ELYSE's POV
Denial.
They say there are 5 stages of grief. The first one being, denial. Though I think my brain just skipped that part. I've been in denial for months now, yet nothing could've prepared me for the impact of the real deal.
I wasn't in denial, I was in torment.
I haven't spoken a word. Not a single word to single being. I haven't been able to. I only sat in silence, staring at the ground. It was like my body restricted me from feeling or doing anything. It was weird, though. How I could feel everything and nothing in the same time.
FLASHBACK
"You know the hospital gifted me a bunch of flowers when you were on the podium?" She shared with me and I laughed in disbelief.
"Really?"
"Yeah! The races were usually at pretty late times and a lot of nurses and doctors would come into my room and watch the race with me. They all cheered you on." She continued, "I'm hoping they continue cheering you on when you win the championship."
I matched her smile, "Do you really think I'll be able to win it this year?"
"I know you can." Her smile started to fade, "Win it for me, yeah?"
She suddenly started coughing and was struggling to breathe. I tried to pat on her back, which managed to calm her down. Her cough was hoarse, as if she had been smoking cigarettes since day one, which I know isn't true since she hasn't smoked a day in life, but still, it was crazy seeing how much a disease could affect a person.
Especially my person.
"I love you, Lyly. Always remember that." Her voice was weaker than before. Her shaky hands reached out to mine and I interlocked my hand with hers.
"I love you more, Mama. Why are you talking like this?" I felt her weakly squeeze my hand twice.
"Te amo, mi hermosa angel." She closed her eyes before saying, "Nos vemos en el otro lado." (I love you, my beautiful angel. See you on the other side.)
Before I could process what she said, the heart monitor shifted from continuous beeps to one long beep, a single line appearing instead of many wavelengths.
I screamed.
Her hand's grip loosened and I was holding on as if that was going to change what was truly going on. I wished I had superpowers, to bring her back. Get her heart beating again. This wasn't the end, it couldn't be.
Nurses flooded the room, yelling things I didn't understand. I was bawling, the nurses separated me from my mom while they worked on her. I was about to fall to my knees when someone caught me, I didn't look who it was, I simply cried and went ballistic.
This couldn't be happening. It can't.
I kept shaking my head as if this was some nightmare I'll wake up from and I'll move on.
The doctor speaking confirmed my fears and I was sure it wasn't just a 'bad dream' like I was telling myself, "Time of death, 18:05."
END OF FLASHBACK
Many drivers had flown here as soon as they heard the news. I didn't have the energy to deal with everything and everyone. I was still in shock.
People tried talking to me, but not a single muscle moved. It was like I was stuck in time. Replaying the moment over and over in my head. I couldn't get rid of it. I felt her die. I could feel how her heartbeat deteriorated. I could feel her stop breathing. It was as if I was dying with her. But instead, I was still stuck here. Alone, without her.
In my mind, she was in a locked room while I kept banging on the door in hopes of it opening and reuniting with her. However, now, the keys were lost, so I had no way of entering.
I ran out of tears by the second hour of her death. I watched as they covered her with a white blanket, escorting her lifeless body out of the room.
Thanks to Carlos and his mom, who arrived a few hours after she was pronounced dead, they took care of signing all the paperwork that was required. I felt immense guilt for not comforting the two of them, knowing how hard this was on them too. But I couldn't even stand up, let alone talk.
The day after, Lewis and a couple of other drivers started talking about organizing the funeral, I appreciated how they were so helpful and supportive throughout all this, hell they were even sacrificing their training time when the next race was a weekend away. Yet, simply talking about the funeral made it all feel so real. It would mean she really is gone and that once again it wasn't all just a dream. A very very bad dream.
Maybe it all really was something my brain made up considering I've been awake for 72 hours. Maybe, just maybe, my mom was still peacefully sleeping in her hospital bed and it was all false news. A prank, even. A silly prank I'll be fuming at now but would be laughing about it in the future.
But no.
That wasn't the case. Especially not after they confirmed the funeral date.
"We'll gather on the 9th of September to mourn the loss of Talia Gomez."
It was one day before we had to go to Monza for the race weekend. I was seriously thinking about letting George Russell take my place, but I decided against it. She would've wanted me to race. For her.
So, on the 9th of September, despite how formidable it was to get out of bed, I got up and dressed in all black. A few tears actually slipped and I somehow felt relief to be able to cry again. I even broke down for half an hour before going out and getting in the car with Carlos and his family.
