Chapter 58
Mico's POV
"Bro, how are you holding up?" Bryle asked. He sat beside me. We're both sitting under this huge tree, looking at the sky. How gay is this? Like seriously?
"How am I holding up? I don't really know. Honestly."
"Life's a bitch, right?" I looked at him. He looked like he already cried. Yeah. Not everything's about me.
"How about you dude? How are you holding up?" He sighed a very deep sigh. I did the same thing.
"Can't imagine life without Gutierrez. I really can't." He just said those words, and it cut so deep. It's like losing a brother.
"Dude, don't say that. He's gonna survive." He stared at me.
"As much as I want to believe that, I don't want to hope. I'm always the voice of reason in this group. As much as I want to think that he'll survive, I'm afraid that I might get disappointed and get hurt big time."
Yeah. This dude thinks that less expectation means less pain.
"Loyola, can you imagine... Next year, we're in this same place, and Gutierrez is not around anymore? Like imagine both of us, only the two of us... tayo na lang ang magkasama tulad ngayon? Dude, it's gonna feel empty." He sighed.
Bryle is not the type of guy who cries and say cheesy things (except to girls) but... Oh fck. I can't deal with this.
"Shut up. He will survive." I said with conviction... hoping that it will make me believe that he will. That it will make God believe that Enzo will. Please.
"What?! Are you seriously-What if he doesn't huh?! He can die anytime soon. Haven't you heard what the doctor just explained?! That ARVD-"
"HAS NO CURE?! Yeah. Fuck that stupid ARVD. I mean people with cancer survives, why can't Gutierrez?!"
"I'm just saying that-"
"WELL THEN STOP IT! He needs us, okay? I know very well that he might not survive. Fuck yes I know that he can die anytime soon. He can even have an attack right now as we are talking! But he needs us! He needs us to support him. He needs us to believe in him. He is still fighting Ortega. He needs us to be positive for him. Tangina, siya yung may sakit. Alam kong iniisip niya mamamatay na siya. Pati ba naman tayo? Ano pang saysay ng pagiging buhay niya kung ganoon? Kung pati tayo naniniwala na hindi niya rin kakayanin? Ano pa?!" He stared at me, loss for words.
"Sorry." He said defeatedly. Again, we sighed.
Then there's silence. Well, we usually don't talk about this stuff. Especially not Gutierrez' life.
"But, Loyola... how is your heart holding up? I mean... with Gutierrez and Love?" Oh yeah, he calls Hope, Love.
"I don't know dude. I mean I love her. So much. I've never even loved a girl before, and I don't think I ever will. But, he needs her and she has been praying for him ever since the day she met him. Saan pa ako lulugar when everything between them is mutual?" He patted me on the back.
"You know dude, that's what I felt for Venice before. That I sincerely love her, and that I cannot love any woman other than her. Then we broke up. Honestly, she was my greatest love even when I was dating a lot of girls. I didn't think that we'll still be together, but love has its own ways of giving us miracles."
What is he saying? This cheesy guy.
"What I'm saying is... Maybe it's not your time. Love is about timing you know? A lot of people break up because it's not yet the proper time. How do I explain it? Example, this guy love a girl but she doesn't love him back, so the guy moves on and finds another girl. The moment the guy finds the new love of his life, the old girl will realize that she's totally in love with the guy, but that guy has already moved on. Wrong timing. Me and Venice, we were both immature, she has her own priorities and as for me, I only want her. I was too selfish. We broke up because the timing was not right. We were not yet prepared. Now, we both grew up, realized each other's mistakes and now, everything's perfect... Almost. But, yeah, that was my point. That timing is the most important thing in love. And maybe, this isn't your time yet. Are you getting me?" I rolled my eyes at him.
"After that long explanation, don't you think that I will get you?" He punched my arms very lightly and laughed. "But yeah... Timing. But, I'm willing to wait. For her. Even if it takes a lifetime. God, I'm so torn. I want to be with her, but I don't want him to go. It's like contradicting yourself."
