She's late, and she wasn't entirely sure why she'd even bothered today; it wasn't a good day, by any means, and she looked not far off the definition of shit, because when Gee Way had faced her reflection in the mirror this morning, she couldn't even imagine calling the person that stared back a 'girl', not even 'someone in a skirt', but today, she felt like little more than a fucked up mess of a dude pretending 'he' could be someone 'he' wasn't.
And Gee had wanted to fall right back to sleep the very instant she'd opened her eyes that morning, but she couldn't, because she had to make sure Mikey got to school okay, and make sure her mum didn't want to kill her too much this morning, and make sure she looked at least vaguely acceptable, and still, after what had felt like hours in the bathroom, she still didn't, and now here she was - out of place, of course she always felt out of place, but today she felt like she had a neon flashing sign strapped to her back that displayed all of her insecurities.
And there was little she could do to escape it.
She considered a trip to the nurse's office, because today, just fuck, she couldn't do it; she simply couldn't: every part of her head was screaming at her - a mess, a mix of different words that didn't make sense at all.
Nothing made sense at all, and she knew that, and she hated it, because there was little else to do.
And fuck, she could hardly breathe, as she felt to the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest as she sat with her locker beside her, and in the empty hallways, as everyone had long gone to their classes, Gee Way started to cry.
She hadn't really allowed herself to cry, not really, for a long time now, and perhaps this meant something, but it was likely that it meant little more than what kind of lie she could concoct for herself, and Gee could do little more than accept that.
Because this was how it was, all the time, she felt like she was drowning, she felt like she was about to fall under, but no one ever noticed, no one ever cared, because no one saw it like she did, and perhaps she didn't want them to, because even then, she still doubted that anyone could ever possibly understand.
"Hey..." And she experienced something close to a heart attack as the space beside her filled, and Gee Way came to realise that she wasn't quite as alone as she had hoped.
She blinked her eyes open: red and raw, and stained from the salt water, because still she could hardly breathe, but the face she saw beside her was everything: the hand pulling her up, even if just briefly, because it was him, it was Frank, Frank not Frankie from the nurses office all those weeks ago now, and perhaps the one person who could possibly ever understand.
"What's wrong?" He asked, watching as she shivered a little, her body continuing to tremble in the silence. "I'm going to skip the 'are you okay?' because I'm pretty sure I can work out the answer to that one myself."
And a prolonged silence as Gee felt herself looking from Frank to the floor, and back again, at least seven times, before the word just fell from her tongue, "everything."
Frank nodded, the corners of his lips twisting up into a smile, "I know. But what's made it worse right now?"
"I don't know." She paused, shaking her head a little, "just today... I just woke up and immediately wanted to fall straight back to sleep: today isn't a good day, it feels like it's just meant to be wrong and broken and fucked up and-"
"It doesn't have to be." Frank met her gaze, "as cheesy as it sounds, today is what you make of it, everything is what you make of it, but I understand, or at least I hope I do, but I can relate at least, and I hope you remember us meeting a few weeks ago in the nurse's office, Gee, because I do... in fact, it's all I can think about... somehow, you mean a lot to me, and I've had little more than a vague attempt at conversation with you."
"It's the trans thing." Gee let out a sigh, "you're Frank not Frankie and I'm Gee not Gerard, and we don't fit and I think seeing that you exist changed an awful lot for me. You're important."
"Your friends stopped me getting my ass beat the other day because of you, apparently - Chantal, Jamia, and Frances."
Gee blushed a little, turning away from Frank as she did so, "yeah, I... I've mentioned you to them... do you want to talk about why you were getting beat up... or is it a... thing... I don't know?"
"It wasn't... it's just... I owe some guy some money for some drugs and he doesn't like that I'm poor as fuck." Frank ended up with the blunt approach, leaving Gee just a little dumbfounded.
"Drugs are gonna kill you someday, you know?"