We arrived to the cemetery, which was rather beautiful and decorated with the most beautiful flowers and greenery. The beauty of the nature around resembled my mother so perfectly which was why this place was chosen for her.
Carlos, Lewis, Max, Daniel, Lando, and Charles had the honors of carrying her coffin. I've never seen any of them so emotional before. So raw and pained. The priest started his eulogy.
I was brought on to have a speech even though I didn't prepare anything.
"My mom—" My voice broke, "My mom was an angel sent from heaven. She blessed us all with smiles and memories I know I'll never be able to forget." I took a deep breath in and was contemplating whether I should continue or not but after seeing Max's encouraging look, I pushed myself to continue, "Talia Gomez wasn't just my mother, she was my sister and best-friend forever. Sorry, Lewis." A couple laughs sounded but quickly died down, "Loosing her is the worst pain I've ever experienced. I can't help but sulk and cry each time my brain reminds me of the nightmare of I've been living in the past few days. But I keep remembering. I keep remembering how she always managed to make everyone smile even if it was the worst day on earth and then I ask myself why can't I do that too? She would want that, right?" Multiple people nodded their heads, "She was smiling even when she knew she was dying. During her last moments, she was smiling. And she wasn't faking it, she learned to look for the good in the bad and I hope one day, I'll be like her and be able to make her proud." The faint smile that managed to appear on my face vanished the moment I spotted my father at the back of the crowd, "So, Mama, if you're listening to me, I hope you know that I love you to the moon and back. Thank you for being the best parent, friend and mentor I could ever ask for. You showed me what being loved actually is like. I hope you're in a better place, looking over me, looking over all of us with a proud smile because you will be missed. So much. May you rest in peace, see you on the other side."
Many people were either in tears or clapping. I couldn't help myself when I saw Carlos absolutely break down into tears. I rushed to embrace him as his whole body shook with emotion as he sobbed in my arms, I tried to be strong for him but I couldn't help but break down with him.
Eventually we managed to somewhat gather ourselves and the rest of the funeral continued with some people going up to say their speeches which were never completed since they would choke up midway and excuse themselves. I don't know how I managed to stay during my speech.
When I thought the speeches ended, non-other than Marco Garcia had the audacity to get behind the lectern. Lewis wrapped his arms around me once he noticed what was going on.
"I know I'm not very welcomed here considering my past with Talia. But I've came here to say how much I regret everything I've done to her. I won't lie so I'll be as truthful as possible. Talia was my first love, I loved her so dearly and knew she would be the woman of my children and my wife. It was hard to not to fall in love with Talia Gomez. She was the girl every guy dreams of. Sweet, caring, funny, strong and beautiful. And it happened, I was blessed with a beautiful, talented daughter and was married to the love of my life. What more could I possibly ask for? I admit, I was dumb. I made plenty of mistakes and bad decisions and I know I'm not a saint, unlike her. But one thing to lead to another and I lost her." His voice was so fragile, nothing like I've ever heard before. I wanted to believe what he was saying so badly. It felt like he was saying the truth, but then again my father has always been a mastermind of manipulation. "No matter how many times I've told myself to move on since I knew I screwed up, my heart goes around in circles and still comes back to her. There will never be a Talia Gomez in my life again. And I have to live with the guilt and play the game of what could have been for the rest of my life. But I wanted, for one last time, to make amends and apologize. Hopefully, if you're listening to me, Talia, you forgive me for not being the husband you deserved. Rest in peace, cariño."
A few people cheered and applauded him as he stepped off the stage and joined the crowd. I pushed my way past the crowd to approach him.
"Hey, Elyse. How are you holding up?" He asked me.
"How does it look?" I deadpanned. I was pretty sure I looked like a dead mummy but with skin and a tan.
"Sorry, dumb question." He raised his hands in defense. We had to be quiet since the priest was talking. "What did you think of the speech?" He had a proud smile on his face.
"I'm baffled you had the audacity to come here. I don't believe a word you said because if you really did care about her and 'still love her' you wouldn't have waited till she was dead to come here and 'apologize'. So, dad, I hated your lame and pathetic meaningless speech and I hope you continue to live in guilt for the rest of your life."
His smile disappeared and was replaced with a fuming expression. Gotcha. "You have no right to speak to your father like that—"
"Blah blah blah, I don't care anymore." I sighed and gave him my back as I started walking back to where Lewis, Carlos and Max were until my wrists were firmly held in place by him.
