+ Joe's P.O.V
True to Will's point, life did go on, even if I did still feel like shit.
The next day I had to go to school since I already wrecked my perfect attendance record, but since I only had one outfit, I had to wear one of Zoe's outfits. She gave me a pair of her skinny jeans and a regular Blink 182 band tee (which she originally stole from me). They were surprisingly a little loose, but I guess that was because she had a different build than I did.
Louise drove us to school, and Zoe allowed me to walked to the library and spend time in there just to think. I barely spoke to her, but I'm pretty sure she understood that Will made me feel a little better than I was. I was just glad Caspar was out for 3 days so I didn't have to see his stupid face of hear his stupid South African accent.
Stupid Caspar.
Ugh.
When I entered the Library I went straight to my normal section, and for once, was glad neither Dan nor Phil were there.
I took out my History book I had to read for History, thought for a moment, and then decided to pull my Science folder out. I flipped through it for a while until one piece of paper caught my eye.
J + C's Science Project; people.
I rolled my eyes and grabbed it, folding it hamburger style before ripping it and getting up to throw it in the trashcan nearby. I stomped back to my spot and started up on my Science Project. I'll just do all of Caspar's work. It'll be just like the good ol' Sophomore and Freshman years when I did everyone else's work, anyways.
I didn't have time to deal with Caspar's bull crap. He may have played me, and hurt me, but I was going to be the one to just ignore it. I had to finish this Science Project and get my History homework done and then catch up on everything I lost before. I'll go back to being the giant nerd I was and be happy, just like I was before.
I ended up getting a lot of my Science work done, since I decided not to use actual people to test The experiment on. I decided to just randomly mark off who they found attractive, and who they did not, and now all I had to do was type up my (and Caspar's) hypothesis, materials, results, and buy a board to paste all of it on. The bell rang, saying that it was time for first period, and I put it all away in my folder before putting it in my bag.
Dan and Phil didn't show up today. I wondered why as I made my way into first period.
Marcus was sitting in the seat next to my normal one so I sucked in a breath and sat down next to Finn, one of the twins. He didn't say much, and I was grateful for it.
Class went by as it used to before I met Caspar. We were learning about something I already knew so I raised my hands and answered all the correct answers, finishing the worksheet Mr. Gordon gave us before the end of the class like I normally did.
The class was over pretty quick and I walked out with my folder curled up in my right arm and my bag hanging from one shoulder because I knew for a fact Marcus was going to try to talk to me. Caspar probably told him all about how he won the dare and thanks for the help and - wow. Not thinking about Caspar at all is not helping. No matter how much I try to distract myself, everything I look at in this stupid school reminds me of stupid Caspar and I just wanted to sit down and cry because I missed him, even if I did get really hurt by what he did to me.
How was I supposed to ignore it, though?
He was my first kiss, the first person I held hands with, the first person I almost let fuck me, I mean - that was really important to me and I feel like it has all been robbed. How am I supposed to just go on with life when I know Caspar did this to me? I wanted to ask him why he did this - why he accepted the dare, I wanted to know if he ever actually cared about me. I wanted to know if he ever cared that my dad hurt me, and if he ever actually cared that my sister completely ignore me and -
I took a deep breath once I got into the hall-way.
Since everything with Caspar, I did change just a little bit. I wasn't over thinking as much as I used to, but now since he's not here with me, walking me to class, or talking to me, I'm slowly letting my brain turn to mush all over again. And I fucking hate it.
I hate how much I like Caspar because I know I was just some silly little dare to him. Why would he do this to me?
I felt like bashing my head into the lockers on the wall as Marcus caught up to me, putting a hand on my shoulder and stopping me.
"What do you want?" I asked angrily, stopping in my tracks. I probably was acting like some little brat, but he was the reason all of this was caused. Marcus gave Caspar the dare, Caspar said yes, and now I felt like killing myself and all these thoughts tangling together in my head was all their fault.
As much as I wished I could say I hated Caspar, I couldn't because I was just too stupid to realize what a giant dickhead he was.
Marcus, on the other hand...
"Look, okay, Caspar told me you know all about the dare-"
I scoffed, crossing my arms. "So he told you, didn't he?" I asked, looking up at him. He looked nervous. He should be, I'm about to cut his ball-sack off. "Wanted you to know that he completed the dare, huh? What's next? You beat me up in the parking lot for liking boys? What the hell is your problem, Marcus? Don't you know that I am a human being with feelings?"
Marcus gulped, and I felt like crying with every word I said.
"I know I'm not the coolest kid in school. I know I'm just Zoe's tiny brother who isn't good at anything but being a nerd, but you know what? At least I don't go around giving dares to toy around with someone's emotions!"
I was breathing hard and Marcus looked sad, putting a hand on my shoulder and turning me around and pushing me forward since people were staring. I smacked his hand off my shoulder and glared, hugging my folder I was still holding to my chest.
"Listen, Joe. I am so fucking sorry I did that, okay? I did it as a joke but Caspar took it serious. And then Emma came to school and he was saying how he could date you both and how he'll just go on one date with you and it'll be done but then I guess you ended up being some perfect little elf and he fell for you and all this stuff happened and then Alfie found out and told Zoe and then all this happened and I'm just so sorry, okay? I thought he would take it as a joke."
