kirk, must've felt amazing." James said with a chuckle and blush on his face.
I just mumbled something not sure what just happened. I just remember feeling so good but fuck. I grabbed James's hand, unsure why I did it.
"You alright? You need water?" James asked.
I nodded and sat up. I let go of his hand and James walked out and I tried to find my boxers but they were nowhere to be seen. James came back with a cup and I drank it in about a second. James looked at me with a smile and he took the cup and placed it on the nightstand. He then wrapped his arms around me and laid on my chest causing me to fall back on the bed.
"You might be the best person i've ever met." James said. He moved his hand up to move a curl that was covering my face.
I blushed, that had to be code for something. Right?
"Oh yeah?" I questioned with a laugh.
James laughed too and got up, he stretched and put his hand out for me to grab.
"Wanna shower?" He asked.
"Together?" I asked as I took his hand and got up.
"Sure, if you want to." He said.
I shrugged and walked into the bathroom. James turned the water on and it was super fucking hot.
"What the fuck? Why do you shower with hot water? It's like 110 degrees outside." I asked.
He gave me the most be for real look and he was probably thinking I was crazy but he's crazy for wanting to be hot all of the time.
"So you shower with cold water?" James asked.
"Yes." I said.
"Your weird." He said.
"Says the person who likes to be hot like a damn farmer." I mumbled under my breath.
James raised an eyebrow at me but a grin was plastered on his face and he turned the water down until it was warm, but more on the colder side.
"That better?" He asked with an eye roll. So sassy.
I nodded and got in first. James handed me a loofa and joined me. I could feel James washing himself and I moved so he could get some of the water on him. James then shook his hair resulting in some of the water getting on me. I squeezed the loofa on him and he laughed and flicked the water at me. We kept play fighting and splashing water on each other until we decided we should really get out of the shower, and because of James's water bill.
"Let me wash your back." He said. I smiled and turned around so my back was facing him. I blushed at the contact from James's rather rough hands. He rubbed the loofa gently on my shoulder blades and moved in a circular motion. His hand gripped the muscle in between my neck and shoulder and he moved the loofa to the small of my back, the hand by my shoulder now on my waist. I let my head fall forward as I rinsed the shampoo out of my hair. I felt really relaxed with James's touch. So much that I didn't even notice when he finished until his hand left me. I opened my eyes, unaware of when I closed them, and turned around with a soft thank you.
We got out and I grabbed a towel and started to dry myself off. But I still didn't have clothes. I dried my hair and wrapped the towel around my waist. I was cold and I needed clothes.
"I don't have clothes." I said.
James had an oh yeah moment and ran into his room. I didn't think he needed to run but he came back with clothes and left the bathroom. The clothes were simple, boxers, sweatpants and a wife beater. I smiled I definitely felt warmer when I put them on. James's sweatpants were big on me but of course I didn't care. I normally would brush my teeth but of course, I can't. So I just put on his deodorant and walked out of the bathroom. I could hear pots clanging together and I walked into the kitchen and sat down on a chair.
"What are you cooking?" I asked curiously.
"Eggs, grits and sausage." He responded.
I remembered how my mom would cook meals like this at 12 in the afternoon. We'd always wake up late on weekends and it was laughable how she'd cook breakfast when it was lunch time but me and my siblings didn't really mind. We would always go along with her crazy dancing and surprisingly amazing vocals. But it makes sense since my mom met my dad while she was singing with her band in a local bar.
"That sounds like what my mom used to make." I said. He turned around and raised an eyebrow as to say 'oh yeah?'
"I remember she used to play this loud music and we'd sing it as she cooked." I said with a smile. My mother always knew how to make me smile even if she wasn't present.
"Nice memories I just remembered." I said.
James was focused on the oven. I could only see his back but I thought about the marks I left there about an hour ago. No one would mind if they saw them on him right?
"Tell me about your childhood." James said knocking me out of my thoughts like a ball hitting a bowling pin. He was sitting with his back towards the oven and now looking fully at me. I looked down and tried to pick through the pieces of what I was gonna tell him.
"Well I grew up with my parents and siblings, but I spent most of it in the garage." I said. James already knew that but he probably didn't know I had a brother and sister.
