I followed Jake close as he lead us out into the hallway, quietly shutting the door behind us. I could only imagine how he was feeling during all of this. I didn't have any siblings, but to him, Josh was practically one of his limbs. I couldn't even think about the idea of one of them ever losing each other, and I prayed I never had to.
"How are you doing?" He finally asked, gently running his fingers through my hair. I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him in closer.
"I'm okay now." I sighed. I stared back up at him, just barely able to keep my eyes open.
"If you want, I can take you home. You've had a long day." He said, giggling to himself. I couldn't help but smile, feeling my cheeks burn.
"Actually, I.. I think I want to stay here." I muttered. "One of the nurses said that one person could stay with him overnight, and.. I'd just feel better.. knowing he wasn't alone." His face dropped, staying quiet. I reached over for his hand, gently squeezing it until he gave me a subtle smile, no doubt forced to keep me calm.
"Okay." He finally sighed. "But.. can you maybe.. sleep in one of the chairs next time?" He joked, playfully nudging me. But I could tell it was anything but a joke. I hesitated for a moment, picking my words carefully, knowing that for us, moments like these were like walking on thin ice; one wrong move and we both plunged into the ice-cold brunt of another argument.
And the last thing I wanted to do tonight was fight with him.
"He asked me to." I finally said, feeling my heart beat faster. He bit down on his lip, giving me a nod of acknowledgment. I could tell he was picking his words carefully too. I appreciated it.
Maybe we really were making progress.
"He could've asked you to do a lot of things, Jaime. It doesn't mean you have to sleep with him." He muttered. My stomach dropped, an anger now building inside of me that I hadn't felt in months. I had forgotten just how easily he could get under my skin.
"I didn't sleep with him, Jake. I slept with you, which.. I'd really appreciate if you didn't mention." His face instantly dropped, now pulling his hand out of mine.
"Why not?" He asked, his voice much lower, colder than I was used to. "You don't want your boyfriend finding out you were screwing someone else?"
"Jake, stop." I snapped, my whole body feeling hot. I could feel the tears coming to my eyes, but I did my best to keep them in.
"Are you ever gonna tell him? Or am I just some-"
"Maybe. I don't know." I admitted, pulling him further away from the door. "But do you really think now is the best time for this? Look at him. He could've died. And that's really want you want to talk about?" He sighed, now looking away, tightly crossing his arms against his chest as he leaned up against the wall.
I could tell this wasn't what this was really about. He was upset, and I understood. This was a lot for anyone, and the least I could do was be sensitive towards that. We had all been through a lot, and I just needed him to know that he could always talk to me about anything.
And fighting with him wasn't going to help that.
"Jake, what's really going on?" I asked, gently reaching out for him. I felt his body relax, taking my hand again and pulling me in closer. I wrapped my arms around him, leaning my head against his chest, listening to the gentle beating of his heart. He was quiet for a moment, holding me tight as his hand slowly ventured into my hair, gently massaging my head.
I always felt so safe in his arms, knowing that no matter where or what we were, he would always protect me, making it that much easier to love him.
"I just hate not knowing what we are." He finally admitted. "I hate the idea of sneaking around and just.. not being taken seriously, when all I want is for us to be.. serious. I know you know how I was in the past, but I just need you to know that.. I'm not that guy anymore. And.. I never will be. Not since you, not since I've learned how beautiful something like this could be, so.. I just need you to know that.. what happened today, I.. I don't take that lightly anymore, and with you it's-" I cut him off, pulling him into a gentle kiss.
"What happened before, that meant a lot to me. I don't want you to think that it doesn't. I just.. I need to be here for him right now, but that doesn't mean that you mean any less to me, okay?" He nodded, giving me a gentle smile, reaching up, gently caressing my face again. I leaned further into him as he pulled me into another gentle kiss.
"But.."
"But?" He asked, his eyes now concerned. I felt my heart start to beat faster, wondering if this was something I should even bring up. But the idea of not bringing it up felt worse, and I didn't want to keep anything from him, not now when everything finally seemed to be working between us.
Honesty was the best policy, right?
"Josh said that.. he felt like he made a mistake." I muttered.
"W-what do you mean?"
"He.. he said that.. he wanted to get back together. That.. he didn't mean what he said, and that he just wanted us to be us again."
"And.. what did you say to that?" He asked, his thumb now gently brushing across my cheek. How easy it was to get lost in those eyes, and sometimes I felt like he knew it, especially at times like these.
"I.. I really didn't say anything."
"Is that what you want?" I shrugged.
"He left me." I muttered. "I.. I don't know."
"Jaime, you know that.. no matter what happens, I would never leave you." I bit down on my lip, holding my stare on him before eventually nodding.
"I know." I said softly, turning away to avoid his eyes, but he gently tilted my chin back up to face him before leaning into a long, deep kiss.
And in that kiss I felt so much of what had been missing from the past few months. I felt everything I wasn't sure about, everything that scared me, but more importantly, everything I craved from him that I wasn't sure was there, and without it, there was no hope for us.
But maybe this time, things really were different; I had always been terrified of the idea that I could never be enough for him, but now.. that fear melted away into a comforting sea whose gentle waves would wash me up onto a shore that I could finally call home.
I reached up, tangling my fingers in his hair, kissing him back harder, my mind instantly starting to race with my heart quick to match. How he managed to have this effect on me, even at a time like this was what left me hanging onto something that could indeed be the fairytale I had always dreamt of, but how quickly our dreams can turn to nightmares, and I couldn't handle a world where the mere thought of him left up screaming, crying in the middle of the night.
When he finally moved away, he held his stare on me, those dazed eyes so dark and deep, one wrong move would have me toppling over and drowning in the abysmal shades of gold and brown.
"I don't want to be alone tonight." He whispered. My heart sunk.
"Jake.."
"Please, Jaime."
This wasn't fair.
And it wasn't his fault.
I wouldn't want to be alone either.
But I couldn't leave Josh here by himself.
"Jake.." I sighed, my head and my heart now furiously at battle.
"Please.." He leaned into another kiss, his hands carefully moving down to my neck, leaving me with a overwhelming desire that only he was capable of, and how badly I wanted to feel that again.
"Okay."