"Of course, I know, why else the fuck do you think I do them?" Frank paused for a moment, shaking his head, as he got to his feet, "come on, shall we just go?"
"Where?"
"I don't know, somewhere better than here... you understand, don't you?" Frank bit his lip, watching as Gee glanced at her locker and then back at Frank once again.
"I hardly know you."
"I know."
"I want to know you."
"So do I."
And yet more silence.
"What drugs did you owe that guy money for?" Gee paused, thinking it over, because methheads, god, those were not people she wanted to associate with, but Frank... there was just something about him, and she couldn't for the life of her, figure out what.
"Coke, mostly." Frank took a step away, watching and hoping that Gee might follow; she didn't.
"So you're not a methhead then... just a crackhead." And Gee broke into something like a grin at that.
"There's a difference between coke and crack, Gee." Frank shook his head, "you're so innocent."
"Innocent's the wrong word, I promise you that."
"Do you now?"
And a smirk, "I do."
"So not innocent enough to skip school with me and go back to my place and get drunk enough to talk about why you woke up and wanted to kill yourself this morning-"
"I never said I wanted to kill myself." Gee's gaze hit the floor. "I said go back to sleep."
"Oh, fuck, fuck, I...I'm sorry, I've got it wrong... I just... I... I'm relating too much to me... I- we're different, I'm sorry, I just... I want there to be something here; there's something here, I just, maybe there isn't-" And he was babbling, blushing and babbling: words all too fast and all too meaningless and meaningful at the same time.
"Frank?" She interrupted him, her gaze anywhere but his, because it meant all too much, and she wanted to keep it inside, to hide herself away, but she couldn't keep this up forever: she wouldn't let herself. Frank meant something, and that was that.
"Yeah?"
And then the most she'd ever admit to anyone:
"You weren't wrong."
-
Frank's house wasn't much, but Gee didn't exactly have the highest expectations, and that worked for the both of them.
Very little had been said since they'd left school; Gee had said entirely too much in that hallway after all, and she knew that, but she hadn't a clue regarding what to do about it, and just leaving it seemed awkward, because she had tried not to notice, but Frank had looked at her very differently since she'd just about admitted her deepest secret to him.
She wasn't entirely sure why she had done so, perhaps it was just the trans thing, but it wasn't - this was a Frank thing, and Gee didn't quite know what that meant yet, but it most certainly meant something.
And there was no escaping that, not that Gee would even want to.
Frank's room was small: as small as Frank himself, even, with walls littered with posters that seemed to close in on you, and a wardrobe that looked like it was hardly used, with clothes littered around the room and an unmade bed, an open laptop, and last night's dinner on the bedside table.
"Sorry... I... I'm not a neat person." Frank pulled it off with an awkward smile, as he grabbed the plate and shoved it outside, leaving Gee to close it behind him as he made a dive towards his laptop. "I should probably close down all the porn- I'm joking of course, I mean... I... I totally don't watch porn-"
"Most people watch porn, Frank, it's normal." Gee let out a sigh, as she sat down beside Frank on the bed, in a totally platonic manner, because Gee had absolutely no feelings for Frank whatsoever, of course.
"So, do you watch porn?" Frank asked, blushing a little because of the nature of his question, but goddamn now he was curious, and he was totally going to think about this forever.
"Yeah, not often, though, I have a bitchy mum and a younger brother, it's hard to find time..." Gee paused, glancing away, "and then there's the whole... getting off thing... like... I like to think that comfortable with myself, I mean, I look pretty, don't I? I look like a girl, don't I, I... pass? Fuck... I... but that's with clothes on, that's with clothes and make up and... I hate my dick."
"I'll have it if you want." Frank added, and he was just a little too serious. "Is it a good dick?"
"It's not a bad dick..." Gee trailed off, meeting Frank's gaze, "we should just swap bodies you know?"
