The awkwardness about talking to Martha begun to reduce gradually until it'd fizzled out as Emma, Martha, her father, the twins and a pilot sat in the helicopter, heading for her father's ranch. The woman was pleasant and easy to talk to, and her eyes glowed with a poignant optimism that you couldn't help but take a dive into.
When Martha asked her about her life since her mother's death, Emma hesitated, but as soon as she begun to speak, she looked into Martha's eyes, and the look of genuine concern and curiosity she saw in them made her open up much more quicker than she could've anticipated.
“I can just imagine all that you went through. It must have been hard.” Martha took her hands as she said it, and Emma could see that she meant it. “I guess these past four years have served you well, hasn't it? With your husband and your daughter.”
Emma smiled as she thought of the joy George had brought into her life, and the compounding of that joy when their daughter had been born. It was Martha's voice which pulled her from her reverie.
“Your father. He truly regrets everything he did to you and your mother, you know. And I know he wishes he can turn back the hands of time.” Hurt flashed in the woman's eyes, and without asking, Emma knew the reason for it.
Her father wishing he could reverse time made it seemed like he regretted the present, regretted the life they'd shared together, their children. She squeezed Martha's hand, not knowing what to say.
Martha went on, glancing briefly at her father sitting at the front beside the pilot, and her children who were much too engrossed in the games they were playing on their respective tablets.
“We've been married for 10 years now, and yet he still holds onto the past. In the prime of our marriage, he swore that he'd gotten over his past. And yet one look at the portrait and I knew he was lying. He was still very much enraged with your mother, and the anger he refused to let go off, which I knew was born from love, always got in the way of our marriage.”
“There were times he would withdraw without reason, but I said nothing hoping things would change gradually. Then Jack and Jake arrived. It didn't change things much even though he made more efforts to spend time with us. When he returned from New York after going to see you to plead for your forgiveness, he returned devastated. For two days he wouldn't talk to me, and when he finally did, I felt a wedge between us much wider than it'd ever been. I feared I was going to lose my husband and still did until an hour ago.” A tear slid free from her eyes.
“Martha...” Emma whispered, feeling awkward, not knowing the right words to say.
“No need to say anything dear.” Martha smiled sadly, a ray of hope suddenly shining in her eyes. “I only hope that you forgiving him will make things better.”
Emma didn't know why, but she couldn't help but glimpse mirrors of her mother in Martha's personality.
***~***
Emma watched the reactions of all the people her father introduced her to. It varied from surprise to shock, but it was easy to decipher those who knew about her father's past.
The coffee event commenced the next day post their arrival in her father's ranch, and practically the whole town had trooped in, the whole place bustling with excitement. Emma later learned to her relief that the event was sponsored by all the coffee growers in the region and not just her father.
Talks with her father were slightly awkward because despite herself, she was yet to get fully acclimatized to the fact that she'd allowed him back into her life. The day, despite filled with fun, was quite exhausting and the waterbed in the room she'd been given was more than welcome as sleep took her.
The next day, she and her dad taking a stroll through the coffee fields discussed the funny moments in her childhood, cajoling laughter from them both. Until her father gave a deep sigh, his gaze filled with longing.
Knowing that regret would soon follow, Emma held his hand. “Hey, dad. Can we go horse riding? I hope you have horses here.” She knew there were because she'd heard their cries in the night and seen her father's ranchman riding one in the morning.
She felt discomfited whenever that look lingered in his eyes in a way she'd never imagined before she'd decided to let go of the past two days ago. And forgiving her dad had lifted a heavy weight off her shoulders. A weight she hadn't even known she carried.
Her father smiled broadly. “Of course. Just what ranch would this be?”
As they raced through the fields later, the wind rippling through her hair, Emma took advantage of the adrenaline and the vista of nature to clear her mind for the decision she had to make.
The decision of who really owned her heart between Zain and George.
There was Zain. It had been instant attraction when they'd met about 9 years ago, and at the time when her past still held her heart hostage and prevented it from realizing love, the feelings had been quite unwelcome. So she'd rejected him, humiliated him, and did all that she could to get him out of her life
Two years later, when she'd finally decided to try to fight her fears and give a shot at love, she'd met Zain again. She'd been hopeful, only to have her dreams shattered when Zain had revealed he had cancer that could be transmitted sexually and through other undiscovered sources. Zain had decided to cut her out of his life completely.
She thought of all the moments she and Zain had shared from the time they met to the present, and she realized that she'd never experienced true happiness with Zain in all those times. Of course there'd been mirrors and glimmers of it, but it'd never honed into the full blown sun of fulfilment like what she felt with her husband.
And then there was George, the man she'd met at a time when she'd still been broken by her separation with Zain. He'd been there for her, and with him, there'd been nothing to fear, to hold her back from loving him when she realized her feelings for him. She'd had the best moments of her life with him and their daughter in the four years they'd been married,
She'd wanted nothing more than to continue living in the utopia of a marriage they'd had until Zain had returned, presenting the visuals of another future; a future with him. But a future with him held no promises except for the dark gloom of uncertainty, and she strongly felt she could live without it.
It was George she wanted to wake up next to every morning for the rest of her life. It was George without whom the future would be unbearable. It was he she wanted to have a forever with.
Suddenly, reality came with a clarity that stunned her; she didn't love Zain. Whatever she'd had for him had paved way for her feelings for George years ago. Whatever she'd been feeling for Zain in the past months must've been the confusion; the kind kindled by the happiness, nostalgia and fear she'd felt at his return.
Zain had fed on that confusion, instigating more doubts, twisting around the reality of her beliefs of her own feelings so that it would suit the reality he wanted to experience. The reality of her still being in love with him.