"I had a fascination for fixing cars. Finding the problem and solving it. It was good for me." I was implying after my dad's death. But still it was fun even before his death.
"My dad taught me all the tricks and cheats and when he died I ran the shop." I said.
He raised an eyebrow at me and looked at the pans for a split of a second.
"So you ran a shop when you were 13?" He asked. I was surprised at how he knew but I did tell him my dad died when I was around that age.
"Yeah, he always said I was a gonna take over so I was ready when I was 13." Even though I did when I was 15 when money became tight when my sister moved out. Only my brothers paycheck from a corner store and my moms gig money barely paying the mortgage.
He turned around and started cooking. I started thinking again but he kept taking me out of my thoughts like he knew I was thinking about some deep shit.
"What about your siblings?" He asked. He was paying attention to the food so he didn't see the frown that formed on my face. The death of my father really tore us apart. I spent the most time with him so I was the most broken up about his death and my sister didn't really like that since my dad wasn't the best man alive, that really put a crack in our relationship. My brother was in the middle of it all, he loved dad but he always hated the way he treated mom and so he never really talked to me before and after his death.
"My brother joined the army and my sister went to college in Arizona." I said. He nodded and went back to cooking.
I haven't really heard from them, my mom hasn't either. Last I heard from my brother he was stationed in Germany and met a girl and had a kid and ever since my sister left she hasn't talked to any of us. They completely moved on. We used to be so close, playing in the backyard of our house, looking out for each other. We went from brothers and sister to strangers all forced to live in one shitty house. We caused all kinds of stress on mom too, we all went to her about our problems instead of each other. Whether it was my brother's tendencies to drink underage and get in trouble with the sheriff or my sister's hoeing or my nightmares and trauma. But I decided not to think about that anymore and smiled as I looked at James.
"This is nice, thank you." I said softly.
He smiled at me in response and it brought me great comfort seeing his lopsided grin. Then I had a question, doesn't James's work? He's like a cop or something since I could see his gun laying on the table in front of me.
"Don't you have work too?" I asked.
He shook his head no and placed a plate of food in front of me. I could smell it and it smelled good. He sat down but quickly got up and came back with two cups of what I assume to be orange juice.
"I'm a bounty hunter but I get my cases from this lady so all I do is show up, so not really a job but it keeps this place so yeah." He said eating his cooking. He had a surprised face and I assumed he wasn't the best cook usually.
I took a small bite of each thing and it wasn't bad but wasn't the best i've ever tasted. The grits could use more salt, the sausage was a little over and I normally eat my eggs scrambled but the fact that James did all of this for me brought a warm feeling to my stomach.
I saw him looking at me and I felt weird since he might think I eat weird and I covered my mouth out of instinct.
"This is good, bounty hunting sounds like a cool job." I said. I felt nervous for some random reason and bashed myself since he said bounty hunting isn't a job.
"Thanks, glad you like it. There's cheese in the fridge if you eat it with your grits." He said.
I wanted to be more. I really don't know what we are but I want to spend everyday with him. I've known this for the past weeks but I was too nervous/afraid that my lack of knowledge with men would get in the way. But it didn't.
I finished eating and James took my plate and his plate and put them in the sink. I got up and stretched and I sat on the couch. He joined me and nothing interesting was really playing just some Star Wars movie but then I saw that familiar disney opening.
"Oh shit! I love this movie." I exclaimed excitedly as I got up to get us beers. This was the first movie my mom got me after we got a dvd player for Christmas.
I laid my head on James's thigh and I felt him tense. I thought I was probably moving too fast until I felt him relax. His hand then trailed down the side of my body and under the wife beaters and a little under the hem of the sweatpants I was wearing.
I couldn't help but think of the memories. My whole family together in the living room watching this. Me and my sister calling each other gross because i'd kiss a frog and he wouldn't.
I had to pee once the movie was over and I got up to stretch a little. I went to the bathroom and handled my business.
"Hey Kirk, i'm getting your clothes. Wanna come?" I heard him asked.
"Yeah! Give me a minute." I said. I looked around and found a pair of blue jeans laying in a bin. I threw them on but kept the wife beater on. I walked out and James was leaning against the wall.
"Come on, we're getting my horse." He said. Holy shit a horse?
