Artemisia
I looked over at Anton as he spoke to the waiter in greek, both of them laughing, and I could catch onto a little bit of what they were saying but not all of it. The older waiter pointed to me and made some sort of praising gesture, causing Anton to laugh and shake his head, whilst I just sat there confused.
The waiter, after a couple more moments of interaction, departed, "Why do you speak fucking Greek?" I said, bewildered
"Why do you not speak Greek?" Anton mused
"I haven't gotten round to it, you know, the single-mother and owning a business thing kind of gets in the way sometimes." I rolled my eyes and Anton chuckled, having achieved one of his favourite things in life, pissing me off.
"I'm proud of you," he said suddenly, and I looked up at him watching as he nodded, "I am Arté, the way you've just switched everything around, but you're still you, or at least the you I knew behind closed doors."
I shook my head with a small smile, "do you know what I do for a living now?"
"Of course I do," Anton nodded, leaning forward a little.
"How?" I asked, giving him a playfully suspicious look
"Can't possibly think that I haven't done my research Artemisia." He mused and I smiled and shook my head, "But seriously, I think the school is an amazing thing, and I know how close the cause is to your heart, I am really proud of you Arté."
I felt my smile grow wide, unwillingly albeit, and dropped my head as I felt embarrassed. Complimenting me on my looks was one thing, but to actually talk about my personality or achievements was a completely different thing, and having Anton do it was special.
Yes, it was special, because here was the man that I had gone through everything with, not pushing anger my way but kindness and genuine pride.
However it was fucking difficult, and the feelings that it brought out in me should have set alarm bells off in my head, bells that would tell me I was close to being sucked back in; but I didn't care, not in the moment.
Anton and I were doing something normal, but we weren't a couple. It was strange, I wanted to say something about how it felt like times in Madrid or those occasional times not driven by anger in New York behind closed doors, but then I remembered that if he wasn't going to be the responsible one then I had to be.
Yes, he told me he loved me, that was true, and maybe I felt the same way, it was something I was in denial about, but at the end of the day he was married with children and he had to do the right thing. If he wasn't going to do the right thing, I would and put a stop to whatever may have possibly evolved.
"You're deep in thought," he murmured, and I looked up at him, another embarrassed smile coming to my lips at being caught. "Talk to me,"
"It's just been a whirlwind month, that's all." I sighed before sipping the white wine
"I can only imagine," he murmured, looking over at the restaurant. We were in a court yard, filled with tables, with walls covered in flowers and ivy, "how are you feeling about it all?"
"Scared," I breathed, as if the confession was something I didn't want anyone else to hear, "maybe that's not the right word, I..."
"I think scared is the right word," Anton said, still looking out at the courtyard, and he slowly brought his gaze back to mine. "You have two people back in your life who you've spent avoiding for the past five years,"
I held his gaze, and suddenly all I could see was discontent in his eyes, as if he had so much to say but he just couldn't bring himself to say it. I felt my heart ache, I wanted things to be okay between us, I wanted everything to be fine and for the pain to go away. I could deal with hurting him before, but now that he was here in front of me, I couldn't deal with the tension.
"Say it, whatever it is that you have to say, just say it Anton." I sighed
"It fucking hurts that you have a son with him." Anton said immediately, his expression remaining indifferent but his eyes exposing all the pain he was in. "After everything that happened, and he's still the one that you'll be loyal to,"
I stayed silent for a moment but lacking a better response I said, "not if you don't cause something where I have to pick a side."
"If that happens it won't be because of me, I would never make you choose, we both know that." Anton replied and I watched as the cold look in his eyes resurfaced.
It was a look I knew all too well, one that he gave me when he took me to put the last bullet in Raul before he removed the idea of Leo and I in his head, one I received when I woke up in Madrid to find him waiting for me, also when I would ignore him for days on end in the palatial prison after he made those comments designed to rile me up.
"I don't know what you want me to say." I sighed, shaking my head.
"I don't want you to say anything, what would the point be? It's not like you can erase the fact that you have a son." He said lazily and I narrowed my eyes at him, and he simply shrugged, he was shutting down on me. "What? It's true. I'll live."
"Don't be like this Anton," I said, feeling myself being plunged back into his resentment of six years prior.
"Be like what Artemisia?" He shrugged, slowly tapping his finger on the table.
"Unaccessible, closed off, emotionless." I replied, and Anton laughed and shook his head. I felt a surge of irritation run through me and I narrowed my eyes at him and folded my arms over my chest. "I don't understand what's so amusing about that."
"Now you see what I had to deal with for two years," Anton sighed, "and it only got worse when Leandro came into the picture, so you can imagine that I ended up having 13 months of hell trying to get you to stop being unaccessible, closed off and emotionless."