But now that the confusion had ebbed, she could finally see the name her heart had written in the space where her love's name should be.
That name was George Lancaster.
***~***
Emma sighed as she took a deep breath to calm her nerves, hanging up the call and watching as Zain's BMW approached where she stood on the road some distance from the airport.
He pulled up in front of her, stepping out from the driver's side so he could open the other side for her. Emma held herself from telling him she could've done it on her own as she entered the car. Zain entered seconds later and begun driving off.
"So how was time with your dad and his family." He asked, even though judging from his tone, she knew that was the last thing he was interested in.
"Well, you should've seen them begging me to stay some more days." She leaned her head against the headrest, smiling reminiscently. "I felt so great after forgiving my father Zain. He said he called you to inform you."
She'd wanted to stay a day or two as well, but her return flight had already been booked together with her going flight.
Besides, she'd been much too ravenous to return to right all her wrongs.
"Oh yes, he did. I'm really happy for you guys." Zain said and that was it. An awkward silence settled on them until Zain pulled up at a part of the city which issued a semblance of privacy.
With that, Emma knew there was no time for small talk and that she needed to just go straight to the point. Looking towards him, she saw that he had on a cool exterior, a facade good enough to fool anyone. Except she wasn't anyone and she could just as well sense his real emotions like he was putting them on display; fear, angst, hope.
"So yeah, what did you have for me?" He asked with a smile perfectly orchestrated to look calm. Again she wasn't fooled.
"You know what's been going on in almost three months since your return. I'd been living with these uncertainties that I couldn't let go because you always refused to give up." She sighed and looked towards her fidgeting hands, not wanting to break his heart and yet knowing this was essential.
"Without you nor George anywhere near to stir up other emotions that would've gotten in the way, this trip allowed me to consider my own feelings more clearly. And I've made a decision."
"Okay. Let's hear it." Emma could swear that he shuddered after saying it, but it was so slight that she would've missed it had she not been looking keenly.
She took a deep breath and held his gaze. "My heart belongs to George, Zain. It beats for George. It is George it wants to be with. It is George I want to be with. It is..."
Pain flashed through his eyes, so deep, so searing it made her heart squeeze and she lost trail of her words. Yet there was something about that pain. Something so resigned that Emma realized that despite how much he'd insisted that he could feel her love for him, Zain had known that that wasn't the case.
"I'm sorry Zain. The two of us shared something great together, but our own flaws didn't make them work. And my love for you ended when I met George and fell in love with him. I've never stopped loving George, and that love is strong."
After all the despair, the struggles, the internal battles, and the reality of what she believed in clashing with the false reality Zain had tried to embed in her consciousness and heart, her love for George had prevailed.
Zain rested his head on the headrest, looking painfully resigned. "Fine. I made a promise to accept your decision and I'm going to honour it. But have you decided whether you will tell George about us? The truth?"
"I won't be able to live with him if I don't. He deserves to know." She replied, feeling a sudden streak of terror through her, making her suck in air as a result.
"You know he could decide not to forgive you, right?" Zain asked as he took her hand in his, hope lighting his eyes. "Just know that I'll still be there, waiting."
She could see how much all this was breaking his heart, could sense the simmering pain beneath the surface of his controlled resignation, but there was no other way around the reality.
And the reality was that she didn't love him. Call everything he'd stirred up in her with his return anything you want, but it definitely wasn't love. George was the one she loved, and even if he decided to not forgive her lies and divorced her, she would never go back to Zain.
Otherwise, it would be like a child forced to select another play toy because she'd lost her favourite one. Zain would be just an option she would never prioritize, and that would be unfair.
Meeting his gaze, she said peremptorily so that it left no room for doubts in his head. "I'm sorry Zain, but even if George leaves me, I'll never come back to you because I simply don't love you." She added on an uncertain, second thought. "But we can still be friends. We don't need to lose contact because of this. You know, you and I have quite an experience together."
Right now it wasn't a question about whether or not they would work as lovers. It was about the certainty she had that they never would. Her experiences with him, sad and emotionally wringing as most of them had been, had been worthwhile, and he would hold a special place in her heart forever.
Taking in a deep breath, Zain closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them, the tears that shimmered in their chocolate depths made her heart constrict. "No, we can't be friends. Not now. I. . . I just need time to. . . you know. . . heal and move on with my life." He was doing a terrible job holding on to his control.
Understanding him perfectly, she nodded, for she too saw that it was for the best. "I get it."
Zain smiled sadly, the smile so wide it was painful to watch. "So I guess this is goodbye."
"Yes." She took off her seat belt. "Uhm I'll just take a taxi, so I'll be going."
Not wanting to compound the awkwardness, she opened the door and made to get out, but Zain held her hand, stopping her. She turned to face him, wondering what he wanted. His eyes looked pleading.
"Before you leave, can I... can I at least. . . kiss you goodbye?"
"Zain I don't think that the..."
"Please." He said, his voice so hoarsely low it pulled at her heartstrings, spiralling her words into nothingness.
Scooting close to him, she met his lips in a kiss. There wasn't much to be felt except the kiss was brief, ephemeral and farewell, yet she felt patches of his tears as he finally let them out.
Pulling back, she cupped his face and looked into his eyes, wiping his tears with her thumb. "Goodbye, Zain."
As she opened the door and finally stepped out, she felt a heavy sense of deja vu, causing her to recall the episode from 5 years ago where she and Zain had separated. At that time walking away after he'd kissed her, Zain had been so sure that that kiss was going to be the last. Except, today, it was she who burned with a certainty that this was their last kiss.
Now it was time to fight for her family.