"Yeah, you rode on one before?" He asked. Apparently I said that out loud or he read my facial expression, i'm not really good at hiding them.
"No." Now thinking about it, my dad always wanted to ride a horse. "My dad always wanted to but of course he never got to." I said. I frowned, everything just reminds me of him.
James slung his arm around my shoulder and had a pink blush on his cheeks. I smiled and we walked to his truck.
"It's not that great, trust me." He said.
I laughed since I definitely didn't believe him. I nudged my head into his ribs before parting ways and getting into the passenger seat of his truck.
We didn't say anything during the car ride but we didn't really need to. I just thought. I really think I might be in actual love with him, not like some stupid crush actual love. Love is scary but I would actually commit with him.
I looked at him as he was driving, he had one arm in the wheel and the other messing with his chin. I blushed at the sight since I thought he looked really hot, how did I even meet him again? Oh yeah, his truck broke and I fixed it. Why would he even be wasting his time on me? Im just some mechanic. He caught me staring and smiled at me. I got knocked out of my thoughts and turned the other direction. I felt embarrassed that he caught me staring. I blushed and bit my lip, what is he doing to me?
We made it to the horse house, I don't know what it's called but I was excited.
"Woah tranquillo Kirk." James said with a laugh.
"I want to ride on one. What color is yours?" I asked.
"She's black with white around her eyes." James said.
"That horse sounds badass." I said.
James laughed at me and we walked into the place. It smelled like horse and shit. But I saw horses and they were fucking huge, I mean yeah but I wasn't expecting them to be that huge. I felt a little nervous now looking at them, how was I even gonna get on top of one?
James was talking to the guy at the front, about what? I don't know. They seem to know each other well, James must be really popular. I wonder if he's had girlfriends before. Girls probably ask him out all the time, I would if I was a girl. But I would now so I technically don't count.
James laughed and started walking. I followed him since I didn't really know where I was going. But the horses were so pretty and scary looking at the same time.
James stopped at a black horses with a white spot around her left eye. He smiled at the horse and rubbed her neck. She made some noise and leaned into James. They must have a nice relationship. Made me love James even more.
"I know girl, I know. I'm sorry for leaving here for so long." He said as he hugged the horse and grabbed hay and fed it to the horse.
He looked at me and gave me a soft smile. He motioned for me to come and I walked next to him, even closer to the horse than I was before.
"Touch her neck and just rub it, she's very nice. Trust me." He said in this soft, calm voice. It made the hairs on my neck stand up and it would've turned me on immediately if used in the bed.
The horse was giving me this judgemental look and I heard stories about horses stomping and killing people. I slowly reached my hand up and touched where James told me to. Her hair was very soft, kind of reminded me of someone.
"See look." He said.
He grabbed my hand and started to move it. I could feel him directly behind me but I decided to focus on whatever James was getting me to do.
"She likes it when you do this." He said.
I was nervous as he led my hand further down and underneath the mouth. What if the horse bites my hand off? Then how am I going to work?
I felt James's body pressed against mine. He felt so warm and it took everything in me not to lean into it. It felt a little more relaxed having him right there.
"Calm down, she won't hurt you. Trust me she's more scared of you than you are of her." He whispered. I felt his breath tickle my ear and my breath hitched quietly. Now my dreams are gonna be filled with him whispering into my ear. He would probably degrade me even though I know he won't in real life, not that I mind if he does. I do like it rough.
Ok let me stop thinking about that. He stayed behind me and held my hand and guided it on the horse. He randomly moved away and I saw a guy outside and figured that's why. The horse made a sound and I jumped back. I looked at James who was still staring at the man, why was he still here? Shit did he see? Ok don't think too much, no one is going to believe it they've seen me with girls but James? James looks like he's straight they won't believe it, and he's popular.
He grabbed my hand again but wasn't behind me anymore. He continued to help me with the horse. But the horse was so unpredictable. Randomly she'd make noise or move and it was scary. James was just laughing at me, I frowned at him but this horse wasn't that bad. I was still excited to ride her.
He let go of my hand and grabbed a rope and this white thing, assuming the saddle. He put the saddle on her and tied the rope somewhere and we walked outside.
