"Deku?"
A soft sweet voice calls to me from the hall, one all too familiar. Of course Ururaka would want to check up on me, how could I be so stupid, she's one of my best friends!
No.
No, she doesn't care. No one cares about a useless deku like me. She probably just pities me. That's why she's here. She feels bad and checking on me is more a moral obligation in her mind than it is a genuine reaction to my absence.
I try to move but I'm still too weak to stand on my own. As I push myself up from the floor I find myself face planting yet again. I feel throbbing pain course through me as my whole body essentially goes limp. I must have made quite the ruckus because that timidly inviting voice immediately turns to one of panic as the door flies open, revealing what I can only assume must be the most pitiful sight: a useless deku lying face down on the floor, limbs sprawled out beneath it, looking more like a crime scene victim than a fearless successor to the legendary symbol of peace. I groan in frustration at my pathetic state... and maybe also in pain, but pain isn't something I'm allowed to feel so I'll just tell my self it's in self loathing, which isn't too far from the truth.
"Deku!" She screams as she runs to my side. Helping lift me from the floor. I can hear a distant crash in the kitchen followed shortly by a flustered Todoroki, a panicked Iida, and a concerned Tsu. Iida and Tsu must have come with her to check on me. I don't know how to feel about all the attention, the noise certainly doesn't help the ceaseless pounding in my head.
"I'm fine! Really I'm fine, just please calm down. All this screaming is making my head hurt"
"Oh! Sorry"
Uraraka gives me a sheepish laugh and an apologetic glance before staring back at the floor in embarrassment and shame.
"It's fine, I'm just..."
Weak?
Worthless?
Fragile?
A poor excuse for a hero?
"A bit worn out from this morning. I should be fine after a bit of rest"
"Speaking of" iida interrupts, "what exactly happened this morning. We were told you were involved in an incident and needed rest"
His tone is accusing like that of a worried mother scolding her reckless son on the importance of safety precautions and rules.
"Leave him alone it wasn't his fault" Todoroki spits back defensively.
"You were there too, so why are you refusing to tell us?" Iida raises his voice in frustration.
"Because that's an invasion of midoriya's privacy. He'll tell you when he's ready, if he decides he wants you to know. It's his life, not yours. Leave. Him. Alone."
"Sorry deku, we were just worried and decided to check up on you. Sensei gave us a free period to go help bakugou with something." Uraraka shrugged.
My chest tightened.
Help bakugou ... he was talking to my mom. Shit! I was in recovery girls office earlier too! They probably saw my scars and now my mom is going to know and she's going to be devastated! Both her and Kacchan still thought I was clean... now what? All Might is going to find out soon enough, so what am I going to do? He's going to take away my quirk and expose me as quirkless and I'll be right back where I started, just another useless deku. Even if he doesn't take One for All, everyone is going to find out about my past! Everyone I care about will hate me again and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I was stupid to think I could ever actually be a hero. Deep down I knew I was delusional but I somehow convinced people to believe in me and now I'm just going to fail them again. Maybe I should just end it. At least that way I don't have to live with the crushing weight of their disappointment. I'm just as useless alive as I am dead, at least if I died I would be out of the way. Kacchan or todoroki would be a much better wielder of one for all anyway. I should just kill myself and leave one for all to someone who actually deserves it. It's wasted on me anyway.
"Midoriya? Are you okay?" Todoroki's voice carries genuine worry, snapping me back to reality. How long was I lost in thought. Everyone is staring at me.
I blink rapidly, trying to shake off the intrusive thoughts that threaten to engulf me. The concern in Todoroki's eyes is unmistakable, mirrored by the expressions of Uraraka, Tsu, and Iida, who have all seemed to notice my sudden withdrawal into myself.
"Deku, what's going on? You seemed lost there for a moment," Uraraka speaks softly, her voice filled with genuine concern. It's as if they could sense the turmoil inside me, even if they couldn't fully grasp its depth.
