Run, and don't look back
Is what i've always taught myself to do
And it's what I've always done when faced with something I can't bring myself to confront in my life, running like a coward. Thinking it could be my solution from escaping everything. Thinking that maybe if I ran with the intention of never looking back I could still run enough till the brink of dawn and reach out for the end of the world, catching my breath for every step and thinking it could be the reason I wake up to a better false reality of something I can't be guaranteed to in life.
I'm greedy and I'm running with the adrenaline in my veins and roving through my heart. I'm scared, lost and confused. My whole body is consumed with the fear of the familiar, a mask with no face and no story. And I know I shouldn't be running, because he's with me.
Tweeks with me, and I hate the idea of me cowardly getting Tweek involved with my own hasty troubles.
I'm so sorry Tweek, I'm sorry I...
"Craig?" he frowns, but I'm so strayed in my mind that I'm losing my very own thoughts one by one and my hearts pulsating for every breath I take into my strained lungs. As if I've got nothing to lose. As if I was breezing through the wind because I have the goal in mind of never stopping until I see the sun set and meet the horizon, until the wind stops blowing.
And until his words get out of my mind.
"UGH Craig for god sake!" He cries out and yanks my hand back, fetching a fistfull of my shirt and bringing back my attention back over to him. Our breaths inches away and our hearts from the verge of sticking out of our chests...And its like hes snapped me out of my bubble, my selfishness to want to keep going alone...
...what am I doing...
For the whole time I was running because of me, I was relentlessly stepping forward because I wanted to escape something I couldn't get out of my mind, instead of bringing myself to think about what Tweek might have been thinking.
"Listen, we got out so just" Tweek sighs, his breath tremorous and lowly from the run "Calm down for me, okay?" he darts his eyes over to mine, a sincere concern painted all over his eyes, something dull yet so full of life. So red it makes me wonder if they've ever told stories he can't recall of yet. And maybe I haven't noticed it before, but this is the first time he's returned the act. looking at me the same way I looked at him when he first panicked.
The same way I held his cheek and looked at his eyes, steadying his breath and waiting for him to give me cue that he's calmed down. The second time anyone has ever shown me this same kind of brief love...you're right Tweek...Maybe I do need to calm down...
And is it too late to admit, I kinda like this? This idea of him straying my mind away and engulfing me in his eyes and gentle words, forcing a smile to tug at the ends of my lips and relieve me from the built up tension cuffed up on my arms and legs holding me back from becoming the best version of myself.
Softly I chuckle and close my eyes, taking in the deep breath I needed to remind myself to take before looking down at his roughed up act of kindness. A fistful of my shirt in his hand and a face that tells me he's worried about me.
God you dork
You know your actions don't really match with your words
"Mm" I hum, bringing my hands up to his wrist and softly tracing my fingers through his palm, making him let go of my shirt. "I'm sorry Tweek" I delicately brush off a smile and enjoy the moment of calm that bails out into my body. I finally feel composed and it's all because of you...
"Were you worried about me?" I teasingly lift up the back of his hand and brush it over my lips, tilting my head a little and keeping my narrowed gaze over to his.
"Were you?"
...
"...ah.." He muffled, looking surprised from my sudden act and batting his eyes away. "and...what if I told you I was." I let Tweek pull back his hand and I let go of his wrist, "maybe I was worried" he sighs.
"...Maybe I was worried about you."
...Well I, if you word it like that then...
God I dont think ill know how to act.
"I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention" I softly sighed, tracing my hand over to his and locking my fingers in between his cold embrace...Every touch
in-between his hands feels nice and calming...and...maybe I do like his cold hands.
"Do you...forgive me?"
"Yeah I forgive you." He smiles looking down at his hands intertwined with mine. And at this dying moment I wish I could read his thoughts, because when he doesn't quickly look back at me, it pinches my heart down in so many ways and strangles me alive with the dying curiosity of wanting to know what he's feeling.
What he's feeling about me.
"Just don't, freak out like that, I can't keep up." He finishes off with a sincere smile, looking up at me. "okay?"
Promise.
"You're a demon, but you can't keep up? I snicker looking up at the plastered frown painted all over his face...something so simple yet so hypnotizing that it lights a soft light inside my cold chest.
"Fine I-" I tug at his hand and we start walking...Something that after everything tempers my mind with the thought of why he still brings himself to hold my hand.
Because why after everything...do you still hold my hands with yours...
"Promise?" he tilts his head and starts walking off with me, catching pace with my steps.
Well now that I think about it... "I think i'll have to think about it" I grin, starting at a slow pace and then running off with him still beside me. This time I'm the one looking away because I know that nothings enough to save me from Tweeks cold burning gaze.
Well maybe I like being a liar.