We were outside and James let go of the rope and walked towards me.
"Here. Put your foot right there and just throw your body over." He said. Which wasn't really that hard as I was now on a horse. I looked down at James and he looked so small from up here.
James got on with me and I hugged him from behind. He paused for a moment then turned his head slightly. He had a gentle smile and blush on his cheeks, which could be excused from the harsh weather but I didn't think that. That thought kind of made me smile.
"You don't have to hold on, I won't go fast." He said.
"I know, I just want to." I simply said. Maybe I should get my feelings across maybe tell him? Fuck but I don't wanna embarrass myself though. I'm in my 30's and I still can't tell someone I'm interested in them.
He grinned and nodded his head, he had a 'ohhhhhhh' moment and I think he definitely took the hint. I felt my stomach knot and I smiled against James's back.
"Yah!" James said. I rolled my eyes since I've heard cowboys say that thinking they're Clint Eastwood but I smiled since James was just silly in his own ways.
We were on the road, few cars, few houses. All I could hear was James's faint humming and the sound of his horse's feet hitting the pavement beneath us.
"This is nice." I mumbled, but really I was just thinking out loud. I felt really special to be getting a ride on a horse with James.
"Yeah? You like it?" He asked. He sounded like he didn't believe me and I could just imagine the smile on his face.
I nodded and he continued to hum. I wish I knew what goes on in his head. Like does he think of me they way I think of him? Which is kinda weird but I just wanna know. I feel so right around him and if he doesn't agree I will bury myself in the nearby desert. I think i've fallen too deep in love. I laughed in my head at these thoughts. I didn't believe I was such a sap like this and i've never really experienced anything like this.
I saw my dad's shop and that old and rusty 'Hammett Mechanic' sign. I've always said I was gonna get a new one but I could never bring myself to do so, I just thought my dad wouldn't like that. Wherever he is.
I got off of the horse and walked into the garage, Kerry and Tom eyed me and I walked over to the both of them.
"I didn't think you were coming in today?" Tom questioned.
"No. I uh kinda got convinced not to come." I said, I scratched the back of my head and hoped they didn't question James back there.
"To go on a ride on a horse? Isn't that the roof fixer guy?" Kerry asked.
I looked back at James and turned back towards the others and raised my eyebrows. Roof fixer? I thought he was a bounty hunter?
"That guy booted my car cause I didn't pay my speeding tickets. Think he's also a bounty hunter." Tom said.
"Wasn't he in the shop like the other day?" Kerry asked.
"Oh yeah, why are you with him? Are you guys friends or something?" Tom asked.
"Uhh yeah kind of." I said but it sounded more like a question.
"Kind of? What's going on between you and that guy?" Kerry asked, with an eyebrow raise.
"I don't know how to explain it. But I kind of got to go. Got things to do, with...him?" That last part sounded very gay and I ran off and grabbed a bag. I also knew how to explain it, but I can't say he's my boyfriend maybe we just mess around but this feels further than just fucking. What the fuck even are we? We're some type of thing right? Am I even ready for a relationship right now? Is he ready?
I wasn't paying attention and knocked down a framed photo of my dad and I fixing a car. I panicked and picked it up. No not now, I told myself. I laid the photo on my table and grabbed my backpack and walked out.
"So you guys are having a sleepover." Kerry said from whatever Javelin he was detailing.
"Yeah!" I shouted. I wanted him to stop poking and walked back to James who was on his phone.
He put it down when he saw me though and helped me back up.
"Can we go somewhere?" I asked.
"Yeah, where?" He asked.
"I'll give you directions, it's a spot I used to go to all the time as a kid." I said. I remember that spot, it was a safe space. It was a cliff that was about a 10 foot drop but you could see a bit of the desert in the back ground. Dunes, cacti, rabbits, coyotes. When it got really hard I went there to escape. My tears are embedded in the sand, which is kinda sad but it just shows how much comfort that spot brought me.
I pointed to the trees and he turned and a bunch of memories flowed back to me. The horse was walking slower and James seemed to be trying to get her to go faster. Then the trees cleared and there it was. My mom called this place 'Kirk Kingdom' cause I used to go here everyday and seeing it again almost brought me to tears.