I narrowed my eyes and was about to speak but the waiter came over once more and placed our food down.
"Come mai non abbiamo mai visto questa donna prima d'ora? È ancora più bella anche quando è arrabbiata." He asked as he began to debone the fish on the table.
(Italian: How come we have never seen this woman before? She's even more beautiful when she's angry)
I raised an eyebrow, slightly taken back by the fact that the waiter was speaking Italian, but more taken back by the fact that it seemed Anton was a frequenter of this place.
"Non sapevo che fosse qui, ma ora che l'ho trovata sono sicuro che torneremo di nuovo." Anton said, his gaze along with the waiter fixed on me, I gave the waiter a smile before flickering my eyes back to Anton.
(Italian: I didn't know she was here, but now that I've found her I'm sure you'll see her again)
"È il tipo da sposare, Signor Zhelkin." The waiter laughed, "Buon appetito," and with that he walked off.
(Italian: She is the type to marry, Mr Zhelkin | Have a good meal)
I stared at Anton, and a small smile came to his lips as he served me some of the fish, refusing to meet my gaze.
"You've been here before?" I asked
"Of course," he nodded
"You've been in Athens over the last five years?" I returned, and he looked up at me
"Of course," he shrugged
I didn't know why I cared so much, maybe because I thought I had been totally isolated from both Anton and Leo, and now it had come to light that Anton had been in the city.
In a way it made me feel unsafe, in another way it made me sad, or sadder compared to before.
"Is that a problem Angel?" he said suddenly,
So we were back to this.
"This is nostalgic," I said dryly, picking up my cutlery, "are you sure a waiter won't run over at any given minute and remove anything that could be used as a weapon?"
I heard a laugh emerge from the Russian as I took a bite of the fish, "Fortunately I don't think we will ever be in that position again, but..." I looked up at him, giving him a challenging look as he completed his sentence, "well, we never know, do we?"
"You're such an asshole sometimes," I muttered, reaching for my wine
"You love it," he mused and I rolled my eyes
"I left it behind for a reason," I shot back, and he hummed in agreement. I internally cringed at the venom of my words and my tone, but it was true, yes maybe in the moment the cat and mouse game was thrilling but I couldn't bring myself to be that person anymore.
That person was always overthinking, overcompensating and hurting, and she always ended up running.
But then again, Anton had been the one to pick up the pieces before I took him out of the picture altogether.
"You did, and that's fair enough, but don't forget what you said in that letter Arté, because I definitely haven't." He sighed and I shut my eyes.
That letter was all true, the feelings had only gotten stronger, and if I had written it last year my feelings to him would have been put in a much clearer way, but I couldn't keep on falling into the spiral that Anton and Leandro caused, individually or together.
"Can we talk about something else? Please? I haven't spent any time with you in literal years and we're already going back down this road." I sighed, tilting my head to the side and meeting his gaze.
Anton nodded, "I've waited this long, what difference will a couple of hours make?" he sighed with a smirk and I scoffed in annoyance at him, "I'm kidding, I'm kidding." He laughed, and I shook my head as a smile came to my lips, purely being brought there by the sound of his laughter.
"Good," I mumbled
"I'm waving the white flag until dinner is over, and then we can talk." Anton said, but I looked at him to see kind eyes, not ones filled with urgency or determination.
I knew we had to properly speak, I knew I had to properly face things, but I knew that he wouldn't just want to talk about the past, he would want to talk about the future as well.
-
"La bellezza se ne va con te stasera?" The waiter asked Anton, and to spare myself the will to live I kept on walking, but not before I heard Anton speak next.
(Italian: The beauty is leaving with you tonight?)
"Ci lavorerò per un paio di settimane prima che lei lo prenda in considerazione."
(Italian: I'll be working on it for a couple of weeks before she even considers that)
I rolled my eyes, frustrated with his lack of discretion and subtlety to even hide his feelings from me, and frustrated with how nervous I felt. I knew he was going to want an answer about everything and anything, but what could I say? I would sound like a broken record and he would leave unfulfilled and I would leave unhappy for putting him through more pain.
I walked through the narrow street that led us out into the populated square, but stiffened when I felt an arm wrap around me and pull me into a side-hug as we walked and he kissed the side of my head.
I let out a disconcerted grunt, not having the will to pull away from him and I listened as Anton chuckled to himself.
"Do you want to have a drink at your hotel and talk there?" I asked and he agreed, so we walked back to the car.
The car ride started off with both of us working and Anton filling me in on the recent business ventures he had picked up, mainly being an increase in dealings with the Colombians.
"They're pissing Leandro off though," Anton muttered as he began to rapidly type an email, "not sticking to the plan, actually producing too much and we can't get it all in safely if they keep going at the rate they are," Anton informed and I gave a hum of acknowledgement, beginning to feel how strange this all was.