"You are in so much trouble." He said while laughing.
"Thanks." I sarcastically replied.
"What are you gonna do about it? You're gonna see them. Together. You know that right?"
"Yeah. I don't know bro." He smiled.
"You know you don't have to do anything, right?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... You love Hope, you love Enzo. Enjoy their company. Every second counts. With him, I mean."
"What if they do all those weird lovey dovey stuff?"
"Then that's when you give yourself a break. That's when you try and give them space. You have to sacrifice. But you don't have to suffer. Face it, in the end... you will be there for Hope. Sa'yo rin siya mauuwi. So, why not let Gutierrez have his own happy ending huh?"
"But that's so... weird."
"It's not weird. It's not unfair. Face it, sa kahit anong sitwasyon masasaktan ka kasi mahal nila ang isa't isa eh. So why not be positive about it? If you really love her, let her go. Besides, if you fight for her will the both of you be happy? Magiging masaya ka ba na kinuha mo si Hope na alam mong gusto niya si Gutierrez? Papayag ba si Hope na iwan si Gutierrez kahit na mahal ka pa niya? What's happening between the three of you is so complicated, but you have to be mature."
"What if you were in my place? What if si Venice si Hope. What if mahal ni Venice si Enzo, and mahal din ni Enzo si Venice but bumalik ka sa buhay ni Venice and now she's confused. What will you do?" He smiled at me and blurted the answer out as if it was very easy for him.
"Kung ako ang nasa pwesto mo, si Gutierrez ang pipiliin ko. Kahit na si Venice yung babae."
"Bull. You're only saying that because it's hypothetical. Di kasi mangyayari sa'yo."
"No bull, dude. That's true. If si Venice ang maguluhan kasi mahal niya si Enzo I will let her go. First, maybe because we grew up. Mature love na yung sa aming dalawa. With Venice, I don't need to be with her 24/7, I don't need to update her with everything I'm doing because I trust her and she trusts me. I don't need to be with her, but I WANT to be with her. Second, I've been friends with Gutierrez longer than I've been a boyfriend to V. It may sound like I'm a hypocrite... but I will do everything, and I tell you, EVERYTHING, for a brother whose last days on Earth can be counted."
He then looked at me seriously. Shit, he's going to preach. But when Ortega preaches, it cuts deep.
"Loyols, what I'm saying is... after a year, or 2 years, or even 10 years nandiyan pa rin si Hope. You will have all your chance in the world to get her, chase her, make her yours. If she's with another guy, better kasi you're competing with that dude na you know is no better than you. Kaya mo siyang agawin kung mahal mo siya. But... Gutierrez. I mean... Fuck."
Tinakpan niya yung mata niya. He started crying. Oh fudge, Ortega never cries.
Shit. Seeing him makes me want to... Ugh, shit.
"I know what you're gonna say..." He said.
"What?" I replied.
"This is gay//This is gay." We both said at the same time, then laughed. He wiped his tears and I did the same. He took a deep breath and continued with what he was saying.
"As I was saying... Loyola, I just want to be realistic. His disease has no cure, and the doctor said na eventually his heart will give up. He said that his heart will. The medicine can only slow the disease down, but it cannot stop it. And Gutierrez knows. He knows. And now I get it. I get it why all his life tayo lang ang kinaibigan niya. I get it why he's so scared to get attached. It's because he knows... he knows, and he's just too scared to leave people behind."
As he was talking, my tears suddenly gave up. I can't hold it anymore. Why am I so weak when it comes to Gutierrez?