James stopped the horse and I got off of her and sat on the edge like i've done a million times years ago. I felt the peace wash over me but also a hint of sadness. I've forgotten this place even though it pulled me out of my ruts. I felt bad for not stopping by once or twice and kind of abandoning it.
"I came up here a lot in my teenage years.I haven't been up here in 15 years." I clarified since James probably wasn't feeling what I was feeling.
"Oh yeah?" James questioned still looking out at the dunes.
"Yeah." I said with a slight nod.
Then I remembered that journal. It was my dad's but after he died my mom gave it to me. It had writings about cars and sports in it, I ripped those out and stored them in a shoebox and started my own shit.
I pulled it out from the sand and touched the leather brown cover with our name on the front in gold and cursive font. I rubbed my thumb over it and sat back down next to James. Our thighs were touching but he didn't seem to notice or care so I didn't either.
"When my dad died I didn't have a way to voice
my frustration. I was always too scared to talk
since i thought I would appear as weak so I
wrote poems as an outlet and kept em to
myself." I said. I opened the notebook and saw the old cringy poems that I made. I wasn't very good at writing but it helped a lot.
He flipped through the pages and seemed quite impressed but he also expressed understanding. What he went through was tough yet he's confident as ever. I could never be like him. He's so cool and hot and laid back. Just makes me want him even more.
I looked at the journal page he was on and saw a meaty paragraph and knew exactly what that was. My first guy experience. I remember being so grossed out when it happened and 15 years later I do it for the pleasure.
"Oh this is when I kissed a guy for the first time." I said.
He was reading and I couldn't help but think about that cowboy. That mullet wearing biker. I went through old yearbooks a while back and saw that that guy was 20 when he did that to me in the bathroom. I was a little bit younger but still a teen. He had a cute round face and muscles and his mustache. He was my definition of hot when I was that age but thinking back what did I even see in him? Maybe because he did that to me, enlightened me a little bit. I remember he walked into the shop a year later and we went out for beer after work. I was still virgin but I kept myself open for guys I just didn't know how. I remember him pulling me into the alleyway, he forced me against the wall and took off my pants. He didn't force himself in but still it was painful. He was also very rough, pulling my hair, gripping my waist, some degrading. When it came to women I was gentle but being just an object like that to a guy was oddly arousing, everything with that guy turned me on. I had bruises around my waist after he was done. It was new and weird but I loved it.
James seemed to be focused on reading the paragraph and I hoped that it doesn't turn him off but why would it?
"That was your first time?" James asked with a slight eyebrow raise.
"Yeah, what about you?" I asked.
He let out a huff and looked up. I could tell that he's had a lot of dudes under his belt, literally, so it might be hard to find the first person.
"Oh," He said looking back down at me.
"I was working on this guys house since he wanted a shed for his tools and shit." So he does do like housework. Cool.
"He invited me in and we drank a couple beers until he started to touch my crotch and yeah." He said. He didn't need to finish I already knew what happened.
"How old were you?" I asked.
"18. Which is really late to lose your virginity I know." He also said. I didn't think that though, I lost my virginity, with a guy, around that age too.
I laughed for some reason, don't really know why, but James just made me feel intoxicated or something. I just didn't feel normal and it was addicting.
I laid my head on his shoulder. The sun was setting a little bit and this felt like a scene right out of a romance movie. He wrapped his arm around me and I felt his fingers in my hair.
We watched the sunset and I couldn't stop the red tint on my face from showing. He smelled so nice and just him being right there was like getting the answers from the ceiling you stare at during a test. There was no question, he was perfect. So perfect.
"Them mosquitoes are eatin me up, you ready to leave?" He asked. I looked up at him and nodded with a soft laugh.
He got up and helped me up. I tossed my journal back into the hole and covered it back up.
We took the horse back to the stables and got back in his truck. It smelled like cigarettes or something, which I didn't notice until now. I turned the radio on and some rock song came on, I knew it I just didn't remember the name. I started to sing obnoxiously and whipped my hair around like I was some kind of rockstar. James was laughing at me and I kept going since I liked hearing his laugh. When the solo came on I started air guitaring. He kept laughing at me and I broke down in laughter too. I probably looked so stupid but it was whatever. The song finished and I was so sweaty and hot.