"I'd be down for that... then maybe I wouldn't be a midget for the first time in my life as well, but you'd be like four foot tall, how do you feel about that?" Frank grinned, leaning into Gee's side a little: getting close, perhaps too close.
"You're not a midget, you're short and cute-"
"Don't." Frank shook his head, sitting up a little, "I don't want to be fucking cute... and short, and feminine... I look... I just look like a lesbian. I look like a fucking dyke and I know I do, because it's not like I don't get told it enough; you look so fucking feminine, you look beautiful, and I'm some sort of mess of hormones and emotions that just don't quite match up."
"You're handsome." Gee corrected herself, leaning back on the bed, "you're hot, you're masculine as fuck, but you can still be cute. Boys can totally be cute. You can be masculine and cute. I think you're both."
"I think you're lying to me to make me feel better about myself." Frank shook his head, as he laid back against the mattress, Gee by his side.
"I'm not."
"If you say so." And silence, as Frank found himself at a loss for what to say, because he wanted to believe her, and why, why the fuck would Gee lie to him? But he just couldn't quite look himself in the eye in the mirror and tell himself that he was masculine, and cute, and a boy, a proper fucking boy, and god, he wanted to, he fucking wished he could, but it was like he was held back, and he just couldn't quite figure out what was stopping him. "When did you... you know, like when and how? Just tell me everything about your gender and yourself, really... we don't know a lot about each other do we, Gee?"
She smiled, meeting his gaze, "we really don't," and then heavy breathing, as Gee found herself to be fourteen again, and shaky and unsure and lost: above all, lost. "I was fourteen, something like two years ago now, and I'd never really felt masculine, and I wanted to be pretty and cute and you know be a girl, and I... that was always a thing, at the back of my mind, but I was scared of it, and that part of me, and I just thought I was being weird, and that I'd grow out of it, but it wasn't like that: it's never like that, and I was trying to cope, trying to just ignore it, but I guess you know how well ignoring it works, and then I had recently joined Tumblr, you see, not for anything gender related: I had originally made a Doctor Who blog, actually, but I saw this post about trans identities, like a information post, and I was like what the fuck is this, well probably like what the heck, because I was an innocent little fourteen year old, but I read it, and I just... it was like everything suddenly made sense, and I was so happy." Gee paused, chancing a glance in Frank's direction, before continuing.
"And then, I..." Gee bit her lip, "you know what happens next, people don't accept it, and it gets fucked up and you start to hate yourself because as soon as you're comfortable in your mind as this girl, as Gee, you don't see that in the mirror, people don't see you as that, you feel like you're just... like your feelings aren't real, and like you're just... I don't know... overreacting? And I... I eventually got over it with the help of some friends on Tumblr, though, and I came out, and that fucking sucked, but I feel more like this is me now than I was two years ago... it's complicated, I know, I'm not making sense, but? How about you?"
"I was fourteen too... it was on Tumblr too, and at first I really did just think I was a lesbian, a really butch tiny lesbian who somehow hated 'her' own boobs... and I was just a 'tomboy' in my mum's eyes when I was younger, because it was just a phase, and I don't know at what point 'tomboy' involves into 'lesbian' because in people's minds, it does, and I... I kind of felt like that was pushed on me... the whole lesbian thing, and I guess it did make some sense, but I... really... I don't identify with femininity, and I... I... sent an anon to this shitty LGBT advice blog, well shitty, it was probably quite good, I don't know, but I was asking about how confused I was, because I felt stuck in this identity that didn't quite define me, and I thought it was the gay thing, so I was researching so many sexualities and I was like why do none of them fucking fit? And the blog responded, bringing something up about me considering being non-binary or trans... and I had heard of those things, I mean, I had a Tumblr, but I hadn't really considered it, and I did some research, and fuck... I... it was so obvious from then on... I am a fucking dude, and my mum was a bit weird about it first, but we're okay now for the most part, and she makes an effort to call me Frank, and of course she slips up, I mean, she's been calling me Frankie or Francesca for like fifteen years, and Frank for a few months, so yeah, but especially lately, she's been really fucking supportive about this... I think she's beginning to understand, you know?"
