Note: My sleep deprived brain took a month to realized I fucked up uploading in the wrong story.
**Jumps off a cliff**
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I caused the deaths of some allies I've known, one of them being Alabama. My memory is a bit foggy that day, but I remember angry voices directed towards me. Some of them are pleading and calling out to me but to no avail.
"Tirpitz.....!"
Alabama calls out to me over and over again, but I couldn't see or even move. There's only darkness clouding my mind and everything else. No, I think it's the smoke obscuring my vision. I.....don't really know anymore......
There's only a voice.
[Destroy everything]
It's my own voice.....and somehow it sounds different. Is there another side of me I've been denying? I'm not the kind to think deeply about distractions. That's right.....I rarely question about my mind because this is the first time I'm overwhelmed by emotions.
[Entombed them in a glacial graveyard]
Again and again, it keeps whispering me all sorts of things but it always leads to directing my overwhelmed senses to Iron Blood. It's like I'm blindfolded and confused, but someone is grabbing and pulling me.
"Snap out of it, dumbass!"
Is it Alabama? She keeps yelling and shouting, but I can only make sense some of her words. Even as she keeps shouting at me, she also shoots at me nonstop. Extreme cold air around me serves as my primary protection against their fiery retaliation. Shells and bombs instantly freezes and shattered before even making contact. Though some of them don't break, the frozen gunpowder makes it impossible to create explosions.
"Don't.....make me.....sink......you....."
How long have I been fighting? Where am I? At first, I'm in Iron Blood tearing and shattering through people I used to call my comrades, but now Alabama's scythe barely pierces through my shoulder because ice formed on my skin, effectively stopping the tip from scratching me.
Just die already......
Everything is dark again. I couldn't hear and see anything. There are only moree explosions.
By the time the noise outside reaches me again, everything is silent.
Yes, it's silent......
....Silent because Alabama suffered a fatal by my hands. Her body on the brink of collapse stubbornly keeps herself standing. Even with jagged icy spears piercing her body, she remains standing.
"........"
Neither of us can say anything or want to say anything. In her case, she doesn't have the strength to even let out a single word.....just faint breaths. As for me, my mind is drifting and I cannot react.
My heart is freezing again......
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T
he open, let alone outside the room, is too dangerous to freely act and speak for Tirpitz. So when she's not on a mission or not summoned by someone, Tirpitz spends hours locked in her room. She doesn't find boredom because it's the only place with certain privacy and no risk of intruders.
"I feel annoyed having to hold back....." Tirpitz lazily sits by the desk
In her free time, Tirpitz keeps her hands a few inches close to each other. Cold air condenses in the middle, solidifying and taking the intricate shape of a snowflake.
"....Still, in the face of a formidable enemy, I would be forced to be myself......just to protect them and maybe myself"
In a short amount of time, Tirpitz unknowingly becomes concerned about the well-being of others for selfless reasons. Even if she comes to realize her changing heart, she would be quick to reject the very thought of it.
"Can I.....really protect anything this time? I'm not some hero to give it my all....."
The brief moment of doubt is enough for the snowflake construct between her hands to disintegrate.
"This isn't like me.....and I shouldn't think like this. It feels gross....."
Tirpitz shakes her head, somewhat concerned at herself for spacing out and her thoughts making her question both herself and her surroundings.
"What would you say....if you were here?"
There's no one there, but her eyes solemnly stare at the neatly folded letter placed on the upper left side of the desk. The very same letter from a certain someone entrusted to her after accepting their fate.
"I'm talking to myself again. Then again, I don't have anyone to talk to. Iron Blood doesn't have any therapists"
Tirpitz shakes her head knowing she's suddenly imagining ridiculous thoughts. It's no joke she wishes for someone she can speak about her secret.
Afternoon.....
Instead of usually remaining in her room for the whole day, Tirpitz ends up strolling around the base and observing the lives of other kansens. There's nothing remarkable catching her attention, but she's amused to a certain degree.
"It's rare to see you on a walk, Tirpitz"
Prinz Eugen, sitting nearby alongside Mainz, waves as soon as Tirpitz turns around at the sound of her voice.
"I'm just thinking a lot of things....." Tirpitz sighs
In her mind, she recalls her rampages when the incomplete metamorphosis overloaded her wisdom cube. She couldn't rid herself of the memories haunting her as it reminds her every day of her life. In Tirpitz's mind, she recalls being surrounded by a freezing hell of her own making.