"UGHH-CRAIG!!!" he exclaims, still holding down onto my hand as we run with the same breeze in between our faces from earlier and with the same pavement of the ground locked down on our feet.
But this time it feels different because I don't feel like I'm running alone anymore.
I finally feel like i'm running with someone else in my life,
instead of just by myself.
...
"YOU ARE ONE UGLY LIAR!" he yells and I burst out into laughter from his lousy out of breath words as I watch him desperately try to keep up with me. The wind causes his hood to fly back and reveal his horns from underneath and wild hair that flows with the wind. Everything about this makes me feel young again, and we feel like kids again. That sense as if life was behind your feet, as if the whole world was yours to venture...
Ours to venture...
When I look down at him he's smiling again, with his dorky teeth and stupid smile. With his scarlet eyes that look like rubies under the sun only focused on the future in front of our feet. His cheeks lightly brushed in blush and a heart pounding so loud it makes my heart pound with the same adrenaline pumping in his. And then that's when my memory clicks and it appears to me that a new question has popped up in my mind...
...
And for once in my life, i'm scared to believe it might be true.
.
.
.
.
"Pfua" I cough, setting my hands on my knees and wiping the exhaustion from my lips before looking up ahead, over to a place I thought I'd never see again. In front of me Tweek stands by the edge of a pond, the fall wind stroking through his hair and the trees closing in on the pond and whistling with a familiar honeyed hum to my ears that sing me a sweet lullaby creased up deep inside my memories. Somewhere that no matter how far I reach I cant fish out.
But Tweek...he...just...
he just looks beautiful...
Surrounded by leaves of all colors and with the light of the sun still shining down on him. Lighting up his horns and prominent features on his face. Lighting up the flame in his eyes of a story that speaks millions.
Yet why do I feel so...so tense? Why do I have this aching stress holding down on my chest everytime I look up at him?
Whatever the reason may be, I brush off the thought from my mind and vow to not think of it until later. Because something in my heart tells me that it'll be promised to be answered later.
Walking up to him I stand by his side and look ahead, where dark shades of blue move along the bristling pond in a tuned rhythm.
you win dork.
"I admit defeat"
"I thought you were into the running?" Tweek muffled a laugh, eyeing the leaves lightly coat the surface of the pond. Something so beautiful that I've only seen with someone else in my life, and now I'm seeing it with him. A reminder of summer ready to leave and welcome fall to the land. Setting it with all kinds of colors rich of life.
"Oh how humorous." I gently nudge him on the shoulder and we sit down on the edge of the pond, the edges of our shoes faintly touching the rim of the water. Somewhere you'd only expect to find rocks of all shapes and sizes being lost at the bottom of the pond, filled with stories that recount the lives of everyone who's been here, cried here, laughed here and most importantly lived to their fullest here.
Tweek carefully grabs a rock and flicks it out of his hand, making it hop twice before it sinks with the rest of the other rocks.
And well, maybe I'd like to believe that every rock does have a story.
...
"I remember"
"You remember...?" I faintly say, curious for his next words and surprised by the sudden gain of memory. He remembers...what?
"What do you remember?" I say, sounding a little bit more desperate but I give him time to thoughtfully organize his thoughts before telling me. In the meanwhile I copy his actions and throw a story of my own into the pond alongside his and many others. Hoping that maybe someone could find mine and end my story with a new beginning...
"I came here, when I was a kid," he exhales, carefully leaning down beside me and putting his head over my shoulder. And his sudden actions cause my heart to jump in place...fuck pay attention Craig.
"Seriously?!-'' my voice crows and I cough, adjusting my posture. "sorry-I mean actually?"
"What, you don't believe me?" Tweek looks up at me with a pout from my shoulder. aH?? no no! Tweek I do believe you it's just...It's hard to concentrate when you're...leaning down against me...
And It feels like it getting hard to catch my breath...actually is it getting hot in here?!
"No! of course I do, Tweek I-"
"What a bad liar" He chuckles, "acting buddy? Seriously Craig?." his sudden genuine burst of laughter tugs at the ends of my lips and causes me to laugh...Cmon what was I supposed to do, Tweek?
"Mm okay, how about I pinky promise that I will believe you then?" God i'm a child, Tweek nods and laughs at my stupid request, locking his pinky with mine, "pinky promise then" he smiles.
...
"So what about the pond then?" I muster, gaining the oh so idiotic in love highschooler bravery to put my arm around his shoulder and pull his body closer to my side. Giving him all of my attention but my heart.
Because right now...my heart is going wild.
...
"I remember coming here once, with someone else."
What...?
Something eerie tugs at my heartstrings and the thought of him being with someone else feels a little bit bitter on the tip of my tongue. I shouldn't be feeling like this...but I am.