I swallow hard, feeling a lump forming in my throat. The weight of my thoughts presses heavily on my shoulders, but I can't burden them with the darkness that consumes me. They don't deserve that.
"I... I'm sorry," I stammer, forcing a weak smile. "Just got lost in my own thoughts, you know? But I'm okay, really."
Tsu steps forward, her calming gaze resting lightly on me as she crouches down to my level to meet my eyes, "Midoriya, it's okay to not be okay. *kero* We're always here for you, you don't have to do it all alone."
Iida's frustration has been replaced by an odd mix of concern and understanding. "Midoriya, if something's bothering you, please remember that we're your friends. We want to help, even if we don't know what's going on."
"Thank you," I whisper, my voice barely audible. "Thank you for being here, for caring. I... I don't know what I would do without you."
Uraraka's warm smile widens, and her eyes shimmer with sincerity. "You don't have to thank us, Deku. We're here because we genuinely care about you."
I should feel relieved. I've been waiting to hear those words my entire life, that someone genuinely cares, that it's not just pity. I want to believe them. I want to believe that I could be worthy of love, that I could deserve their kindness. I long to just let myself believe her, but as her words wash over me, a heavy weight settles in the pit of my stomach. Doubt gnaws at my insides, and I force myself back down to the real world. No one could truly care for someone as broken and flawed as me. How could they? I'm just a burden, a constant source of worry and disappointment. People throw around words like "care" and "worry" so loosely. They don't know what promises they're making. If only they knew how much those words could mean to a person... if only I knew how to believe in them.
I used to live everyday praying to whatever deity may listen that someday I would hear those words.
A feeble smile tugs at my lips as I nod. "I know, Uraraka. I'm grateful to have friends like you. It means a lot."
Liar
I'm not lying though. I am grateful for them.
Lies! If you were grateful you wouldn't be this messed up! If you really cared they would be enough to fix you!
But I do care!
No you dont. You're just a heartless monster that doesn't deserve them.
You're dangerous
All you're going to do is hurt them
Leave them out if this
Suffer in silence until they forget you
Then no one will bat an eye when you leave
Not that anyone would care anyway
It's all lies, remember...
Shut up! They're my friends! They would notice if I was gone! Look! They're here aren't they! Isn't that proof enough!
Doesnt that just make you a worse person?
Ugh! Why can't you ever make sense!
Because one way or another we both know im right...
LEAVE THE BOY ALONE
Who and or What the fuck are you?!
Oh shit.
"Midoriya?"
Todoroki calls out to me but it's all drowned out by my thoughts.
There's another voice. A new voice. I mean, it's not the first time it's happened but I've never heard one like that before. Usually the voices are just different variations of me. That voice was distinctly not me. It was different. Like multiple different people speaking with one thunderous voice. The voices don't usually refer to me like that either, what was that? That wasn't another voice. That was something different... someone else is in here. That wasn't me. Someone is in my head. SOMEONE IS IN MY HEAD!
"H-help" I whimper. It's barely above a whisper but comes out all jumbled near unintelligible. My pleas come out as just another silent scream as I gasp for air. Yay! Another panic attack! Lovely!
CALM DOWN CHILD
Not helping
JUST BREATHE KID
WHO ARE YOU?!
"Deku?"
Uraraka calls out to me, concerned but not nearly as alarmed as she would be if she could tell I was having a panic attack... guess over a decade worth of masking my trauma and hiding my pain has finally paid off.
Then I remember it was a question, not a statement, and I'm supposed to respond.
"What?! Oh, sorry Uraraka! I must have zoned out for a second there"
The group gives me a quizzical look, doubting my lie... guess Kacchan was right. I'm a bad liar.
"Midoriya, are you alright?"
Iida asks in a formal yet concerned manner. Like a business man pretending to be your mom but failing horrifically at it.
"Yeah Iida, I'm fine, I swear"
"Are you sure? You look a little pale *kero*"
Tsu was always one of the more observant ones in the group.
"Yeah I'm fine, just a bit tired is all"
Yet another lie.