"I now appreciated how warm the sun is....." Tirpitz gazes up at the sky
"......" Prinz Eugen and Mainz look at each other
"You really need a vacation......" Prinz Eugen comments first
"Tirpitz, you should spend more time outside" Mainz agrees as well
"How do you take vacations?"
"Ugh.....it's like I'm talking to white Bismark"" Prinz Eugen shakes her head
"I don't think we just have the luxury of vacations in the middle of war"
Tirpitz approaches them, somewhat curious to why would suggest it in the first place. Other than that, it's one of the chances she wants to use to learn about their perspective on how she acts.
"I just mean you need some time off from Iron Blood. Go play with that energetic carrier friend of yours"
"Sometimes, I just don't understand her behavior. She does things I don't expect and often gives me a heart attack"
"Really? You've known each other for a long time that you're not surprised at anything she does anymore. Not even when she headbutted you from behind and hurt her head instead" Prinz Eugen chuckles
"Speaking of Victorious, Bismarck once mentioned you've been uneasy recently and always on guard even when talking to us. I think she's worried about how you can't relax even for a second"
"......"
Tirpitz nearly takes a step back as she's being too cautious when someone either reminds or corrects about a trivial behavior. Neither of the two heavy cruisers are suspicious, just mildly curious and concerned for her recent change.
"Am I that tensed? Is that why I need a vacation?" Tirpitz remains calm
"I'm no psychic to tell you. Have you gotten into a fight with Bismarck again? I thought you two are being sisters now" Prinz Eugen smirks
"Do I really quarrel with Bismarck thst frequently here?" Tirpitz slightly tilts her head
"Not really a quarrel, just a typical disagreement between sisters. It's natural since you two don't share the same view" Mainz waives both hands
"Tirpitz, are you right in the head? It's like you're forgetting how to be.....you" Prinz Eugen looks at her straight in the eyes
Prinz Eugen focuses on Tirpitz's usual cold yet gentle eyes and her sharp instincts only ring a vague sense of wariness but no malice. It's the mystery that always draws Prinz Eugen to meddle and pry with others, but Tirpitz is aware how Prinz Eugen is studying her movements. It's a silent gesture she's well too aware of before she lost her way and lashed out on the world.
"I almost forgot, I heard Neumark is getting annoyed you're not going for your weekly check-ups. You're scared of getting a shot now?" Prinz Eugen teaser her again
"It's unnecessary for me. A month has passed and I remained stable" Tirpitz insists
"Even so, you shouldn't neglect your well-being" Mainz cuts in
"That's....."
"Well, if Bismarck doesn't want to force you, then we're not in the position to drag you to the doctor"
As usual, Prinz Eugen is uninterested since she doesn't want to spare unnecessary effort on a minor issue. That and the fact it's an unrewarding task and Tirpitz would strongly resist if someone forces her.
An hour later.....
Since Tirpitz has no missions for the day and Bismarck remains busy with her responsibility as a leader, she leaves her room to quietly ponder at a nearby beach.
"I did horrible things to people I barely know, yet it bothers me this much"
Tirpitz asks an hermit crab who lacks the comprehension of a human, so it only blankly stares at her.
"I don't want to be pestered by those memories. It's nothing but unpleasant reminders of what I used to be......"
Again, Tirpitz opens up her thoughts to a creature rather than a therapist. She's aware the hermit crab wouldn't respond, but she only wishes to let express her guilt and conflict with someone, even a clueless animal.
"How does it feel to live in a hollow shell?"
Rather than an actual person, Tirpitz asks a clueless hermit crab while she's lightly poking its shell. Of course, there's no response from a small crustacean that's only curious at the cold air escaping her fingertips.
"It must be nice to be ignorant because you don't have to worry about thinking anything"
A simple flick is enough to flip the hermit crab and leave it helplessly lying on its shell while it's several legs struggle for balance.
"I was wondering where you've been, my dear child"
Friedrich der Grosse's sudden voice doesn't faze Tirpitz, but she lightly frowns due to her cautiousness with certain people around her.