"I'm jealous of your mum, she sounds like Jesus in comparison to my parents who refuse to acknowledge me and my gender, and it's still Gerard and he to them, and like fuck, my twelve year old brother could grasp it perfectly, but not those educated adults-"
"Adults suck." Frank let out a sigh, "I wonder what my dad would have thought... he didn't die or anything, just left my mum when I was little, it's fine: I haven't seen him since I was six, I barely even think about him anymore, I don't know him - he's just an asshole."
"You have any siblings? My brother, Mikey, he's the best brother in the world, and I will fight you if you disagree." Gee laughed a little, "he's only thirteen but he's... he's so understanding, he's just so nice, he's a fucking sweet kid, he's amazing, I'm so proud of him, and I hate how he has to grow up with these fucking parents who wouldn't accept him if he was anything but straight and cis."
"Only child, or at least I reckon, I mean I could have like seven half-siblings seeing as I don't know where the fuck my dad is anymore, but like I doubt I'll ever meet them... I doubt I want to, though." Frank paused, just sitting there watching Gee for a moment. "Can I ask about your sexuality or is that a personal, or I don't know, difficult thing for you?"
"It's fine." Gee turned to face Frank, the two now laying down on his bed, fucking gazing at each other, and god this was such a mess, but if this was a mess than Gee reckoned she didn't want things to ever be clean again. "I'm pansexual, what about you?"
"I'd say I'm heterosexual, but I don't like the whole idea of sexuality relating to your own gender, so I like girls, I feel like there's a name for that, but-"
"So is that vaginas or femininity or... girls... or? Because you're being vague here? And sorry, I'm curious, especially if you're going to be so pretentious about it?" And Gee totally wasn't asking for personal reasons here.
"Girls. Gender expression and sexual organs have nothing to do with gender, do they? If you call yourself a girl then you're a girl. I like girls. Of course, I have types, and perhaps I prefer slightly more feminine girls, but that doesn't relate to anything other than personal preference." Frank paused, shaking his head, "sorry, sexuality... I know a lot about sexuality... I get defensive, and you didn't mean anything, I'm sure, but, you know... so what about you? What's it like with you and pansexuality?"
"Well... it's just that gender is as irrelevant regarding whether I'm attracted to someone as what their favourite flavour of ice cream is. I just don't give a fuck, like I have types, of course, we all have a type, but that applies across all genders, and it's more so about personality for me, I reckon... I like people I can relate to, and like trust, and understand me, I don't know... I sound really fucking sappy now, but-"
"No, that's fucking, that's really amazing actually, that's interesting as hell, like different sexualities and gender expressions as so goddamn interesting and I just wish I knew more LGBT people in real life, because you're like a needle in a haystack: a really pretty, amazing, fucking perfect needle in a haystack of assholes and people I wish would go jump off a cliff."
"I don't think anyone has ever complimented me by comparing me to a needle before: you're definitely the first, Frank." Gee let out some stupid breathy giggle that had Frank ready to stab himself through the gut, because fuck, she was too fucking beautiful to be real at this point.
"Whatever, don't laugh at me, Gee." Frank blushed, avoiding her gaze in what was totally the most discreet gesture known to mankind.
"I'm laughing because you're funny, you're sweet, I don't even know what to say, but you're very special, Frank, not like special needs, but-" Gee was fucking tripping over her own words here, and fuck, she was so fucking fucked and it wasn't like Frank was helping at all.
"Alright, no need to patronise me; I'm just terrible at flirting, that's all."
-
hey pals i love this fic so much im gonna stab myself i love these characters this is like totally my favourite shush dont tell my other fics, i feel like i treat my fanfictions like my children more than is healthy lmao. vote and comment on my favourite child pls i love you all more than i love this fic <3