I place the book down and stare at the ceiling. When I close my eyes, I can remember the look on Eli's face -- shock, disbelief, and frustration.
There's a part of me that understands my misery is only temporary and eventually, when I see Eli's smile at the end of the aisle, everything will feel right.
But, how can doing the right thing make me feel so bad?
A knock appeared and I turned my head to see Dad. He smiles, "I got something for you." Dad held a bag in the air. It isn't a secret that Eli and I broke up. Everyone knows it at school and eventually, with Trevon's big mouth, it'll reach my parents' ears.
I smile softly before getting up.
He settled beside me, "Remember when we went to the mall a while back and you told me you wanted that weird lipstick thing?"
I don't recall that at all. I grabbed the bag he handed to me and pulled out the box inside. It's lipstick...colored blue.
He smiles, "Am I the best or what?"
I chuckle and hug him, "The very best."
It's the thought that counts.
"Now, I don't know why you girls are into these blue lipsticks nowadays." I'm certain no girl is interested in that unless it's Halloween. "But, if my little girl wants it and it makes her feel better. Wear it away."
I place the lipstick back inside the bag. "I'm fine Dad."
Dad hugged me, "It'll be okay hun. Whatever it is you're going through, it'll work out."
I rest my head against his chest. "I know."
"It hurts now, but one day," he said, "You'll look back and see how much you grow from this, and you'll be...thankful to experience it."
I feel sleepy. "Can I tell you something?"
"Of course."
"I mean, really tell you something."
"Ava, it's me. You can tell me anything."
"I'm from the future."
Dad tilted his head to the side and digested the information I gave him. Then, he smiled, "What's the future like?"
I know he's playing along with my silly statement. Who'd want to question their daughter's insanity after a breakup with what they think is her first boyfriend? "Horrible."
"What makes it horrible?"
"Me." My head dropped and I held the urge to cry, "Me. I am horrible."
"Oh, Ava, darling. Don't say that."
"It's true. I wasn't there to stop Trevon from marrying this awful girl. Mom died. You didn't want to see me. Eli died. I cheated on my husband so many times I lost count. I killed my teacher." By the time I finished, I was an utter mess. "Everyone that ever cared about me is living miserable because of me."
Dad hugged me tightly and rubbed my back as I let out a dreadful cry. "I'm sorry your daughter is the villain of everyone's story."
Dad attempted to soothe me at the start, but the more did, the sadder I became. So, he simply stopped talking until I fell asleep.
I could feel his kiss on my forehead before he whispered: "No matter what you've done, Dad will always love you."
When he closed the door and the lights disappeared, I held onto the pillow to silence the cry.
Everyone was right.
As the days flew by, the breakup with Eli got easier. Soon, somehow, we started talking again.
At first, it was simple greetings such as: "Hi" or "Hey."
The greets became questions: "How are you today?" or "The math test was hard, wasn't it?"
Short sentences then turned into brief exchanges.
Eli stopped flirting with random girls in a futile attempt to get me jealous.
Random guys no longer stop by my locker.
Our friends stop asking us about each other.
I laughed at something Eli said as he leaned beside my locker. The longer our random conversation went on, the easier it got to breathe. I got used to his defeated puppy love eyes.
It's very brown.
My hair drags past my sight when Eli imitates some comedian. I caught him lifting his hand but quickly withdrew and covered his pain with a smile.
The class bell rang and I excused myself. Eli didn't offer to walk me to class like he did the first time we talked again. It's better that way.
After cheer practice, I found myself in the back of the school with Seth.
I chewed against the straw and pressed my head against the wall.
Seth sucks the milk out of his carton, "Were you ever somewhere alone."
I wish the guy stop talking in a riddle.
No wonder why Mina didn't choose him.
At least Luke speaks English.
"I was."
I was here first, but Seth decided to crash the party uninvited.
He looked at me and chuckled. "And-" he ignored my statement, "then you look up."
My gaze drifted towards the blue sky.
"Clouds or stars. Day or night. It doesn't matter." He exhales softly, "You get this feeling...how you don't fit in."