"You've been brooding.....more than usual. Is there something on your mind?" Friedrich der Grosse stands in front of Tirpitz
"Nothing important......" Tirpitz sighs
"Come on, you can tell me anything. I know you're just shy~"
"I find it weird I'm struggling to live normally again......"
Tirpitz squeezes her hands knowing she can't outright reveal her secret. Deep inside, she wishes to share her thoughts with someone else, but she's forced to suffocate herself to keep living normally.
"You gained unwanted power back. Does losing it make you wish to retake it?" Friedrich der Grosse wants to study her reaction
"Why would I want something when it made me freeze anything I touch?"
"That's true. Even though you lost that cursed power, why does it look like you still feel incomplete?"
Friedrich der Grosse bends forward to take a closer look at Tirpitz's expression. It's still her default calm and gentle expression, but Tirpitz could sense her own uneasiness. Unlike Prinz Eugen, she could sense a gaze far more sharper and sinister.
"......."
Whenever Tirpitz feels threatened, just like any living being, she would immediately react by attacking without hesitation, but she's in a life where kansens are no longer her enemies. She couldn't resort to her usual impulses now, so all she could do is remain quiet.
"Some parts of me are still missing. Even after I defeated my enemy, I haven't fully returned to who I used to be" Tirpitz clutches her chest
"Not everything you lost might return. Although you regained hope for your life and future, some parts of you remain empty"
Friedrich der Grosse straightens her back and relaxes her expression after seeing one of her "children" drowning in their worries from either the conflict or their personal issues.
"At least you can rebuild now, my dear child. Don't forget we're here to support you, especially your equally stubborn older sister-" Friedrich der Grosse pinches Tirpitz's left cheek
"What is it?" Tirpitz tilts her head
"I just noticed you have a different look now or at least reminds me of someone"
The motherly battleship pulls back her arm and bends her back forward again to study Tirpitz's expression closely. To most people, it's no different from the usual calm and stoic Tirpitz, but Friedrich der Grosse isn't most kansens in Iron Blood. She dearly pays attention to each of the kansens around her despite her doting and gentle demeanor not only as one of Bismarck's most trusted subordinates but out of her affection to everyone.
"Hmm......"
Upon closer inspection, Friedrich der Grosse notices an estranged yet sharp gaze engraved in Tirpitz's normal expression. To her, Tirpitz reflects on everyone in front of her with a certain distance and curiosity from a new experience.
"You changed ever since the incident, Tirpitz" Friedrich der Grosse straightens her back again
"Is that a bad thing?" Tirpitz frowns a bit
"I don't think it is, so don't worry about it" Friedich der Grosse playful waves her hand
(Dealing with this woman is suffocating!)
As much as Tirpitz wishes to flee from her current spot, the unusual behavior would raise suspicion and prompt Friedich der Grosse to investigate her. The goal is to prevent anyone's attention to her, so Tirpitz musters every ounce of patience she has to glue herself to her current spot.
"You went drastic change ever since the incident with Victorious META and your META. Even I would be scarred if I experienced myself. It's only fortunate everything resolved in our favor"
"......." Tirpitz solemnly stares at the ground
"Don't be so down. You're now free of that cursed power and the ghost is no longer haunting you" Friedich der Grosse taps her shoulder
"You're right. There's.....no ghost anymore....."
There's tightness in Tirpitz's chest when the memory of defeating Victorious META followed by the realization she's now all alone in the plain of snow and ice. The view of the cloudy sky transformed into the ceiling of the infirmary in the aftermath.
The next day......
Having been forced out of the base for relaxation and tricked into an "agreement" by a certain playful heavy cruiser, Tirpitz could only mutter under her breath when her poor choice in life ends up with her being on the training grounds with Alabama.
"I'm glad you accepted my invite, Tirpitz" Alabama puffs her chest in joy
".....I didn't" Tirpitz whispers
"You rarely accept my challenge. Well, half of the time I get shooed away ever since I tried to throw something at your window"
"I'm beginning to wonder why I am drawing loud and energetic people...."
It's one of those moments where Tirpitz would rather wish to be alone even if it's back on the freezing north rather than tolerate an extroverted person.
"Come on now. We don't get to spar like this since you're always with Victorious"
"She drags me all the time to her whims, but that doesn't mean I want to be here either"
Tirpitz complains yet it's by her own that allowed herself to be in the training area rather than turn away and leave the moment she steps in.