Here was the man that I used to be with, who was apart of my old life, talking about the rapid speed of cocaine imports, and here I was writing an email about funding for a new school site.
It was strange and it gave me a small feeling of desolation, as if I had abandoned who I once was entirely, I didn't know her anymore, only who she knew. I couldn't recognise the behaviours, the drinking, the emotional shutdown, the pessimism, the disdain and hatred she held.
I had let go of so much pain, but it also meant I had to say goodbye to her as well.
I was torn out of my thoughts by the sound of Anton's phone ringing, and with a disconcerted breath he picked up.
"Hey baby," he said, looking out the window.
Of course, he could face me when he called me pet names and dragged us back to what we shared, but when shit got real and he had to talk to his wife he didn't dare to.
It reminded me that I had to be the bigger person, I had to be the one who remained level headed, and it was easier said than done but I would. The fallout of anything happening was guaranteed to be catastrophic if it left the knowledge of Anton and I, and more than anything I needed to protect Rico from it all.
I needed to protect Rico from the person I became when I was so torn to pieces by both of them.
Anton remained on the phone and I turned my own head to look at the neighbourhood we began to dive through, one not far from my own home on the coast.
"What are your plans this week?" Anton asked, sounding genuinely interested which instilled that old feeling of irritation in me. It was a feeling that was totally unacceptable, and as I applied pressure into the back of my neck using my nails, I berated myself for suddenly being so entitled.
I shut my eyes as I did my best to tune out Anton's seemingly-loving conversation with his wife.
It was his fucking wife at the end of the day.
Suddenly my hand was being pulled from my neck and interlocked with his and he kept his eyes ahead of us as he squeezed my hand. I tried to pull away, but instead I found myself pressed against his side after Anton pulled me across the seat and into him.
I looked over at him but he remained on the phone, unfazed. It was painful and I couldn't understand how he could causally act like we were normal, as if we were in the same place as five years ago, but he could do it because he knew that I felt the same.
He knew before I even did, and it was horrible. I said it at the beginning of this story, but Anton was one of the very few people in my life who could read me before I could read them, but an added bonus for him was that he knew me better than I knew myself a lot of the time, and it was a constant power he had over me.
"And Maxim?" Anton asked, and my body stiffened. I kept on forgetting that there were children involved in all of this, it couldn't be the same as our care free, toxic and individualistic antics.
I shut my eyes and took a steady breath in as Anton began to slowly circle the side of my neck, something he did to comfort me before. Without even noticing I leant my head on his shoulder and shut my eyes as he traced the tips of his fingers around my neck.
"I love you," he said to Kira, and it was like someone had carved down my entire torso in one quick succession, and I instantly made a move to get out of his hold, but I was kept against his side with a strong arm.
My heart was hurting, desperate to do something with the manic energy and aching that my body was being filled with, anything would've sufficed. Punching Anton, shouting at him, or even kissing him would've helped me get rid of the pain inside of me.
But no, now to deal with these moments of feeling the need to get rid of significant adrenaline I steadied my breathing with the technique Jacob had always made me use: in for four hold for five and out for four.
Anton ran his hand up and down my arm and I shut my eyes once more as I drowned out the sound of Kira still talking; obviously he could sense my torrid emotions and he pressed his lips against the side of my head before he continued talking.
I felt the car coming to a halt and opened my eyes to see us pulling up to his hotel, and I bolted out of the car before he hung up on the phone, thanking the driver and walking up the steps of the quiet boutique hotel.
I stood there, looking at Anton as he emerged from the blacked-out vehicle having pushed up his sleeves further, his gold Patek Phillipe contrasting beautifully with the tanned and tattooed skin.
He stood at the bottom of the steps, looking up at me, daring me with his eyes, wanting me to feed into the unspoken challenge he was giving me.
Anton and I were back to our old toxic ways, except he was acting out and I was letting him. In my head I was justifying it, saying that nothing was going to happen, but every second I entertained our old games it was making it twice as hard to not give in.
"Are we going to talk or are you just going to stare?" I asked and he smirked, shaking his head before he walked up the stairs.
"You look beautiful by the way," he said, not for the first time, as he approached me and I hummed in acknowledgement as I turned around and began to walk into the hotel.
As expected though, that same arm pulled me into their side and walked through the hotel with me, guiding me past staring guests towards a courtyard with a pool and a bar.
"We're not a couple," I murmured as we walked past hotel guests that were making no attempt to turn their heads.
"Don't I know it Artemisia," Anton mused
"I don't know why you're so comfortable with this," I replied
"I don't know why you haven't told me to stop yet," he returned gently and I took a shaky breath in
"I don't know either."