"Midoriya, are you sure you're ok? You're sparking again"
Todoroki stares at me with wide panicked eyes.
"Sparking?"
I look down and see the faint outline of green lightning bolts surrounding me. The subtle glow of one for all wraps it's self around me and I can feel it's heat against my skin. It burns.
"Oh shit, I guess I am, heh"
At this point I'm shaking and the panic and my mask is starting to slip. I try to speak, to ask for help but when I open my mouth no sound comes out.
"Todoroki! What's happening to Midoriya?"
Iida screams, still formal but now also panicking.
"It's happening again. Iida, I need you to go get Mr.Aizawa! Tell him Midoriya needs him. Tsu, go get recovery girl! Tell her the same."
Todoroki is kinda cute when he takes the lead like this. It's sweet to know he cares and is willing to take charge to help me out. He's amazing, always able to stay calm and rational in any environment. I wish I could be like that.
"Is deku going to be ok? Is there anything I can do to help?"
Uraraka stands there on the verge of tears practically begging to help in some shape or form, wanting nothing more than to fix it.
She hates seeing her friends in pain.
"Yes. You're going to stay here with me so that someone can keep an eye on him while I call Aizawa. Midoriya is going to need both of us to help him through this"
Uraraka gives a determined nod, puffing out her cheeks and in a childlike pose.
"Guys, it's ok"
"I'm fine"
I finally force out through gritted teeth. It's a bold faced lie. I'm not fine. I'm in agonizing pain and the nausea is only getting worse and any second now I'm going to lose control, but I'll be damned if I let them know that. I have to smile. I have to lie and say everything is ok because I am here.
LET THEM HELP YOU CHILD! THEY ONLY WANT WHATS BEST FOR YOU!
No! Not happening! I don't know who you are but I'm not letting you blow my cover so easily!
WE'RE JUST TRYING TO HELP, KID! DONT DO THIS!
Do what? Lie to them? Save them from myself?
DONT SUFFER IN SILENCE LIKE THIS!
You think I asked for this?! You think I asked to be born Quirkless?! To be treated like garbage my entire life?! I'm sorry buddy but old habits die hard, and apparently I die harder since not even you have managed to kill me yet.
Silence.. not a single word.
Yeah! That's right. I know what you are now. Your the thing causing these "quirk malfunctions" aren't you? How hypocritical of you to try to protect me when your sole purpose seems to be to cause me excruciating pain and slowly rip me apart from the inside out! How dare you act like you care! You're just like the rest! Everyone acts like they care but they don't. They say they care, but when you need them they always turn a blind eye to your suffering. They say that you can trust them but you always end up betrayed because who could possibly care for a useless worthless deku!
I wait, lost in my thoughts listening for the presence from before but it refuse to show itself.
Silent now huh? Real mature! At least the other voices respond! Come back here coward!
Silence.
Wow! Speechless? Guess I finally convinced you to give up on me just like everyone else in my life.... Yknow it's funny. You try to kill me, villains try to kill me, even I try to kill me, but I'm still here. What's even the point any more? Why do I try when it always ends the same? Maybe if I stoped trying it would hurt less. Maybe if everyone stoped pretending to care I'd feel better about it. But I guess I can't even do that right huh? I mean look at them. They're here, panicking, trying to help me. I'm such an asshole. I don't deserve them. They would be so much better off without me. Maybe I should just-
STOP!
Welcome back bitch.
WE WONT SIT BACK AND WATCH YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF
Oh yeah?! Watch me.
NO!
"MIDORIYA!!"
Excruciating pain pulses through me and blinds me once more. The world around me is spinning and everything feels fuzzy. There's an untamable energy coursing through my veins, crawling beneath my skin and growing within me crushing me from the inside out. I'm left gasping for air. It eases up for mere seconds, barely long enough for me to scream.
"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"
And just as it had before my vision collapses in on itself and a swirl of red, white, and brown are the last things I see before I fade back into the abyss once more.