"You suck at singing." He said.
I pretended to be offended but it was the truth. I laughed and I punched his shoulder lightly. He laughed at me again and got out. I wanted to hold his hand but maybe that was too far.
"Thanks dickhead." I said.
We walked up the stairs but I wanted to see if he was genuinely ok with this or at least as ok as I am with this.
I grabbed the back of his neck and got on my tippy toes to kiss him. He kissed me back and put his hand on the side of my cheek. My heart was pounding and I definitely got my answer. I'll just ask him about it tomorrow or something.
We finally pulled away and he had a soft smile on his face. He opened the door and threw his gun on the table. I was pretty thirsty and kind of hungry so I got a bottled water from his fridge. I then walked to the couch and laid down.
James walked to his room but came out in just sweatpants. He walked to me and lifted my feet up so he could sit down and let them plop down on his lap. I chuckled a little and stared at the ceiling. The TV wasn't on and it was just him and I. It was silent and I closed my eyes until James's voice woke me up.
"You don't mind if I uhh if I cuddle you?" He asked. He sounded really nervous and kind of timid. Ok he's definitely in love. But i've never really been asked to cuddle, I know with girls it's expected but with guys I never really got any cuddles.
I laughed at the request and opened my arms exposing my torso to him. He laid on my chest and I could smell the lemon shampoo. We then adjusted to kind of lay on our sides. James had his face buried in my/his shirt. I ran my hand through his hair and he just hummed and hugged me. We laid there for a few until we got up and went to his room. I was pretty tired and I had to get up extra early tomorrow since I took today off.
I threw the shirt off and the jeans and got in the bed. James put the covers over of us both. He then spooned me and I felt his hands rub up and down on my bare body. I was too tired to really respond to this gesture so I just scooted closer into him and closed my eyes.
I opened my eyes and saw that I slept a little later than I was intending. I groaned and put on the jeans I wore yesterday and one of my work shirts I brought back from the shop. I was really tired and I wished I could just get back in the bed with James. Speaking of James, I felt his arms around me and his breath on my neck.
"Good morning, sorry if I woke you." I said. My voice was kind of groggy and I sounded like I was pissed.
He hummed and wiped his face on the back of my shirt. Then I figured i'll ask him about us right now while i'm still here.
"I just have a quick question." I started.
"Hit me." He said, he sounded tired too and let go of me.
"Are we a thing?" I asked. He didn't answer for a little and I knew rejection or some type of hesitation was bound to come.
"I uh I don't date," Bingo. But it technically isn't a no.
"I was thinking more of a friends with benefits type relationship." Fuck. Friends? Really? Please tell me he's kidding. I would've been fine without some type of title but friends? I can still kiss him or whatever though right? He said benefits. I felt my heart split and I hurried up and put my shoes on.
I kissed him and played it off like I was late for work but I just wanted out. I got in my car and hit the steering wheel with all of my might. Why did I ask? The word friends kept playing in my head and I know he didn't mean entirely friends but still every time i'm with him i'll just be reminded that we are 'friends'.
I could still be with him but it just won't feel the same. It'll feel weird and just not right. I bit my lip hard and ran a hand through my hair. I didn't do anything to it and it was flat in the back and sides. I cursed and started my car. I just felt completely turned off which hurt since I genuinely loved James. Maybe it had something to do with what happened when he was kid, I shouldn't be so selfish. But I can't help the way I feel.
And I must've been an open book since Kerry has been asking me if I was okay all day. He even gave me a call after work. I thought about seeing James but I didn't want to, not anymore. I can't be a friend. Why am I taking this so seriously? We could still do the things we were already doing.
I got up and got a beer from the mini fridge. I didn't feel like thinking anymore. My heart hurt every time I thought about the word friend. A fucking friend? Like we weren't in love just yesterday. Maybe i'm delusional, maybe I was just telling myself he felt the same way because I wanted him too.
Fuck.
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A/N: Happy Birthday James! Wrote this on the second of August but finished on the 3rd. This chapter is also really long (6000+ words) sorry for those who don't like long chapters but I wanted Kirk's to line up with James's. I'm still planning on doing bonus chapters so don't freak out after the next couple chapters.