"Our battles always end up in draws. You should show me all you got so I can know which one of us gets stronger every time!" Alabama flails her scythe
"If I do it right now, you'd turn into a popsicle-"
Just as Tirpitz jokingly mumbles to herself, her inescapable"past" reminds her again of how she caused Alabama's death. That incident is more collateral damage as Alabama only died because she tried to stop a rampaging META even after seeing Tirpitz couldn't hear her.
"This time, I'm in control of my senses. It won't happen again" Tirpitz clenches her fists
"Tirpitz?"
"Fine, I'll take you on. I never go easy on my opponents" Tirpitz takes a deep breath and prepares her main armaments
"You must be in a good mood today"
Alabama knows it's not like Tirpitz to confidently smile and acts excited on a normal sparring session. It's a rare chance to see Tirpitz somewhat enthusiastic, so Alabama returns with a smile radiating with all her energy.
"Here I go!"
Alabama moves herself back and opens fire with the full might of her cannons first.
(As long as I don't use it offensively, it's fine. Alabama isn't the type to notice it)
Rather than return fire, Tirpitz moves a meter to the left. One of the shells would have landed a direct hit, but the cold and freezing air protecting her curves the shell to narrowly miss her.
"Hiyah!"
Tirpitz being distracted with following the direction of the flying shells and evading the continuous rain of them leaves her distracted. This opens vulnerability to Alabama charging in for a swing.
"Really now?" Tirpitz sighs
Just like earlier, Alabama remains unaware how Tirpitz is trying her best to match Alabama's strength to maintain her image as a normal kansen. She does spare a bit of power by freezing a small portion of Alabama's feet, throwing away her momentum and making her swing miss completely.
"Whoa! It's like I almost tripped.....on water!" Alabama immediately backs away
The two pause for a moment when Alabama is naturally surprised of it. Before she could even react, the ice vanishes as soon as her swing clearly misses Tirpitz by half a meter.
"Maybe you're just being a klutz like Victorious" Tirpitz shakes her head
"I could have sworn it felt like a rock popped out the moment I stepped near you" Alabama scratches her head
"Focus, Alabama. This is a sparring session, but this is practice too" Tirpitz sternly tells her
"I'll show you how strong I got!"
(Other than having to live with what I did to another version of her, I could use this as a practice in the battlefield)
Just like the other METAs, she's stronger than her regular counterpart. Due to her restricted situation, Tirpitz couldn't openly rely on her freezing ability to defeat Sirens.
"My turn" Tirpitz scoffs
"Whoa!"
Tirpitz isn't going to wait for Alabama to stop thinking about the oddity a while ago, so she immediately opens her first salvo. This nearly catches Alabama off guard as the latter reacts in the last second to hurriedly evade the rain of shells.
"Now you're taking this seriously!" Alabama smirks
(If I did, you wouldn't be able to move right now) Tirpitz thinks to herself
"I wish you're like this every time we spar. Usually, you just look annoyed"
"No.....I'm just trying to make up for the past.....or future....." Tirpitz softly speaks
"Huh?"
"Don't mind me. I'm just trying not to leave behind regrets. There might not be another chance if I fail this life again"
"I really don't know what you mean, but I'm glad we could spend time like this!"
Alabama ignores Tirpitz's ominous words as she's filled with excitement from the thought of thinking who has improved since their last friendly spar. Even if she likes challenging people she believes are strong, Alabama admits this is her way of enjoying her time with someone.
I want to atone to the people I've hurt and whose lives I've taken......
This time.....for sure......I won't hurt anyone again.....
I'll live my life free of regrets and ensure "our" mistake doesn't repeat here......
That's why....no one has to know.....and no one can know about me.....
Tirpitz faintly smiles while she effortlessly evades Alabama's countless shells that are always followed up by a charging and swinging attack from her. She knows not the guilt reminding her since she has regained a bit of her humanity. That's why as much as possible, she wishes to overcome those horrible memories by creating pleasant memories with the certain kansens who shouldn't have suffered by her hands.
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Chapter 03:
Bismarck META pays a visit to the reclusive group of Royal Navy METAs and reminisces about the incident regarding Tirpitz META. Meanwhile, Tirpitz finally agrees to a checkup and to scan her wisdom cube, much to Neumark's surprise.