I had long admitted it, I'm a lonely person. Previously, it was my bad decisions that led to my bad situation. Now, the loneliness has resulted from the reincarnation.
The session with Dr.Cordova helped me cope with my situation, but it didn't exactly solve anything.
"How old were you?" I asked.
Maybe, my problems would be simple to solve if I didn't get so defensive before. Yes, I admit it. I'm overly sensitive to Seth Carillo. When I look at him, I see myself. Then, the mental block arrived, and instead of accepting his assistance, I pushed him away.
Why?
Accepting is a form of acknowledgment - that everything is not a dream. How disgusting of a human being I used to be.
Seth takes a few blinks, "Thirteen."
Of course, I was shocked by the information. Thirteen. He was fucking thirteen. I reincarnated here less than a year ago, and I wanted to pull my hair out.
"Why now?" I asked. "Why didn't you come to me earlier?" There's something wrong with me today. I'm not as violent.
"Because you didn't arrive until now," he responded. "Where's the point in talking with someone who doesn't know anything."
"How did you know I'll even come back?"
Seth's eyes twitched, "I don't."
"And what would you do if I don't?"
He shrugs, "Continue living, I guess."
There's more than one reason why I avoid Seth Carillo.
The first is simple. He's a reminder, an obvious representation of my true self. The selfish side of me that I strongly despise.
And then, there's the second reason.
Seth Carillo knows much more than I do in the future.
The longer I stayed here, the more curious I got. What happened to Elijah Wood? What happened to Winnie Liu? What happened to those I pushed away? What happened when I left?
And it scared me.
It terrifies me to know that the answer is staring me in the eye.
I'm afraid of the reality, of how no one missed me when I was gone.
Seth crunches his hands together so firmly that the vein appears. His molars ground against one another and steadily, his lips parted, but nothing came out. "You know how I said I'm also from the future?"
I nod, "Yeah."
Seth closed his eyes, and with each ticking second, the intensity only increased. There's the sound of the engine in the distance, coming closer and closer until it halts. Someone is home. "There's something important I didn't tell you."
"What is it?"
"In my future-" he said. "In my future, you're not dead."
The straw dropped from my lips.
"In my future, after the car accident, you didn't die. You were alive, Ava."
And the drink spilled on the dead grass.
The normal response would be outrage, wouldn't it?
If only Seth could hear himself and how ridiculous he sounds. How can he say that I survived after my car accident when it's apparent that I died and went back in time? It's simply not possible.
Then again, traveling back in time seems impossible...ridiculous.
"How did you know?" I asked.
I don't see it.
Before all of this, Seth and I were on extremely bad terms. There's no way he would attend my funeral and-
My nails dug so deeply into the case of the phone that I wouldn't be surprised if it shattered the glass. "How did you know I died because of a car accident?"
This is ridiculous. He's playing me. Even if Seth didn't attend my funeral, he might have found out about my death by other means - social media. People attend not because of their affection towards me but rather for their benefit.
"Because-" he swallowed, "Because...Because I was the one who hit you."
"Ava?" Our eyes flicker toward the voice. Trevon dropped the grocery bag, "What does Seth mean by...him...running you-" The words seemingly drift into the air.
We didn't know how it happened, but we found ourselves inside the living room of the house. Trevon was on one side of the couch while I was on the other side. Seth settled the three cups of tea down.
How did he know where everything was?
This is my house.
The house he went in a few times.
Calm down, Ava.
He may be observable and saw how Mom took out the cups.
This is all happening so fast that the world feels like it's spinning.
My head raised towards Trevon, "Please tell me that Seth had been coming over without my knowledge."
Steadily, Trevon shook his head. "I was going to ask you the same thing."
Our eyes flicker towards Seth who settled on the chair across the room. He grabs the blue cup and sips on it before he clears his throat. "I was here several times," he said. His fingers tap against the porcelain, "In the future."
Trevon's mouth gap opens and he lifts a finger in the air towards Seth. "You're from the future."
Seth nods, "You knew?"
Trevon turns his shakey finger towards me, "Everything you said was true."