"That's it, you're coming with me. You've wasted enough of everyone's time, you have a race to attend." He started pulling me with him and I scoffed in disbelief before shoving my wrists out of his grasp.
"You never change, do you?! How the fuck is me attending my dead mother's funeral wasting time!?" I exclaimed and people started staring at us, "God, I wish you were the one who died and not her."
Gasps echoed through the crowd, Lando and Daniel quickly distracted the crowd as Lewis, Carlos and Max rushed to where we were.
"What kind of daughter—" He started yelling but was interrupted by a slap on his face by my aunt.
"Leave. I never want to see your face again." She pointed at the exit, "You hurt my sister and I didn't do anything. But now, you're hurting my niece and I won't stand by it. So, leave!"
Like a dog obeying orders, he scrammed out of the place. The many eyes looking at us instantly filled me with so much humiliation. I was so thankful the guest list only consisted of drivers and my mom's close friends— most of which who knew about the truth of my father. But still, I hated myself for causing a scene at my mother's funeral. I, once again, allowed my father to ruin something for me.
"Oh God, I'm so sorry, everyone." My voice cracked as I apologized, "Give me a moment, I'm sorry." I ran to the building next to the cemetery and locked myself in one of the bathroom stalls. Sobs escaped me and when I tried to stop myself, they'd only get deeper and made it harder to breathe.
The door of the bathroom opened and it was Max knocking in my stall, considering it was the only closed one in the empty bathroom.
"Elyse, I need you to open the door please." He knocked. I could see the tip of his shoes sticking out from under the door.
"No." I managed to get out before wheezing, it was getting harder and harder to catch my breath.
"Please, Ly. You're having a panic attack. Let me help you." He pleaded with me.
After a few moments of trying to collect myself, I was unsuccessful so I gave in an unlocked the door for Max.
He instantly dropped to his knees to match my level as I sat on the closed toilet seat. He clasped my hands in his.
"Look at me." He snapped his fingers in front of me and I shifted my focus on him. "Let's do what we did last time, yeah? Can you do that for me?"
I shakily nodded as my chest rapidly heaved up and down.
"Take one deep breath." He inhaled deeply, waiting for me to copy him. I tried to, but my breath staggered and I couldn't.
"I can't." I shook my head as a tear slipped my eyes. He was quick to wipe it away.
"You can." He disagreed, "Do it with me."
We repeated the steps again but still, it wasn't enough to calm me down.
"Let's play a little game, alright?" He continued, "What are three things you could see?"
"You, your eyes, and your crooked tie." I named.
He chuckled softly but continued anyway, "What are three things you could feel?"
"Your hands, my clothes and—" I tried to think, "I don't know." I started to panic once more, this time for not completely answering his question.
"Shh, calm down. You're doing fine." He soothed me. "Here." He reached out to give me a kiss on my forehead. "Now what else did you feel?"
"Your lips." I told him.
"What are three things you could smell?"
"Your perfume, soap detergent and...poop." I accidentally let out a laugh as I said the last thing. Max laughed freely, making me laugh as well and in the process, calming me down.
"Thank you so much. And I'm so sorry."
"For what?" He asked as if it was no big deal.
"Well, for starters, getting your pants dirty." I pointed out as his knees were on the floor and who knows if it was clean or not, "And for putting you through my shit and causing a scene."
"Are you kidding, Ly?" He looked at me like I just said the most absurd shit ever, "You did not cause a scene. It's your mother's funeral and your dad was being an asshole, you're allowed to be emotional. Nobody is going to judge you for that. If anything, it looked like people wanted him dead when he was up, speaking on that stage. And I wouldn't mind helping you through your attacks, even if it was everyday— I'll still be here for you." He got up.
"Thank you so much, Max. Really, thank you." I hugged him. I was so thankful he was by my side, as corny as that sounds.
I rejoined the crowd and everyone acted like nothing ever happened which I was beyond grateful for and before I knew it, it was time for burying her.
This was saying goodbye for once and for all. And I didn't like that. Not one bit.
My mood had changed significantly after Max's help but after they announced it was time for the burial, I dreaded every step I took and wanted nothing more than to jump in with her. At least when she was up here, I still had her somehow, but down there, it was the end.
No amount of vindications I create will change the living truth.
So, I shed my last tears as I watched her coffin go down, dirt covering it completely. She was gone, and nothing I do could change that.
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i have so many therapy bills to pay now, sorry not sorry tehe (i'm crying too) but i hope my frequent updates make up for ur pain🤗!