"That's why he only plays chess kahit na pilitin natin siyang magbasketball or magfootball. I remember, we always bully him saying he's gay because he doesn't want to play basketball or football. Now I know. It's not that he doesn't WANT it, it's because he just CAN'T. Pero alam mo, 2nd year high school, I saw him sa likod ng gym dribbling a ball. Remember sa school, kapag may fun run lagi niyang iiexcuse sa atin na darating mom niya, or aalis sila etc. Pero hindi pala siya pwedeng tumakbo. I remember that one time when you bullied this guy, and you scared the shit out of him then he peed on his pants. We were almost crying sa kakatawa, but Gutierrez... he just stood there and smiled. Why?! Because he can't laugh too much! Pati pagtawa ng sobra sobra hindi siya pwede?! Ang daming pinagdamot sa kanya sa buhay niya. He can't even play a ball, for crying out loud. He can't run too much. He can't be tired. He can't laugh too loudly. All his life, he was so restrained kasi one wrong move and it might cause him his life. And who are we to not give him everything now, Loyola? Ang damot naman natin para ipagdamot pa sakanya yung mga... mga huling bagay na hinihiling niya. And as the leader of Tres Gwapitos, I won't let that happen."
See. His speech cut deep, and it made me see some sense out of this world. All of what he said was true. All of Gutierrez' life was so controlled and restricted. Hindi naibigay sa kanya ang lahat kahit na gusto niya. At sino ba nga naman kami para magdamot?
"What I'm saying is... You can have Hope. Pwede mo siyang kunin, pwede mo siyang habulin, pwede mo siyang ipaglaban. 10 years or 20 years from now, who knows sa'yo rin siya babagsak kung mahal mo talaga siya. Pwede kayong magkaroon ng second chance, third chance puta kahit ilang chance sa mundong 'to kasi nandiyan lang kayo. Pero sa ngayon... Loyola, kailangan tayo ni Gutierrez. Let's not think only of ourselves. Let's give back. Please."
I was just staring at him. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko.
"Hindi ko sinasabing maawa tayo sa kanya, hindi ko sinasabing gawin natin lahat 'to kasi may sakit siya at agrabyado siya. I'm saying all of these because he's our brother and we are THE Tres Gwapitos. We are not that for nothing. Our brotherhood is beyond all material things combined. And what's at stake here is our brother's life. We only have one shot, Loyola. Kapag nawala si Gutierrez... wala na tayong chance bumawi sa kanya. Wala na tayong... Wala na tayong. Oh fuck."
And there goes the tears again.
"Dude, kapag nawala siya hindi na tayo Tres Gwapitos."
Pagkasabi niyang yun napahawak ako sa puno malapit sa akin para sa suporta. Tangina. Wala ng Tres Gwapitos.
"Kapag nawala siya hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang... hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang bumuo ng grupo. Kasi, kapag nawala siya walang papalit sa kanya. Hindi ako mageentertain ng bagong lalaki para mabuo lang tayo na tatlo kasi hindi... wala ng sense ang Tres Gwapitos kung wala si Gutierrez."
Napatitig siya sa akin tapos hinawakan ang balikat ko sabay ngiti.
"Gutierrez. Ortega. Loyola. GOL. Friendship GOLs tayo."
Badtrip.
"Alam mo Ortega, magpick up lines ka na lang sa mga babae mo kasi hindi papasa yang mga corny mong jokes sakin umayos ka nga."
Tumawa lang siya ng tumawa. Habang pinapanood ko siya natawa na rin ako. Tapos sa sobrang pagtawa namin parehas kaming natigilan. Tumingin siya sa akin at alam ko ang tingin na yun. Parehas kaming tumigil sa pagtawa kasi naalala namin si Gutierrez. Na pati pagtawa pinagkait sa kanya.
I'm sorry, Gutierrez.
Sorry kasi wala akong nagawa to make your life feel better before.
Pero okay lang kasi ngayon may magagawa ako.
Sana magawa ko.
Because I've decided to let her go. And I'm not bitter, or hurt or anything because I just want the both of you to be happy. Then maybe I'll be happy. Or I won't. But who cares? I've got my whole life to be happy.
Si Gutierrez ngayon na lang.
xx
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