"Who...?" I question, a bit on edge. Because maybe I am being a little jealous. God, I'm too old to be feeling jealous over things like these but I can't help myself.
"I don't know" Tweek mumbles, shaking his head and pointing out at the pond ahead with his pointer finger, "but I liked him, he was...cool I guess"...
I wait for a second and stay quiet. I'm trying to think logically but now my whole body is just tense by the thought of it. How come he's cool, but I'm still the bastard in Tweeks eyes.
ugh...Tweek, how do you get me like this?
I let out a heavy breath and stand up, slowly letting Tweek retract his head from my shoulder. While I stand up I notice how he keeps his eyes on mine for the whole time, but the bitterness of Jealousy takes over my body and I take a step inside the pond, soaking my pants with water.
Let's get one thing straight.
If I want to get this bitterness out of my mind, I need to be sure of something else first.
Even if that something means that half of my heart inside wishes that it wasn't true.
While my other selfish half does.
And so maybe I do want to be a little selfish for once in my life.
...
"You had a childhood, didnt you?" I snicker and lean in closer to Tweeks sitting spot from inside the pond, tracing my hands over his waist and brushing my thumbs over the silhouette of his sides.
"..." Tweek puts his hands on my wrists and tightly grabs them, fearful for my next actions.
"I'm not getting in, Craig."
"Boohoo" I chuckled, lifting his body up in the air and pulling him into my arms, while his hands panically clasped my shoulders. "CRAIG!" he cries out, stumped by my actions and from the cold water soaking his body from the impact. Carefully I lower him down but keep my hands on his waist, watching as he frantically closes his eyes and places his stubborn face in between the cranny of my collarbone.
"See, not so bad" I smile, "yeah?"
"I hate you" he furiously muffled between breaths.
"No you dont" I lowered my face to keep it simple, making sure to whisper only by his ear. Where only he's able to get my message. And maybe it's our close proximity but I don't entirely despise the idea of him being so close to me right now. His hands on my shoulders, his face on my collarbone and my hands on his waist.
Is It weird if I say I love every second of this...? My eyes trace the ruby colored horns on his head and I brush a gentle hand over them. I wish I could understand how something so rough can look so...beautiful.
Tweek leans back and I let go of him, and maybe I'd hate to admit it but I kinda wished he would have stayed in between my arms for longer.
Because when he does, my heart craves for a familiar feeling that Tweek brings to me whenever I look down at him, when he hugs me and when he holds my hand.
It's comforting. And something I wish I could greedily hold forever.
Is this too childish for me to ask...?
.
.
.
"WAM" The sudden burst of water to the face causes me to take a step back and tumble down. Drenching my entire body head to toe with the coldest fall water. What the fuck, I laugh witnessing the culprit infront of me, with a devilish smug smirk that screams sweet revenge.
"Let me guess, did cool kid also do this?" I smile, wiping the water from my face with a free hand. Feeling my heart beat faster with the excitement of the thrill, the thrill of feeling young again, of feeling myself all over again.
Of feeling alive again.
...
"Yeah he did actually" Tweek laughs at my state and I feel a little bit challenged to do the same.
"reallyy? Then i'm pretty sure he always won"
Carefully I swoop his foot up with my leg and cause him to stumble back forward and fall down to his knees, getting him completely drenched in water, causing me to chuckle at his blond locks getting soaked with the same heavy water all over his body. With lousy out of breath exhales and dorky smiles crossed all over his lips.
"Don't you think?"
He laughs at my words and then that's when familiarity sparks my heart again and my eyes widen.
And I don't know if it was the suddenness of his actions, but the greedy thought returns to my mind once more.
And I finally start to connect the missing dots.
The strings I once had tied around my heart feel loose.
And my mind fills me up with the last missing piece of puzzle that I needed to complete the canvas.
Finally I paint the last portrait of,
him.
.
.
.
Tweek Tweak.
.
.
.
The first person that I had met that day, the first person I had brought here.
Someone I had held Hand in hand with as we ran as kids, running from our responsibilities.
Finally connecting the familiarities I felt when I first saw you.
That stupid feeling as if I had known you.
That feeling of feeling so fond of him, when I believed I barely even knew him.
Of seeing you again.
.
.
Fuck of course I remember you,
How could I have been so blind, so forgetful
To forget everything about you
to forget every memory I made with you that day.
You became a blank canvas for me and I blamed myself for your disappearance, as if you never existed in my mind.
I learnt to run away from my mind and to confine myself somewhere so deep that nobody could have ever been able to reach for me.
Forgetting the one person who made me feel like me again.
Forgetting you.
The first boy that made me feel
Happy
.
.
.
God fuck Tweek...
Just what in the world happened to you.
To make you the way you are now.