I grabbed my cup and sipped on it. Of course, I knew Trevon didn't believe me. Similar to Dr.Cordova, he pretended to believe my story. Despite his disbelief, I'm grateful that he listens to me. An outlet is better than none at all.
Trevon shrieked like a little girl. "Oh my God!"
Seth and I lowered our cups and stared at him.
"Holy fuck. What did Mina ever see in you?" Seth asks.
Trevon stops shrieking, "Hey. That's rude." He clears his throat, "It's a typical response okay?"
"No. A typical response would be fainting or saying something along the lines of: No way. Screaming like a little girl is not a typical-"
"Stop," Trevon told Seth. "You know I disliked you ever since I met you. I kind of liked you because of Mina's good words, but now I dislike you."
Seth shrugs, "I'm not too fond of you either."
Trevon gasped, "What? You said you're cool with me."
"I say that to everyone."
While they bickered back and forth, my brain was wired to understand what had happened. I am from the future. Seth is from the future too. His existence concluded that I was not dreaming and everything that had happened - did indeed occur.
But, then Seth told me I was alive in his future. How did he know? He was the bastard that ran me over. On purpose or a pure accident? I can't conclude, not yet. Then, I wondered if I was alive in his future. How did I arrive here without any memories of it? How did this all happe-
White wings.
I grunted lowly and pressed hand palms on my head. My body curled inward into its protective state. It hurts.
"Are you okay?" Trevon hovered his hands around me, but he didn't make any physical contact. He's probably thinking I'm some alien with a galactic disease.
"She's trying to remember," Seth said.
"What?" Trevon question.
Seth got off the chair and kneeled in front of me, "Don't remember," he said. "It'll only hurt more."
"What is going on?" Trevon raises his voice, but not too much.
"Whenever I try to remember how I got here," Seth said. "I would get a migraine. It seems to be a way to stop us from remembering how we went back from the future."
"That's some crazy shit," Trevon replied.
I agree.
Once the migraine passes, I exhale deeply and look up. Seth was close, not too much where he was touching me, but enough where I could pick up his sweet breath. He ate something sugary earlier.
Trevon places a hand between us, "She is fragile and heartbroken."
Seth cleared his throat and stood up before he fidgets his way back into the chair. "So-" he ignored Trevon's comment, "yeah. When I try to remember who or what brought me here. I get a really bad headache too. I recommend that you don't try too hard."
"Or else what?" I ask.
"The hospital," he said. "Several years back I tried to remember what happened, but I ended up with a nosebleed and got hospitalized for a few days. The doctor said my brain was bleeding and it went out of my nose. I stopped trying to remember and then it's gone. They couldn't find out the reason why, but I concluded it was because I tried to remember something I shouldn't."
"Rewind," I said. Although, it's a good thing to know that I'll get a headache if I try to remember who put me in this position. "You said you came into this house several times in the future? Why?"
Seth felt the need to move almost without end as if his limbs were having a seizure. He fidgets back and forth in that single chair. I can only imagine what is swirling through his head. Perhaps, he regretted bringing up the topic of running me over, or there is a possibility that he is trapped in the cage he built. Maybe, he has a different agenda, and the constant doubt of why I am still alive in the future I don't remember is ruining his plans.
There are so many thoughts racing inside my head, that I couldn't align anything. I should stop thinking.
Breathe.
Inhale.
Exhale.
But I couldn't. This is it. This was the reason why I didn't want to open the box. Once it's open, there's no closing it. Now the curiosity will forever imprint itself inside my head, and I desire to understand everything.
It was foolish of me to allow him to tempt me during my weakened state.
Is this me?
Will I always be a slave to love?
Why is it that it's still not enough?
Everything should be enough right now, but it isn't.
I don't wholly desire romantic love, but at the same time, I crave it.
Old habits...die hard.
In the end, I didn't solve anything. I merely transfer the problem from one person to another. Now, more doubts arise.
Elijah.
I hate it.
I despise this part of me.
I want to love every part of me, but why can't I do it?
Why can't I accept it?
Luke.
No.
Seth noticed my constant eyes flickering towards my cell phone, but I couldn't help myself. He cleared his throat, "After the car accident-" and then the story began.