I felt like crying even more then and just looked at the ground as we walked to class.
"He ended up having indoor suspension, so he's at school today. He though it was outdoor I guess, but...he has the same lunch as normal and he's going to be waiting in the hall-way during lunch and told me if you wanted to speak to him, to go because he actually really likes you Joe."
I nodded stiffly, turning the corner that we separated at for second period. "Bye, Marcus."
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By the time third period rolled around, I was a fucking wreck. All of my thoughts were tangled in this big gigantic mess and all I wanted to do was sleep until everything went away.
Why did my life have to suddenly be some fucked up teen romance comedy movie? Last time I checked, I was this nerd who nobody liked, and now I'm worried sick over meeting some guy in lunch. I should just not go. That would be the smart move to do. But I am going, because you know what, I'm so angry and done at life that I'm pulling a swagtastic yolo or whatever those boys say.
What did Dan call them? Fuckboys, I think. He never explained to me who was who in his little society group chat.
I spent all of third period having a war in my head until the teacher actually dismissed us for Lunch and I practically had a breakdown just standing in the doorway. Eventually some ass pushed me out so I guess I had to walk to lunch.
I mean; it was my choice. I didn't have to go and see Caspar.
But I wanted to, I needed answers.
I groaned as I walked the way to lunch, the hallways clearing fast. How am I going through this much emotion and change in one friggin' day? Yesterday I was screaming at him and now that I see him and I'm calm (well, calmer than yesterday) all I wanted to do was cry and hug him and make sweet passionate love under the stars on the grass and scar some poor kid walking by.
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?
He looked like he was about to give up looking for me until he saw me walking his way, his eyes seeming to light up like a kid in a candy shop. Once I came to a stop in front of him, he gave me a sad smile.
"I can't believe I'm doing this," I said with a monotone voice. He probably thought I looked emotionless and didn't want to be here, but in reality, my heart was beating a 100 miles per hour and I was using all my restrain to not take him by his face and kiss it off.
I just still couldn't believe all of these things were happening so fast. When Will said life went on, I didn't think he meant this fast.
"Listen, Joe, I know you probably hate me or something, and I'm like really bad at wording things but I just can't let you go with you thinking I don't actually like you, because I do," He tried to take my hands in his but I didn't let him, crossing my arms across my chest. Literally I just found out I was just a dare to him a day ago and he's trying to hold my hands? Please. "Okay, um. I was really stupid. And I really regret it, because I actually fell for you. I wanted to say no when Emma asked me on a date, I really did, but I said yes because...I don't know. All I know is that she was more of a lust attraction to me and you, you're a personality attraction. You tiny, and adorable, and I really like you but like I said before, I did something and now I deeply regret it."
I took in a deep breath. "Caspar, I get that you regret it, but you still did it. And that hurts me a lot, and it hurts me even more because I feel like no one will ever love me, that I'll just be some joke to the other person. Do you get how that feels? I confided in you, I told you about my dad and my mom, you held me as I cried, I passed out from an anxiety attack because I was over-thinking everything about us. And then something in me changed because of you and all my anxiety and worries went away and all I want to do is hug and kiss you, but I can't because I can't trust you now."
Caspar went to say something but I held a hand up in his face.
"Caspar, everything is moving so fast for me. I'll talk to you when I get my mind straight and I don't want to have sex with you one minute and then decapitate you the next."
He gave a small laugh but I just stared at him, dead serious.
"Caspar, I may sound like this is a joke, but I'm serious. I need to think about everything that you did, and maybe talk to you about it then because I get that you regret it and feel terrible, but I'll approach you when I'm ready, okay? Also, don't worry about the Science project. I'm doing it myself."
"Joe-"
"Hey," I said, giving him a sad smile. "do you know that song by Fall Out Boy called 'What a Catch, Donnie'?"
He shook his head.
"Well, there's a lyric in it that goes; "I got troubled thoughts, and a self-esteem to match'', and whenever I listen to it, it reminds me of me. Caspar, I'm used to this stuff, okay? This sounds really fucked up, but I'd rather get walked on by you than to be helped by you because I don't know what to do with myself right now."
"I really like you, Joe."
"I know."
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A/N: I AM A WRITING MACHINE FUCK YEAH LOVE ME
ANYWAYS I'M ALMOST FINISHED WITH THIS BOOK BOOO YEAAAHHH!! PROBABLY LIKE 3 - 5 CHAPPYS TO GO AND THEN THE SEQUEL IF ANY OF YOU WANT IT SO YEAH!!!
JOE NEEDS TO THINK AND UNCLOUD HIS MIND.
GUYS ALSO I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE THIS FUNNY THIS IS LEGIT HOW JOE'S MIND WORKS ITS A COMPLETE TRAINWRECK
ANYWAYS I LOVE WHEN YOU ALL LIKE COMMENT AS YOU READ ITS SO FUNNY
VOTE/COMMENT/FOLLOW
BYE!